I'm not one of those kinds of people to fall in love very easily. I'm not one of those people who tend to begin to like someone all of a sudden either. Over the years I've learned to be more aggressive and to go after men, something I never felt confident in doing before, especially in high school and the beginning of freshman year of college. I never felt confident in myself. And right now, I wish I still felt the same.
It becomes a hassle when you realize that you are a normal-decent looking, attractive girl. Those other normal-decent looking males eat you right up because you seem pretty easy and hey, you're still attractive. It becomes a hassle because you know you don't want any of that attention, because you're not interested. I rather be stupid again, ignorant to the feelings of others around me, feelings of affection and possible love interest. Because it hurts me more than you could imagine.
It's nice to know that others what to know you, want to have a relationship with you, but if you're personally not interested and there's someone else you want to notice you, it hurts that you can't grab the attention of that special someone. And in my case, it feels like I'm being stabbed constantly with a knife.
I wish he really knew how much I'm in love with him.
I'd honestly do anything to have him back.
It wasn't until I lost him when I realized he meant so much to me. Him being there in my life made me so happy. He was so kind to me, he teased me, satisfied me, dealt with my bullshit. I loved him. I really loved him. And I don't think I ever really knew how much I did. Until he was gone.
I feel like I've made the mistake somewhere. I know I've screwed up many times, I over reacted with thinking I was pregnant, I overreacted in getting mad with him, I wasn't just in his hobbies, etc.etc. I feel like I did so much wrong. All I ever wanted to do was fix it and prove that I have changed. But he won't give me the chance.
I hung on even after he left, even after he delivered the final blow. He fell in love with two new people, but I was always still there when he needed me. If he needed me, or if just to fulfill his horny fantasies. I was there when he was down, and I was there to assure him that someone still cared for him even when his romances didn't work out the way he hoped. I kept believing in him. I cheered him on.
I was in love with him. I wanted to share what we could. Our happy moments, bored moments, sad moments... but my moments weren't so important. They were just inconvenient.
It's sad that I'm still in love with him.
He makes me cry more often because he won't talk to me. He won't answer my questions, or he ignores me in general. He doesn't want me to exist in his life anymore, but he won't tell me straight to my face. He's too nice to do that. But even if he would, it would crush me. More than I feel every wound my heart takes right now.
I can't trust people anymore. I gave him my heart. I'm afraid of giving it away again. But more than ever I just want another chance. I don't understand why we really broke up. I feel like the people he was surrounded by influenced him. I could be wrong but... the way it happened... it was unnatural. And he did it without saying it to my face. He didn't even speak it. Just text on a screen. I personally don't believe in breakups like that... I haven't once done it to anyone because I don't believe it's meant to be like that. It's a cowardly move.
He means so much to me.
But I mean nothing to him.
I can't type anymore.
I'm crying again.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Hey you, I miss you. What have you been up to?
Yesterday was a good day.
Yesterday was a day I'll never have again.
Yesterday was a day that I know I'll look back on and wonder why I left.
Yesterday....
Yesterday I felt a part of this community. Yesterday, I felt a part of a larger family.
My P.S. family.
The Aero family.
My co-workers.
My friends that they are.
Yesterday, is the brightest.
It was community service day for my job. We do it every year, and of course it's optional. I did it last year as well, even though I didn't know anyone back then, I really enjoyed it too.
Community service is something special to me.
There's just something about it that makes me feel good inside. I really like helping out the community or people in general and to hear that Aeropostale does something every year is a great thing. It makes me happy to be able to participate in something like this.
What we did yesterday was volunteer to help with manual labor. Last year due to extreme flooding in Schoharie (about 40mins upstate from Albany), houses were sweep off the ground, buildings in ruins, etc. etc. The damages of flooding. What we were assigned to do was to go to a place where three houses once stood and dig up all the garbage and put it into a dumpster. We were digging at the foundation of the homes, from the installation, doors, washing machines, metal frames of the house, etc etc that was all buried in the ground. It was hard work carrying everything, raking, shoveling and wheel barring it out, but it was so enjoyable and I had a lot of fun. Even a neighbor appreciated our help so much that he bought us food, TWICE.
Helping out people is such a great feeling. I took off of work the entire day just to be a part of this again. I don't know... I started believing in something a little bit more. I'm being much less selfish and more thoughtful with little things. Community service has nothing to do with this, these are two totally different things. Like for example, I was walking with my coworker to get ice cream and there was a guy in front of the coffee house playing an accordion and his case was open for donations. I threw in a dollar as I walked past. I was visiting my co-worker's house and she has a cat there so before I arrived I bought a bag of cat treats for her. While I was there I took three hits of weed but felt so bad for socializing with the guys there that I hardly knew and smoking their weed that I found them later that week and paid $15 ($5 a hit).
Little things like this I've been doing a lot lately, those haven't been the only cases. Because well....
Not only is it the nice thing to do, but I started putting a lot of hope in the belief of doing the right thing can bring you good karma. Whether this is true or not, I want to keep believing in this. I'm not religious, nor do I really believe in a god. I just believe in being a good person. Being kind. If I do all these things, I live a more satisfying lifestyle and you become happier. And then maybe good things will happen to you too.
After the volunteer work we went to my manager's house who decided to have a cookout. I didn't stay long because I had no way of getting back home otherwise, but I..... it hurts to leave here more and more.
These people are like my family.
They chased me around her house with a blow horn and "penis"-shaped water balloons. Even locking me out of the house in order to accomplish this task.
I was barefoot.
I've been running too much this summer because of this group of people lol.
I knew how close we are as friends regardless of manager/coworker positions... but I felt so... I felt like I was truly going to be missed yesterday. These people that I have gotten to know in only a year's time have become some of the most important people in my life. I'm afraid to leave them... just a little bit.
