I've been working 8am-5pm on campus all this week. Then had a shift at P.S. 5pm-10pm for two days, well one of those days is tomorrow. It's long and well, tiring I guess you can say. Monday when I first started the 8am shift I woke up at 5:30-6ish and I know this sounds strange but, I smelled the air and it had a familiar scent. I thought I was waking up to go to classes. Last year I woke up around that time everyday so it kinda felt nostalgic. But not in a good way.
I was fine afterwards after I was up for like an hour. I hate taking a shower as soon as I wake up because I feel sleepy while taking it and even when I'm done I'm still not awake. But if I sit around not taking one as soon as I wake up, I'll end up talking myself into sleeping for a few more minutes which then will accidentally turn into an hour or more. Then I get mad at myself. I don't know if I ever said something about myself like that. I get mad at myself easily. Like really easily if I don't do something I'm supposed to. -sigh- That unfortunately will probably never change.
Can you believe though classes are starting up again? Next week already. I bought myself a new agenda at Borders. I keep going there to buy things I don't need. Sales are really addicting to me. This is where my money has been going. Closing sales.
It's bigger though which I really needed. The small one I used for second semester was cute and easy to carry and all but then when it came to writing down homework and etc. the space was limited and I didn't enjoy that much of writing small when I needed to write it quick and leave the class. This one is pretty cute too actually and it's floral ♥. I lovee floral by the way haha.
I'm also reorganizing my music.
This is like... an actual job it feels like. I started today at work since I was there for 9 hours to do nothing. I must have like 3,000 songs on my external hard drive and every single song is not in a folder. It annoyed me for some time, especially when some of the songs don't even have the artist listed. So I started organizing them by language, then artist, then by album (the English songs have a genre section too though for my dubstep and techno). I went crazy. Too many songs, too much work for me. My eyes and brain couldn't do much more once it hit 2pm today. I'm not even halfway done yet. And at the same time I was downloading all these Cantonese albums from this site that has albums from quite a few artists from the past two years. I found so many good albums from artists like Jason Chan, Jonathan Wong, Sherman Chung, and Vincy Chan and now I just can't stop listening to Cantonese music. Right now it's become such an addiction. It sounds amazing, and sung so beautifully. Something happened since I found my first album, and now I'm just super excited about going to Hong Kong. What's more is that I'm more excited to be able to speak it, like I just want to meet someone really bad now and practice saying things all the time now. It's not a very good thing for certain reasons but, I just want to learn more and more and use it and just everything! I can't wait!
And then another bad thought, well, ugh.....
something so stupid. Something that won't even happen anyway. Why am I even bothering to say something? I sometimes wonder... why I do some of the things I do. Or what's worse, why I think of some of the things I think about. I read a quote today that probably everyone should really take into their own lives. But at the same time, that quote made me really upset. While it was supposed to be inspirational, I found it to be really.... depressing. People are choosing to be a way but at the same time they're not. Because no matter how hard they try, sometimes it's just impossible to be that way. The quote was "If you want to be happy, be" - Leo Tolstoy
I thought about that.
What he says is unbelievably true. But you know.... some times there's just so many things weighing a person down that.... forcing a smile or a laugh can be the most painful thing in the world to you. Someone close to me came in my mind when I thought about that quote. It made me sad because I couldn't blame him for making a poor decision. And I blamed myself for not trying to make him happier. Because even though I know I should be doing everything I can for him, the me I am now isn't complying with what is right in my mind. It's just such a sad feeling, something so hurtful.
Maybe I should sleep leaving it on that note.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
I'd cross out our eyes in sharpie, but the picture is too sweet to do so
I haven't posted in over a week now, I was just kinda busy. Working too much, and enjoying time with a visitor.
I kinda really want to talk about that. It's really important for me since I've constantly posted again and again about my love life. Just because I wanted anyone to listen and hear me without saying it in person. But after all my complaining, nothing changed in the end. I mean, we aren't dating. I've learned to accept that I think, but I still wish we could of had one more shot. At least try to start over, you know?
I was hurt but, I can't do much about it. You can't force someone. Things happen, and well, in the end he couldn't do it. He couldn't think of me the same way like he used to. It sucks, it really does. But, we're still good friends I hope. As long as I can keep that I'll be fine. I'm happy that I really was able to change for him though. I really did become a better person.
Besides spending time with him and spending wayyyy too much money and stuff, I've just been working once a week at Sushi Tei and just work really. But I'm done with Sushi Tei now so I'm glad. I don't know why I said I missed it anymore. It was just so inconvenient and too much unnecessary pressure and not to mention I got screwed on my tips or I was getting paid less. I mean honestly. It wasn't worth it. I'm looking for another job on campus though for work-study. My work-study job last year upgraded me to SA (student assistant) so now I can get another work-study job. I'm hoping the job I had freshman year will take me back because all I did was sit there for 3 hours and do nothing so I can use the time to study and such. And I can only do nights anyway so it works out for me. If I don't get an email before classes I'll just go to them and annoy the hell out of them until I'm accepted. I want the job. I can use extra free money.
There's just so much.
Classes start next Monday, and I want to say I'm very excited. I want to try really hard and especially want to do my best to pass the JLPT 2 this December. So I think I'm really excited to actually try to fix myself from last year. Freshman year I did so good in my grades and I really need to try hard all over again I really fucked up last year... I was just worrying about things that shouldn't have been more important to me. I know why I did so good freshman year.... but because I can't get the same results I have to put more pressure on myself to care more about my grades.
I feel like it will also help me start learning Cantonese on my own too. I really need to find someone though to help me, I would prefer an actual international student from Hong Kong so I could become like his/her really good American friend or something but I have no idea how to find someone. So... I don't know.
There's so much I need to improve on.
It's come to my attention too that my ass is really fat. -sigh-
I have been lazy on the DDR lately so yesterday I decided to play DDR no matter what for at least one hour each day before going to sleep. And then I'll do squats afterwards to try to do something about my ass.... And then thanks to the new year started I can really start following that diet thing I planned for the longest time. I'll be making myself lunch the night before to take to classes, like a salad or something small and lightweight and such. It's always good to have 3 full meals a day, but you just have to eat in small portions. And it'll keep up my metabolism and free from hunger moments. So I need to go to Walmart and buy small tupperware that I can bring to classes with me. I would reallyyyy like a cute bento box but there are none around here and certainly nothing cute. So, maybe I'll ask my friend to buy me something in Flushing and bring it down. I want to eat my daily meals out of something supper cute ♥ And another goal of mine is to make lots of different meals, specifically Asian and other small, easy American dishes. For both lunch and dinner. Cooking is seriously my new hobby and I love it so much :)
Another thing I'm going to do is buy a cover for my computer. I'm going to be using a backpack this year and I'm going to start carrying my computer around since it's now much lighter and smaller than my last one. It'll be able to help me keep studying here at work on campus when I can't get to a library computer and I mean, if you don't play something fun or doing something fun for a bit then your brain begins to hurt so... I'll use it to beat random FB people on Tetris haha. I'm slowly figuring out what exactly is right. Took me too long to see clearly though.
And well, because of this new semester, I've made another blog. Nothing is posted on it, I just spent my entire 7 hours here working on campus to design it haha. I'll start using that one once Monday starts and that's where I'll be posting. It's going to be my third blog haha.... that's kinda pathetic in a way. I mean, I do have to admit, writing your life for the world to read on a blog is pretty stupid and obviously signals that you have no life. But, I try to think of it more as just motivation to make me do things. So look forward to my new blog based on my new college life with just random thoughts, how my life is moving ahead, and anything else really. Maybe you'll find something motivational for yourself as well :)
I have one more year to go in this college. Then I'll be abroad once more.
Lets go and aim forward
I kinda really want to talk about that. It's really important for me since I've constantly posted again and again about my love life. Just because I wanted anyone to listen and hear me without saying it in person. But after all my complaining, nothing changed in the end. I mean, we aren't dating. I've learned to accept that I think, but I still wish we could of had one more shot. At least try to start over, you know?
I was hurt but, I can't do much about it. You can't force someone. Things happen, and well, in the end he couldn't do it. He couldn't think of me the same way like he used to. It sucks, it really does. But, we're still good friends I hope. As long as I can keep that I'll be fine. I'm happy that I really was able to change for him though. I really did become a better person.
Besides spending time with him and spending wayyyy too much money and stuff, I've just been working once a week at Sushi Tei and just work really. But I'm done with Sushi Tei now so I'm glad. I don't know why I said I missed it anymore. It was just so inconvenient and too much unnecessary pressure and not to mention I got screwed on my tips or I was getting paid less. I mean honestly. It wasn't worth it. I'm looking for another job on campus though for work-study. My work-study job last year upgraded me to SA (student assistant) so now I can get another work-study job. I'm hoping the job I had freshman year will take me back because all I did was sit there for 3 hours and do nothing so I can use the time to study and such. And I can only do nights anyway so it works out for me. If I don't get an email before classes I'll just go to them and annoy the hell out of them until I'm accepted. I want the job. I can use extra free money.
There's just so much.
Classes start next Monday, and I want to say I'm very excited. I want to try really hard and especially want to do my best to pass the JLPT 2 this December. So I think I'm really excited to actually try to fix myself from last year. Freshman year I did so good in my grades and I really need to try hard all over again I really fucked up last year... I was just worrying about things that shouldn't have been more important to me. I know why I did so good freshman year.... but because I can't get the same results I have to put more pressure on myself to care more about my grades.
I feel like it will also help me start learning Cantonese on my own too. I really need to find someone though to help me, I would prefer an actual international student from Hong Kong so I could become like his/her really good American friend or something but I have no idea how to find someone. So... I don't know.
There's so much I need to improve on.
It's come to my attention too that my ass is really fat. -sigh-
I have been lazy on the DDR lately so yesterday I decided to play DDR no matter what for at least one hour each day before going to sleep. And then I'll do squats afterwards to try to do something about my ass.... And then thanks to the new year started I can really start following that diet thing I planned for the longest time. I'll be making myself lunch the night before to take to classes, like a salad or something small and lightweight and such. It's always good to have 3 full meals a day, but you just have to eat in small portions. And it'll keep up my metabolism and free from hunger moments. So I need to go to Walmart and buy small tupperware that I can bring to classes with me. I would reallyyyy like a cute bento box but there are none around here and certainly nothing cute. So, maybe I'll ask my friend to buy me something in Flushing and bring it down. I want to eat my daily meals out of something supper cute ♥ And another goal of mine is to make lots of different meals, specifically Asian and other small, easy American dishes. For both lunch and dinner. Cooking is seriously my new hobby and I love it so much :)
Another thing I'm going to do is buy a cover for my computer. I'm going to be using a backpack this year and I'm going to start carrying my computer around since it's now much lighter and smaller than my last one. It'll be able to help me keep studying here at work on campus when I can't get to a library computer and I mean, if you don't play something fun or doing something fun for a bit then your brain begins to hurt so... I'll use it to beat random FB people on Tetris haha. I'm slowly figuring out what exactly is right. Took me too long to see clearly though.
And well, because of this new semester, I've made another blog. Nothing is posted on it, I just spent my entire 7 hours here working on campus to design it haha. I'll start using that one once Monday starts and that's where I'll be posting. It's going to be my third blog haha.... that's kinda pathetic in a way. I mean, I do have to admit, writing your life for the world to read on a blog is pretty stupid and obviously signals that you have no life. But, I try to think of it more as just motivation to make me do things. So look forward to my new blog based on my new college life with just random thoughts, how my life is moving ahead, and anything else really. Maybe you'll find something motivational for yourself as well :)
I have one more year to go in this college. Then I'll be abroad once more.
Lets go and aim forward
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Why girls fall in love with men, things never seem to change
Last night, I had hooka for the first time, pomegranate flavor with tobacco.
I haven't smoked in a long time. Well, I'm that girl who just doesn't smoke. Not like I have anything against it, I'm just personally not a smoker. Okay, I have something against LONG TERM SMOKERS, just because... the future effects really scare me. And I don't like when people try to destroy their body like that knowing it'll cause them to possibly get lung cancer. I guess that's why I could never become a smoker myself. I love trying new things, but if it's harmful or dangerous, I can't keep up with it.
I guess I really am too innocent.
Hence the meaning of my name. -sigh- Saying it like that just sounds like a curse, doesn't it?
I would like to try smoking a cigarette again though, just because it's been two years since I last gave it a shot. There's actually one thing I've always wanted to do though, ever since I turned 18.
Buy a pack of cigarettes.
I know this may sound reallyyy silly, but I've always wanted to do it just to say that I've bought cigarettes before. It's like turning 21 and being able to buy alcohol for the first time. I've never done this yet and I really want to but it wasn't until now that I remembered how much I wanted to do it. I'm not really sure what I would do with the pack anyway, I mean it would be kinda wasteful to just keep it without opening it. I guess that means I'd have to buy a lighter too.... haha, but you know, I was never good at smoking! I was trying to smoke hooka properly last night but I failed at that and yes, I coughed again. Same like when I had pot for the first time.... and when I had a cig for the first time.... smoke just doesn't work with me it seems. But I enjoyed it, it smelled good, and it was kinda cool.... to blow it out hahahaaaaa
One thing that has to be on my sexy list:
Kissing with the taste of tobacco in one's mouth.
I've only done it a few times! And after awhile I do admit I got really sick of it, tasting it all the time. I was just thinking, "seriously, could you just quit with the smoking? You taste bad." And so I was happy when it stopped. But recently.... and I mean this thought of mine has been going through my head for a few weeks now, I really miss that taste. It like, brings out a new level of temptation and seduction I can't quite explain. Just tasting it along their tongue, their gums..... it's sooo good.
But I know I'll sick of it again if I get too much of it. So it's like a really nice treat every so often.
You gotta admit, guys can look pretty sexy and intelligent if you see them outside smoking. But those chain smokers, gotta go.
I never quite understood it though.
Why do people who smoke enjoy smoking right after sex?
I mean, even for a non-chain smoker, if you did that I would be quite annoyed. What pleasure is in that bud that it's almost necessary to in-hail smoke right afterwards? I would rather be cuddled up after having something amazing. Not rest against the chest of a guy sitting up in bed enjoying a cig. I just don't get it. There's girls who are exactly the same way. Then there's the couples who do it together! If you do it together, good for you both, but I don't understand it. I don't think there's any explanation that would make sense to me to be honest.
Ahhhhh ahhhh
The more I think about this....
We're so stupid. Women really are.
