The Last Post.

I got really angry sometime earlier this week.

I'm not say it was really an 'angry' type of feeling. It was more like, a broken kind of feeling. That feeling when it feels like your heart is broken I guess. But, it wasn't a heartbreak. It's hard to explain. I don't want to say what had caused the feeling. But it broke me. And I felt like I was about to quit all the hard work I've been doing until now. I didn't want to move, I wanted to just sit there and cry. But I knew better....

I couldn't let myself breakdown like this.

I wasn't sure what to do. My dad was still in the house and I didn't want to get all emotional suddenly, then he would just pressure the questions. So, I left. I went outside and ran. Because it was all I could think to do. What had happened? Why did it hurt so much? Why did I care that this is how it truly is? I know why I cared, but it's gotten to the point where I'm feeling sick and disgusted. All I was able to do was cry silently as I kept on running. I'd get tired, walk for a little bit, then I picked up my feet and ran again. I ran a lot. I didn't even know the pain in my legs until the very end when I knew I couldn't go much longer. All I knew was to keep running. I couldn't do anything else.

I wanted to scream. Run and scream at the top of my voice.
I haven't felt this distraught in such a long time. I wish it was avoided.

As I ran, I tried to convince myself. I told myself, "I need to get stronger", "I need to be stronger".
"I need to be brave"
"I need to keep believing"
"You need to believe in what you're doing"


I felt as if I was running blindly. Like in that anime, "The Girl Who Leap Through Time", when she ran and screamed when going back in time to save him... it was that kind of feeling, without so much the screaming. To be honest, I felt like next month when I'm in HK....
It's funny.

Did you realize yet that I'm blindly running towards a future that isn't there? That's what I felt like that day as I ran. I realized, no matter how hard I pushed myself, I can only be worthy to myself. To give someone a value... it's only possible on how you respect them, how you look up to them. In Japanese, 憧れ would be perfect here.
All I could do was ask myself what it is I am doing. In reality, what is it that I care so much about? I want to attract a lot of different people. I want people to see me as an amazing person. But most of all, I want to excel in what I love. I don't want to be blindly running. I want to be where I want to be. I can only fight for my happiness.

That's pretty much what I realized.
I broke.. and all I can do is try to fight back with all my might.
The truth is, the very thing that caused my desperation, well... it doesn't have much to do with this at all. It was something completely stupid and probably meant as a harmless joke. It wasn't aimed at me either, or well, I hope it wasn't. Instead of taking it personally to the point of getting agitated, I felt as if I had failed. I still do think this way. It hit close to my heart. Because I understood it. And I don't know what happened after that.

So what am I really doing in HK?

Fun isn't an answer I think I'll find easily. Neither is romance.
Especially romance.


I honestly don't know anymore. I don't know how to take the emotion that I'm feeling right now. I'm confused. Really confused.
I keep thinking, "Why didn't you go to Japan? You love Japan!"
I do. I want to speak it so much recently with other Japanese. With my friends. I want to see my friends again. But...

I can't go back. I've come to that realization. I only had two choices. TUFS or Kansai... I couldn't. Kansai is too far from the people I love, and TUFS... I just can't bring myself to attend that place. I could have looked into another school through a different SUNY program I suppose, but it's too late now. Not only that, what would I really learn in the end? I'd only be with the people I've cared about for so long. But you know... it's funny how they're memories still linger. I have a tendency of abandoning things. More importantly, people. I don't have my friends from elementary, I don't have my friends from middle and high school anymore either. The friends made during college may unfortunately end this way too.
When I go home, all I have is family. And I don't feel right with them.

It's a lonely feeling being trapped like this. I've abandoned people constantly, I don't keep in contact, I'm forgot, they become forgotten because I'm too absorbed in my own thing. I guess that makes me selfish. All I'm doing is preventing from anyone in.


I sometimes try to think of it as a good thing though. This way I can go and do anything I want without feeling like I need to take care of the other end. In a positive way, it would mean to chase my dreams of traveling and living abroad without the regret of leaving the people I grew up with. The more I see it that way, I've come to the conclusion that this is just my fate. I'm a traveler. I run away. I try to be independent. I don't want help from others so I abandon them. I run away from their aid.

That's why I find it so funny how I refused to let these people, the friends I've made in Japan, escape from my life. I haven't forgotten them at all. Sometimes I feel like our strings have been severed, but their lives are busy too, and in the end when I hear back from them they still seem happy to hear from me. And it makes me so happy.

They were the first people I've held close to my heart.
I find worth in them because of what they mean to me. They can't speak English, they don't have any special talents, they might have spoiled me just a little but, they made me felt like I belonged. Like I was Japanese too. And everyone knows how much something like that makes me happy. I'm probably being closed-minded, a lot of friends I've made in America have also treated me with kindness and I had so much fun spending time with them too. And it's sick of me to not put them into the same category as I have with those from Hitachi.
It's no one's fault but mine. I can't find a purpose here. I can't find a specific object that would make me want to stay.

The second person, and the last one for now, went away. The problem with this one is, the way I admire that person, I can't find a way to change it, and keeping them so close has only caused me trouble time and time again. It's gotten to the point where I need to sever our string. But no matter what, even if we never speak again, I believe that person has worth to me. I look up to them sometimes too, and for that reason alone I feel like my path has been going in a positive direction.

That's why, even though I'm really confused as to why I'm going to HK... I know it's best for me. I know it's the best thing for me to be doing right now, especially as this is my last year as a college student. I don't know what to do there other than study as hard as I can, but surely I'm supposed to be there. It's always been a dream to know more than two languages, if I could learn four I'd die happy. That's why... being in Japan doesn't serve me any purpose, other than being with the one's I've admired. That's what we sacrifice.

Every person is worthy in their own way, but more importantly, we're worthy to at least another person in our own lives. So there's always someone who respects you for whatever it is that you do. And we shouldn't forget that. Everyone is different in their own way, and we look for worth in others in our own way. But just because we can't find a specific worth in someone that we could look up to, doesn't mean they're worthless at all. It's hard to see it my way maybe.


But it's hard to find worth in yourself.
And that's my problem. As I left Albany, I saw the faces and emotions of the people I was leaving behind. And I was surprised. I meant a lot to them without even realizing it. I'm glad that I was able to be worthy of something to someone. Whatever the reason was, I am really happy that for a period of time we could share that.

And now, I need to find worth in myself.
I need to find the reason why I'm trying so hard right now.
I need to get stronger.
I need to be a little more thinner.
I need to be better in Japanese.
I need to be prettier.
I need to support myself.
I have to try harder.

Then, I'll find myself worthy for myself. I have to fight for everything.
What is it that I can do for myself to make me feel worthy?
For a little over a week now, I've been translating one Sailor Moon manga a day. I should have the completion done before I leave America. I've also been jogging everyday (~15mins/per jog) since Aug.1st. two-three times a day.