It was all okay during school. But now that it has come down to the summer, we've been hanging out more often, and now that July is approaching....
I know I'll make new friends in HK but.... still...
Today was such a good day.
I'm going to miss working with these people, I'm going to miss spending time with these people, I'm going to miss their craziness and how they always try to do weird things to me.
If my belief in doing good things is really true, I feel like the way they treat me is my reward. It's the best reward I could have right now, is to feel loved and welcomed and be a part of this crazy family we have all become. I could never ask for anything more than this.
To top the day off, I went shopping in Express & Victoria's Secret.
I got some nice underwear and bras, 2summer scarves, a clutch&card holder, jacket, and a super cute tank top.
winning.
The two girls on the very right of this picture are who I've been hanging out with the most lately, Melissa (blue shorts) and Jenna (black shorts).
Speaking of which, me and Melissa are going to a psychic on Lark Street tomorrow for tarot card readings for out past, present, &future... so excited :)
Yesterday was a day I'll never have again.
Yesterday was a day that I know I'll look back on and wonder why I left.
Yesterday....
Yesterday I felt a part of this community. Yesterday, I felt a part of a larger family.
My P.S. family.
The Aero family.
My co-workers.
My friends that they are.
Yesterday, is the brightest.
It was community service day for my job. We do it every year, and of course it's optional. I did it last year as well, even though I didn't know anyone back then, I really enjoyed it too.
Community service is something special to me.
There's just something about it that makes me feel good inside. I really like helping out the community or people in general and to hear that Aeropostale does something every year is a great thing. It makes me happy to be able to participate in something like this.
What we did yesterday was volunteer to help with manual labor. Last year due to extreme flooding in Schoharie (about 40mins upstate from Albany), houses were sweep off the ground, buildings in ruins, etc. etc. The damages of flooding. What we were assigned to do was to go to a place where three houses once stood and dig up all the garbage and put it into a dumpster. We were digging at the foundation of the homes, from the installation, doors, washing machines, metal frames of the house, etc etc that was all buried in the ground. It was hard work carrying everything, raking, shoveling and wheel barring it out, but it was so enjoyable and I had a lot of fun. Even a neighbor appreciated our help so much that he bought us food, TWICE.
Helping out people is such a great feeling. I took off of work the entire day just to be a part of this again. I don't know... I started believing in something a little bit more. I'm being much less selfish and more thoughtful with little things. Community service has nothing to do with this, these are two totally different things. Like for example, I was walking with my coworker to get ice cream and there was a guy in front of the coffee house playing an accordion and his case was open for donations. I threw in a dollar as I walked past. I was visiting my co-worker's house and she has a cat there so before I arrived I bought a bag of cat treats for her. While I was there I took three hits of weed but felt so bad for socializing with the guys there that I hardly knew and smoking their weed that I found them later that week and paid $15 ($5 a hit).
Little things like this I've been doing a lot lately, those haven't been the only cases. Because well....
Not only is it the nice thing to do, but I started putting a lot of hope in the belief of doing the right thing can bring you good karma. Whether this is true or not, I want to keep believing in this. I'm not religious, nor do I really believe in a god. I just believe in being a good person. Being kind. If I do all these things, I live a more satisfying lifestyle and you become happier. And then maybe good things will happen to you too.
After the volunteer work we went to my manager's house who decided to have a cookout. I didn't stay long because I had no way of getting back home otherwise, but I..... it hurts to leave here more and more.
These people are like my family.
They chased me around her house with a blow horn and "penis"-shaped water balloons. Even locking me out of the house in order to accomplish this task.
I was barefoot.
I've been running too much this summer because of this group of people lol.
I knew how close we are as friends regardless of manager/coworker positions... but I felt so... I felt like I was truly going to be missed yesterday. These people that I have gotten to know in only a year's time have become some of the most important people in my life. I'm afraid to leave them... just a little bit.
It was all okay during school. But now that it has come down to the summer, we've been hanging out more often, and now that July is approaching....
I know I'll make new friends in HK but.... still...
Today was such a good day.
I'm going to miss working with these people, I'm going to miss spending time with these people, I'm going to miss their craziness and how they always try to do weird things to me.
If my belief in doing good things is really true, I feel like the way they treat me is my reward. It's the best reward I could have right now, is to feel loved and welcomed and be a part of this crazy family we have all become. I could never ask for anything more than this.
To top the day off, I went shopping in Express & Victoria's Secret.
I got some nice underwear and bras, 2summer scarves, a clutch&card holder, jacket, and a super cute tank top.
winning.
The two girls on the very right of this picture are who I've been hanging out with the most lately, Melissa (blue shorts) and Jenna (black shorts).
Speaking of which, me and Melissa are going to a psychic on Lark Street tomorrow for tarot card readings for out past, present, &future... so excited :)
Friday, June 15, 2012
It's hot out, and yeah I mean that sexy kind of hot, too.
This entry is going to get really personal. It's a topic I like to be more open about, a topic that many people might label wrong to release to the public, but it's a topic that needs to said. Every so often.
So excuse me if I fantasize a little off topic.
I'm laying here in my bed typing this post while wearing a pair Giordano Blues boxers....
I've given you the setting. Boxers are super comfortable and thin.
A publication has been released. Have you heard of it?
50 Shades of Grey
For those who haven't heard of it, it's a BDSM novel.
B-Bondage
D-Dominance/Discipline
S-Submission/Sadism
M-Masochism
You got it, it's erotica.
It's a fan fiction that became popular enough to get published and now it's on its way to be made into a film. I have my own complaints about how it could manage a publication, I can actually rant on it due to my experience in the fan fiction world. Not only as a writer in the past, but also as a frequent reader.