We fall for the wrong men sometimes.
But can't help when they make us smile.
I'll try smoking again in the future. And I'll buy that pack of cigarettes too!
I want that special, sexy kiss ;) hahaaa lollll
I haven't smoked in a long time. Well, I'm that girl who just doesn't smoke. Not like I have anything against it, I'm just personally not a smoker. Okay, I have something against LONG TERM SMOKERS, just because... the future effects really scare me. And I don't like when people try to destroy their body like that knowing it'll cause them to possibly get lung cancer. I guess that's why I could never become a smoker myself. I love trying new things, but if it's harmful or dangerous, I can't keep up with it.
I guess I really am too innocent.
Hence the meaning of my name. -sigh- Saying it like that just sounds like a curse, doesn't it?
I would like to try smoking a cigarette again though, just because it's been two years since I last gave it a shot. There's actually one thing I've always wanted to do though, ever since I turned 18.
Buy a pack of cigarettes.
I know this may sound reallyyy silly, but I've always wanted to do it just to say that I've bought cigarettes before. It's like turning 21 and being able to buy alcohol for the first time. I've never done this yet and I really want to but it wasn't until now that I remembered how much I wanted to do it. I'm not really sure what I would do with the pack anyway, I mean it would be kinda wasteful to just keep it without opening it. I guess that means I'd have to buy a lighter too.... haha, but you know, I was never good at smoking! I was trying to smoke hooka properly last night but I failed at that and yes, I coughed again. Same like when I had pot for the first time.... and when I had a cig for the first time.... smoke just doesn't work with me it seems. But I enjoyed it, it smelled good, and it was kinda cool.... to blow it out hahahaaaaa
One thing that has to be on my sexy list:
Kissing with the taste of tobacco in one's mouth.
I've only done it a few times! And after awhile I do admit I got really sick of it, tasting it all the time. I was just thinking, "seriously, could you just quit with the smoking? You taste bad." And so I was happy when it stopped. But recently.... and I mean this thought of mine has been going through my head for a few weeks now, I really miss that taste. It like, brings out a new level of temptation and seduction I can't quite explain. Just tasting it along their tongue, their gums..... it's sooo good.
But I know I'll sick of it again if I get too much of it. So it's like a really nice treat every so often.
You gotta admit, guys can look pretty sexy and intelligent if you see them outside smoking. But those chain smokers, gotta go.
I never quite understood it though.
Why do people who smoke enjoy smoking right after sex?
I mean, even for a non-chain smoker, if you did that I would be quite annoyed. What pleasure is in that bud that it's almost necessary to in-hail smoke right afterwards? I would rather be cuddled up after having something amazing. Not rest against the chest of a guy sitting up in bed enjoying a cig. I just don't get it. There's girls who are exactly the same way. Then there's the couples who do it together! If you do it together, good for you both, but I don't understand it. I don't think there's any explanation that would make sense to me to be honest.
Ahhhhh ahhhh
The more I think about this....
We're so stupid. Women really are.
We fall for the wrong men sometimes.
But can't help when they make us smile.
I'll try smoking again in the future. And I'll buy that pack of cigarettes too!
I want that special, sexy kiss ;) hahaaa lollll
Friday, August 5, 2011
It's the way he kisses you, the way he touches you that makes you lose common sense
I'm still falling apart even when there's days I feel like I've gotten over all of this.
This is just really painful still. It's like a black, heavy mass of something just sitting in my torso. I tell myself time and time again that I'm over him. I just need closure. I know that's all I need! Then I can stop with the wishing and just get over myself.
I don't like this idea of waiting.... until October.
It's not like I'm going to hurt him or cling onto his arm. I just want to return his ring.
Return it so I don't have to hope anymore.
I don't understand how girls can be like this. We're grouped up to either caring less about the men we associate ourselves with and going with the flow, or we get attached and find it hard to let go.
Girls are so ridiculous.
I hate how complicated we have to be. I can't just go with the flow. Things just aren't that simple. Like I said before, I failed at that. I'm just not that kind of girl in the end.
The way we look at what women are is also just stupid.
The way we look at beauty.... it's unbelievable....
I've never really been one for make up. But most women wear it. Over half of American women, more than half of the entire world's population of women wear make up. I've tried before back in high school. I don't really like how it looks on me. When I was in Japan, I had to go on a mini-runway to show off a kimono. They dressed me up and applied the makeup..... but I just looked at myself and I thought it was ugly. My friend did my makeup for me once too and it looked wrong on me... and she's really good at putting makeup on herself too.
I'm not saying makeup is a bad thing. Many girls look beautiful with it on, and well.... lots of times I wish I could share that feeling with them. But what happened to a natural oneself? It just makes me think about plastic surgery too... you're destroying your real image just to please a crowd.
Maybe I'm just envious that I can't look as amazing as others with makeup. I can't really plan to go to a party and look fantastic by spending time in front of a mirror for an hour, and.... my main reason I don't wear concealer is because of my skin. I know they make oil-free concealer and shit but, I guess I'm just paranoid that it'll clog my pores anyway and spread the bacteria and I don't want my skin to get worse than it already is. But if you only use eyeliner, it kinda looks funny without the rest, right?
I guess, maybe for me, I just don't want to lie about my appearance. Most girls who wear makeup still look really good without it, but I'm just kinda the opposite. So, I don't want to lie about my real appearance. I want everyone to know this is how I am. Skin problems but with a good heart.
I guess, I'm just trying to make up for that lack of beauty.
Some days it looks like my skin is slowly getting better but I mean, it's not really getting so clear that you can notice a whole difference. I've just been trying to keep up with medicine and trying to take care of it but you know how it is... well, then again maybe no one does. It's been something throughout my entire life that I've been dealing with, so it hits me hard.
All I can say is that I'm trying to make up for it in other ways. Making sure I have white teeth, still applying medication to my skin hoping for the best, keeping my weight stable, eating more veggies and drinking more water, etc. Trying to make better choices for the things I lack in.
I really do feel lucky though in a way.
Because, something that frightened me year after year, something that made me cry night after night, after years of just feeling horrible about myself..... I can move on. I stopped caring how my skin or face looks in front of people after some time. I stopped with the concealer, I eventually dropped the eyeliner, and I just kept my original appearance. I still hid myself around people, hardly anyone can tell I have bad skin when my hair is down... but at least this way there was nothing else covering my problems. Because... if someone got to know me, I'd feel guilty that I didn't let them see my true self. Then I'd be hurt in the end if I didn't live up to what they thought I was.
I was really scared of that.
I was really afraid of being with someone because I knew eventually the whole "dating" stage would end and then we'd get down to you know, "the sex stage". The only times I was able to go through the dating stages were twice in high school, and so when it went right to the sex stage in college.... I was really not sure what to do. I never got to know the guy well and he never got to know me.... maybe I was just desperate to get rid of my virginity but.... once it happened I got really worried.
Here I was, sleeping next to a guy who only saw my outer appearance and I was so scared to turn my head in a direction where he could see my flaws, where I couldn't pretend to be pretty anymore. It scared me. I thought he honestly wouldn't like me anymore. And then it eventually got so bad, I became paranoid, and I thought I should end things before I got hurt because I wasn't beautiful anymore. But it didn't matter to him. He stayed there.
When it comes to beauty, I'm really sensitive....
So... I guess maybe this is why it's so painful.
At that time of meeting him, I was still trying to change myself for a different guy. I was trying to be prettier, trying to fix my skin again, trying anything to gain his attention again because I knew I couldn't possibly have lived to his standards of his type of girl. And then, this idiot comes along and takes me how I was. The me still trying to figure out what beauty was. What it meant for me to be beautiful. And he took every ugly part of me without much complaint.
Ever since then, I've cared less and less about how I look in front of people when I'm home. I'll wear my hair up and not care that I have bad skin. I shouldn't care what they think of me, they're not someone I'm trying to impress anyway.
And I've met so many kind people.
I've been told time and time again how pretty I look, and I'm complimented on many different occasions for some outfits or even if my hair is up a few people have told me I look really cute and I have been told I look cute with my glasses on too. I smile and say thank you every time, but as I'm typing this right now, I'm actually crying. Because it means so much to me to hear something like that. Fighting with myself just to figure out how to be beautiful, fighting with this low self-esteem I have..... I can't possibly tell you how happy I am.
I'm without makeup, I'm not hiding these flaws, and somehow, somehow, there's kind people who make me feel better. Being told that I'm beautiful... makes me feel like the happiest girl at that moment.
That's why sometimes, when I hear Bruno Mars' song "Just The Way You Are", when I first listened to those lyrics, I cried. Because a guy who can tell their girl exactly that, he's made their day a whole lot better. If I had a guy who would tell me that every morning when I woke up, I'd never let us fall apart. I would hug him.... I would hold him forever in that bed.
"Thank you" is what I would reply, and would probably cry a bit too hahaaa.
A word for the guys with special girls out there:
Don't ever forget to let her know that she's beautiful.
Because she's trying her best to look good for you, for you to keep accepting her. Don't let her attempts go unnoticed. She cares a lot for you.
This is just really painful still. It's like a black, heavy mass of something just sitting in my torso. I tell myself time and time again that I'm over him. I just need closure. I know that's all I need! Then I can stop with the wishing and just get over myself.
I don't like this idea of waiting.... until October.
It's not like I'm going to hurt him or cling onto his arm. I just want to return his ring.
Return it so I don't have to hope anymore.
I don't understand how girls can be like this. We're grouped up to either caring less about the men we associate ourselves with and going with the flow, or we get attached and find it hard to let go.
Girls are so ridiculous.
I hate how complicated we have to be. I can't just go with the flow. Things just aren't that simple. Like I said before, I failed at that. I'm just not that kind of girl in the end.
The way we look at what women are is also just stupid.
The way we look at beauty.... it's unbelievable....
I've never really been one for make up. But most women wear it. Over half of American women, more than half of the entire world's population of women wear make up. I've tried before back in high school. I don't really like how it looks on me. When I was in Japan, I had to go on a mini-runway to show off a kimono. They dressed me up and applied the makeup..... but I just looked at myself and I thought it was ugly. My friend did my makeup for me once too and it looked wrong on me... and she's really good at putting makeup on herself too.
I'm not saying makeup is a bad thing. Many girls look beautiful with it on, and well.... lots of times I wish I could share that feeling with them. But what happened to a natural oneself? It just makes me think about plastic surgery too... you're destroying your real image just to please a crowd.
Maybe I'm just envious that I can't look as amazing as others with makeup. I can't really plan to go to a party and look fantastic by spending time in front of a mirror for an hour, and.... my main reason I don't wear concealer is because of my skin. I know they make oil-free concealer and shit but, I guess I'm just paranoid that it'll clog my pores anyway and spread the bacteria and I don't want my skin to get worse than it already is. But if you only use eyeliner, it kinda looks funny without the rest, right?
I guess, maybe for me, I just don't want to lie about my appearance. Most girls who wear makeup still look really good without it, but I'm just kinda the opposite. So, I don't want to lie about my real appearance. I want everyone to know this is how I am. Skin problems but with a good heart.
I guess, I'm just trying to make up for that lack of beauty.
Some days it looks like my skin is slowly getting better but I mean, it's not really getting so clear that you can notice a whole difference. I've just been trying to keep up with medicine and trying to take care of it but you know how it is... well, then again maybe no one does. It's been something throughout my entire life that I've been dealing with, so it hits me hard.
All I can say is that I'm trying to make up for it in other ways. Making sure I have white teeth, still applying medication to my skin hoping for the best, keeping my weight stable, eating more veggies and drinking more water, etc. Trying to make better choices for the things I lack in.
I really do feel lucky though in a way.
Because, something that frightened me year after year, something that made me cry night after night, after years of just feeling horrible about myself..... I can move on. I stopped caring how my skin or face looks in front of people after some time. I stopped with the concealer, I eventually dropped the eyeliner, and I just kept my original appearance. I still hid myself around people, hardly anyone can tell I have bad skin when my hair is down... but at least this way there was nothing else covering my problems. Because... if someone got to know me, I'd feel guilty that I didn't let them see my true self. Then I'd be hurt in the end if I didn't live up to what they thought I was.
I was really scared of that.
I was really afraid of being with someone because I knew eventually the whole "dating" stage would end and then we'd get down to you know, "the sex stage". The only times I was able to go through the dating stages were twice in high school, and so when it went right to the sex stage in college.... I was really not sure what to do. I never got to know the guy well and he never got to know me.... maybe I was just desperate to get rid of my virginity but.... once it happened I got really worried.
Here I was, sleeping next to a guy who only saw my outer appearance and I was so scared to turn my head in a direction where he could see my flaws, where I couldn't pretend to be pretty anymore. It scared me. I thought he honestly wouldn't like me anymore. And then it eventually got so bad, I became paranoid, and I thought I should end things before I got hurt because I wasn't beautiful anymore. But it didn't matter to him. He stayed there.
When it comes to beauty, I'm really sensitive....
So... I guess maybe this is why it's so painful.
At that time of meeting him, I was still trying to change myself for a different guy. I was trying to be prettier, trying to fix my skin again, trying anything to gain his attention again because I knew I couldn't possibly have lived to his standards of his type of girl. And then, this idiot comes along and takes me how I was. The me still trying to figure out what beauty was. What it meant for me to be beautiful. And he took every ugly part of me without much complaint.
Ever since then, I've cared less and less about how I look in front of people when I'm home. I'll wear my hair up and not care that I have bad skin. I shouldn't care what they think of me, they're not someone I'm trying to impress anyway.
And I've met so many kind people.
I've been told time and time again how pretty I look, and I'm complimented on many different occasions for some outfits or even if my hair is up a few people have told me I look really cute and I have been told I look cute with my glasses on too. I smile and say thank you every time, but as I'm typing this right now, I'm actually crying. Because it means so much to me to hear something like that. Fighting with myself just to figure out how to be beautiful, fighting with this low self-esteem I have..... I can't possibly tell you how happy I am.
I'm without makeup, I'm not hiding these flaws, and somehow, somehow, there's kind people who make me feel better. Being told that I'm beautiful... makes me feel like the happiest girl at that moment.
That's why sometimes, when I hear Bruno Mars' song "Just The Way You Are", when I first listened to those lyrics, I cried. Because a guy who can tell their girl exactly that, he's made their day a whole lot better. If I had a guy who would tell me that every morning when I woke up, I'd never let us fall apart. I would hug him.... I would hold him forever in that bed.