What I can do for now is just keep studying to increase vocabulary.
What I can do now is keep running everyday to get a beautiful thin, but healthy body.

What is it that I can do for now for the upcoming future,
That's what I realized as I ran.

Current state of affairs

I'm too lazy to go and translate what I'm going to write in here into Japanese today. I won't let the laziness stop me next time.

But I feel great!

I had a schedule planned, right? Well, it kinda didn't work out for me lol

Waking up at 5am to walk was a great idea and all, but after a week I decided that 5am is wayy too early for me to wake up on this vacation. I mean, I was waking up at 5:30am MONDAY-FRIDAY (sometimes weekends too) when I was in Albany just to get ready for work. Not to mention I did the same thing while classes were in session. NO. I'm done with that bullshit. I rather stay up late and wake up sometime between 9am and 10am.

So I quit that.

As for jogging with my dog, I think it's been going on two weeks now. Yep, I'm still at that one! At first I wasn't doing it in the morning though, and instead waiting until around 6pm to take her. But now that has changed! Believe it or not, I always told myself that 'I hate to run, jogging isn't even an option', so I never have gone and done it. And what even surprised me, I actually LIKE to jog!

So with my own free will, I'm actually jogging with my dog TWICE a day. Once in the morning as soon as I wake up around 9-10am and then again sometime between 4pm-7pm. I actually want to jog. What annoys me though is that my dog is beginning to give up on me. Since I wasn't used to the whole jogging thing at first, I began to pace myself and my jogs gradually became longer. Now when we reach the last stretch, I have to pull her along which is just more pressure on my end to keep up my pace without slowing down. She needs to exercise, whether she likes it or not, she's coming with me and enduring the jog. lol

Studying Cantonese.... ahaaaaahaa...

Let's not get into that topic.

See, I kinda figured myself out in a way. I need more than just self-help.

I either need to be in a classroom with a teacher and interactive learning or I need to be immersed to the point I have no other choice but to do it myself and HAVE to use it. This is how I was before I went to Japan as well. And that's what I remembered.

Before the Rotary Club's exchange program became a thought in my mind, I wanted to learn Japanese and so I tried to teach myself. Even after that, when I was accepted, I got Rosetta Stone, tried to study again on my own.... but other than the basics, I couldn't retain anything. I wasn't using the skills I learned nearly enough and had little to no interactions with native speakers. So, I just couldn't do anything.

And that's what I feel it is now.

When I was studying Cantonese a few months back, I tried hard to keep the words retained. I reviewed my flashcards, posted entries in Lang-8, I really tried all I could. But I couldn't get it to stick. It really hurt to feel like all these goals I wanted to be able to reach when I get there, like getting a part-time job, etc. couldn't really happen right away.

But what I also noticed is how easy I can retain new information after the point of learning more than the basics. I remembered back to when I was in Japan and when my host mother asked me something, I was using the correct intransitive/transitive verbs that I studied so hard. But the one thing that surprised me the most was when we were cleaning the classroom after school and my homeroom teacher asked me something. I responded 「二番めの...」(the second one...).

And I didn't even realize what I had done until he mentioned it. And I'll never forget that, because I was so proud of myself, I felt so happy that I did something I didn't prepare myself for.

It might sound like nothing to you, but it meant a lot to me. What I did was use the word 「め」(me). Using it in this way indicates a specific place. But, I never taught myself how to use that. I must have adapted it from listening to the people around me. And that's when he said to me, "Your Japanese has really improved, hasn't it."

I felt so fuzzy and happy when he said that to me and also realizing why that was.

So, I decided to let the Cantonese be for now. When I get there I'll be able to catch on, and with enough hard work, unlike what I did in Japan, I can learn a lot more faster. What's instead more important is to concentrate on studying more Japanese. I'm trying to enter into a 400 level class in HK which is probably out of my league considering how tough language classes are over there, along with their pre-knowledge of a large amount of kanji since birth. I might have to drop to the 300 level, but I want to at least give it a shot. Japanese is easy for me to retain once I put my heart into it, unlike the lazy studying I did for the classes and tests. And I have the perfect solution.

I'm not only writing my blogs in Japanese for my Japanese friends, but also for myself as self-improvement. I learn new vocab and grammar structures, and I'm keeping up with it. The new thing that I've started, today is day4 of it, is reading my entire collection of my Sailor Moon mangas. I've had my collection of the Japanese mangas for a while now but I've actually never sat down and seriously read them. And I AM a huge Sailor Moon fan. How can I live through this if I haven't read the mangas once? ESPECIALLY IN JAPANESE!

So I planned it out. Everyday I will completely translate one book. There's 18books total in the series plus an additional SailorV manga that is complete with 3books. Then I have one "omake" book which I may or may not get to. I was watching the entire series over again, but then I thought I could just watch those in HK since I have them downloaded but what I can't do is take my books with me. If I do take a book, it will be the 'omake' book. I have 22days left in America and a total of 22books to read. I'm already on book4 though so that makes 18 more to go. I'm writing down every word I don't know and/or can't remember and then making flashcards for each volume.

I'm a slow reader at manga. Even when I read English manga it would take me about 3hrs because I take in every detail. So considering this is being translated (looking up the word I don't know then writing it down with its meaning, rereading the sentence/speech bubble more than once to make sure I fully understand what's being said), it's taking me a really long time to do. It takes up most of my day, actually. So all I do is wake up, jog, eat breakfast, read, eat lunch, read, jog, take a shower, eat dinner, read, sleep. And it continues into the next day. I would also like to mention that my portions of food are also small (sometimes I skip lunch though) because of my lack of movement and because I am trying to lose weight. And because it takes me awhile and if I have any other distractions throughout the day, I tend to stay up till 3am-4am until I finish the book.

But it's so worth it.

I've never felt so happy than I have been these past four days this entire summer and I feel so much more accomplished than I have been because I'm learning so much too and working out for my body, it's amazing.

I woke up today so excited to start translating again. I went for my jog, and now I'm quickly typing this up to explain why I feel so great. I love Sailor Moon so much, and the manga is so different, it's actually a very addicting read, I'm not getting bored at all! The manga has a slightly different story line (but kinda better compared to the anime) and it is soooo much more romantic too!! It actually might be a reallyy bad thing for me ahahaaa, I tend to dream a little too much.

My favorite is Sailor Venus, Aino Minako♥ She really is my role model. I know that's really crazy to say but I love her personality and I feel like my admiration (or probably better to say 'boy crazy') for guys probably came from liking that quality of her's too. We're kinda similar in the end. I want to be like her. Funny, (sometimes perverted), easily love-struck, and cute. And in the manga she's a much stronger leader than they portray her to be in the anime! I want to be like that too, strong and more leader-like instead of a follower. Unfortunately she is fated to have a cursed love life just like me too ahahahaaaa 

(That's what the psychic told me when I went to see one in Albany).