And that's why no one really understands my point of view on the matter. Because EVERYONE around me who is reading these 3books has no experience with fan fiction in general, let alone understand how it works and what it looks like. I'm not going to go off on this topic though or else I'll never get to reach the main point of this blog.
Sex.
That's what this is about.
Women are reading this story. Why? Because we lack a sexual passion. What we don't really talk about, is what we want. I have only begun reading this fiction, and I've gotten to the very detailed sex scenes, but nothing... too horrifying yet though. I'm addicted. I want to know everything he wants to do to her. I want to know how he's touching her, her reactions, her wants.
We are reading this because women are horny hoes. We are.
But we'll never admit to it because it seems wrong.
I can put myself in this example, and I'm sure I speak for others as well. We want to be controlled. We want our lover to act like a beast and lust us and torture us with his sexual plays. We want to be told what to do. Most of us, at least. We like the demand. And we love the pain.
Women seem to like seeing the pleasure in their man's face, the fire in his eyes, nothing but the want in his dick. We want him to want us with desire that he acts firmly on. It's attractive when a man takes control.
We also like variety.
We don't want that everyday vanilla sex. Thrust into me like you need it. Flip me around, fuck me on the side, slap me, pull my hair and make me scream. It's so exciting. We love being submissive and we want to experience being held down, being told what to do to him, punishing us. And many men love a submissive woman.
This book is to satisfy the sexual needs of women who can't get this kind of excitement from their loved one. It would also be embarrassing to ask them to play a game like this. I would personally bring it up to my boyfriend. After reading what I have read so far, I want to have my hands tied together, I want to be tortured where you stop me from cumming, etc etc. I want to feel that. This book is porn through words, without a doubt. But I think it'll get women to say what they want more. It's a hot topic now. It's circulation by word of mouth, and I think loved ones will have the chance to give these new things a try.
I firmly believe that they should.
Sex is an action of pleasure, mainly for the man himself. He has his needs, all he has to do is seduce the female and the deed is done. But if women talk about this more and tell their man to "try" tying them to the bed, do blindfold, be more aggressive and controlling, the woman can have more to say about sex itself. They can express the feeling and want more, and this want will most likely turn their man on even more, leading to a more healthy relationship. In return, a woman can also learn to be more controlling, satisfying the male who loves to be dominated once in a while.
It's a healthy book. I like the idea of BDSM and regardless of what other women might believe, I think it's a good idea to practice "safe" but new ways of experiencing the pleasures of sex. It's just my personal opinion though. It's not a bad idea and women need to be more open to porn and new ways of pleasure. We point fingers at men and disgrace them for being more needy when dealing with their hormones but women are just as bad.
No one wants to think about women masturbating, watching porn, looking at graphic images, or being turned on by something on the internet. It's disgusting in a way. But we exist. Because we all do it, and it's normal. This book is a wake up call for women to be more outspoken. I don't know if it will have any affect, but I'm glad we have more erotica thrown into the public. We are all interested in the ways of having sex, but we don't know where to begin.
I'm going to read more before going to sleep now.
It's an addicting read.
I don't believe it should have been published, just due to its fanfiction quality, but I'm happy for the author and that she's getting something so naughty out into the public.
Once again, this is just a personal opinion and that's it.
So excuse me if I fantasize a little off topic.
I'm laying here in my bed typing this post while wearing a pair Giordano Blues boxers....
I've given you the setting. Boxers are super comfortable and thin.
A publication has been released. Have you heard of it?
50 Shades of Grey
For those who haven't heard of it, it's a BDSM novel.
B-Bondage
D-Dominance/Discipline
S-Submission/Sadism
M-Masochism
You got it, it's erotica.
It's a fan fiction that became popular enough to get published and now it's on its way to be made into a film. I have my own complaints about how it could manage a publication, I can actually rant on it due to my experience in the fan fiction world. Not only as a writer in the past, but also as a frequent reader.
And that's why no one really understands my point of view on the matter. Because EVERYONE around me who is reading these 3books has no experience with fan fiction in general, let alone understand how it works and what it looks like. I'm not going to go off on this topic though or else I'll never get to reach the main point of this blog.
Sex.
That's what this is about.
Women are reading this story. Why? Because we lack a sexual passion. What we don't really talk about, is what we want. I have only begun reading this fiction, and I've gotten to the very detailed sex scenes, but nothing... too horrifying yet though. I'm addicted. I want to know everything he wants to do to her. I want to know how he's touching her, her reactions, her wants.
We are reading this because women are horny hoes. We are.
But we'll never admit to it because it seems wrong.
I can put myself in this example, and I'm sure I speak for others as well. We want to be controlled. We want our lover to act like a beast and lust us and torture us with his sexual plays. We want to be told what to do. Most of us, at least. We like the demand. And we love the pain.
Women seem to like seeing the pleasure in their man's face, the fire in his eyes, nothing but the want in his dick. We want him to want us with desire that he acts firmly on. It's attractive when a man takes control.
We also like variety.
We don't want that everyday vanilla sex. Thrust into me like you need it. Flip me around, fuck me on the side, slap me, pull my hair and make me scream. It's so exciting. We love being submissive and we want to experience being held down, being told what to do to him, punishing us. And many men love a submissive woman.
This book is to satisfy the sexual needs of women who can't get this kind of excitement from their loved one. It would also be embarrassing to ask them to play a game like this. I would personally bring it up to my boyfriend. After reading what I have read so far, I want to have my hands tied together, I want to be tortured where you stop me from cumming, etc etc. I want to feel that. This book is porn through words, without a doubt. But I think it'll get women to say what they want more. It's a hot topic now. It's circulation by word of mouth, and I think loved ones will have the chance to give these new things a try.