"Thank you" is what I would reply, and would probably cry a bit too hahaaa.
A word for the guys with special girls out there:
Don't ever forget to let her know that she's beautiful.
Because she's trying her best to look good for you, for you to keep accepting her. Don't let her attempts go unnoticed. She cares a lot for you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I'm 20 years old, but I'm feeling like I'm 15
The number 20 doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me like it used to. You call me 20 but recently as I think about being 20, I can't feel it at all. I wonder why that is. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. Just a stupid high school sophomore.
I thought about it for a little.
And I think it might have been because I've been watching Sailor Moon and translating my mangas.
I mean, those girls are only 13 years old when they start out, then they eventually become high school students once the Stars season starts. There's an obvious difference in the attitudes between the final series and the previous but, how could a 13 year old care about love like they know what the heck they're talking about? The show makes them seem more mature than they should be and I can't feel 20 anymore.
Then again here I was born in America while who the heck knows what goes on in the minds of young Japanese girls anymore.
20....
I got taller within this past year....
can't say my chest filled in though....
guess I have to wait till I'm pregnant now to see any change... ><
Still have that skin problem....
but my teeth are nice and white now....
I don't eat bad....
I exercise too....
And I learned to cook...
My mind has changed a lot obviously. but
I don't feel 20.
Somehow my mind just doesn't want to agree with it even if I'm here surviving on my own, making my own decisions, working, in college, I can go on.
It's weird to even feel like this right now.
I guess you can say I'm still making some pretty bad decisions though.
Still doing things for wrong reasons.
But 20 years old....
maybe that's the proof that I'm that old haha
making wrong choices and learning from them.
Trying to figure out which is the better you, I mean,
as you try to figure what to do with yourself in both a social sense and future prospective. I wonder sometimes how social I ought to be. Not that I'm anti-social, no, no! It's just.... what I used to think freshman year... of everything new I wanted to try, well.... sometimes it seems in the end, I'm just a good girl after all hahaa.. I tried to do something this past year I kinda always wanted to do in my college life and it just didn't work out the way I thought it would. I guess that's just the learning process, in the end, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be or do something I wanted my life to go.
I joked around with everyone about it, but the truth is, I got really upset.
My emotions were twisted in a way that I was either ashamed of myself or because I failed. I didn't know which was my real feeling.
I guess, I learned from it.
But I'm still not happy about it.
Because failing at it just made my life less exciting.
And all the words and nonsense that I speak about with my friends, I can't live up to them.
Because, even though I love the concept, I can't bring myself to go through with the actual meaning anymore. Those fantasies are so distant now. I tried once. And the final result were those two different feelings. Something I don't want to have to feel again.
Maybe, Sailor Moon twisted my personality as a kid.
With all that 13 year old nonsense hahaa..
I'm just a pretty normal girl.
I obsess over guys, talk about bad things, but in the end that's all I can do.
I don't have any balls to live the college life I actually dreamed of having.
I'm probably, still growing up.
And now I'm going to make some coffee.
I thought about it for a little.
And I think it might have been because I've been watching Sailor Moon and translating my mangas.
I mean, those girls are only 13 years old when they start out, then they eventually become high school students once the Stars season starts. There's an obvious difference in the attitudes between the final series and the previous but, how could a 13 year old care about love like they know what the heck they're talking about? The show makes them seem more mature than they should be and I can't feel 20 anymore.
Then again here I was born in America while who the heck knows what goes on in the minds of young Japanese girls anymore.
20....
I got taller within this past year....
can't say my chest filled in though....
guess I have to wait till I'm pregnant now to see any change... ><
Still have that skin problem....
but my teeth are nice and white now....
I don't eat bad....
I exercise too....
And I learned to cook...
My mind has changed a lot obviously. but
I don't feel 20.
Somehow my mind just doesn't want to agree with it even if I'm here surviving on my own, making my own decisions, working, in college, I can go on.
It's weird to even feel like this right now.
I guess you can say I'm still making some pretty bad decisions though.
Still doing things for wrong reasons.
But 20 years old....
maybe that's the proof that I'm that old haha
making wrong choices and learning from them.
Trying to figure out which is the better you, I mean,
as you try to figure what to do with yourself in both a social sense and future prospective. I wonder sometimes how social I ought to be. Not that I'm anti-social, no, no! It's just.... what I used to think freshman year... of everything new I wanted to try, well.... sometimes it seems in the end, I'm just a good girl after all hahaa.. I tried to do something this past year I kinda always wanted to do in my college life and it just didn't work out the way I thought it would. I guess that's just the learning process, in the end, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be or do something I wanted my life to go.
I joked around with everyone about it, but the truth is, I got really upset.
My emotions were twisted in a way that I was either ashamed of myself or because I failed. I didn't know which was my real feeling.
I guess, I learned from it.
But I'm still not happy about it.
Because failing at it just made my life less exciting.
And all the words and nonsense that I speak about with my friends, I can't live up to them.
Because, even though I love the concept, I can't bring myself to go through with the actual meaning anymore. Those fantasies are so distant now. I tried once. And the final result were those two different feelings. Something I don't want to have to feel again.
Maybe, Sailor Moon twisted my personality as a kid.
With all that 13 year old nonsense hahaa..
I'm just a pretty normal girl.
I obsess over guys, talk about bad things, but in the end that's all I can do.
I don't have any balls to live the college life I actually dreamed of having.
I'm probably, still growing up.
And now I'm going to make some coffee.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Proper ways to dieting only make you look fatter
Today is our last day in North Carolina's Outer Banks. We're spending the day with jet riders and then the beach. So, it's going to be a slow day, and probably will be indoors for most of the day since you can only spend so much time at a beach before you get too hot and start burning haha
Have you ever thought about dieting?
I don't mean to make fun at anyone or point people out but, as I watch my sister try to diet, I think I've realized why so many people have trouble with it. I mean, of course there's the whole metabolism thing in which you just can't help if you were born with a slow or fast one, but there's so many things you can do to help yourself get healthier.
Lets just take my sister for example.
She's just trying to eat less with a little bit of exercise (I THINK she's also exercising). But she doesn't eat things she really should. She's not a big veggie person and I think that's a big problem. When I was a freshman in college I always went back to the dorm with a salad and that's all I ate. In all honesty though I was quite a bad dieter. Very unhealthy myself. I ate an orange for breakfast and an orange for lunch then had my salad for supper. I walked a lot though. Of course when you're on campus all you do is walk all over the place, but then when your dorm is so far away the school even offers a bus to get there but you decide to walk, that's double the walking. Okay, so the place wasn't THAT far of a walk, but still farther than most of the other dorms.
But I think veggies are really important.
Fruits are too I'm sure, but I don't really eat fruits. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE FRUIT, but I just choose to buy veggies instead. Another thing I've begun to notice is the way the metabolism works. For how much I weigh and I haven't really been gaining weight, just keeping it constant, I've realized you can't just stick with something. You HAVE to eat what you want. Just keep it in small portions depending on how many calories it is and how much of an intake would affect you.
I still think salads are the best thing out there though.
You need to learn how to love veggies, they help you out in so many different ways. I've been eating smaller portions, drinking A LOT of water, and exercising if not every day I do for like 2 hours every other day (DDR really is the best ♥~). Exercising a little bit helps you out, even if it's just 20 minutes a day.
Look at Asian countries.
I've lived in Japan for a year, and I'm sure other foreigners who have spent time there will agree with me when I say that what they eat is really healthy. Excluding all their sweets haha. There's not a lot of calories in their food and it's full of veggies and not a lot of meat. Meat isn't really good for you either. I've been keeping away from that as best as possible, that's why I turned into a pescatarian.
America just stops thinking about what's good for you anymore and people need to be more self-conscious. I don't want to say I hate fat people. It's just I get disappointed when I see so many Americans suffering from being over-weight or obesity. However, I do understand that many people have problems such as diabetes which cause weight gain and they can't help being how they are. What I can't approve is the many people who just let themselves get out of hand and also allow their children to get how they are. It's sad really.
Everyone thinks I'm obsessed with weight-loss because I'm always saying I'm trying to loss weight. I'm not a freaking thin-thinking-whatever-crazy person. I just want to be at a certain weight and I'm done. So people need to stop worrying.
But a lot of people need to get more healthier in their daily lifestyles.
I can see myself spending more time on a blog to write more on this topic.
Maybe next time :)
FYI, TOFU IS THE SHIT ♥
Have you ever thought about dieting?
I don't mean to make fun at anyone or point people out but, as I watch my sister try to diet, I think I've realized why so many people have trouble with it. I mean, of course there's the whole metabolism thing in which you just can't help if you were born with a slow or fast one, but there's so many things you can do to help yourself get healthier.
Lets just take my sister for example.
She's just trying to eat less with a little bit of exercise (I THINK she's also exercising). But she doesn't eat things she really should. She's not a big veggie person and I think that's a big problem. When I was a freshman in college I always went back to the dorm with a salad and that's all I ate. In all honesty though I was quite a bad dieter. Very unhealthy myself. I ate an orange for breakfast and an orange for lunch then had my salad for supper. I walked a lot though. Of course when you're on campus all you do is walk all over the place, but then when your dorm is so far away the school even offers a bus to get there but you decide to walk, that's double the walking. Okay, so the place wasn't THAT far of a walk, but still farther than most of the other dorms.
But I think veggies are really important.
Fruits are too I'm sure, but I don't really eat fruits. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE FRUIT, but I just choose to buy veggies instead. Another thing I've begun to notice is the way the metabolism works. For how much I weigh and I haven't really been gaining weight, just keeping it constant, I've realized you can't just stick with something. You HAVE to eat what you want. Just keep it in small portions depending on how many calories it is and how much of an intake would affect you.
I still think salads are the best thing out there though.
You need to learn how to love veggies, they help you out in so many different ways. I've been eating smaller portions, drinking A LOT of water, and exercising if not every day I do for like 2 hours every other day (DDR really is the best ♥~). Exercising a little bit helps you out, even if it's just 20 minutes a day.
Look at Asian countries.
I've lived in Japan for a year, and I'm sure other foreigners who have spent time there will agree with me when I say that what they eat is really healthy. Excluding all their sweets haha. There's not a lot of calories in their food and it's full of veggies and not a lot of meat. Meat isn't really good for you either. I've been keeping away from that as best as possible, that's why I turned into a pescatarian.
America just stops thinking about what's good for you anymore and people need to be more self-conscious. I don't want to say I hate fat people. It's just I get disappointed when I see so many Americans suffering from being over-weight or obesity. However, I do understand that many people have problems such as diabetes which cause weight gain and they can't help being how they are. What I can't approve is the many people who just let themselves get out of hand and also allow their children to get how they are. It's sad really.
Everyone thinks I'm obsessed with weight-loss because I'm always saying I'm trying to loss weight. I'm not a freaking thin-thinking-whatever-crazy person. I just want to be at a certain weight and I'm done. So people need to stop worrying.
But a lot of people need to get more healthier in their daily lifestyles.
I can see myself spending more time on a blog to write more on this topic.
Maybe next time :)
FYI, TOFU IS THE SHIT ♥
Friday, July 29, 2011
Why Can't I.....逮
I thought it would be really cool if I bought a mood ring for my pinky, wear it around and kinda be impressed how it changed its color to try and figure out what kind of mood I'm in.
Right now, it says I'm relaxed :)
I went to the aquarium today, and then yesterday I got home late returning from an outdoor play. I was so exhausted yesterday I went right to sleep, and for once I slept in this morning. Well, 8AM isn't really sleeping in but, it's two hours later than normal that's for sure.
I had a lot of fun at the aquarium today, like A LOT of fun.
I felt like a kid again. I saw they had a certain fish and I ran over to it, calling my dad and sis over as well. It was a small aquarium, really nothing big, but I didn't need anything big to make me happy. I told my dad I was glad to go afterwards and he said it too "simple things please simple minds". Pretty much he was calling me stupid, not seriously though. But he's right. I say it myself and a lot of my friends say it too. The littlest things make me happy, make me smile.
I have a simple mind.
I know I'm not very smart.
I know I'm not really observant.
Heck, I'm not even accomplishing that much in my life. And I'm discovering too many things too late.
But I never want to call myself stupid.
I might be easily fooled, but other times I fake it. I'll acted stupid just to... just because it helps me smile. If I act like a kid, I feel a lot better about things. Not that I'm depressed all the time, it just helps me lighten up situations and relax. But depending on the situation, if someone calls me dumb or well, "stupid", it really hurts. Not all the time, of course not, but there's just many times people will say something and all I can do is smile and be like "yeah, sorry I really am stupid."
I guess it's just hard to understand why I do things or act the way I do sometimes. I mean, I don't even fully understand it myself even.
But I'm trying to.
But some things won't change.
Like me acting like a kid. I feel like, if anything that has to be my best quality. It's just so carefree and laughing all the time. When you feel like a kid, especially around people, it gives you a new feeling of comfort. At least that's what I think. I never act like a kid around my family and stuff. But around my friends I'm always screaming and acting "stupid" because I feel so comfortable.
Pieces. 碎.
Pretty much in every single person there's scars that you just want to fix. Pieces of yourself you want to repair, you want someone to help you fix them but are to ashamed to ask. If not ashamed, you just don't know how to ask, or well, you know if you don't know how to repair it yourself there isn't a way someone could help you either.
You keep things quiet,
and then you realize too late, things have gone too far.
And by then, you're regretful.
hmm.....
same here, isn't it?
Help should have been asked for sooner.
You know, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. These words kinda just came off my head, but I was trying to make it have sense.
One thing doesn't change though.
Was there ever a time you realize you made a huge mistake and you wanted to fix it so badly you'd do anything? Or did you lose something because of something you never meant to do and wish you could have it back?
If you had that chance to regain what you could of had one more time, would you take it?
I can't defy what I've done.
And I've scared the one person I truly care about unintentionally.
It's been a year. I look desperate.
I scared him, and.....
-sigh- I want to make a wish.
I want to prove I'm normal.
I lost something really good to me. Something I really needed.
I wish......
Well, I'm sorry for everything I accidentally have done.
I'll never do it again. I just need him to believe in me.
I'm going to build a card castle now.
I guess maybe no one knew but, it is a hobby of mine. I just always forget I love to do it so much.
Right now, it says I'm relaxed :)
I went to the aquarium today, and then yesterday I got home late returning from an outdoor play. I was so exhausted yesterday I went right to sleep, and for once I slept in this morning. Well, 8AM isn't really sleeping in but, it's two hours later than normal that's for sure.