And another awesome thing is looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking, 'wow, I'm getting thinner and healthier, my body looks great (except for the part where I lack the presence of a 'womanly' chest....).'  
Watch out, HK! UWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA 
lol ;p

It's a good thing I decided to quit smoking. If I was still in Albany, I probably would have gotten much more addicted that I should have been, since I was always smoking with my co-worker. My lungs would probably not handle the running after so long^^ 

I really do hope I can keep jogging in HK. I'm just worried about the heat. If anything stops me, it'll be that. But I would reallyyyy like to continue this habit and jog the track field every morning if I can, you know, meet some cute guys ♥lol

But I'm wasting too much time here! I have to read!

This screenshot is from the SailorStars (5th) season. moments like this, is why I love her :)

なにも言ってほしくない // I don't want you to say anything

気が付いたことは香港の男の人の髪の毛が短いことです。
香港は暑くて湿気もやばいし
どうして短くて切っているのかは理由がわかるけど....
もっと長くしたら方が、かっこよくないですか？
Something I noticed about Hong Kong men is how short their hair is.
Hong Kong is super hot and the humidity is crazy too
So I understand why they cut it but....
If it was a little bit longer, wouldn't they look more cool? 

香港の友達(William)の３年前に撮ったアイディーカードの写真を見ました。髪の毛が短くて似合わないと思いました。彼にも「似合わない」と言いましたｗ。その友達は今私とアメリカにいます。でも今の彼は髪の毛がもっと長くてとてもいいと思います。カッコいい！！

I saw a picture of my Hong Kong friend's (William) ID card that he took three years ago. His hair was short and I didn't think it really suited him. I told him too lol. Right now that friend is in America with me. But, his hair now is much longer and it's really nice. So cool!!

だから、どうして香港の男の人の多くが切っちゃうのですか？
彼氏はぜったい長い方がほしいなー
かっこいいし

So, why do most Hong Kong men go and cut their hair?

I definitely want a boyfriend with long hairrrr

Because they look so cool

ここに言っちゃうのは悪いけど...

That's bad to say here though...

でもWilliamが紹介してくれた友達(Caitlyn)も香港の男の人が運動しないと言いました。
なんだそりゃー
運動する人がほしいー
ぜったい大学で誰かいるでしょう！

But the friend William introduced me to (Caitlyn) too said that Hong Kong guys don't work out either.

What's with thatttt

I want a guy who works out

There has to be a guy on campus who does! 

バカみたいでしょう、私
でも、男の人に興味があっても....
ばかじゃないです。
見ることだけです。
憧れることだけなんです。

I must seem like an idiot

But, just because I have an interest in guys....

I'm not stupid.

I just like looking at them.

I just admire them. 

そのことについてたくさん考え事をしています。
香港にいるとき、彼氏がほしいです。いい人を見つけるの信じていますが...
 ただ....わからないです。
一人でいたくないし、誰かに愛させてくれてほしいし、
気持ちが言葉でよく伝えられません。

I think a lot about this topic.

While I'm in Hong Kong, I do want a boyfriend. I know I can find a good person but...

It's just....I don't know.

I don't want to be alone, I want someone to love me,

I can't really explain this feeling well in words. 

ただ怖いです。
本当に怖い。
いつも同じことを言っちゃうけど..やぱり、誰かが好きなんて
新しい恋するなんて
こわいです。  

べつに、髪の毛が短い男の人も、運動していない人も大丈夫と思うけど
もちろん、理想な男の人を見つけるのは無理です。
それはいいけど....
また、気持ちが言葉でよく伝えられません。




ときどき、香港に行くと決めたのは間違いっだったと思います。
最近日本がとても恋しいです。
広東語よりも日本語を勉強しています。新しい単語を覚えるのが楽しくなりました。
後悔していませんが.....

 Sometimes I think my decision to go to Hong Kong was wrong.

Recently I really long for Japan.

Instead of studying Cantonese, I'm studying Japanese. Learning new vocab is fun.

I don't regret it but.....

なんだろなあ
多分....友達と会いたい、だからこの気持ちが現れましたと。
のかなあ

Somehow

Probably....I just want to see my friends, that's why I think this feeling has appeared.

Probably

寂しいのかもしれない

I might be lonely

まあ、
あと二十六日
それで今のめちゃつまらない生活がなくなります。
寂しい気もなくなります。
がまんしようー

Well,

All that's left is 26 more days

After that, this current boring life will come to an end.

This lonely feeling will also disappear.

Just gotta be patience

I also miss that jacket...I wonder where it went..

夏運動の恋/Summer Workout Love

火曜日病院に行ってA型肝炎の予防ワクチンの注射をしました。痛かったー！
Tuesday I went to the doctor's for a Hepatitis A shot. It hurt!

今週はずっと掃除です。午前５時に起きてほんとうによかったです。眠いけど朝歩きがいいと思います。ほとんど私と妹が喧嘩してばかりでも...笑
This week all I'm doing is cleaning. I'm glad I'm waking up at 5am though. I'm tired but I think morning walks are really good. Even though me and my sister argued most of the time...lol

前に書いたスケジュールをしています。
勉強はまだだけどね＾＾；
私の部屋に大きい箱が集まったから、私は整理しなくちゃいけなかったです。本当に大変ですよ。もう四日掛かっています。箱を開けて、どこか物を片付けて、aAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
大変です。

I started the schedule that I wrote in my previous blog.

Everything except the studying though^^;

Large boxes have collected in my room so I have to organize them. It's really troublesome. It has already taken four days to do. I have to open the boxes, put the things somewhere, aAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's really annoying.

運動だけしたいです。
All I want to do is workout.

でも土曜日お父さんの彼女がこの家に来てくれるからお父さんの指令で家中美しくきれいにしなくちゃいけません。
「ため息」
大変です。

But my dad's girlfriend is coming over on Saturday so according to my dad's orders, we have to clean this entire house until it's beutiful.

"sigh"

Troublesome.


犬とジョギングもやっています。
ジョギングする前、無理って思いました。絶対遠くに行けないよって思いました。私走るのは嫌いなんです。ジョギングと走りはちょっと違うなんだけど同じく息が苦しくなってあえいでいます。
BUT!
DDRのおかげでできます！
私は犬より早いです！
hhahahaa, 犬はちょっと年取っています。
遠くにはまだ行けないけど20分ぐらいジョギングできます！

I also began jogging with my dog.

Before I began jogging, I thought it was impossible. That I definitely wouldn't be able to jog far. I really hate running. Even though jogging and running is a little different I thought they were about the same when it came to panting and having trouble breathing after awhile.

BUT!