I firmly believe that they should.
Sex is an action of pleasure, mainly for the man himself. He has his needs, all he has to do is seduce the female and the deed is done. But if women talk about this more and tell their man to "try" tying them to the bed, do blindfold, be more aggressive and controlling, the woman can have more to say about sex itself. They can express the feeling and want more, and this want will most likely turn their man on even more, leading to a more healthy relationship. In return, a woman can also learn to be more controlling, satisfying the male who loves to be dominated once in a while.
It's a healthy book. I like the idea of BDSM and regardless of what other women might believe, I think it's a good idea to practice "safe" but new ways of experiencing the pleasures of sex. It's just my personal opinion though. It's not a bad idea and women need to be more open to porn and new ways of pleasure. We point fingers at men and disgrace them for being more needy when dealing with their hormones but women are just as bad.
No one wants to think about women masturbating, watching porn, looking at graphic images, or being turned on by something on the internet. It's disgusting in a way. But we exist. Because we all do it, and it's normal. This book is a wake up call for women to be more outspoken. I don't know if it will have any affect, but I'm glad we have more erotica thrown into the public. We are all interested in the ways of having sex, but we don't know where to begin.
I'm going to read more before going to sleep now.
It's an addicting read.
I don't believe it should have been published, just due to its fanfiction quality, but I'm happy for the author and that she's getting something so naughty out into the public.
Once again, this is just a personal opinion and that's it.
Friday, June 8, 2012
for you, I'd do anything.
I tried not to think about it.
Constantly. I just tired to keep myself afloat.
If I'm busy, I don't have time to sit here and think. To think about things that should have been long forgotten. It's my fault. It's my fault.
He treats everyone better than me. He just does.
I ask a simple question, and I don't ever get a response. But he'll spend the time to reply to everyone else or just right to other people.
I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
Because it's just a simple thing that I ask.
I don't ask for that much.
I'm just trying to coexist.
I'm just asking for a little help.
I'm just looking for a friend.
But I suck.
I know I'm not as pretty as the rest. And I've acted like it didn't bother me, but my acne has gotten worse. If you saw me again, I don't think you would think I was pretty or beautiful anymore, if you used to think that.
I don't know. I'm not sure how I should feel. Should I be angry, or should I cry? You would get angry if I cried. But you would think I was stupid to get angry too.
I hope you don't read this.
Because you would never tell me. And I think I would be scared what impression you have of me. I can't ever tell you my feelings because you don't care about them. You don't really want to support me either, when I would support you and help you out till the very end.
3yrs. And I'm such a loser.
But he's already labeled me as crazy. I think he's just being nice just to be nice. But I know every since he went to Japan, I've always been labeled crazy and I feel like he still does. It's not fair.
When he's the one who screwed me up.
Don't break up with someone through a chat message.
Break up with them before you go abroad. And in person.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so messed up.
I need someone to replace him. But I'm too scared to try again.
Constantly. I just tired to keep myself afloat.
If I'm busy, I don't have time to sit here and think. To think about things that should have been long forgotten. It's my fault. It's my fault.
He treats everyone better than me. He just does.
I ask a simple question, and I don't ever get a response. But he'll spend the time to reply to everyone else or just right to other people.
I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
Because it's just a simple thing that I ask.
I don't ask for that much.
I'm just trying to coexist.
I'm just asking for a little help.
I'm just looking for a friend.
But I suck.
I know I'm not as pretty as the rest. And I've acted like it didn't bother me, but my acne has gotten worse. If you saw me again, I don't think you would think I was pretty or beautiful anymore, if you used to think that.
I don't know. I'm not sure how I should feel. Should I be angry, or should I cry? You would get angry if I cried. But you would think I was stupid to get angry too.
I hope you don't read this.
Because you would never tell me. And I think I would be scared what impression you have of me. I can't ever tell you my feelings because you don't care about them. You don't really want to support me either, when I would support you and help you out till the very end.
3yrs. And I'm such a loser.
But he's already labeled me as crazy. I think he's just being nice just to be nice. But I know every since he went to Japan, I've always been labeled crazy and I feel like he still does. It's not fair.
When he's the one who screwed me up.
Don't break up with someone through a chat message.
Break up with them before you go abroad. And in person.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so messed up.
I need someone to replace him. But I'm too scared to try again.
Travel&finances. What I want to do compared to what you have done.
I thought about it. I didn't really put much consideration into it, but I did think about it.
Going to Thailand.
Right now, I know this guy who is traveling around Asia for vacation this past week. He went to Thailand, and now he's in Singapore. I see his pictures and I just think that it's so amazing. Just this morning I had a notification in my Instagram (so rare, yo), and I saw that my friend Pat tagged me in an old photo of us in Japan (I posted it below) from when we used to go to the Elementary school across the street from our high school every Tuesday morning to teach English to a few classes of 1st graders. We used to sing song with them and ask them questions, and it was so cute. I got a laminated certificate too as a thank you and such. I really think this will be very useful for me in the future if it comes down to me actually having to teach English for a living. I've got hands on experience (even though it's really nothing) and proof of it.
In any case, it brought back some really good memories. So I need to hurry up and complete my new blogger page of my Japan blogs. 32 have been posted... but I still have like 40 some to go... lol
But then I talked to Pat a bit, and after she said that she wanted to meet up again, I told her about me going to HK this September. Pat is from Thailand and we spent the year in Japan together, we were in the same class. I plan on going back to Japan and she really wants to, too. And she said she would like me to come to Bangkok too. So it got me thinking....
