I'm still falling apart even when there's days I feel like I've gotten over all of this.
This is just really painful still. It's like a black, heavy mass of something just sitting in my torso. I tell myself time and time again that I'm over him. I just need closure. I know that's all I need! Then I can stop with the wishing and just get over myself.
I don't like this idea of waiting.... until October.
It's not like I'm going to hurt him or cling onto his arm. I just want to return his ring.
Return it so I don't have to hope anymore.
I don't understand how girls can be like this. We're grouped up to either caring less about the men we associate ourselves with and going with the flow, or we get attached and find it hard to let go.
Girls are so ridiculous.
I hate how complicated we have to be. I can't just go with the flow. Things just aren't that simple. Like I said before, I failed at that. I'm just not that kind of girl in the end.
The way we look at what women are is also just stupid.
The way we look at beauty.... it's unbelievable....
I've never really been one for make up. But most women wear it. Over half of American women, more than half of the entire world's population of women wear make up. I've tried before back in high school. I don't really like how it looks on me. When I was in Japan, I had to go on a mini-runway to show off a kimono. They dressed me up and applied the makeup..... but I just looked at myself and I thought it was ugly. My friend did my makeup for me once too and it looked wrong on me... and she's really good at putting makeup on herself too.
I'm not saying makeup is a bad thing. Many girls look beautiful with it on, and well.... lots of times I wish I could share that feeling with them. But what happened to a natural oneself? It just makes me think about plastic surgery too... you're destroying your real image just to please a crowd.
Maybe I'm just envious that I can't look as amazing as others with makeup. I can't really plan to go to a party and look fantastic by spending time in front of a mirror for an hour, and.... my main reason I don't wear concealer is because of my skin. I know they make oil-free concealer and shit but, I guess I'm just paranoid that it'll clog my pores anyway and spread the bacteria and I don't want my skin to get worse than it already is. But if you only use eyeliner, it kinda looks funny without the rest, right?
I guess, maybe for me, I just don't want to lie about my appearance. Most girls who wear makeup still look really good without it, but I'm just kinda the opposite. So, I don't want to lie about my real appearance. I want everyone to know this is how I am. Skin problems but with a good heart.
I guess, I'm just trying to make up for that lack of beauty.
Some days it looks like my skin is slowly getting better but I mean, it's not really getting so clear that you can notice a whole difference. I've just been trying to keep up with medicine and trying to take care of it but you know how it is... well, then again maybe no one does. It's been something throughout my entire life that I've been dealing with, so it hits me hard.
All I can say is that I'm trying to make up for it in other ways. Making sure I have white teeth, still applying medication to my skin hoping for the best, keeping my weight stable, eating more veggies and drinking more water, etc. Trying to make better choices for the things I lack in.
I really do feel lucky though in a way.
Because, something that frightened me year after year, something that made me cry night after night, after years of just feeling horrible about myself..... I can move on. I stopped caring how my skin or face looks in front of people after some time. I stopped with the concealer, I eventually dropped the eyeliner, and I just kept my original appearance. I still hid myself around people, hardly anyone can tell I have bad skin when my hair is down... but at least this way there was nothing else covering my problems. Because... if someone got to know me, I'd feel guilty that I didn't let them see my true self. Then I'd be hurt in the end if I didn't live up to what they thought I was.
I was really scared of that.
I was really afraid of being with someone because I knew eventually the whole "dating" stage would end and then we'd get down to you know, "the sex stage". The only times I was able to go through the dating stages were twice in high school, and so when it went right to the sex stage in college.... I was really not sure what to do. I never got to know the guy well and he never got to know me.... maybe I was just desperate to get rid of my virginity but.... once it happened I got really worried.
Here I was, sleeping next to a guy who only saw my outer appearance and I was so scared to turn my head in a direction where he could see my flaws, where I couldn't pretend to be pretty anymore. It scared me. I thought he honestly wouldn't like me anymore. And then it eventually got so bad, I became paranoid, and I thought I should end things before I got hurt because I wasn't beautiful anymore. But it didn't matter to him. He stayed there.
When it comes to beauty, I'm really sensitive....
So... I guess maybe this is why it's so painful.
At that time of meeting him, I was still trying to change myself for a different guy. I was trying to be prettier, trying to fix my skin again, trying anything to gain his attention again because I knew I couldn't possibly have lived to his standards of his type of girl. And then, this idiot comes along and takes me how I was. The me still trying to figure out what beauty was. What it meant for me to be beautiful. And he took every ugly part of me without much complaint.
Ever since then, I've cared less and less about how I look in front of people when I'm home. I'll wear my hair up and not care that I have bad skin. I shouldn't care what they think of me, they're not someone I'm trying to impress anyway.
And I've met so many kind people.
I've been told time and time again how pretty I look, and I'm complimented on many different occasions for some outfits or even if my hair is up a few people have told me I look really cute and I have been told I look cute with my glasses on too. I smile and say thank you every time, but as I'm typing this right now, I'm actually crying. Because it means so much to me to hear something like that. Fighting with myself just to figure out how to be beautiful, fighting with this low self-esteem I have..... I can't possibly tell you how happy I am.
I'm without makeup, I'm not hiding these flaws, and somehow, somehow, there's kind people who make me feel better. Being told that I'm beautiful... makes me feel like the happiest girl at that moment.
That's why sometimes, when I hear Bruno Mars' song "Just The Way You Are", when I first listened to those lyrics, I cried. Because a guy who can tell their girl exactly that, he's made their day a whole lot better. If I had a guy who would tell me that every morning when I woke up, I'd never let us fall apart. I would hug him.... I would hold him forever in that bed.
"Thank you" is what I would reply, and would probably cry a bit too hahaaa.
A word for the guys with special girls out there:
Don't ever forget to let her know that she's beautiful.
Because she's trying her best to look good for you, for you to keep accepting her. Don't let her attempts go unnoticed. She cares a lot for you.
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