Thanks to DDR I can do it!

I'm faster than my dog!

hhahahaa, She's a little old though.

I still can't go too far but I can jog for about 20minutes!


自転車も楽しいです！
自転車に乗ると調子がわるくて ふともも動かない、筋肉が休みたそうです。
その辺はもっと力を付けなくちゃいけないと＾＾

Riding my bike is also fun!

After riding my bike though I'm out of shape because my thighs won't move, like the muscles want to take a rest.

I have to gain more power in that area^^

ahhh 眠くなったああ

ahhh Now I'm tiredd

帰ったー！ これから.... Back home! From here on....

This last month is going to start a little different than the last 3 I posted in Japanese. Instead of all Japanese, I'll do both from now on. Unless I feel differently ;p


July 29, 2012.
あと一ヶ月ぐらい。
September 2, 2012.
出発です。香港まで飛行機に乗ります。
香港留学のため作ったブログ、今から始めようと最初思ったけど....またここにしましたね！
これからも香港留学のブログにも日本語と英語で更新します！

July 29, 2012.

There's only about a month left.

September 2, 2012.

I'll be on a plane, departing to Hong Kong.

At first I thought I would start posting onto the blog I made for Hong Kong.... but here I am again!

From here on out too, even on my Hong Kong blog, I'm going to update in both Japanese and English!

 
で、たぶん一週間に三回ぐらいブログをします。
アメリカにいるこの最後の月に調子が良くなりたいです。調子がよくなるためたくさん運動しなくちゃいけないと思います。調子が良くなるっていうのは、もっと力を付けたくてもっと痩せたくて、などなど

I'll probably be updating about three times a week.

During this last month in America, I want to get in shape. In order to get in shape you have to workout. When I say get in shape, I mostly mean to get gain more power and to lose a little weight, etc.etc.

 で、広東語も勉強しなくちゃいけないし....
I have to study Cantonese too....


だから、こう決めました。このスケジュール
1)午前五時：妹とお母さんと、三人で歩き
2)そのあと：犬とジョギング
3)ちょっと広東語の勉強
4)自転車に乗り
5)また勉強
6)最後に：DDR (Dance Dance Revolution)

 So, this is what I decided. This schedule

1)5am: go for a walk with my mom and my sister

2)After that: a jog with my dog

3)Study a little Cantonese

4)Ride my bike

5)Study again

6)Lastly: DDR (Dance Dance Revolution)

できるかなあ hahaa...
I wonder if I can do it hahaa...

自信がありますから
香港へ出発する前に、ちゃんと調子が良くなります。

But I believe in myself

Before I go to Hong Kong, I will get into shape.


そして、子供のときバスケが大好きでした。今日外出した子供用のバスケネットを見て、バスケをしたくなりました。また子供に戻りたいなあ
とにかく、バスケする気分があれば、バスケします。

Then, as a kid I really liked basketball. Today when I went outside and saw the basketball net I had as a kid, I felt like playing again. I really want to be a kid again

In any case, when I get that feeling again, I'll play.


最後に言いたいことは
またニキビの薬を飲んでいます。
９月までに治さないといけないと思いますが少し治る希望があります。
薬といっぱい水を飲むとなにかいいことになるでしょう！

The last thing I want to say

I started taking acne medicine again.

I know it won't be cured by September but, I have hope that it will heal a little bit.

By taking medicine and drinking lots of water something good has to happen!


はい！スタート！！
Alright! Lets start!!

いったいなんだろうね

Unlike the last two previous ones, I'll be nice and write this one in English... half of it.

So here I am.
Kinda pissed.

But that's because of SUNY.
I guess it's my own fault since I didn't expect it. But now it's puts more pressure on me for finding a job. I really need to now... or else I won't be doing much this upcoming year. SUNY screwed me over, charging me an extra $1000+ on a study abroad fee. I understand it's reasonable and all, but my dad wasn't expecting to have to pay as much as it totaled up to... and I didn't expect to have to help him out with it. I don't mind helping out, but the problem right now is that I've been saving up for all my personal expenses while abroad. I was going to have $8000+ saved. Then, $300 goes for half of the plane ticket and then I need to pay my dad $1000+ for the extra fee SUNY pasted on my bill. Okay... so that leaves me with about $6000..... It's still a lot, I know I shouldn't be complaining. I'm just pissed that $1000+ is going to disappear just like that and I'm not even in HK yet.

I'm already planning two things.
There's a Perfume concert in HK November 7th that I MUST attend to, and then my travel to Japan for a week or two and in the meantime going to see 凛として時雨 live again with Nozomi. Japan is going to be expensive....


-sigh-
Actually, now that I've typed that all out I feel a little better. I guess I didn't really realize how much I was overreacting in my own head... gosh 本当にバカだあたし....


で、OBXにいるときセーラームーンを見てばかりです。
家に帰るとセーラームーン。
お父さんが寝るとテレビにパソコンをRBMケーブルで付いてセーラームーンを見ます。
中毒ですね....

だって
愛野美奈子は私のロールモデルです。

おかしいおかしいのはわかっていますが
ロールモデルなんです。
彼女の性格が本当に好きだし同じ性格になりたいです。
明るくて面白くてたよりにできる人で力になる人
だから、またセーラームーンの大ファンになりました。
シリーズの全部をダウロードしていちいち見ています。セーラースターからです。

みなこになりたいなあー
たぶん大ファンだけが知ることだけど...みなちゃんは男出入りなんです。
セーラーV漫画からそういう運命が呪いされました。

サイキックにいた時、ラーク町で、
彼に同じことを言われて、落ち込みました。
"男出入り"

まあ、ロマンスがほしくて、彼氏もいいし
maybe今は恋人を探す時間じゃないかもしれません。

とにかく
がんばります。

だって
みなこのことほどなりたいでしょう？
ｗｗ
そうよね

hi

これから日本語でブログを書きます。
いい練習だし...私だけが読めることです。
もっと私的なブログになります。


あああ
困っています。
彼氏が....ほしいな....