What if I go to Thailand first from HK, then buy a ticket to Japan in Thailand? Plane tickets are much cheaper in Thailand. And going from HK to Thailand is also probably super cheap too. I thought about going to Thailand a few months ago, but now she's inviting me so I'll have a place to stay! And I want to travel so much! I want to see the world! Especially Asia! I want to take lots of pictures, I want to try lots of different kinds of food, I want to write in my blog about my adventures and experiences and all the other cool stuff I'm doing! I want to have so much experience in my life when it comes to trying new things and seeing places. This is what I want to do with my life. I don't want to stay in one place.
So, even though I have many reasons to say that it was a bad decision to choose HK over Japan for study abroad, I have just as many, if not MORE reasons to say it was a better decision to go to HK over Japan. Asia is so compacted and close, if I was in Japan I'd be cut off from all other countries unless I wanted to put my expenses towards very expensive plane flights.
HK, Thailand, Japan, Mainland China......
making new friends, visiting old friends.....
I 'm getting so excited.
I can hardly believe that this is what I'll be doing. Exploring the world... it's a dream come true ♥ I'm having so many great opportunities in my life. And a very prospective future at that. I've screwed up my last 2yrs of college, but everything is changing now. THIS IS IT.
I won't waste a single minute. I'll be discovering the cities, learning new cultures, working if I can, studying my very hardest, I mean... Everything I told myself freshman year, all the words and ideas that I have placed inside my head for motivation, all my future goals, projections, hopes, dreams; it's all coming together in this single year. This is the real me that I've aimed for for so long. I won't let anyone screw me over again. I've worked too hard for this.
Which brings me to the next topic.
My sister came to me because she's in financial trouble right now. She got into a car accident and has to pay for repairs. But she didn't have enough money to cover it... without getting caught. Kevin was driving her car as "driving training" you can say, so he's helping her cover half. But my mom gets alerted when we drop low in our banking account and she said that she needed the money tomorrow, in which her bank account would drop to $50, send out an alert, and then my parents would know about the accident.
I have no problem lending her help in giving her the $500 that she needed today. She promised to pay me back, so it's not like all the time I've spent working is going to waste on her mistake. Honestly, if I wasn't even saving for something so important to me, I would just tell her not to worry about paying me back. I mean, I do have a lot saved.
But this is where I want to go at. I hate to keep bashing on her, but I feel like it's people like this that screw up the future and opportunities for your children. No, not my sister. I'm talking about my mom. But if my sister doesn't start to think about her paychecks more wisely, she may end up the same.
It's okay if you decided to drop out of college. I'm not going to make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel like a failure just because you couldn't handle the college experience. Some people can, others well, they just can't for whatever reasons they may have. In my mom's case, I was told (from my dad) that she dropped out because she couldn't deal living with roommates who weren't like her (ex. too loud in the house etc.). Whether that's true or not, in my opinion it's a poor excuse, but okay, it just didn't work out for you. But you're life doesn't have to be a mess just because you don't have a college degree.
All my parents problems, are a result of financial issues. I'm pretty convinced of this. My mom got upset because she couldn't afford to get new tires on my sister's car and my dad refused to help pay. $700 for new tires. But this started from the past. My family did a shitty job on learning how to invest and save. All I can think about are the many times I need to hear my parents complaining about money one day or another. And so I've learned off of that, because it pissed me off.
You don't need a college education to keep yourself stable. It's when you rush into big things too fast and don't save AT ALL, and spend it on what you 'think' is important right now. But in reality, giving up a bit of your social life or just the little things you used to buy for a few months, or even working your ass off for a few months and saving most of your earnings, it will lead to something worth more than what you thought was important at that time. You screw this up for your kids if you don't consider what can happen in the future.
They can't experience college if you can't afford it, and it screw up how you live too. You can live in a house that looks like your rich if you know how to properly finance yourself. And if it gets that bad, finding another part time job won't kill you. Just suck it up for a few months.
I'm getting super negative now.
I get very passionate about this topic so I'll just stop where I'm at before I say anything worse.
On another note, I've been consistent on studying. I've been keeping up on reviews and learning new words. I actually talked to Antony a little bit in the sentences I was able to form from my new vocab. It's a really good feeling :) I can't wait until I can actually start using it every day.
Going to Thailand.
Right now, I know this guy who is traveling around Asia for vacation this past week. He went to Thailand, and now he's in Singapore. I see his pictures and I just think that it's so amazing. Just this morning I had a notification in my Instagram (so rare, yo), and I saw that my friend Pat tagged me in an old photo of us in Japan (I posted it below) from when we used to go to the Elementary school across the street from our high school every Tuesday morning to teach English to a few classes of 1st graders. We used to sing song with them and ask them questions, and it was so cute. I got a laminated certificate too as a thank you and such. I really think this will be very useful for me in the future if it comes down to me actually having to teach English for a living. I've got hands on experience (even though it's really nothing) and proof of it.
In any case, it brought back some really good memories. So I need to hurry up and complete my new blogger page of my Japan blogs. 32 have been posted... but I still have like 40 some to go... lol
But then I talked to Pat a bit, and after she said that she wanted to meet up again, I told her about me going to HK this September. Pat is from Thailand and we spent the year in Japan together, we were in the same class. I plan on going back to Japan and she really wants to, too. And she said she would like me to come to Bangkok too. So it got me thinking....
What if I go to Thailand first from HK, then buy a ticket to Japan in Thailand? Plane tickets are much cheaper in Thailand. And going from HK to Thailand is also probably super cheap too. I thought about going to Thailand a few months ago, but now she's inviting me so I'll have a place to stay! And I want to travel so much! I want to see the world! Especially Asia! I want to take lots of pictures, I want to try lots of different kinds of food, I want to write in my blog about my adventures and experiences and all the other cool stuff I'm doing! I want to have so much experience in my life when it comes to trying new things and seeing places. This is what I want to do with my life. I don't want to stay in one place.
