I'm 20 years old, but I'm feeling like I'm 15

The number 20 doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me like it used to. You call me 20 but recently as I think about being 20, I can't feel it at all. I wonder why that is. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. Just a stupid high school sophomore.

I thought about it for a little.
And I think it might have been because I've been watching Sailor Moon and translating my mangas.
I mean, those girls are only 13 years old when they start out, then they eventually become high school students once the Stars season starts. There's an obvious difference in the attitudes between the final series and the previous but, how could a 13 year old care about love like they know what the heck they're talking about? The show makes them seem more mature than they should be and I can't feel 20 anymore.

Then again here I was born in America while who the heck knows what goes on in the minds of young Japanese girls anymore.



20....
I got taller within this past year....
can't say my chest filled in though....
guess I have to wait till I'm pregnant now to see any change... ><


Still have that skin problem....
but my teeth are nice and white now....

I don't eat bad....
I exercise too....
And I learned to cook...


My mind has changed a lot obviously. but
I don't feel 20.


Somehow my mind just doesn't want to agree with it even if I'm here surviving on my own, making my own decisions, working, in college, I can go on.


It's weird to even feel like this right now.



I guess you can say I'm still making some pretty bad decisions though.
Still doing things for wrong reasons.


But 20 years old....
maybe that's the proof that I'm that old haha
making wrong choices and learning from them.





Trying to figure out which is the better you, I mean,
as you try to figure what to do with yourself in both a social sense and future prospective. I wonder sometimes how social I ought to be. Not that I'm anti-social, no, no! It's just.... what I used to think freshman year... of everything new I wanted to try,  well.... sometimes it seems in the end, I'm just a good girl after all hahaa.. I tried to do something this past year I kinda always wanted to do in my college life and it just didn't work out the way I thought it would. I guess that's just the learning process, in the end, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be or do something I wanted my life to go.



I joked around with everyone about it, but the truth is, I got really upset.
My emotions were twisted in a way that I was either ashamed of myself or because I failed. I didn't know which was my real feeling.

I guess, I learned from it.
But I'm still not happy about it.



Because failing at it just made my life less exciting.
And all the words and nonsense that I speak about with my friends, I can't live up to them.
Because, even though I love the concept, I can't bring myself to go through with the actual meaning anymore. Those fantasies are so distant now. I tried once. And the final result were those two different feelings. Something I don't want to have to feel again.


Maybe, Sailor Moon twisted my personality as a kid.
With all that 13 year old nonsense hahaa..



I'm just a pretty normal girl.
I obsess over guys, talk about bad things, but in the end that's all I can do.
I don't have any balls to live the college life I actually dreamed of having.


I'm probably, still growing up.
And now I'm going to make some coffee.