Williamとキスしたかったです。
でもなんとなく無理でした。目の前チャンスが表れて、２人の顔も近く付いて....
やばかったの
彼が優しすぎてできなかった！

後悔なんです。


どうしてあのくせ男の人が私のとこに追いできたんだ！
あのくせ男の人がもし来なかったら...ぜったい幸せと思いますよ。
あのくせ男の人....あのアホ！どうして私の生命をめちゃくちゃされてんのよ？！

幸せなんて
愛するなんて
まだ大変なことさ
私にとって


私の気持ちがわかっていないんだ！
ひどい

どうして私...
私のせいです


ずっと前から私のせいなんてあきらめなかったから
自分でこんな深く痛く傷を付かせました


Williamが私のことまだ好きなんだかもしません.....
ごめんねWilliam....最後まで２人は不幸なんです。

ribbons in her hair

帰っちゃったな、私

気持ちはどうかな....
うそだ
わかってるじゃん。


角に隠しています。
何も言わないし目を合わせないし
ずっと隠したいです。

本当の自分を言いたくないです。
全部秘密として


眠い


香港でどうすればいいのですか？



あと１ヶ月残りです



眠すぎます
明日もっと書きます

no remedy for memories

もういいと思います。
この場所で
もういたくない。

大切な友達ができて本当にずっと一緒にいたいんだけど
もうその時間ですね…続かなくちゃいけません

あの人…私のことがほんとうに嫌いなんてみたいな…
twitterでブロックして、instagramでfacebookの中の友達で私しかフォローしてくれません。
最悪に妹のinstagramをフォローしています！

なにそれ…

彼の心がそんなに冷たいのですか？


Albany...
ここにももういたくないです。
Pennslyvaniaにもいたくない。

なんか、
違う生活を始めたいです。
５年前もこういうの感じました。
やっぱ、


今感じてるのはおめでたいです。
だまされてやすい。


毎日付かされた傷が深くなります。
なんでだろう私まだここに立ち続きますの？

痛い…
痛いんだよ




本当に私が壊れている。
君のせいでこんなに…


バカ。
君は本当にバカよな



黒い雲
強い雨
雷なくて

もうこういう愛なんです。
逃げられません。
どうして…

Knowing that you love him

I'm not one of those kinds of people to fall in love very easily. I'm not one of those people who tend to begin to like someone all of a sudden either. Over the years I've learned to be more aggressive and to go after men, something I never felt confident in doing before, especially in high school and the beginning of freshman year of college. I never felt confident in myself. And right now, I wish I still felt the same.

It becomes a hassle when you realize that you are a normal-decent looking, attractive girl. Those other normal-decent looking males eat you right up because you seem pretty easy and hey, you're still attractive. It becomes a hassle because you know you don't want any of that attention, because you're not interested. I rather be stupid again, ignorant to the feelings of others around me, feelings of affection and possible love interest. Because it hurts me more than you could imagine.

It's nice to know that others what to know you, want to have a relationship with you, but if you're personally not interested and there's someone else you want to notice you, it hurts that you can't grab the attention of that special someone. And in my case, it feels like I'm being stabbed constantly with a knife.

I wish he really knew how much I'm in love with him.
I'd honestly do anything to have him back.

It wasn't until I lost him when I realized he meant so much to me. Him being there in my life made me so happy. He was so kind to me, he teased me, satisfied me, dealt with my bullshit. I loved him. I really loved him. And I don't think I ever really knew how much I did. Until he was gone.

I feel like I've made the mistake somewhere. I know I've screwed up many times, I over reacted with thinking I was pregnant, I overreacted in getting mad with him, I wasn't just in his hobbies, etc.etc. I feel like I did so much wrong. All I ever wanted to do was fix it and prove that I have changed. But he won't give me the chance.

I hung on even after he left, even after he delivered the final blow. He fell in love with two new people, but I was always still there when he needed me. If he needed me, or if just to fulfill his horny fantasies. I was there when he was down, and I was there to assure him that someone still cared for him even when his romances didn't work out the way he hoped. I kept believing in him. I cheered him on.

I was in love with him. I wanted to share what we could. Our happy moments, bored moments, sad moments... but my moments weren't so important. They were just inconvenient.

It's sad that I'm still in love with him.
He makes me cry more often because he won't talk to me. He won't answer my questions, or he ignores me in general. He doesn't want me to exist in his life anymore, but he won't tell me straight to my face. He's too nice to do that. But even if he would, it would crush me. More than I feel every wound my heart takes right now.


I can't trust people anymore. I gave him my heart. I'm afraid of giving it away again. But more than ever I just want another chance. I don't understand why we really broke up. I feel like the people he was surrounded by influenced him. I could be wrong but... the way it happened... it was unnatural. And he did it without saying it to my face. He didn't even speak it. Just text on a screen. I personally don't believe in breakups like that... I haven't once done it to anyone because I don't believe it's meant to be like that. It's a cowardly move.

He means so much to me.
But I mean nothing to him.


I can't type anymore.
I'm crying again.

Hey you, I miss you. What have you been up to?

Yesterday was a good day.
Yesterday was a day I'll never have again.
Yesterday was a day that I know I'll look back on and wonder why I left.
Yesterday....

Yesterday I felt a part of this community. Yesterday, I felt a part of a larger family.
My P.S. family.
The Aero family.

My co-workers.
My friends that they are.

Yesterday, is the brightest.



It was community service day for my job. We do it every year, and of course it's optional. I did it last year as well, even though I didn't know anyone back then, I really enjoyed it too.

Community service is something special to me.
There's just something about it that makes me feel good inside. I really like helping out the community or people in general and to hear that Aeropostale does something every year is a great thing. It makes me happy to be able to participate in something like this.

What we did yesterday was volunteer to help with manual labor. Last year due to extreme flooding in Schoharie (about 40mins upstate from Albany), houses were sweep off the ground, buildings in ruins, etc. etc. The damages of flooding. What we were assigned to do was to go to a place where three houses once stood and dig up all the garbage and put it into a dumpster. We were digging at the foundation of the homes, from the installation, doors, washing machines, metal frames of the house, etc etc that was all buried in the ground. It was hard work carrying everything, raking, shoveling and wheel barring it out, but it was so enjoyable and I had a lot of fun. Even a neighbor appreciated our help so much that he bought us food, TWICE. 


Helping out people is such a great feeling. I took off of work the entire day just to be a part of this again. I don't know... I started believing in something a little bit more. I'm being much less selfish and more thoughtful with little things. Community service has nothing to do with this, these are two totally different things. Like for example, I was walking with my coworker to get ice cream and there was a guy in front of the coffee house playing an accordion and his case was open for donations. I threw in a dollar as I walked past. I was visiting my co-worker's house and she has a cat there so before I arrived I bought a bag of cat treats for her. While I was there I took three hits of weed but felt so bad for socializing with the guys there that I hardly knew and smoking their weed that I found them later that week and paid $15 ($5 a hit).

Little things like this I've been doing a lot lately, those haven't been the only cases. Because well....

Not only is it the nice thing to do, but I started putting a lot of hope in the belief of doing the right thing can bring you good karma. Whether this is true or not, I want to keep believing in this. I'm not religious, nor do I really believe in a god. I just believe in being a good person. Being kind. If I do all these things, I live a more satisfying lifestyle and you become happier. And then maybe good things will happen to you too.


After the volunteer work we went to my manager's house who decided to have a cookout. I didn't stay long because I had no way of getting back home otherwise, but I..... it hurts to leave here more and more.


These people are like my family.