So, even though I have many reasons to say that it was a bad decision to choose HK over Japan for study abroad, I have just as many, if not MORE reasons to say it was a better decision to go to HK over Japan. Asia is so compacted and close, if I was in Japan I'd be cut off from all other countries unless I wanted to put my expenses towards very expensive plane flights.
HK, Thailand, Japan, Mainland China......
making new friends, visiting old friends.....
I 'm getting so excited.
I can hardly believe that this is what I'll be doing. Exploring the world... it's a dream come true ♥ I'm having so many great opportunities in my life. And a very prospective future at that. I've screwed up my last 2yrs of college, but everything is changing now. THIS IS IT.
I won't waste a single minute. I'll be discovering the cities, learning new cultures, working if I can, studying my very hardest, I mean... Everything I told myself freshman year, all the words and ideas that I have placed inside my head for motivation, all my future goals, projections, hopes, dreams; it's all coming together in this single year. This is the real me that I've aimed for for so long. I won't let anyone screw me over again. I've worked too hard for this.
Which brings me to the next topic.
My sister came to me because she's in financial trouble right now. She got into a car accident and has to pay for repairs. But she didn't have enough money to cover it... without getting caught. Kevin was driving her car as "driving training" you can say, so he's helping her cover half. But my mom gets alerted when we drop low in our banking account and she said that she needed the money tomorrow, in which her bank account would drop to $50, send out an alert, and then my parents would know about the accident.
I have no problem lending her help in giving her the $500 that she needed today. She promised to pay me back, so it's not like all the time I've spent working is going to waste on her mistake. Honestly, if I wasn't even saving for something so important to me, I would just tell her not to worry about paying me back. I mean, I do have a lot saved.
But this is where I want to go at. I hate to keep bashing on her, but I feel like it's people like this that screw up the future and opportunities for your children. No, not my sister. I'm talking about my mom. But if my sister doesn't start to think about her paychecks more wisely, she may end up the same.
It's okay if you decided to drop out of college. I'm not going to make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel like a failure just because you couldn't handle the college experience. Some people can, others well, they just can't for whatever reasons they may have. In my mom's case, I was told (from my dad) that she dropped out because she couldn't deal living with roommates who weren't like her (ex. too loud in the house etc.). Whether that's true or not, in my opinion it's a poor excuse, but okay, it just didn't work out for you. But you're life doesn't have to be a mess just because you don't have a college degree.
All my parents problems, are a result of financial issues. I'm pretty convinced of this. My mom got upset because she couldn't afford to get new tires on my sister's car and my dad refused to help pay. $700 for new tires. But this started from the past. My family did a shitty job on learning how to invest and save. All I can think about are the many times I need to hear my parents complaining about money one day or another. And so I've learned off of that, because it pissed me off.
You don't need a college education to keep yourself stable. It's when you rush into big things too fast and don't save AT ALL, and spend it on what you 'think' is important right now. But in reality, giving up a bit of your social life or just the little things you used to buy for a few months, or even working your ass off for a few months and saving most of your earnings, it will lead to something worth more than what you thought was important at that time. You screw this up for your kids if you don't consider what can happen in the future.
They can't experience college if you can't afford it, and it screw up how you live too. You can live in a house that looks like your rich if you know how to properly finance yourself. And if it gets that bad, finding another part time job won't kill you. Just suck it up for a few months.
I'm getting super negative now.
I get very passionate about this topic so I'll just stop where I'm at before I say anything worse.
On another note, I've been consistent on studying. I've been keeping up on reviews and learning new words. I actually talked to Antony a little bit in the sentences I was able to form from my new vocab. It's a really good feeling :) I can't wait until I can actually start using it every day.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The current may be tough, but there's no reason to drown if you're able to stand up straight
Wow, I am so exhausted right now. I woke up late after I passed out last night in bed with my computer, not awaking until 2:30am and realizing I did that. Didn't make myself lunch today, but that's okay 'cause I'm going to buy chocolate milk later, and now this coffee isn't doing it's purpose.
I would go to sleep like I normally do....
but yesterday, as soon as I got here I forced myself to put on Anki, get on a vocabulary list. make note cards, then study all day. And you know what? I did.
Early early early Monday morning I realized that it was June 4th. I only have less than three months. Then I saw a blog labeled "Fluent in Three Months". Now, even though the chances of that in real life, especially when we're talking about Asian languages here, fluency in three months is a joke. BUT, it is possible to be proficient in everyday conversation. So here's where I'm at.
I have a little less than three months remaining in my summer before my big trip. If I begin to take myself more seriously, I can do this. So I forced myself to do this right yesterday. I learned 50vocab words yesterday, including how to write the characters. Maybe my pronunciation is total crap, but I can master that eventually. I know the tone numbers for the words, so once I can match the tone to the number, it should be simple.
I had a few questions too, mostly about the jyutping and pronunciation for it. I understand that HK natives don't know any jyutping, but it's convenient for me to know because that's how I type Cantonese on the computer. Yes, I found a keyboard input that supports Cantonese. I downloaded it months ago, but it's super convenient to type instead of copy and pasting all the characters. But Antony has been the biggest help. Even more so grateful to know him. He's really too kind. I have questions constantly since I can't find the exact audio for certain words. And it didn't really occur to me to use LINE to get in touch with him. I didn't want to bother him too much either but now I know it's really okay :)
Maybe not many people know what LINE is. It's an app, for Android or iPhone, you know all you smart phone users. I only have my iTouch, but I love my apps ♥
Anyway, it's just like the app Whatsapp, I feel like more people know about that app more than LINE, but LINE is much more popular in Japan (after all, it was made in Japan), while Whatsapp is more like a Chinese/(possibly Europe too) thing. The other problem with Whatsapp is that it is currently not supported with the iTouch which means, if you aren't using a mobile device you can't possibly use Whatsapp. So in the end, LINE is a better solution to my problems of communication through my iTouch. Not to mention, I've met many more people who have LINE, unless they just happen to use both.
