I've been working 8am-5pm on campus all this week. Then had a shift at P.S. 5pm-10pm for two days, well one of those days is tomorrow. It's long and well, tiring I guess you can say. Monday when I first started the 8am shift I woke up at 5:30-6ish and I know this sounds strange but, I smelled the air and it had a familiar scent. I thought I was waking up to go to classes. Last year I woke up around that time everyday so it kinda felt nostalgic. But not in a good way.
I was fine afterwards after I was up for like an hour. I hate taking a shower as soon as I wake up because I feel sleepy while taking it and even when I'm done I'm still not awake. But if I sit around not taking one as soon as I wake up, I'll end up talking myself into sleeping for a few more minutes which then will accidentally turn into an hour or more. Then I get mad at myself. I don't know if I ever said something about myself like that. I get mad at myself easily. Like really easily if I don't do something I'm supposed to. -sigh- That unfortunately will probably never change.
Can you believe though classes are starting up again? Next week already. I bought myself a new agenda at Borders. I keep going there to buy things I don't need. Sales are really addicting to me. This is where my money has been going. Closing sales.
It's bigger though which I really needed. The small one I used for second semester was cute and easy to carry and all but then when it came to writing down homework and etc. the space was limited and I didn't enjoy that much of writing small when I needed to write it quick and leave the class. This one is pretty cute too actually and it's floral ♥. I lovee floral by the way haha.
I'm also reorganizing my music.
This is like... an actual job it feels like. I started today at work since I was there for 9 hours to do nothing. I must have like 3,000 songs on my external hard drive and every single song is not in a folder. It annoyed me for some time, especially when some of the songs don't even have the artist listed. So I started organizing them by language, then artist, then by album (the English songs have a genre section too though for my dubstep and techno). I went crazy. Too many songs, too much work for me. My eyes and brain couldn't do much more once it hit 2pm today. I'm not even halfway done yet. And at the same time I was downloading all these Cantonese albums from this site that has albums from quite a few artists from the past two years. I found so many good albums from artists like Jason Chan, Jonathan Wong, Sherman Chung, and Vincy Chan and now I just can't stop listening to Cantonese music. Right now it's become such an addiction. It sounds amazing, and sung so beautifully. Something happened since I found my first album, and now I'm just super excited about going to Hong Kong. What's more is that I'm more excited to be able to speak it, like I just want to meet someone really bad now and practice saying things all the time now. It's not a very good thing for certain reasons but, I just want to learn more and more and use it and just everything! I can't wait!
And then another bad thought, well, ugh.....
something so stupid. Something that won't even happen anyway. Why am I even bothering to say something? I sometimes wonder... why I do some of the things I do. Or what's worse, why I think of some of the things I think about. I read a quote today that probably everyone should really take into their own lives. But at the same time, that quote made me really upset. While it was supposed to be inspirational, I found it to be really.... depressing. People are choosing to be a way but at the same time they're not. Because no matter how hard they try, sometimes it's just impossible to be that way. The quote was "If you want to be happy, be" - Leo Tolstoy
I thought about that.
What he says is unbelievably true. But you know.... some times there's just so many things weighing a person down that.... forcing a smile or a laugh can be the most painful thing in the world to you. Someone close to me came in my mind when I thought about that quote. It made me sad because I couldn't blame him for making a poor decision. And I blamed myself for not trying to make him happier. Because even though I know I should be doing everything I can for him, the me I am now isn't complying with what is right in my mind. It's just such a sad feeling, something so hurtful.
Maybe I should sleep leaving it on that note.
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