They chased me around her house with a blow horn and "penis"-shaped water balloons. Even locking me out of the house in order to accomplish this task.


I was barefoot.
I've been running too much this summer because of this group of people lol.

I knew how close we are as friends regardless of manager/coworker positions... but I felt so... I felt like I was truly going to be missed yesterday. These people that I have gotten to know in only a year's time have become some of the most important people in my life. I'm afraid to leave them... just a little bit.
It was all okay during school. But now that it has come down to the summer, we've been hanging out more often, and now that July is approaching....

I know I'll make new friends in HK but.... still...



Today was such a good day.

I'm going to miss working with these people, I'm going to miss spending time with these people, I'm going to miss their craziness and how they always try to do weird things to me.

If my belief in doing good things is really true, I feel like the way they treat me is my reward. It's the best reward I could have right now, is to feel loved and welcomed and be a part of this crazy family we have all become. I could never ask for anything more than this.

To top the day off, I went shopping in Express  & Victoria's Secret.
I got some nice underwear and bras, 2summer scarves, a clutch&card holder, jacket, and a super cute tank top.
winning.

The two girls on the very right of this picture are who I've been hanging out with the most lately, Melissa (blue shorts) and Jenna (black shorts).
Speaking of which, me and Melissa are going to a psychic on Lark Street tomorrow for tarot card readings for out past, present, &future... so excited :)

It's hot out, and yeah I mean that sexy kind of hot, too.

This entry is going to get really personal. It's a topic I like to be more open about, a topic that many people might label wrong to release to the public, but it's a topic that needs to said. Every so often.

So excuse me if I fantasize a little off topic.

I'm laying here in my bed typing this post while wearing a pair Giordano Blues boxers....
I've given you the setting. Boxers are super comfortable and thin.


A publication has been released. Have you heard of it?
50 Shades of Grey
For those who haven't heard of it, it's a BDSM novel.
B-Bondage
D-Dominance/Discipline
S-Submission/Sadism
M-Masochism

You got it, it's erotica.

It's a fan fiction that became popular enough to get published and now it's on its way to be made into a film. I have my own complaints about how it could manage a publication, I can actually rant on it due to my experience in the fan fiction world. Not only as a writer in the past, but also as a frequent reader.

And that's why no one really understands my point of view on the matter. Because EVERYONE around me who is reading these 3books has no experience with fan fiction in general, let alone understand how it works and what it looks like. I'm not going to go off on this topic though or else I'll never get to reach the main point of this blog.


Sex.
That's what this is about.


Women are reading this story. Why? Because we lack a sexual passion. What we don't really talk about, is what we want. I have only begun reading this fiction, and I've gotten to the very detailed sex scenes, but nothing... too horrifying yet though. I'm addicted. I want to know everything he wants to do to her. I want to know how he's touching her, her reactions, her wants.

We are reading this because women are horny hoes. We are.
But we'll never admit to it because it seems wrong.


I can put myself in this example, and I'm sure I speak for others as well. We want to be controlled. We want our lover to act like a beast and lust us and torture us with his sexual plays. We want to be told what to do. Most of us, at least. We like the demand. And we love the pain.

Women seem to like seeing the pleasure in their man's face, the fire in his eyes, nothing but the want in his dick. We want him to want us with desire that he acts firmly on. It's attractive when a man takes control.

We also like variety.
We don't want that everyday vanilla sex. Thrust into me like you need it. Flip me around, fuck me on the side, slap me, pull my hair and make me scream. It's so exciting. We love being submissive and we want to experience being held down, being told what to do to him, punishing us. And many men love a submissive woman.

This book is to satisfy the sexual needs of women who can't get this kind of excitement from their loved one. It would also be embarrassing to ask them to play a game like this. I would personally bring it up to my boyfriend. After reading what I have read so far, I want to have my hands tied together, I want to be tortured where you stop me from cumming, etc etc. I want to feel that. This book is porn through words, without a doubt. But I think it'll get women to say what they want more. It's a hot topic now. It's circulation by word of mouth, and I think loved ones will have the chance to give these new things a try.

I firmly believe that they should.


Sex is an action of pleasure, mainly for the man himself. He has his needs, all he has to do is seduce the female and the deed is done. But if women talk about this more and tell their man to "try" tying them to the bed, do blindfold, be more aggressive and controlling, the woman can have more to say about sex itself. They can express the feeling and want more, and this want will most likely turn their man on even more, leading to a more healthy relationship. In return, a woman can also learn to be more controlling, satisfying the male who loves to be dominated once in a while.

It's a healthy book. I like the idea of BDSM and regardless of what other women might believe, I think it's a good idea to practice "safe" but new ways of experiencing the pleasures of sex. It's just my personal opinion though. It's not a bad idea and women need to be more open to porn and new ways of pleasure. We point fingers at men and disgrace them for being more needy when dealing with their hormones but women are just as bad.

No one wants to think about women masturbating, watching porn, looking at graphic images, or being turned on by something on the internet. It's disgusting in a way. But we exist. Because we all do it, and it's normal. This book is a wake up call for women to be more outspoken. I don't know if it will have any affect, but I'm glad we have more erotica thrown into the public. We are all interested in the ways of having sex, but we don't know where to begin.


I'm going to read more before going to sleep now.

It's an addicting read.
I don't believe it should have been published, just due to its fanfiction quality, but I'm happy for the author and that she's getting something so naughty out into the public.

Once again, this is just a personal opinion and that's it.

for you, I'd do anything.

I tried not to think about it.

Constantly. I just tired to keep myself afloat.


If I'm busy, I don't have time to sit here and think. To think about things that should have been long forgotten. It's my fault. It's my fault.


He treats everyone better than me. He just does.
I ask a simple question, and I don't ever get a response. But he'll spend the time to reply to everyone else or just right to other people.

I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.

Because it's just a simple thing that I ask.


I don't ask for that much.
I'm just trying to coexist.
I'm just asking for a little help.
I'm just looking for a friend.




But I suck.




I know I'm not as pretty as the rest. And I've acted like it didn't bother me, but my acne has gotten worse. If you saw me again, I don't think you would think I was pretty or beautiful anymore, if you used to think that.

I don't know. I'm not sure how I should feel. Should I be angry, or should I cry? You would get angry if I cried. But you would think I was stupid to get angry too.


I hope you don't read this.
Because you would never tell me. And I think I would be scared what impression you have of me. I can't ever tell you my feelings because you don't care about them. You don't really want to support me either, when I would support you and help you out till the very end.

3yrs. And I'm such a loser.

But he's already labeled me as crazy. I think he's just being nice just to be nice. But I know every since he went to Japan, I've always been labeled crazy and I feel like he still does. It's not fair.

When he's the one who screwed me up.

Don't break up with someone through a chat message.
Break up with them before you go abroad. And in person.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so messed up.