But yeah, it have a voice message option on it, so I can record a message and send it to him. I had my questions, and when text wasn't good enough to solve my problem, I sent him me saying it. He returns telling me that I'm completely wrong and he records the correct way and sends it to me. And again, he was really supportive saying again that I can message him whenever I have questions etc. He then sent me a link to some really good vocab sheets. I'm so grateful. He's probably the only person who's really supporting me through all of this, and that's something I needed. All the other people I have met aren't really helpful or talk to me as much as this guy is willing to deal with me.
And it's so unfair. Unfair that we will never get to meet in person unless I can find a way to stay in HK more than 10months. Actually, in order to meet him it'll have to be longer than a year. I think, I really think we could have been really good friends in school. He's the best person I could have ever met during my time there. There's many more students that can be as wonderful as him, but it's finding them that's hard.
He's a good guy.
My dad got upset with me yesterday. As if I haven't already said it more than once, I remind him that I'm up here working three jobs. And he got mad. He's like, "You shouldn't be working so much, you should go out with friends and do something", "Why are you working so much?", "You know you can come home for a weekend", "You sound lonely", etc etc. But he got upset with me that I'm working. I told him, "What do you expect me to do? I don't know anyone up here except for my co-workers so how am I supposed to go out with people? I'm keeping myself busy because I would be bored out of my mind otherwise. And the best way to be busy is to be making money at it too. I have nothing else to do up here but work. And if I go home I'll be bored there and do nothing. I'll be home with the dog all day for three long months because I can't find a job in PA without requiring a ride from someone which is 1) a waste of money on gas for them and 2) inconvenient for them to work around my schedule to get me to work and pick me up. There's nothing to do there or here over the summer other than WORK. And I'm not lonely because I am so busy that by the time I get home I just want my own alone time anyway before I pass out. And I am wayy to busy to deal with people when I get home."
What no one seems to realize either is that, I actually LIKE to work. It keeps me busy and it's probably the only social interaction I'd be getting all summer since you know, I DO live alone. I love my jobs. All of them. And maybe I'm just really lucky, but I also get a long with all of my co-workers. We talk all the time about random stuff, joke around, and recently my one co-worker and I at P.S. have gotten much more closer. It's a shame that I'm leaving in two months. And then, Lin's girlfriend at Yo D-sert, we joke around with each other more than enough. I feel like, 1) I'm doing a really good job there and 2) she likes me so much that she keeps telling him to keep me. And they've been teaching me more Chinese. So I always tell them that I need the washcloth or say other random things that I know in Mandarin to them. But since I was studying Cantonese all day yesterday I couldn't remember the word for "what" in Mandarin, so when they started pointing at me while they were talking in their Chinese, I yelled at them, "乜嘢 (mat ye)" in Canto. I had her repeating it lol.
I love working. I came home last night and Fumi, she's staying with me until Thursday due to her apartment problems, asks me when I get home, "Aren't you tired all the time working so many hours?" I was smiling when I walked though the door. I told her that I actually have a lot of fun at work and I love my co-workers. Either I'm just really lucky to be working with good people, or I just tend to get along with people really easily. She said she wished she had a personality like mine. My personality is nothing that great. I just think what it is is that I'm surrounded by people who are just as friendly as I am and we are super lucky to get along so well. And I love these people so much and I love working so much, that I'll always just go there just to "hang out". This past Sunday, I worked at P.S. for free for 3hours just because I had a little extra time on hand before I had to go to my other job. They appreciated the help, even though it was technically illegal for me to do and if my manager found out we'd (me and the 2 other girls in charge) would get yelled at. Soo, it's kinda a secret right now lol,,, shhh ;)
Then I made this reallyyyyy yummy curry sauce last night for my ramen and veggies. I added Half&Half into the mixture instead of water.
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD
to top everything off.....
I found out I'm getting a raise! It's been a little over a year since I've been with P.S. and my manager said I'm up for review on a pay raise! It's a shame that I'm leaving soon but for my last month here I'll be getting paid more! AND! I just realized that I probably am getting my $8/hr here on campus! Next week I just need to ask the secretary when I pick up my next paycheck because the other two workers here said that when they asked they were actually getting paid more than what they thought! This is great!
So when you ask me why~ I'm staying here working 24/7 for the summer in Albany, it's because I like doing it and I'm making a shitload of money for HK ;)
This summer is the most productive and I feel so lucky to be surrounded with great people, great jobs, and to be enjoying every bit of it. Today is a celebration, so I'm going to buy a sandwhich at Outtakes for lunch and chocolate milk lol. Yay! Now to go back to studying!! Keep fighting!!
I would go to sleep like I normally do....
but yesterday, as soon as I got here I forced myself to put on Anki, get on a vocabulary list. make note cards, then study all day. And you know what? I did.
Early early early Monday morning I realized that it was June 4th. I only have less than three months. Then I saw a blog labeled "Fluent in Three Months". Now, even though the chances of that in real life, especially when we're talking about Asian languages here, fluency in three months is a joke. BUT, it is possible to be proficient in everyday conversation. So here's where I'm at.
I have a little less than three months remaining in my summer before my big trip. If I begin to take myself more seriously, I can do this. So I forced myself to do this right yesterday. I learned 50vocab words yesterday, including how to write the characters. Maybe my pronunciation is total crap, but I can master that eventually. I know the tone numbers for the words, so once I can match the tone to the number, it should be simple.