I had a lot of fun at the aquarium today, like A LOT of fun.
I felt like a kid again. I saw they had a certain fish and I ran over to it, calling my dad and sis over as well. It was a small aquarium, really nothing big, but I didn't need anything big to make me happy. I told my dad I was glad to go afterwards and he said it too "simple things please simple minds". Pretty much he was calling me stupid, not seriously though. But he's right. I say it myself and a lot of my friends say it too. The littlest things make me happy, make me smile.
I have a simple mind.
I know I'm not very smart.
I know I'm not really observant.
Heck, I'm not even accomplishing that much in my life. And I'm discovering too many things too late.
But I never want to call myself stupid.
I might be easily fooled, but other times I fake it. I'll acted stupid just to... just because it helps me smile. If I act like a kid, I feel a lot better about things. Not that I'm depressed all the time, it just helps me lighten up situations and relax. But depending on the situation, if someone calls me dumb or well, "stupid", it really hurts. Not all the time, of course not, but there's just many times people will say something and all I can do is smile and be like "yeah, sorry I really am stupid."
I guess it's just hard to understand why I do things or act the way I do sometimes. I mean, I don't even fully understand it myself even.
But I'm trying to.
But some things won't change.
Like me acting like a kid. I feel like, if anything that has to be my best quality. It's just so carefree and laughing all the time. When you feel like a kid, especially around people, it gives you a new feeling of comfort. At least that's what I think. I never act like a kid around my family and stuff. But around my friends I'm always screaming and acting "stupid" because I feel so comfortable.
Pieces. 碎.
Pretty much in every single person there's scars that you just want to fix. Pieces of yourself you want to repair, you want someone to help you fix them but are to ashamed to ask. If not ashamed, you just don't know how to ask, or well, you know if you don't know how to repair it yourself there isn't a way someone could help you either.
You keep things quiet,
and then you realize too late, things have gone too far.
And by then, you're regretful.
hmm.....
same here, isn't it?
Help should have been asked for sooner.
You know, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. These words kinda just came off my head, but I was trying to make it have sense.
One thing doesn't change though.
Was there ever a time you realize you made a huge mistake and you wanted to fix it so badly you'd do anything? Or did you lose something because of something you never meant to do and wish you could have it back?
If you had that chance to regain what you could of had one more time, would you take it?
I can't defy what I've done.
And I've scared the one person I truly care about unintentionally.
It's been a year. I look desperate.
I scared him, and.....
-sigh- I want to make a wish.
I want to prove I'm normal.
I lost something really good to me. Something I really needed.
I wish......
Well, I'm sorry for everything I accidentally have done.
I'll never do it again. I just need him to believe in me.
I'm going to build a card castle now.
I guess maybe no one knew but, it is a hobby of mine. I just always forget I love to do it so much.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Nothing is ever gone, it's just sometimes misplaced
It's been five days since I've been in North Carolina, Outer Banks.
I went to the beach and got burnt badly, when I took off the top of my bathing suit and looked in a mirror, I looked like a lobster with a white bikini on. It was reallyyy embarrassing. No one had to see me naked though so it'll fade away soon before anyone does. You can probably see it a little on my facebook picture anyway :l
I've been wanting to go to an aquarium so badly all summer.
I posted it on facebook a few months back too, "someone should take me to an aquarium!!" or something like that haha, I really am a kid. I told my friend I was excited to go yesterday and all he said was that there will be so many kids there. DUH, I FIT RIGHT IN!! Unleashing my inner child ;)
I don't know why I like aquariums so much.
There's just something about ocean life that makes me happy. When I was in the ocean yesterday I was walking with a school of small fish and I was just so amazed with them. Turtles are really cool too. I want a pet turtle :) I remember freshman year two guys had a pet turtle where I stayed. If I knew them better I probably would have asked them if I could play with it all the time. I remember being a kid and going to aquariums were like a thing I really looked forward to. I didn't go to many though.... But I remember this HUGE one I went to! I think it was in New Jersey? Maybe Maryland?
I'm sure the one in NYC is huge too.
I would really like to go but I won't have that much time there. Satoshi really wants to go karaoke so I have to make sure I don't fall out on that plan this time. AND I NEED TO GO TO THAT CHINESE BAKERY AGAIN!!! My bread.....
I'm going to get a souvenir at this place for sure though.
Something really cute :)
Sushi Tei called me while I've been here though.
I'm starting to regret even saying I would consider the job now. I didn't pick up any of the three times. I'm afraid of what she'll say or ask of me. I know I can use the money but.... I don't think it would be a good idea in the end. Especially since I'm sure to be getting extra hours this month at P.S. because it's back-to-school season. I'm not going to screw P.S. over. No way No way! I love them all there. My manager actually told me she misses me last night haha and my roomies have been saying the same thing. They'll wish I was gone again though soon enough ;) I'll be back and with two more DDR games I'll be stomping around and be screaming at the TV again. And they'll tell me to "calm down, it's only DDR". haha
But now since I'm bring up my N64 controllers I'll be playing Mario Party with them and might buy Tetris yet for it so I can kick Shigeru's ass when he comes back. He destroyed me on the DS one, but I've been playing all summer since he's been gone. Now it's revenge.
It's sad that I can't bring up my second DDR mat though -sigh-
But yeah.... Sushi Tei.... I don't know what to say or do now.....
I'll be wearing my white skirt today for the aquarium and 2 hour play tonight. Really excited for today but of course everyone is still sleeping. Why can't I sleep normally? This is what work does to you.
I want to do something about me.
Entry after entry, apology after apology, things I want to say but are too afraid to say it to them. Things I want to say but I don't have the strength. Now that half a year has already passed so quickly, I thought a lot about things this past week. It was a good week, and I'm happy :) We just have to smile and find a reason to do so. I have three more days here, and I'll still be thinking a lot. But all the bad things happened, and you just have to say you're sorry and try to move on. Thinking too much about painful things of now and yesterday, from family or others, apologize and let go of that regret. I'm going to need to apologize to her soon.... I have to.
忘れないように
I went to the beach and got burnt badly, when I took off the top of my bathing suit and looked in a mirror, I looked like a lobster with a white bikini on. It was reallyyy embarrassing. No one had to see me naked though so it'll fade away soon before anyone does. You can probably see it a little on my facebook picture anyway :l
I've been wanting to go to an aquarium so badly all summer.
I posted it on facebook a few months back too, "someone should take me to an aquarium!!" or something like that haha, I really am a kid. I told my friend I was excited to go yesterday and all he said was that there will be so many kids there. DUH, I FIT RIGHT IN!! Unleashing my inner child ;)
I don't know why I like aquariums so much.
There's just something about ocean life that makes me happy. When I was in the ocean yesterday I was walking with a school of small fish and I was just so amazed with them. Turtles are really cool too. I want a pet turtle :) I remember freshman year two guys had a pet turtle where I stayed. If I knew them better I probably would have asked them if I could play with it all the time. I remember being a kid and going to aquariums were like a thing I really looked forward to. I didn't go to many though.... But I remember this HUGE one I went to! I think it was in New Jersey? Maybe Maryland?
I'm sure the one in NYC is huge too.
I would really like to go but I won't have that much time there. Satoshi really wants to go karaoke so I have to make sure I don't fall out on that plan this time. AND I NEED TO GO TO THAT CHINESE BAKERY AGAIN!!! My bread.....
I'm going to get a souvenir at this place for sure though.
Something really cute :)
Sushi Tei called me while I've been here though.
I'm starting to regret even saying I would consider the job now. I didn't pick up any of the three times. I'm afraid of what she'll say or ask of me. I know I can use the money but.... I don't think it would be a good idea in the end. Especially since I'm sure to be getting extra hours this month at P.S. because it's back-to-school season. I'm not going to screw P.S. over. No way No way! I love them all there. My manager actually told me she misses me last night haha and my roomies have been saying the same thing. They'll wish I was gone again though soon enough ;) I'll be back and with two more DDR games I'll be stomping around and be screaming at the TV again. And they'll tell me to "calm down, it's only DDR". haha
But now since I'm bring up my N64 controllers I'll be playing Mario Party with them and might buy Tetris yet for it so I can kick Shigeru's ass when he comes back. He destroyed me on the DS one, but I've been playing all summer since he's been gone. Now it's revenge.
It's sad that I can't bring up my second DDR mat though -sigh-
But yeah.... Sushi Tei.... I don't know what to say or do now.....
I'll be wearing my white skirt today for the aquarium and 2 hour play tonight. Really excited for today but of course everyone is still sleeping. Why can't I sleep normally? This is what work does to you.
I want to do something about me.
Entry after entry, apology after apology, things I want to say but are too afraid to say it to them. Things I want to say but I don't have the strength. Now that half a year has already passed so quickly, I thought a lot about things this past week. It was a good week, and I'm happy :) We just have to smile and find a reason to do so. I have three more days here, and I'll still be thinking a lot. But all the bad things happened, and you just have to say you're sorry and try to move on. Thinking too much about painful things of now and yesterday, from family or others, apologize and let go of that regret. I'm going to need to apologize to her soon.... I have to.
忘れないように
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
神様、願いどうしちゃったの...?
In a matter of minutes, one thing turned into another, and then....
I get it already.
I'm submissive.
Because I'm insecure.
I'm easy prey.
After all, I'm a white girl.
I don't know if I should be happy or sad you told me all of this.
I don't know if I wanted to know the truth that badly.
I believe her. I really believe everything she said.
But then again, I don't know.
It's kinda upsetting, people like us are the one's who get used the most. We look for someone to accept us when we can't accept ourselves. We turn into a doormat. Without realizing it.
I can't believe it all though.
I might have been used, but somewhere in all of that, I was really happy.
I believed I was wanted, and sometimes, it's better to lie to someone in order to keep them happy with themselves.
Well, I'm pretty sure none of that matters anymore.
I said something that was embarrassing and upsetting to say. But I had to, because I was wrong.
I was wrong to do what I did. And it ate me up inside.
I'll be better.
I know that at some point in time in August, I'll know what will happen next.
everyone can change.
And I'm not talking about myself here.
You can hate someone for what they did to you all you want but they won't always stay that way.
I try to look for the best in each person, and I find it hard to hate someone. I use the word often, but not once have I meant it.
I always thought it would be cute if I could be the cause of change.
But for now, it's checkmate. I lost. I definitely know I did.
I just need to hear it in person to be satisfied.
I have a choice to believe what I want.
And I still want to believe that's thing had changed.
Maybe not completely, but I feel like when Shiina Ringo sings her song "ギブス" that's exactly how everything was.
I'll forget yesterday and the months before, as long as I can hold you tight tomorrow.
Well, that's my version haha
You know, it makes more sense that way.
I don't know why I'm letting something like that bother me. Sure, it's wrong of me to say it's all okay, but... why should I think about that? I don't have much time left anyway, you know? All I have is a year. It's not very long. And then, I'm gone forever.
So I don't want to keep thinking about that.
I'll take it as it happened, and that everyone will change. And everyone will learn.
Forget, but don't forget the wrong in it.
Forget, but remember to learn.
It's okay.
When I started writing this blog I was actually really upset.
But, it's okay now.
I think I accepted defeat.
I''ll post a different blog when I wake up in the morning.
I actually wanted to talk about something completely unrelated.... but then she messaged me and... messed me up...
So, good night for now, Blogger.
I'll see you in the morning.
I get it already.
I'm submissive.
Because I'm insecure.
I'm easy prey.
After all, I'm a white girl.
I don't know if I should be happy or sad you told me all of this.
I don't know if I wanted to know the truth that badly.
I believe her. I really believe everything she said.
But then again, I don't know.
I can't believe it all though.
Well, I'm pretty sure none of that matters anymore.
I said something that was embarrassing and upsetting to say. But I had to, because I was wrong.
I was wrong to do what I did. And it ate me up inside.
I'll be better.
I know that at some point in time in August, I'll know what will happen next.
everyone can change.
And I'm not talking about myself here.
You can hate someone for what they did to you all you want but they won't always stay that way.
I try to look for the best in each person, and I find it hard to hate someone. I use the word often, but not once have I meant it.
I always thought it would be cute if I could be the cause of change.
But for now, it's checkmate. I lost. I definitely know I did.
I just need to hear it in person to be satisfied.
I have a choice to believe what I want.
And I still want to believe that's thing had changed.
Maybe not completely, but I feel like when Shiina Ringo sings her song "ギブス" that's exactly how everything was.
I'll forget yesterday and the months before, as long as I can hold you tight tomorrow.
Well, that's my version haha
You know, it makes more sense that way.
I don't know why I'm letting something like that bother me. Sure, it's wrong of me to say it's all okay, but... why should I think about that? I don't have much time left anyway, you know? All I have is a year. It's not very long. And then, I'm gone forever.
So I don't want to keep thinking about that.
I'll take it as it happened, and that everyone will change. And everyone will learn.
Forget, but don't forget the wrong in it.
Forget, but remember to learn.
It's okay.
When I started writing this blog I was actually really upset.
But, it's okay now.
I think I accepted defeat.
I''ll post a different blog when I wake up in the morning.
I actually wanted to talk about something completely unrelated.... but then she messaged me and... messed me up...
So, good night for now, Blogger.
I'll see you in the morning.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
希望 part ニ
希望 - take it, take it all, take all that I have
I sent out a mass message to a bunch of people on Facebook, and was honestly surprised with some of the answers I received. Some I didn't want to hear, others were more of my liking.
But the truth to that question is probably the answer I didn't want to read.
I don't even know him that well, he doesn't even know me that well, but he's hitting it dead center.
希望
I'd ask the question myself, but that won't help.
I really do appreciate all the answers I received. Thank you everyone :)
Hope;
a foolish little thing.
Being here these past three days makes me feel different.
Not sure if that's a good thing... no, it doesn't feel that good at all really. My thoughts have been wandering off every time I look out onto the bay or over some body of water we pass on our ventures here.
I've been hanging onto my journal too, taking it everywhere I go and writing whatever is on my mind. I've written about a lot of different things. And now I've been posting a blog everyday.. -_____-''
But I've.. I've written a lot.
There's a page about ****, then there's a few pages family.
Family relationships and where mine have turned wrong.
I've always carried the weight on my mom, always made her the blame for most of my mess. And whether or not that is entirely true, is not my decision to make. I can repeat facts but I can't do much more. The more I've tossed the blame on her, the more guilty and ashamed I feel of myself so much that I hate myself for it. How could I blame her for everything? That's so immature, pushing the blame on someone else!
