Stepping stones of Confidence don't always bring you a Happy Ending

Throughout the year I've been posting random blogs on a Japanese site. As I read back on them, I'm not so sure how I feel about them. As I flip the pages back in a journal from the past few months, I don't know how I feel about those entries.

I look toward another journal I kept as a kid.
I carry it everywhere (as in when I move to new places for a long time) just to remind me of the kind of person I used to be in high school. High school... a time of low self-esteem and random days of constant depression. The things I worried about then are almost completely behind me, sure I still worry about it but, clearly not in the way I used to. As we all know my mind is pretty locked on one object only anyway.

Confidence.
I was thinking back on it while I had a conversation with my friend last night. He said something to me... and I completely disagreed with him. Did I want to? Actually.... I didn't want to disagree with him at all. If I agreed with him, I would have been over confident. Or to be blind and make myself seem like the greatest thing in the world. I told him, "you're wrong. I really am a bitch. I've screwed up so much."


Yesterday I went to Great Escape with him and his other friend. I didn't know where the confidence suddenly came from. I felt good just stripping down to my bikini and walking around the water park area just as. Maybe I've lost that considerable amount of weight that I'm not afraid to show a stomach. Maybe I've toned down my thighs a bit so they're not as big. I just felt super confident about myself. But from where?

I started wearing my hair a different way.
I pull my bangs back and pin them up.
It looks really cute on me, and recently I've been getting a lot of compliments.
I'm even buying clothes I never thought I'd ever buy myself to wear, such as dresses and skirts.

And I gained a new hobby.
All of a sudden I just love cooking! I love experimenting on random foods with veggies and tofu or with real recipes. It's soo much fun! I want to cook for others too!

When you say confidence, isn't the way I'm taking it probably in the worst way?


Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself, it's more than going out and being able to gain attention. Confidence has to be within yourself. Be happy with yourself from the inside. Little things can begin to bring out that shine of confidence, but it can only satisfy you for so long. Lets just say it this way... the times I get complimented or when I'm told something that makes me happy, I am really happy at that point. Like, reallyyyy happy. But then I get that time alone, and I realize, this confidence isn't satisfying at all. Of course, there's always the missing piece.

To no matter what it is, there's always something missing. For everyone.


Every time I take steps of confidence here,
the more I realize it's worth nothing without that missing piece.


Well, at the least, I do feel comfortable about myself and my personality.
I told him last night I've screwed up many times, but I know I wouldn't anymore.
I just need a chance to fill up that missing piece to complete my confidence.