I had a few questions too, mostly about the jyutping and pronunciation for it. I understand that HK natives don't know any jyutping, but it's convenient for me to know because that's how I type Cantonese on the computer. Yes, I found a keyboard input that supports Cantonese. I downloaded it months ago, but it's super convenient to type instead of copy and pasting all the characters. But Antony has been the biggest help. Even more so grateful to know him. He's really too kind. I have questions constantly since I can't find the exact audio for certain words. And it didn't really occur to me to use LINE to get in touch with him. I didn't want to bother him too much either but now I know it's really okay :)
Maybe not many people know what LINE is. It's an app, for Android or iPhone, you know all you smart phone users. I only have my iTouch, but I love my apps ♥
Anyway, it's just like the app Whatsapp, I feel like more people know about that app more than LINE, but LINE is much more popular in Japan (after all, it was made in Japan), while Whatsapp is more like a Chinese/(possibly Europe too) thing. The other problem with Whatsapp is that it is currently not supported with the iTouch which means, if you aren't using a mobile device you can't possibly use Whatsapp. So in the end, LINE is a better solution to my problems of communication through my iTouch. Not to mention, I've met many more people who have LINE, unless they just happen to use both.
But yeah, it have a voice message option on it, so I can record a message and send it to him. I had my questions, and when text wasn't good enough to solve my problem, I sent him me saying it. He returns telling me that I'm completely wrong and he records the correct way and sends it to me. And again, he was really supportive saying again that I can message him whenever I have questions etc. He then sent me a link to some really good vocab sheets. I'm so grateful. He's probably the only person who's really supporting me through all of this, and that's something I needed. All the other people I have met aren't really helpful or talk to me as much as this guy is willing to deal with me.
And it's so unfair. Unfair that we will never get to meet in person unless I can find a way to stay in HK more than 10months. Actually, in order to meet him it'll have to be longer than a year. I think, I really think we could have been really good friends in school. He's the best person I could have ever met during my time there. There's many more students that can be as wonderful as him, but it's finding them that's hard.
He's a good guy.
My dad got upset with me yesterday. As if I haven't already said it more than once, I remind him that I'm up here working three jobs. And he got mad. He's like, "You shouldn't be working so much, you should go out with friends and do something", "Why are you working so much?", "You know you can come home for a weekend", "You sound lonely", etc etc. But he got upset with me that I'm working. I told him, "What do you expect me to do? I don't know anyone up here except for my co-workers so how am I supposed to go out with people? I'm keeping myself busy because I would be bored out of my mind otherwise. And the best way to be busy is to be making money at it too. I have nothing else to do up here but work. And if I go home I'll be bored there and do nothing. I'll be home with the dog all day for three long months because I can't find a job in PA without requiring a ride from someone which is 1) a waste of money on gas for them and 2) inconvenient for them to work around my schedule to get me to work and pick me up. There's nothing to do there or here over the summer other than WORK. And I'm not lonely because I am so busy that by the time I get home I just want my own alone time anyway before I pass out. And I am wayy to busy to deal with people when I get home."
What no one seems to realize either is that, I actually LIKE to work. It keeps me busy and it's probably the only social interaction I'd be getting all summer since you know, I DO live alone. I love my jobs. All of them. And maybe I'm just really lucky, but I also get a long with all of my co-workers. We talk all the time about random stuff, joke around, and recently my one co-worker and I at P.S. have gotten much more closer. It's a shame that I'm leaving in two months. And then, Lin's girlfriend at Yo D-sert, we joke around with each other more than enough. I feel like, 1) I'm doing a really good job there and 2) she likes me so much that she keeps telling him to keep me. And they've been teaching me more Chinese. So I always tell them that I need the washcloth or say other random things that I know in Mandarin to them. But since I was studying Cantonese all day yesterday I couldn't remember the word for "what" in Mandarin, so when they started pointing at me while they were talking in their Chinese, I yelled at them, "乜嘢 (mat ye)" in Canto. I had her repeating it lol.
I love working. I came home last night and Fumi, she's staying with me until Thursday due to her apartment problems, asks me when I get home, "Aren't you tired all the time working so many hours?" I was smiling when I walked though the door. I told her that I actually have a lot of fun at work and I love my co-workers. Either I'm just really lucky to be working with good people, or I just tend to get along with people really easily. She said she wished she had a personality like mine. My personality is nothing that great. I just think what it is is that I'm surrounded by people who are just as friendly as I am and we are super lucky to get along so well. And I love these people so much and I love working so much, that I'll always just go there just to "hang out". This past Sunday, I worked at P.S. for free for 3hours just because I had a little extra time on hand before I had to go to my other job. They appreciated the help, even though it was technically illegal for me to do and if my manager found out we'd (me and the 2 other girls in charge) would get yelled at. Soo, it's kinda a secret right now lol,,, shhh ;)
Then I made this reallyyyyy yummy curry sauce last night for my ramen and veggies. I added Half&Half into the mixture instead of water.
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD
to top everything off.....
I found out I'm getting a raise! It's been a little over a year since I've been with P.S. and my manager said I'm up for review on a pay raise! It's a shame that I'm leaving soon but for my last month here I'll be getting paid more! AND! I just realized that I probably am getting my $8/hr here on campus! Next week I just need to ask the secretary when I pick up my next paycheck because the other two workers here said that when they asked they were actually getting paid more than what they thought! This is great!
So when you ask me why~ I'm staying here working 24/7 for the summer in Albany, it's because I like doing it and I'm making a shitload of money for HK ;)
This summer is the most productive and I feel so lucky to be surrounded with great people, great jobs, and to be enjoying every bit of it. Today is a celebration, so I'm going to buy a sandwhich at Outtakes for lunch and chocolate milk lol. Yay! Now to go back to studying!! Keep fighting!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)