And yet I've done it.
Last year, even if I still can't bring myself to forgive her for what she did to me last year, I can't forgive myself for the letter I left her. I blamed her for so much... I blamed her for the way I was and for the childhood I never had with her.... for a childhood I couldn't remember but SURELY I HAD!!
....
why the fuck....
why do I have to be such a spoiled brat....
I'm... I'm so.sorry...
....mom.
I sent out a mass message to a bunch of people on Facebook, and was honestly surprised with some of the answers I received. Some I didn't want to hear, others were more of my liking.
But the truth to that question is probably the answer I didn't want to read.
I don't even know him that well, he doesn't even know me that well, but he's hitting it dead center.
希望
I'd ask the question myself, but that won't help.
I really do appreciate all the answers I received. Thank you everyone :)
Hope;
a foolish little thing.
Being here these past three days makes me feel different.
Not sure if that's a good thing... no, it doesn't feel that good at all really. My thoughts have been wandering off every time I look out onto the bay or over some body of water we pass on our ventures here.
I've been hanging onto my journal too, taking it everywhere I go and writing whatever is on my mind. I've written about a lot of different things. And now I've been posting a blog everyday.. -_____-''
But I've.. I've written a lot.
There's a page about ****, then there's a few pages family.
Family relationships and where mine have turned wrong.
I've always carried the weight on my mom, always made her the blame for most of my mess. And whether or not that is entirely true, is not my decision to make. I can repeat facts but I can't do much more. The more I've tossed the blame on her, the more guilty and ashamed I feel of myself so much that I hate myself for it. How could I blame her for everything? That's so immature, pushing the blame on someone else!
And yet I've done it.
Last year, even if I still can't bring myself to forgive her for what she did to me last year, I can't forgive myself for the letter I left her. I blamed her for so much... I blamed her for the way I was and for the childhood I never had with her.... for a childhood I couldn't remember but SURELY I HAD!!
....
why the fuck....
why do I have to be such a spoiled brat....
I'm... I'm so.sorry...
....mom.
Monday, July 25, 2011
希望 part イチ
どうしてだろう、あたしがこんなに弱くて。
どうしてだろうこのぐらい泣いてる。
どうしてだろうあのバカのことに落ち込んでしまう。
どうしてだろうね。
どうして全部が怖くなってしまっただろう。
何も悪こともしてなかった。
誕生日プレゼントが届けばよかったな。
そこも悪ことなんて書かなかった。「ハーピーバースデー」しか書かなかった。
ラブレターっていうものも書かなかった。
普通のカードだ。
悪ことなかった。今回。
前..... あのバカと安心できた。
安心でとても幸せだった。
今だけど.... 苦しさ、痛みなんてバッカリするんだ。
この苦しみもう慣れたと思ったが涙が止まらないんだ。
ゼンゼントマラナイ
優しくて２人で話したいのに
なんで日本に行って性格が変わっちゃうの？
前の彼氏返して！
あの優しい心どうしたんだ？
きっと捨てなかったでしょね！
アメリカへ帰ったときどんな君になるの？
あたしと会うでしょう？
ずっと待ってたから。
１年後まだこんなに好きなんて.....
それは素晴らしいことじゃないの？
じゃないの？
２人で過ごした年間どうした？
あたしを無視しないでいじわらせないで
あたしも心があるよ
人間だもん。
だって
バカな君と同じ
痛みするよ。
あたしの気持ちに気を使って
あたしのことが嫌いでまた会いたがってないのは本当なら
教えてくれもう
君のために
まだ 頑張ってるからさ
あたしの悪性格
一所懸命直したから
また君の心に届けるように
even after all the hurt, I still want to be right there.
something is wrong with me,
but I'm not crazy. I'm honestly not
I just, I just believe in myself
[secret base～君がくれたもの～(10 years after Ver.)].mp3 by Chinni
Sunday, July 24, 2011
North Carolina, not such a bad place after after all DAY ONE
Day one in the Outer Banks, North Carolina.
It made me have two different feelings.
One feeling, on the way down in the car, I smelled the ocean and I felt Hitachi.
The second feeling was as I sat on the deck in our rental home's backyard and looked out onto the bay... it was the feeling of Canada when I used to go up to a lake when I was a kid all those years back.
I'm glad I came here.
I mean, who knows, the next couple of days might not be so swell but being here against the wind and now that a storm has just arrived, it feels amazing.
I absolutely love thunderstorms.
Even here along the bay makes it better as the waves crash up, and you hear the wind swirling, seeing the bright strips of light strike the surface water.... I love it. I could sit outside just watching it and listening to really beautiful music at the same time, like the piano or even better Daishi Dance. If anyone reading this blog hasn't heard of Daishi Dance, look him up on YouTube and just listen to how magnificent and calming and relaxing his music is.
In any case, this lightning is beautiful ♥
I'm not really sure what's up for the week. Since we spent a nine hour drive up here we just relaxed today and I kinda just want to relax here forever haha
But I know we're going to go to the beach for a bit tomorrow :)
I think I've kinda decided on something.
I'm really excited for a summer when I can tell my husband/boyfriend, "Let's go and rent a place near the beach. I'll cook lots of stuff and it'll be a lot of fun."sexsexsex
Well, isn't that the same as getting a house or apartment of your own?
Pretty much, but I look at this more as a romantic getaway, if you know what I mean ;)
North Carolina......
よろしくおねがいします～♥
Now I'll go listen to Daishi Dance,
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Tetris has also become a very bad addiction.
And I'm starting to get really really good at it. I play it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
:DD
vvvvvvvvv Sailor Moon!!! vvvvvvvvvv
It made me have two different feelings.
One feeling, on the way down in the car, I smelled the ocean and I felt Hitachi.
The second feeling was as I sat on the deck in our rental home's backyard and looked out onto the bay... it was the feeling of Canada when I used to go up to a lake when I was a kid all those years back.
I'm glad I came here.
I mean, who knows, the next couple of days might not be so swell but being here against the wind and now that a storm has just arrived, it feels amazing.
I absolutely love thunderstorms.
Even here along the bay makes it better as the waves crash up, and you hear the wind swirling, seeing the bright strips of light strike the surface water.... I love it. I could sit outside just watching it and listening to really beautiful music at the same time, like the piano or even better Daishi Dance. If anyone reading this blog hasn't heard of Daishi Dance, look him up on YouTube and just listen to how magnificent and calming and relaxing his music is.
In any case, this lightning is beautiful ♥
I'm not really sure what's up for the week. Since we spent a nine hour drive up here we just relaxed today and I kinda just want to relax here forever haha
But I know we're going to go to the beach for a bit tomorrow :)
I think I've kinda decided on something.
I'm really excited for a summer when I can tell my husband/boyfriend, "Let's go and rent a place near the beach. I'll cook lots of stuff and it'll be a lot of fun."
Well, isn't that the same as getting a house or apartment of your own?
Pretty much, but I look at this more as a romantic getaway, if you know what I mean ;)
North Carolina......
よろしくおねがいします～♥
Now I'll go listen to Daishi Dance,
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Tetris has also become a very bad addiction.
And I'm starting to get really really good at it. I play it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
:DD
vvvvvvvvv Sailor Moon!!! vvvvvvvvvv
Saturday, July 23, 2011
This is why I hate coming back home.
I don't get it. I always hate coming to PA. I can't stand being around my family, and I don't really know why. We're going on vacation tomorrow and now my dad is just telling me to leave if I don't want to be here. Maybe I should.
What good is this place to me anyway?
I always act different when I'm here.
I always act the way I hate.
I don't even do it intentionally. It's just do the things I would normally do if I was in Albany or anywhere else. He tells me to get off the computer, because I'm always in front of it. Well, yeah. When I'm in Albany I'm always on my computer, and even when I was in the city, as soon as we got back to my friend's house I went back on the computer. It's just something I do everyday. If there's anything else for me to do here it's to play DDR or take my dog for a walk (which I want to do today). I did the same thing in Albany>>computer, work, DDR, cook. Yeah. I can't even cook here.
I'm not going to just leave.
That would be super rude of me.
Now all I do is argue with my dad now too. I don't even know what happened to our relationship. He gets upset with whatever I do.
I've realized that, I just do better living by myself. I mean, I love living with my roommates of course! I have a lot of fun with them and it's great. But when it comes to my family, everything just becomes awkward, and everything turns into a mess. I don't know where it screwed up. Every time things like this happen, I always wonder back to 'why'? Where did everything go wrong? Why is our family relationship like this so much? Maybe I'm the one at fault for not trying hard enough to just work with this situation. But it feels so lost. I really can't look at my mom in the face for more than a minute. I can't look at my aunt in the face for less than that. I never want to do anything with my dad because I've come to realize I just can't share the same interests with him like he once thought we could. I'm forcing smiles around almost everyone around me. Nothing is natural here. I don't like it. If I had to spend another entire summer here again I'd go crazy.
There's nothing for me to even do here too.
If I go crazy at the apartment all I have to do is ride the bus and go somewhere. I'm stuck here. I can only go for a walk in an area that is no less different. Because I'm still in Pennsylvania.
I don't know why I always make myself look proud to be Pennsylvanian. I joke around to everyone how the way we talk is cooler, and how we have cool places and etc. But even as I say all of that.... I know I'm lying. I say it just to have a funny argument with my friends. You know, to lighten up the atmosphere and have fun and joke around. Everyone makes fun of me, but I know they aren't seriously making fun of me. I like to be that different and strange one in the group. And I'm known to be the fun one because I make everything so random and enjoyable. Then I come here....
.....and that monotone voice really comes through.
I don't belong here. I hate it here.
Everything that I've been through is here. Everything I want nothing to do with is here.
I won't come back.
Once I graduate I won't come back. I don't want to live or work in Pennsylvania ever again.
I don't want to get close to here again. I turn into a bad person. Because that's all I feel like I am here.
What good is this place to me anyway?
I always act different when I'm here.
I always act the way I hate.
I don't even do it intentionally. It's just do the things I would normally do if I was in Albany or anywhere else. He tells me to get off the computer, because I'm always in front of it. Well, yeah. When I'm in Albany I'm always on my computer, and even when I was in the city, as soon as we got back to my friend's house I went back on the computer. It's just something I do everyday. If there's anything else for me to do here it's to play DDR or take my dog for a walk (which I want to do today). I did the same thing in Albany>>computer, work, DDR, cook. Yeah. I can't even cook here.
I'm not going to just leave.
That would be super rude of me.
Now all I do is argue with my dad now too. I don't even know what happened to our relationship. He gets upset with whatever I do.
I've realized that, I just do better living by myself. I mean, I love living with my roommates of course! I have a lot of fun with them and it's great. But when it comes to my family, everything just becomes awkward, and everything turns into a mess. I don't know where it screwed up. Every time things like this happen, I always wonder back to 'why'? Where did everything go wrong? Why is our family relationship like this so much? Maybe I'm the one at fault for not trying hard enough to just work with this situation. But it feels so lost. I really can't look at my mom in the face for more than a minute. I can't look at my aunt in the face for less than that. I never want to do anything with my dad because I've come to realize I just can't share the same interests with him like he once thought we could. I'm forcing smiles around almost everyone around me. Nothing is natural here. I don't like it. If I had to spend another entire summer here again I'd go crazy.
There's nothing for me to even do here too.
If I go crazy at the apartment all I have to do is ride the bus and go somewhere. I'm stuck here. I can only go for a walk in an area that is no less different. Because I'm still in Pennsylvania.
I don't know why I always make myself look proud to be Pennsylvanian. I joke around to everyone how the way we talk is cooler, and how we have cool places and etc. But even as I say all of that.... I know I'm lying. I say it just to have a funny argument with my friends. You know, to lighten up the atmosphere and have fun and joke around. Everyone makes fun of me, but I know they aren't seriously making fun of me. I like to be that different and strange one in the group. And I'm known to be the fun one because I make everything so random and enjoyable. Then I come here....
.....and that monotone voice really comes through.
I don't belong here. I hate it here.
Everything that I've been through is here. Everything I want nothing to do with is here.
I won't come back.
Once I graduate I won't come back. I don't want to live or work in Pennsylvania ever again.
I don't want to get close to here again. I turn into a bad person. Because that's all I feel like I am here.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Flushing is my home
I decided to take a trip to NYC before heading on my way to Pennsylvania. I stayed at a friend's place who surprisingly lives in Bayside, a legit 5 minute bus ride away from Flushing. I was... absolutely beyond happy. Ever since I first went to Flushing last year, I fell in love with the place. Sure, at that time I was in love with anything Korean and when I saw all the signs and billboards I was just ecstatic and took pictures of every random thing in my path. But it's an Asian area that isn't Chinatown and it has that mixture of both Korean life and Chinese life.
I really love Flushing and I really wish I could stay there the entire summer or even live there. There's so much to try, so many new foods, bakeries, ASIAN MEN~
Flushing is just like, my real home.
I went to the all you can eat Korean BBQ that I first went to with Wien. I went with five other friends, well, the one girl I just met that day. I over-ate too much rice and made this sauce that tasted amazing with the grilled squid and meat. But this one meat there was really amazing :)
And as always I got myself bubble tea, because I'm so Asian lol
Taro flavor this time ♥ And it was sooo yummyy
Day two involved eating at a Vietnamese restaurant in Flushing. I got Chicken Curry Stew and the flavor of the broth was just so fantastic, I can't even begin to tell you. See, that's what I mean. There's just so much new things and such a variety of culture and food and.... I missed it. A lot.
That night I made plans to meet with Wien's family. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea at all. I mean, I really wanted to see them again, I really like them. But the last thing I wanted to do was upset him. I mean after everything that has happened, I'm still clingy and wanting him but, I didn't want there to be the idea of being desperate. The entire time before the time of meeting them I was getting so nervous. I just didn't know if I was doing something good or bad and if I should have regretted letting his mom know I was in NYC. But then, I still wanted to make sure she was feeling alright too.
I didn't know what to wear. I just wanted to impress them and I think I really did accomplish that. I wore the dress that I bought, and had my hair up again and it looked really cool with my large hoop earrings and sunglasses. I kept telling myself that I looked like a ROCKSTAR when I looked at myself in the mirror. I think I did good, and when his aunt and brother took me to the Cantonese restaurant where I met up with his mom and cousin, the look on her face made me really happy and embarrassed. I knew I did good, I knew I looked really good! His mom still looked amazing as every too! I was stunned AGAIN by how young she looks for her age.