I need someone to replace him. But I'm too scared to try again.

Travel&finances. What I want to do compared to what you have done.

I thought about it. I didn't really put much consideration into it, but I did think about it.

Going to Thailand.


Right now, I know this guy who is traveling around Asia for vacation this past week. He went to Thailand, and now he's in Singapore. I see his pictures and I just think that it's so amazing. Just this morning I had a notification in my Instagram (so rare, yo), and I saw that my friend Pat tagged me in an old photo of us in Japan (I posted it below) from when we used to go to the Elementary school across the street from our high school every Tuesday morning to teach English to a few classes of 1st graders. We used to sing song with them and ask them questions, and it was so cute. I got a laminated certificate too as a thank you and such. I really think this will be very useful for me in the future if it comes down to me actually having to teach English for a living. I've got hands on experience (even though it's really nothing) and proof of it.

In any case, it brought back some really good memories. So I need to hurry up and complete my new blogger page of my Japan blogs. 32 have been posted... but I still have like 40 some to go... lol

But then I talked to Pat a bit, and after she said that she wanted to meet up again, I told her about me going to HK this September. Pat is from Thailand and we spent the year in Japan together, we were in the same class. I plan on going back to Japan and she really wants to, too. And she said she would like me to come to Bangkok too. So it got me thinking....

What if I go to Thailand first from HK, then buy a ticket to Japan in Thailand? Plane tickets are much cheaper in Thailand. And going from HK to Thailand is also probably super cheap too. I thought about going to Thailand a few months ago, but now she's inviting me so I'll have a place to stay! And I want to travel so much! I want to see the world! Especially Asia! I want to take lots of pictures, I want to try lots of different kinds of food, I want to write in my blog about my adventures and experiences and all the other cool stuff I'm doing! I want to have so much experience in my life when it comes to trying new things and seeing places. This is what I want to do with my life. I don't want to stay in one place.

So, even though I have many reasons to say that it was a bad decision to choose HK over Japan for study abroad, I have just as many, if not MORE reasons to say it was a better decision to go to HK over Japan. Asia is so compacted and close, if I was in Japan I'd be cut off from all other countries unless I wanted to put my expenses towards very expensive plane flights.

HK, Thailand, Japan, Mainland China......
making new friends, visiting old friends.....

I 'm getting so excited.
I can hardly believe that this is what I'll be doing. Exploring the world... it's a dream come true ♥ I'm having so many great opportunities in my life. And a very prospective future at that. I've screwed up my last 2yrs of college, but everything is changing now. THIS IS IT.

I won't waste a single minute. I'll be discovering the cities, learning new cultures, working if I can, studying my very hardest, I mean... Everything I told myself freshman year, all the words and ideas that I have placed inside my head for motivation, all my future goals, projections, hopes, dreams; it's all coming together in this single year. This is the real me that I've aimed for for so long. I won't let anyone screw me over again. I've worked too hard for this.


Which brings me to the next topic.
My sister came to me because she's in financial trouble right now. She got into a car accident and has to pay for repairs. But she didn't have enough money to cover it... without getting caught. Kevin was driving her car as "driving training" you can say, so he's helping her cover half. But my mom gets alerted when we drop low in our banking account and she said that she needed the money tomorrow, in which her bank account would drop to $50, send out an alert, and then my parents would know about the accident.

I have no problem lending her help in giving her the $500 that she needed today. She promised to pay me back, so it's not like all the time I've spent working is going to waste on her mistake. Honestly, if I wasn't even saving for something so important to me, I would just tell her not to worry about paying me back. I mean, I do have a lot saved.

But this is where I want to go at. I hate to keep bashing on her, but I feel like it's people like this that screw up the future and opportunities for your children. No, not my sister. I'm talking about my mom. But if my sister doesn't start to think about her paychecks more wisely, she may end up the same.

It's okay if you decided to drop out of college. I'm not going to make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel like a failure just because you couldn't handle the college experience. Some people can, others well, they just can't for whatever reasons they may have. In my mom's case, I was told (from my dad) that she dropped out because she couldn't deal living with roommates who weren't like her (ex. too loud in the house etc.). Whether that's true or not, in my opinion it's a poor excuse, but okay, it just didn't work out for you. But you're life doesn't have to be a mess just because you don't have a college degree.

All my parents problems, are a result of financial issues. I'm pretty convinced of this. My mom got upset because she couldn't afford to get new tires on my sister's car and my dad refused to help pay. $700 for new tires. But this started from the past. My family did a shitty job on learning how to invest and save. All I can think about are the many times I need to hear my parents complaining about money one day or another. And so I've learned off of that, because it pissed me off.

You don't need a college education to keep yourself stable. It's when you rush into big things too fast and don't save AT ALL, and spend it on what you 'think' is important right now. But in reality, giving up a bit of your social life or just the little things you used to buy for a few months, or even working your ass off for a few months and saving most of your earnings, it will lead to something worth more than what you thought was important at that time. You screw this up for your kids if you don't consider what can happen in the future.

They can't experience college if you can't afford it, and it screw up how you live too. You can live in a house that looks like your rich if you know how to properly finance yourself. And if it gets that bad, finding another part time job won't kill you. Just suck it up for a few months.

I'm getting super negative now.
I get very passionate about this topic so I'll just stop where I'm at before I say anything worse.

On another note, I've been consistent on studying. I've been keeping up on reviews and learning new words. I actually talked to Antony a little bit in the sentences I was able to form from my new vocab. It's a really good feeling :) I can't wait until I can actually start using it every day.

The current may be tough, but there's no reason to drown if you're able to stand up straight

Wow, I am so exhausted right now. I woke up late after I passed out last night in bed with my computer, not awaking until 2:30am and realizing I did that. Didn't make myself lunch today, but that's okay 'cause I'm going to buy chocolate milk later, and now this coffee isn't doing it's purpose.

I would go to sleep like I normally do....
but yesterday, as soon as I got here I forced myself to put on Anki, get on a vocabulary list. make note cards, then study all day. And you know what? I did.

Early early early Monday morning I realized that it was June 4th. I only have less than three months. Then I saw a blog labeled "Fluent in Three Months". Now, even though the chances of that in real life, especially when we're talking about Asian languages here, fluency in three months is a joke. BUT, it is possible to be proficient in everyday conversation. So here's where I'm at.

I have a little less than three months remaining in my summer before my big trip. If I begin to take myself more seriously, I can do this. So I forced myself to do this right yesterday. I learned 50vocab words yesterday, including how to write the characters. Maybe my pronunciation is total crap, but I can master that eventually. I know the tone numbers for the words, so once I can match the tone to the number, it should be simple.