And I was really surprised at how not ackward it ended up being. I enjoyed myself a whole lot and the food was really good too. They were really kind, and his cousin looked soo much more attractive than I last remembered haha. Everything felt just like normal hearing them talk their Cantonese, talking to me in English every-so-often and it felt completely normal. And hearing all that constant Cantonese again made me realize something important.
It's not just because of him anymore.
It was the help of everyone that I made this decision to go to Hong Kong.
It was hard to just put into words in my head at that time. I clearly understood nothing unless his brother translated it for me, but I still smiled as they laughed and it felt like I was studying abroad again. The Cantonese language sounds so cool, and I really like how a lot of the sentences end with a "aaaaa" type sound. I kinda caught onto that as that spoke at the table and then completely understood when I was at their house and we played Mario Party. Willard kept saying sentences like "B-aaa" or "battery-aaa" and I mentally translated that as "the" or "it is". Kinda like the "だ/です" in Japanese.
After we ate I felt a lot more comfortable walking back to the car. Willard kept talking to me about anime and it wasn't any kind of weird feeling. I don't really remember talking to him too much in the past but it felt like we did. And then before taking me home they offered me to come and play games back at their house. I thought maybe it would be going to far to say okay, I mean, going back inside was really pushing it in my eyes. So I just said I didn't want anyone to feel like I'm imposing myself or anything and they it was fine. So, there I went.
I waited in the living room and I saw these three paintings that Willard did. He's really talented, it's incredible. One plays guitar and piano, the other is a master at art. Jealousss
But we played Mario Party with everyone except his mom. I had a lot of fun and I started screaming at the TV as I normally do. I didn't regret it at all. I stopped thinking about that constant wonder if it was a good or bad idea. I was so happy I made plans to meet up. I enjoyed everyone's company again.
And then I had to say goodbye.
I'll admit, I wish he could have been there so I could have teased him when I kicked his ass or something, to be lead back into his basement and fall asleep on that folding couch, and all I know is that it could have been a stupid move to even go through with this. But I had a lot of fun, and I'm really really glad I was able to see them again.
My last day in Flushing was me and my friend going for Dim Sum. And then I went to the Chinese bakery next door where I proceeded to buy $7 worth of bread and then I forgot it at my friend's house before leaving to Port Authority.
I had a lot of fun and I'm now proud to say that I can successfully get from Port Authority to Flushing my train ALL BY MYSELF :)
And then be able to ride the 12 or 13 bus in Flushing to any stop on those paths BY MYSELF :)
I'm going back to Flushing August 1st and 2nd.
I know it's impossible to see the family again, just because that would be really strange to ask so but...
I had a great time those three days. I only hope the next two days I spend in Flushing again in two weeks can be even better :) I'm hoping so
And I'm not really Asian no matter how much I say it, but, I'm glad I'm in love with the culture and I'm glad I want to believe it in the inside. Because nothing is beating this feeling ♥
I really love Flushing and I really wish I could stay there the entire summer or even live there. There's so much to try, so many new foods, bakeries, ASIAN MEN~
Flushing is just like, my real home.
I went to the all you can eat Korean BBQ that I first went to with Wien. I went with five other friends, well, the one girl I just met that day. I over-ate too much rice and made this sauce that tasted amazing with the grilled squid and meat. But this one meat there was really amazing :)
And as always I got myself bubble tea, because I'm so Asian lol
Taro flavor this time ♥ And it was sooo yummyy
Day two involved eating at a Vietnamese restaurant in Flushing. I got Chicken Curry Stew and the flavor of the broth was just so fantastic, I can't even begin to tell you. See, that's what I mean. There's just so much new things and such a variety of culture and food and.... I missed it. A lot.
That night I made plans to meet with Wien's family. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea at all. I mean, I really wanted to see them again, I really like them. But the last thing I wanted to do was upset him. I mean after everything that has happened, I'm still clingy and wanting him but, I didn't want there to be the idea of being desperate. The entire time before the time of meeting them I was getting so nervous. I just didn't know if I was doing something good or bad and if I should have regretted letting his mom know I was in NYC. But then, I still wanted to make sure she was feeling alright too.
I didn't know what to wear. I just wanted to impress them and I think I really did accomplish that. I wore the dress that I bought, and had my hair up again and it looked really cool with my large hoop earrings and sunglasses. I kept telling myself that I looked like a ROCKSTAR when I looked at myself in the mirror. I think I did good, and when his aunt and brother took me to the Cantonese restaurant where I met up with his mom and cousin, the look on her face made me really happy and embarrassed. I knew I did good, I knew I looked really good! His mom still looked amazing as every too! I was stunned AGAIN by how young she looks for her age.
And I was really surprised at how not ackward it ended up being. I enjoyed myself a whole lot and the food was really good too. They were really kind, and his cousin looked soo much more attractive than I last remembered haha. Everything felt just like normal hearing them talk their Cantonese, talking to me in English every-so-often and it felt completely normal. And hearing all that constant Cantonese again made me realize something important.
It's not just because of him anymore.
It was the help of everyone that I made this decision to go to Hong Kong.
It was hard to just put into words in my head at that time. I clearly understood nothing unless his brother translated it for me, but I still smiled as they laughed and it felt like I was studying abroad again. The Cantonese language sounds so cool, and I really like how a lot of the sentences end with a "aaaaa" type sound. I kinda caught onto that as that spoke at the table and then completely understood when I was at their house and we played Mario Party. Willard kept saying sentences like "B-aaa" or "battery-aaa" and I mentally translated that as "the" or "it is". Kinda like the "だ/です" in Japanese.
After we ate I felt a lot more comfortable walking back to the car. Willard kept talking to me about anime and it wasn't any kind of weird feeling. I don't really remember talking to him too much in the past but it felt like we did. And then before taking me home they offered me to come and play games back at their house. I thought maybe it would be going to far to say okay, I mean, going back inside was really pushing it in my eyes. So I just said I didn't want anyone to feel like I'm imposing myself or anything and they it was fine. So, there I went.
I waited in the living room and I saw these three paintings that Willard did. He's really talented, it's incredible. One plays guitar and piano, the other is a master at art. Jealousss
But we played Mario Party with everyone except his mom. I had a lot of fun and I started screaming at the TV as I normally do. I didn't regret it at all. I stopped thinking about that constant wonder if it was a good or bad idea. I was so happy I made plans to meet up. I enjoyed everyone's company again.
And then I had to say goodbye.
I'll admit, I wish he could have been there so I could have teased him when I kicked his ass or something, to be lead back into his basement and fall asleep on that folding couch, and all I know is that it could have been a stupid move to even go through with this. But I had a lot of fun, and I'm really really glad I was able to see them again.
My last day in Flushing was me and my friend going for Dim Sum. And then I went to the Chinese bakery next door where I proceeded to buy $7 worth of bread and then I forgot it at my friend's house before leaving to Port Authority.
I had a lot of fun and I'm now proud to say that I can successfully get from Port Authority to Flushing my train ALL BY MYSELF :)
And then be able to ride the 12 or 13 bus in Flushing to any stop on those paths BY MYSELF :)
I'm going back to Flushing August 1st and 2nd.
I know it's impossible to see the family again, just because that would be really strange to ask so but...
I had a great time those three days. I only hope the next two days I spend in Flushing again in two weeks can be even better :) I'm hoping so
And I'm not really Asian no matter how much I say it, but, I'm glad I'm in love with the culture and I'm glad I want to believe it in the inside. Because nothing is beating this feeling ♥
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Stepping stones of Confidence don't always bring you a Happy Ending
Throughout the year I've been posting random blogs on a Japanese site. As I read back on them, I'm not so sure how I feel about them. As I flip the pages back in a journal from the past few months, I don't know how I feel about those entries.
I look toward another journal I kept as a kid.
I carry it everywhere (as in when I move to new places for a long time) just to remind me of the kind of person I used to be in high school. High school... a time of low self-esteem and random days of constant depression. The things I worried about then are almost completely behind me, sure I still worry about it but, clearly not in the way I used to. As we all know my mind is pretty locked on one object only anyway.
Confidence.
I was thinking back on it while I had a conversation with my friend last night. He said something to me... and I completely disagreed with him. Did I want to? Actually.... I didn't want to disagree with him at all. If I agreed with him, I would have been over confident. Or to be blind and make myself seem like the greatest thing in the world. I told him, "you're wrong. I really am a bitch. I've screwed up so much."
Yesterday I went to Great Escape with him and his other friend. I didn't know where the confidence suddenly came from. I felt good just stripping down to my bikini and walking around the water park area just as. Maybe I've lost that considerable amount of weight that I'm not afraid to show a stomach. Maybe I've toned down my thighs a bit so they're not as big. I just felt super confident about myself. But from where?
I started wearing my hair a different way.
I pull my bangs back and pin them up.
It looks really cute on me, and recently I've been getting a lot of compliments.
I'm even buying clothes I never thought I'd ever buy myself to wear, such as dresses and skirts.
And I gained a new hobby.
All of a sudden I just love cooking! I love experimenting on random foods with veggies and tofu or with real recipes. It's soo much fun! I want to cook for others too!
When you say confidence, isn't the way I'm taking it probably in the worst way?
Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself, it's more than going out and being able to gain attention. Confidence has to be within yourself. Be happy with yourself from the inside. Little things can begin to bring out that shine of confidence, but it can only satisfy you for so long. Lets just say it this way... the times I get complimented or when I'm told something that makes me happy, I am really happy at that point. Like, reallyyyy happy. But then I get that time alone, and I realize, this confidence isn't satisfying at all. Of course, there's always the missing piece.
To no matter what it is, there's always something missing. For everyone.
Every time I take steps of confidence here,
the more I realize it's worth nothing without that missing piece.
Well, at the least, I do feel comfortable about myself and my personality.
I told him last night I've screwed up many times, but I know I wouldn't anymore.
I just need a chance to fill up that missing piece to complete my confidence.
I look toward another journal I kept as a kid.
I carry it everywhere (as in when I move to new places for a long time) just to remind me of the kind of person I used to be in high school. High school... a time of low self-esteem and random days of constant depression. The things I worried about then are almost completely behind me, sure I still worry about it but, clearly not in the way I used to. As we all know my mind is pretty locked on one object only anyway.
Confidence.
I was thinking back on it while I had a conversation with my friend last night. He said something to me... and I completely disagreed with him. Did I want to? Actually.... I didn't want to disagree with him at all. If I agreed with him, I would have been over confident. Or to be blind and make myself seem like the greatest thing in the world. I told him, "you're wrong. I really am a bitch. I've screwed up so much."
Yesterday I went to Great Escape with him and his other friend. I didn't know where the confidence suddenly came from. I felt good just stripping down to my bikini and walking around the water park area just as. Maybe I've lost that considerable amount of weight that I'm not afraid to show a stomach. Maybe I've toned down my thighs a bit so they're not as big. I just felt super confident about myself. But from where?
I started wearing my hair a different way.
I pull my bangs back and pin them up.
It looks really cute on me, and recently I've been getting a lot of compliments.
I'm even buying clothes I never thought I'd ever buy myself to wear, such as dresses and skirts.
And I gained a new hobby.
All of a sudden I just love cooking! I love experimenting on random foods with veggies and tofu or with real recipes. It's soo much fun! I want to cook for others too!
When you say confidence, isn't the way I'm taking it probably in the worst way?
Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself, it's more than going out and being able to gain attention. Confidence has to be within yourself. Be happy with yourself from the inside. Little things can begin to bring out that shine of confidence, but it can only satisfy you for so long. Lets just say it this way... the times I get complimented or when I'm told something that makes me happy, I am really happy at that point. Like, reallyyyy happy. But then I get that time alone, and I realize, this confidence isn't satisfying at all. Of course, there's always the missing piece.
To no matter what it is, there's always something missing. For everyone.
Every time I take steps of confidence here,
the more I realize it's worth nothing without that missing piece.
Well, at the least, I do feel comfortable about myself and my personality.
I told him last night I've screwed up many times, but I know I wouldn't anymore.
I just need a chance to fill up that missing piece to complete my confidence.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Another love song about you, that's probably going to fall short of reaching you
I've been watching all my old animes again.
Not just Sailor Moon, I started watching the Higurashi no Naku koro Ni series over, Chrono Crusade, Demashita Powerpuff Girls Z, etc. I've been watching them in raw format too which makes it a little more interesting and helps me to practice my listening. I feel like I'm turning back into that high school girl I once was.
....but when I say that....
I get really upset and scared.
Me in high school.... I hated myself a lot. Because of how I was.
Maybe I've gained enough confidence about myself throughout these past two years but it doesn't change how scared I feel about becoming that girl again. I was a really sad person, relied on anime to bring my hopes up and make me happy, and fantasizing.... too much. Fantasizing something that couldn't be really for me, and then when it did, I lost it. It makes me upset to think I've ever pretended to have something. But I've been doing that for awhile now anyway it seems.
But in any case I'm still watching some of my old shows, praying that I don't become that addict I once was.
I've also became sickly obsessed with a certain fanfiction from an autor who releases a new chapter every Saturday morning. I look forward to it all the time, and it brightens my day. It's pretty sad actually hahaa.... it's a Sailor Moon fanfiction, but Minako (Sailor Venus) was always my favorite and this author writes her life and all the other Sailor Senshi's lives when they're older and in their 20s. But the way he writes Minako's life is just how I always imagined her to be. Perverted in a way still obsessed with finding love. But what I found even better about this author's writing is that he follows how in the manga Minako was told she will never find love by this guy who lusted for her. And now in this story, she's in her second marriage and because that guy who she lusted for and he did same came back into her life, he ruins EVERYTHING and she's stuck alone again. Her marrage now though is SO perfect but I know because of this other guy AGAIN (his name is Ace) her life becomes turmoil and love fails again because she couldn't stop herself from having sex with Ace. But no one wants to read me rave about this amazing fanfiction so I'll stop there.
I'm working a third job.
Because....
I don't know what else to do with myself.
It's like I'd rather overwork myself instead of leave my thoughts to wander.
I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore.
My thoughts tend to wander away anyway.
I care about him a lot, and I just wish I could show him that I could make him happy like before every time he was with me. I'm not sure how to do it though, if I can't spend the time with him.
I'd write him a love song, but I'm not very good at music.
All I could ever do was draw.
These recent days seem harder and harder, and the strain seems more apparent. But like I wrote in my last blog, I won't give up, I can't.
I care too much about him, I want to love him. I want to show him that I do too.
I know I've screwed up.
I know I've become annoying.
But knowing all of this just makes me want to work harder.
It may seem like it's just another thing but, I've honestly learned a lot through this past year without him. I've learned how much he means to me and to what extent I'd go to to keep him here in my arms. It sounds stupid. But I'm 100% positive that I'm a better girlfriend than I was before. I know where I went wrong. And I'm willing to re-write all my previous steps to glue up all the broken pieces.
I just need him to believe in me.
I'm going to keep fighting.
I'll keep fighting, and hopefully soon I'll reach that point where I can truly prove myself.
I'm a stupid girl, for someone everyone tells me to forget about.
But I want to do something right in my life. And I know this is it.
Not just Sailor Moon, I started watching the Higurashi no Naku koro Ni series over, Chrono Crusade, Demashita Powerpuff Girls Z, etc. I've been watching them in raw format too which makes it a little more interesting and helps me to practice my listening. I feel like I'm turning back into that high school girl I once was.
....but when I say that....
I get really upset and scared.
Me in high school.... I hated myself a lot. Because of how I was.
Maybe I've gained enough confidence about myself throughout these past two years but it doesn't change how scared I feel about becoming that girl again. I was a really sad person, relied on anime to bring my hopes up and make me happy, and fantasizing.... too much. Fantasizing something that couldn't be really for me, and then when it did, I lost it. It makes me upset to think I've ever pretended to have something. But I've been doing that for awhile now anyway it seems.
But in any case I'm still watching some of my old shows, praying that I don't become that addict I once was.
I've also became sickly obsessed with a certain fanfiction from an autor who releases a new chapter every Saturday morning. I look forward to it all the time, and it brightens my day. It's pretty sad actually hahaa.... it's a Sailor Moon fanfiction, but Minako (Sailor Venus) was always my favorite and this author writes her life and all the other Sailor Senshi's lives when they're older and in their 20s. But the way he writes Minako's life is just how I always imagined her to be. Perverted in a way still obsessed with finding love. But what I found even better about this author's writing is that he follows how in the manga Minako was told she will never find love by this guy who lusted for her. And now in this story, she's in her second marriage and because that guy who she lusted for and he did same came back into her life, he ruins EVERYTHING and she's stuck alone again. Her marrage now though is SO perfect but I know because of this other guy AGAIN (his name is Ace) her life becomes turmoil and love fails again because she couldn't stop herself from having sex with Ace. But no one wants to read me rave about this amazing fanfiction so I'll stop there.
I'm working a third job.
Because....
I don't know what else to do with myself.
It's like I'd rather overwork myself instead of leave my thoughts to wander.
I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore.
My thoughts tend to wander away anyway.
I care about him a lot, and I just wish I could show him that I could make him happy like before every time he was with me. I'm not sure how to do it though, if I can't spend the time with him.
I'd write him a love song, but I'm not very good at music.
All I could ever do was draw.
These recent days seem harder and harder, and the strain seems more apparent. But like I wrote in my last blog, I won't give up, I can't.
I care too much about him, I want to love him. I want to show him that I do too.
I know I've screwed up.
I know I've become annoying.
But knowing all of this just makes me want to work harder.
It may seem like it's just another thing but, I've honestly learned a lot through this past year without him. I've learned how much he means to me and to what extent I'd go to to keep him here in my arms. It sounds stupid. But I'm 100% positive that I'm a better girlfriend than I was before. I know where I went wrong. And I'm willing to re-write all my previous steps to glue up all the broken pieces.
I just need him to believe in me.
I'm going to keep fighting.
I'll keep fighting, and hopefully soon I'll reach that point where I can truly prove myself.
I'm a stupid girl, for someone everyone tells me to forget about.
But I want to do something right in my life. And I know this is it.
Monday, July 4, 2011
determining. reading. finalizing. syncing.
It's simple to say one can never forget.
It's harder to say you want to forget.
Where am I supposed to stop? Or better yet, when should I?
Randomly a friend messaged me.
I really... respected him.
He didn't have to tell me anything, but what he told me just really surprised me.
And I respected him as a guy, but the girl is being foolish.
But she's scared too.
At least it seems like that.
But he's trying really hard. And she's blind for it.
So for both of us,
when does that happen? The point of release.
The point of knowing,
everything seems pointless.
Another guy.
Last night.
Hardly know him, only met him once, and he started saying weird, uncomfortable terms with me.
"Hey gorgeous", "you're cute but strange lol" ???? wtf.
Makes me wonder if someone is trying to slap me in the face.
It is nice to be called cute once in a while though, whether it's just for my actions or appearance....
I gave myself into it.
I said what I wanted to say.
I said what I had to say.
But like me and the first guy,
how do you just stop something you've put everything in to?
Then I thought about others who are similar like me.
hope.
It drives a person.
It comes in foolish colors.
It makes them not think straight.
It's what feeds me now.
I absorb it just as much as a plant absorbs sunlight to survive.
Does it make sense when I say,
I'm afraid to give up
but I'm not afraid to lose?
because I think it's the best way to put it.
Giving up, it's just as worse.
If I really do give up, all I'll keeping wondering is what could have happened if I didn't.
I'll live off of that "IF" scenario. I hate wondering 'what if'.
why can't I try hard? why can't I do my best and do what I can?
don't freaking... criticize me.
it's just something, I feel like I have to do.
I want to be a little selfish here.
I want to be selfish right now.
I think I'm just full of a lot of different ideas right now.
Had to say it to someone somehow. I apologize, it's just,
I'm not very good talking to people about emotions.
no wrong intended.
It's harder to say you want to forget.
Where am I supposed to stop? Or better yet, when should I?
Randomly a friend messaged me.
I really... respected him.
He didn't have to tell me anything, but what he told me just really surprised me.
And I respected him as a guy, but the girl is being foolish.
But she's scared too.
At least it seems like that.
But he's trying really hard. And she's blind for it.
So for both of us,
when does that happen? The point of release.
The point of knowing,
everything seems pointless.
Another guy.
Last night.
Hardly know him, only met him once, and he started saying weird, uncomfortable terms with me.
"Hey gorgeous", "you're cute but strange lol" ???? wtf.
Makes me wonder if someone is trying to slap me in the face.
It is nice to be called cute once in a while though, whether it's just for my actions or appearance....
I gave myself into it.
I said what I wanted to say.
I said what I had to say.
But like me and the first guy,
how do you just stop something you've put everything in to?
Then I thought about others who are similar like me.
hope.
It drives a person.
It comes in foolish colors.
It makes them not think straight.
It's what feeds me now.
I absorb it just as much as a plant absorbs sunlight to survive.
Does it make sense when I say,
I'm afraid to give up
but I'm not afraid to lose?
because I think it's the best way to put it.
Giving up, it's just as worse.
If I really do give up, all I'll keeping wondering is what could have happened if I didn't.
I'll live off of that "IF" scenario. I hate wondering 'what if'.
why can't I try hard? why can't I do my best and do what I can?
don't freaking... criticize me.
it's just something, I feel like I have to do.
I want to be a little selfish here.
I want to be selfish right now.
I think I'm just full of a lot of different ideas right now.
Had to say it to someone somehow. I apologize, it's just,
I'm not very good talking to people about emotions.
no wrong intended.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Converging muscle cramps only begin when you kill time in a similar fashion
It started by chance when I thought I'd give that supposed "cat-clawed" broken DDR mat a try for no apparent reason.
What ever the reason may have been, I'm glad I did.
When I plugged in the mat to the PS2 and inserted the disk, and stepped on the mat and played 3 songs... my heart was racing so fast I was breathing really hard from just, well, excitement.
I realize that when I say I am "in love" with DDR, people don't seem to understand how serious that is. It's very serious. And it's not like it just some fun game I love to play all the time, I legit am obsessed with this game.
I'm not exactly sure why, I mean if I get anywhere close to playing games it has to be either Kingdom Hearts or DDR. I play DS games from time to time but nothing ever keeps a hold on me, and so I've faded away from loving games like I used to. I think cause maybe I really like to move with games. I like to have to follow the steps and such and be able to interact like that. Maybe it's the catchy dance music too? Or maybe it's because I know I'm exercising and burning calories.
All I know is that I'm addicted. I'm obsessed.
DDR to me is like someone's idea of alcohol. Or heroin. Even when it comes to a good time, instead of drinking I'd be that weirdo to suggest a DDR party instead. I played DDR for three and a half hours today and drank so much water that when I shake my body I can feel and hear it swishing inside me. My clothes were drenched with sweat. And now here I am writing a blog after a nice refreshing shower... at two in the morning. I'm not even tired strangely enough.
I bought four DDR games at GameStop within these past two days. I now own all PS2 DDR games except for one which I will constantly be searching for.
I'm losing a lot of weight with DDR. I'm getting even more exercise than I was before now which is even better. It feels like high school summer all over again. I went and volunteered at the YMCA, came home, ate, then played DDR for hours until my mom came home (she always complained that she heard me stomping from downstairs so I always had to stop when she got home). DDR was my birthday present that year, it was all I wanted as an initiative to lose weight that summer before I went to Japan. And then somewhere along the way I got addicted. It keeps me from thinking about other things too.
When I'm upset or depressed all I have to do is play DDR.
When I'm thinking too much about something all I have to do is play DDR.
When I'm hungry all I have to do is play DDR and I'll stop thinking about eating food because I'll get sucked into the game.
DDR is like that little bit of happy magic in my life, and it helps on the road to being healthy. Not to mention I started eating healthy AND eating much smaller portions. I looked at my supper today and kinda frowned. I wanted to eat more lol. But then I went to DDR and forgot all about hunger lol. After taking a short nap of course ;)
When I get married and have a house of my own, I'm going to be that wife who has a basement for games and possibly a DDR arcade system hahaaa or at least whatever PlayStation that is out at that time and a PS2 for my DDR days. I love it, I really do.
I will be losing weight sooner than expected :)
Now that DDR has come back into my life, I'm going to be a happier, healthier person.
It always makes me feel good afterwards, and during game play.
Yayyy lol
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Dear Ed, I dedicate this post to you darling
Ed.
Wonderful, Ed.
This guy is unbelievable, and has the wrong idea or is just trying awfully way too hard. He is spoiling me.
Dear Ed, did you know you are all the talk in this apartment?
After the text message I received from you today, I felt like the people around me, other than my two roommates, deserve to hear your story. Why should me and two others alone have all the joys and laughs of what you say? To be honest, I'm kinda glad we had a random meeting by the fountain, and then the other awkward chance meeting at the Campus Center. Every new text I receive I must try to contain my laughter.
This is the text I received this morning:
Ahh, darling Ed. How you know how to spoil a girl.
But at the same time you know how to make her laugh so hard and think you are a creep.
However, you have won the love from my fellow roommates. You really are, the talk of 663's second floor apartment. They always ask me everyday, "Any new texts from Ed today?"
The story of meeting Ed comes in two parts, I first met him as I waited outside the fountain and he walked over and asked to have a conversation with me. Then he proceeded to take my number.
The second time involves me sitting in a deserted area in the Campus Center on campus and he just appeared out of nowhere. During this second meeting, he asked me:
"Have we met before?"
Me looking at him like he's kidding then got confused. "Yes, I think we did."
"Samantha?"
"No, I'm Natasha."
"Oh oh, I'm so sorry! It's just I couldn't recognize you at all. You looked different that day."
Feeling awkward already, "haha Yeah, I'm kinda having a bad hair day today."
"No, no, I think you look really good today! It's just for some reason I could have sworn you had freckles last time I saw you."
....WTF? "haha No, I don't have freckles...."
"Oh... then maybe it just might have been how you looked in the sunlight."
Oh Ed, how you amuse us so.
Here's a toast to you, Ed.
For your annoying text messages,
For you awkward presence,
For your more than corny words,
For the laughs I have with friends,
For the sudden appearances,
And more than weird conversations.
Ed, please leave me alone :)
Wonderful, Ed.
This guy is unbelievable, and has the wrong idea or is just trying awfully way too hard. He is spoiling me.
Dear Ed, did you know you are all the talk in this apartment?
After the text message I received from you today, I felt like the people around me, other than my two roommates, deserve to hear your story. Why should me and two others alone have all the joys and laughs of what you say? To be honest, I'm kinda glad we had a random meeting by the fountain, and then the other awkward chance meeting at the Campus Center. Every new text I receive I must try to contain my laughter.
This is the text I received this morning:
"Hey, it was nice to see you the other day. I couldn't believe how good you looked. I remembered you as being around average in outer beauty, but yesterday you were gorgeous. I could barely recognize you. Its what's in the inside that matters to me, so it doesn't matter so much if you are gorgeous or average looking so much as whether you care or not but still, it was a pleasant surprise. I really hope I can get to know you, I really want to know whether your outer beauty has any correlation with inner beauty"
Ahh, darling Ed. How you know how to spoil a girl.
But at the same time you know how to make her laugh so hard and think you are a creep.
However, you have won the love from my fellow roommates. You really are, the talk of 663's second floor apartment. They always ask me everyday, "Any new texts from Ed today?"
The story of meeting Ed comes in two parts, I first met him as I waited outside the fountain and he walked over and asked to have a conversation with me. Then he proceeded to take my number.
The second time involves me sitting in a deserted area in the Campus Center on campus and he just appeared out of nowhere. During this second meeting, he asked me:
"Have we met before?"
Me looking at him like he's kidding then got confused. "Yes, I think we did."
"Samantha?"
"No, I'm Natasha."
"Oh oh, I'm so sorry! It's just I couldn't recognize you at all. You looked different that day."
Feeling awkward already, "haha Yeah, I'm kinda having a bad hair day today."
"No, no, I think you look really good today! It's just for some reason I could have sworn you had freckles last time I saw you."
....WTF? "haha No, I don't have freckles...."
"Oh... then maybe it just might have been how you looked in the sunlight."
Oh Ed, how you amuse us so.
Here's a toast to you, Ed.
For your annoying text messages,
For you awkward presence,
For your more than corny words,
For the laughs I have with friends,
For the sudden appearances,
And more than weird conversations.
Ed, please leave me alone :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
Taking it back a notch, I've seen that same little girl waving in the mirror
It's been a month since I've been on Blogger. Partly due to.... I'm sure I have an excuse but I can't remember what was going on with myself around that time.
But then due to an unfortunate event, my laptop crashed, all my data lost, and I had to get a new one. Good thing: I love my new computer so so much♥ Bad thing: All my videos and pictures that I took while I was in Japan are now lost and gone for good. My hard drive crashed and according to Best Buy's Geek Squad, my hard drive is in such broken condition it's impossible to start it running again without sending it to some professionals with the price tag of around $800. I bought my new computer and all its extras for less than that price.
It's really unfortunate, and I'm extremely upset and sad about it but... it happened. I can't keep breaking down about something like this.
Nothing excited happens in my life.
One annoying little guy getting involved in my life but I noticed his facebook status was about me. And he clearly wanted me to see seeing as he had the word "she" in caps. Yeah, told ya pal, NOT INTERESTED.
It's what happens when you make one little mistake and mess around with a guy you know likes you. I do blame it completely on myself. For one it was thoughtless and cruel to have him believe I wanted something. Kinda makes me think of myself, and how I'm probably thinking like him right now. It hurts. A lot. I used him because I was depressed, and I'm not going to do it again to anyone. It just bothers me that I clearly told him I didn't want anything more than to just continue being a friend... I made a mistake, and I feel terrible about it. But I'm sorry, I can't change my decision about what happened that night, and I made it clear it was just a stupid decision. But please... it's not like we had some connection for a long time... you shouldn't need to get so, so uptight about it.
I don't really like what has started to happen.
At first I was all happy, and well, now I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to think about what other guys think about me anymore or having to worry about trying to keep the friendship. Then because of how kind I am to them, most tend to get the wrong idea. Sure, maybe I like attention, but I don't want to be a possible candidate in their love life. I only have my eyes set on one guy. It's stupid yet... but I'm still saying it, aren't I?
And today I went grocery shopping, AGAIN. I feel like I do this every week for no apparent reason. But today was different. I'm on a diet again, and I realized I have to plan on what I'm going to cook a day ahead of time to avoid overeating. I tend to make ramen when I get home then realize I'm in the mood for something else and then eat that. Overeating right?
I haven't been paying attention to my weight again and when I stepped on the scale I was horrified. I wasn't looking like it (at least I didn't really notice) that I was getting fatter but the scale doesn't lie. I'm not HUGE, don't get that wrong of an idea...
That was step one of the plan.
Step two involves what I eat.
I've decided from today on, June 24 2011, that I will become a pescatarian. At Price Chopper today I bought a lot of veggies and apples. I need to start eating healthier while eating things that have such low calorie intakes. If I do this while planning out my meals and exactly how much to eat I think I can lose this weight. Another unfortunate event, due to work and lack of sleep I can't really work out like I planned to since day one. About two-three days a week though I do walk, I just don't really know the distance. I walk a pretty good amount everyday anyway, so if I keep watch on my calories and fat, then try to walk more often or at the least do leg exercises in my room (thigh exercises to be exact) I should be able to do something about this issue.
I even curled my hair the other day in an attempt to look different. I thought I looked great, and so summer-y, but there's still those things I can't change about myself. Complexion, noticeable eye size difference, etc... it's kinda depressing when I look at it that way, trying to look pretty and noticing you can't change that much...
Just have to keep trying and find what best works for yourself.
And not to get worked up about all the little details.
There's lots of things I wish I could change about my face in general,
But maybe it can be turned into that unique trait that one special guy can joke and smile about with you.
But then due to an unfortunate event, my laptop crashed, all my data lost, and I had to get a new one. Good thing: I love my new computer so so much♥ Bad thing: All my videos and pictures that I took while I was in Japan are now lost and gone for good. My hard drive crashed and according to Best Buy's Geek Squad, my hard drive is in such broken condition it's impossible to start it running again without sending it to some professionals with the price tag of around $800. I bought my new computer and all its extras for less than that price.
It's really unfortunate, and I'm extremely upset and sad about it but... it happened. I can't keep breaking down about something like this.
Nothing excited happens in my life.
One annoying little guy getting involved in my life but I noticed his facebook status was about me. And he clearly wanted me to see seeing as he had the word "she" in caps. Yeah, told ya pal, NOT INTERESTED.
It's what happens when you make one little mistake and mess around with a guy you know likes you. I do blame it completely on myself. For one it was thoughtless and cruel to have him believe I wanted something. Kinda makes me think of myself, and how I'm probably thinking like him right now. It hurts. A lot. I used him because I was depressed, and I'm not going to do it again to anyone. It just bothers me that I clearly told him I didn't want anything more than to just continue being a friend... I made a mistake, and I feel terrible about it. But I'm sorry, I can't change my decision about what happened that night, and I made it clear it was just a stupid decision. But please... it's not like we had some connection for a long time... you shouldn't need to get so, so uptight about it.
I don't really like what has started to happen.
At first I was all happy, and well, now I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to think about what other guys think about me anymore or having to worry about trying to keep the friendship. Then because of how kind I am to them, most tend to get the wrong idea. Sure, maybe I like attention, but I don't want to be a possible candidate in their love life. I only have my eyes set on one guy. It's stupid yet... but I'm still saying it, aren't I?
And today I went grocery shopping, AGAIN. I feel like I do this every week for no apparent reason. But today was different. I'm on a diet again, and I realized I have to plan on what I'm going to cook a day ahead of time to avoid overeating. I tend to make ramen when I get home then realize I'm in the mood for something else and then eat that. Overeating right?
I haven't been paying attention to my weight again and when I stepped on the scale I was horrified. I wasn't looking like it (at least I didn't really notice) that I was getting fatter but the scale doesn't lie. I'm not HUGE, don't get that wrong of an idea...
That was step one of the plan.
Step two involves what I eat.
I've decided from today on, June 24 2011, that I will become a pescatarian. At Price Chopper today I bought a lot of veggies and apples. I need to start eating healthier while eating things that have such low calorie intakes. If I do this while planning out my meals and exactly how much to eat I think I can lose this weight. Another unfortunate event, due to work and lack of sleep I can't really work out like I planned to since day one. About two-three days a week though I do walk, I just don't really know the distance. I walk a pretty good amount everyday anyway, so if I keep watch on my calories and fat, then try to walk more often or at the least do leg exercises in my room (thigh exercises to be exact) I should be able to do something about this issue.
I even curled my hair the other day in an attempt to look different. I thought I looked great, and so summer-y, but there's still those things I can't change about myself. Complexion, noticeable eye size difference, etc... it's kinda depressing when I look at it that way, trying to look pretty and noticing you can't change that much...
Just have to keep trying and find what best works for yourself.
And not to get worked up about all the little details.
There's lots of things I wish I could change about my face in general,
But maybe it can be turned into that unique trait that one special guy can joke and smile about with you.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
And you'll be falling for me as I'm falling for you; and then we can run away
Sometime last year I got really into this one fanfiction. A Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction. Like many, I supported the whole Tidus-Yuna thing going on there and I didn't really care about how the Wakka-Lulu thing developed, nor did I care about any of the other characters' possible relationships. Just the main characters were my concern (well, maybe just Rikku would have been awesome too). Then sometime last year I got back into the X-2 couple thing and l started searching up fanfictions. Of course though knowing me, I don't look for the kiddie ones.
FanFiction.net is my home when I need that lift up when I want to read about something cute and well... "perfect".
It's hard to say perfect, it would be more to say that this are more "ideal" than normal couple life.
But even if it's ideal, it doesn't mean it can't be possible in real life too.
And it made me feel better as a person.
Because...
look at me. I'm helpless. I treasure someone a little too much. I've stayed exactly the same way as when he left me. I didn't go out looking for anyone else, I didn't get "experience" if you know what I'm getting at, etc. Same feelings, same dedication.
But then you look at other people.
Those people who really do sleep around and "experience".
It makes me feel better that I'm NOT one of those people.
Because reading this story again... I feel like... all those other people don't know how to be in a relationship, or more like, they don't know what real passion is.
I should explain.
Because even I don't think I'm saying this right.
As I was continuing to clean my room today I came upon a blank disk.
At first I didn't know what it was for but then I remembered, for what purpose I planned to use it. Then I got my thoughts thinking back on that FF X-2 story. And something just clicked.
That feeling.
That feeling of something serious, something you know won't fade away. Something like being able to smile everyday because of that same person. The feeling of knowing you can keep turning back to them to keep you going. I think that's a better way of what I'm trying to say. People who just sleep around for the hell of it can't feel any of that and it's really just.... really sad. But most of the time it's their own fault too.
But do you get what I'm saying?
Like, I feel like I'm better than all of that because I know that feeling. And that I'm one of those people who would trying to make it that serious. And now I feel really disgusted about all those people who don't think of that. Those who do just sleep with whoever they want for thrills. It makes me feel like they don't have a heart yet.
I know that's really rude to say.
Any one reading this could be one of those people.
But it's just something that really hit me. I guess, reading that story again today threw me off guard. It was that perfect amount of romance and description of passion where you just couldn't take it anymore and your heart wanted to melt. Well, since I've bonded to the two characters from years ago it all just seems like the best story ever, very much fitting of their personalities too. 22pages, but the best 22 pages ever, however I'll admit to skipping one or two near the end. Just reading the first page grabs your attention though :)
'Cause when I read that story, I felt like this was happening. Their connection was just too great, too powerful, their feelings were more than just written words. You could feel their lust, their hope, the love they gave each other.
And then I looked at my CD....
And....
There were many times when I felt that same emotion. Many times.
Memories come back.
There's just a different feeling when you're spending time with the person you really really care about, where you both feel the same. It can't be matched even when you surround yourself with many other girls/guys for some fun. That is the feeling those kinds of people are missing out on. If they've never experienced that feeling before, maybe they're lucky or maybe they're unlucky. But I'm glad that I'm still retaining that emotion. I don't know what I'd do without it. Well... I mean I am living without having it anymore, and I really miss it.
I really miss it.
The story is called "That night on Besaid Beach" and is also the title of the first chapter.
If anyone is interested in reading what I think is a very well written romance fanfiction, here's the link:
Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction<<<< clicky ♥
If you aren't familiar with either FF X or X-2 then places, people, and references will be confusing to you. But you can still keep up with the two love birds (I hope). As they say on Quizilla, there are "lemons" lol.
Oh my god, lemon.
I still don't know how they got the word lemon for sex.
But that's what this is.
I would never want to be anything other than this.
I want to be serious about someone all the time in a relationship. It's the right thing to do I think. Not only that, but it makes every moment so much better. Spending time for someone you're serious with, there's no better feeling in the world.
That's why I was going to make that CD.
Remembering the reasons I did so, just make that feeling come back to me again.
But the truth is....
Even though I remember it, because it's been so long since I've had any mutual response,
I feel like I don't know that person on the other side of the world anymore.
And then, I don't know who it is I'm actually in love with anymore. Almost like I made him up.
That feeling... is just as bad as not having the one I talked about.
Sometimes he doesn't feel like the same guy I liked anymore.
FanFiction.net is my home when I need that lift up when I want to read about something cute and well... "perfect".
It's hard to say perfect, it would be more to say that this are more "ideal" than normal couple life.
But even if it's ideal, it doesn't mean it can't be possible in real life too.
And it made me feel better as a person.
Because...
look at me. I'm helpless. I treasure someone a little too much. I've stayed exactly the same way as when he left me. I didn't go out looking for anyone else, I didn't get "experience" if you know what I'm getting at, etc. Same feelings, same dedication.
But then you look at other people.
Those people who really do sleep around and "experience".
It makes me feel better that I'm NOT one of those people.
Because reading this story again... I feel like... all those other people don't know how to be in a relationship, or more like, they don't know what real passion is.
I should explain.
Because even I don't think I'm saying this right.
As I was continuing to clean my room today I came upon a blank disk.
At first I didn't know what it was for but then I remembered, for what purpose I planned to use it. Then I got my thoughts thinking back on that FF X-2 story. And something just clicked.
That feeling.
That feeling of something serious, something you know won't fade away. Something like being able to smile everyday because of that same person. The feeling of knowing you can keep turning back to them to keep you going. I think that's a better way of what I'm trying to say. People who just sleep around for the hell of it can't feel any of that and it's really just.... really sad. But most of the time it's their own fault too.
But do you get what I'm saying?
Like, I feel like I'm better than all of that because I know that feeling. And that I'm one of those people who would trying to make it that serious. And now I feel really disgusted about all those people who don't think of that. Those who do just sleep with whoever they want for thrills. It makes me feel like they don't have a heart yet.
I know that's really rude to say.
Any one reading this could be one of those people.
But it's just something that really hit me. I guess, reading that story again today threw me off guard. It was that perfect amount of romance and description of passion where you just couldn't take it anymore and your heart wanted to melt. Well, since I've bonded to the two characters from years ago it all just seems like the best story ever, very much fitting of their personalities too. 22pages, but the best 22 pages ever, however I'll admit to skipping one or two near the end. Just reading the first page grabs your attention though :)
'Cause when I read that story, I felt like this was happening. Their connection was just too great, too powerful, their feelings were more than just written words. You could feel their lust, their hope, the love they gave each other.
And then I looked at my CD....
And....
There were many times when I felt that same emotion. Many times.
Memories come back.
There's just a different feeling when you're spending time with the person you really really care about, where you both feel the same. It can't be matched even when you surround yourself with many other girls/guys for some fun. That is the feeling those kinds of people are missing out on. If they've never experienced that feeling before, maybe they're lucky or maybe they're unlucky. But I'm glad that I'm still retaining that emotion. I don't know what I'd do without it. Well... I mean I am living without having it anymore, and I really miss it.
I really miss it.
The story is called "That night on Besaid Beach" and is also the title of the first chapter.
If anyone is interested in reading what I think is a very well written romance fanfiction, here's the link:
Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction<<<< clicky ♥
If you aren't familiar with either FF X or X-2 then places, people, and references will be confusing to you. But you can still keep up with the two love birds (I hope). As they say on Quizilla, there are "lemons" lol.
Oh my god, lemon.
I still don't know how they got the word lemon for sex.
But that's what this is.
I would never want to be anything other than this.
I want to be serious about someone all the time in a relationship. It's the right thing to do I think. Not only that, but it makes every moment so much better. Spending time for someone you're serious with, there's no better feeling in the world.
That's why I was going to make that CD.
Remembering the reasons I did so, just make that feeling come back to me again.
But the truth is....
Even though I remember it, because it's been so long since I've had any mutual response,
I feel like I don't know that person on the other side of the world anymore.
And then, I don't know who it is I'm actually in love with anymore. Almost like I made him up.
That feeling... is just as bad as not having the one I talked about.
Sometimes he doesn't feel like the same guy I liked anymore.
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