I had a few questions too, mostly about the jyutping and pronunciation for it. I understand that HK natives don't know any jyutping, but it's convenient for me to know because that's how I type Cantonese on the computer. Yes, I found a keyboard input that supports Cantonese. I downloaded it months ago, but it's super convenient to type instead of copy and pasting all the characters. But Antony has been the biggest help. Even more so grateful to know him. He's really too kind. I have questions constantly since I can't find the exact audio for certain words. And it didn't really occur to me to use LINE to get in touch with him. I didn't want to bother him too much either but now I know it's really okay :)

Maybe not many people know what LINE is. It's an app, for Android or iPhone, you know all you smart phone users. I only have my iTouch, but I love my apps ♥

Anyway, it's just like the app Whatsapp, I feel like more people know about that app more than LINE, but LINE is much more popular in Japan (after all, it was made in Japan), while Whatsapp is more like a Chinese/(possibly Europe too) thing. The other problem with Whatsapp is that it is currently not supported with the iTouch which means, if you aren't using a mobile device you can't possibly use Whatsapp. So in the end, LINE is a better solution to my problems of communication through my iTouch. Not to mention, I've met many more people who have LINE, unless they just happen to use both.

But yeah, it have a voice message option on it, so I can record a message and send it to him. I had my questions, and when text wasn't good enough to solve my problem, I sent him me saying it. He returns telling me that I'm completely wrong and he records the correct way and sends it to me. And again, he was really supportive saying again that I can message him whenever I have questions etc. He then sent me a link to some really good vocab sheets. I'm so grateful. He's probably the only person who's really supporting me through all of this, and that's something I needed. All the other people I have met aren't really helpful or talk to me as much as this guy is willing to deal with me.

And it's so unfair. Unfair that we will never get to meet in person unless I can find a way to stay in HK more than 10months. Actually, in order to meet him it'll have to be longer than a year. I think, I really think we could have been really good friends in school. He's the best person I could have ever met during my time there. There's many more students that can be as wonderful as him, but it's finding them that's hard.

He's a good guy.



My dad got upset with me yesterday. As if I haven't already said it more than once, I remind him that I'm up here working three jobs. And he got mad. He's like, "You shouldn't be working so much, you should go out with friends and do something", "Why are you working so much?", "You know you can come home for a weekend", "You sound lonely", etc etc. But he got upset with me that I'm working. I told him, "What do you expect me to do? I don't know anyone up here except for my co-workers so how am I supposed to go out with people? I'm keeping myself busy because I would be bored out of my mind otherwise. And the best way to be busy is to be making money at it too. I have nothing else to do up here but work. And if I go home I'll be bored there and do nothing. I'll be home with the dog all day for three long months because I can't find a job in PA without requiring a ride from someone which is 1) a waste of money on gas for them and 2) inconvenient for them to work around my schedule to get me to work and pick me up. There's nothing to do there or here over the summer other than WORK. And I'm not lonely because I am so busy that by the time I get home I just want my own alone time anyway before I pass out. And I am wayy to busy to deal with people when I get home."

What no one seems to realize either is that, I actually LIKE to work. It keeps me busy and it's probably the only social interaction I'd be getting all summer since you know, I DO live alone. I love my jobs. All of them. And maybe I'm just really lucky, but I also get a long with all of my co-workers. We talk all the time about random stuff, joke around, and recently my one co-worker and I at P.S. have gotten much more closer. It's a shame that I'm leaving in two months. And then, Lin's girlfriend at Yo D-sert, we joke around with each other more than enough. I feel like, 1) I'm doing a really good job there and 2) she likes me so much that she keeps telling him to keep me. And they've been teaching me more Chinese. So I always tell them that I need the washcloth or say other random things that I know in Mandarin to them. But since I was studying Cantonese all day yesterday I couldn't remember the word for "what" in Mandarin, so when they started pointing at me while they were talking in their Chinese, I yelled at them, "乜嘢 (mat ye)" in Canto. I had her repeating it lol.

I love working. I came home last night and Fumi, she's staying with me until Thursday due to her apartment problems, asks me when I get home, "Aren't you tired all the time working so many hours?" I was smiling when I walked though the door. I told her that I actually have a lot of fun at work and I love my co-workers. Either I'm just really lucky to be working with good people, or I just tend to get along with people really easily. She said she wished she had a personality like mine. My personality is nothing that great. I just think what it is is that I'm surrounded by people who are just as friendly as I am and we are super lucky to get along so well. And I love these people so much and I love working so much, that I'll always just go there just to "hang out". This past Sunday, I worked at P.S. for free for 3hours just because I had a little extra time on hand before I had to go to my other job. They appreciated the help, even though it was technically illegal for me to do and if my manager found out we'd (me and the 2 other girls in charge) would get yelled at. Soo, it's kinda a secret right now lol,,, shhh ;)

Then I made this reallyyyyy yummy curry sauce last night for my ramen and veggies. I added Half&Half into the mixture instead of water.

ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD

to top everything off.....

I found out I'm getting a raise! It's been a little over a year since I've been with P.S. and my manager said I'm up for review on a pay raise! It's a shame that I'm leaving soon but for my last month here I'll be getting paid more! AND! I just realized that I probably am getting my $8/hr here on campus! Next week I just need to ask the secretary when I pick up my next paycheck because the other two workers here said that when they asked they were actually getting paid more than what they thought! This is great!

So when you ask me why~ I'm staying here working 24/7 for the summer in Albany, it's because I like doing it and I'm making a shitload of money for HK ;)

This summer is the most productive and I feel so lucky to be surrounded with great people, great jobs, and to be enjoying every bit of it. Today is a celebration, so I'm going to buy a sandwhich at Outtakes for lunch and chocolate milk lol. Yay! Now to go back to studying!! Keep fighting!!

Control me, hold me, and tell me what you want to play

Two things:

#1


"Unreliable," she says.

What right does she have to say such bullshit. I made a mistake a few times. Why was it a few times? Because, YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW, 3WEEKS LATER. How the hell was I supposed to know I was screwing it up if you never tell us about it?

But do you have any other complaints for me? About me? No? None at all?
Who the hell drags her ass here every morning at 8am for you? Am I late? Maybe 5mins AT MOST. You still want to call me unreliable? Really? ME? UNRELIABLE??

That just makes me mad.
I work hard and you, YOU, are the only one who doesn't see that. All my co-workers at my other jobs think I work too much and then other people think I'm amazing for taking on three jobs like I am. Sure, I'm not going to say that working here is super hard or anything since I'm on the computer 90% of the time, but going so far as "unreliable" is unnecessary. I show up, do what I'm supposed to do or do unrelated things that you ask from me, and then you want to call me and everyone else here unreliable all of a sudden and you "try" to speak low into the phone enough to tell someone that you 'wish his daughter was still here working because she was oh-sooo reliable.'

I don't care enough to make it an issue other than n this blog, but you don't do much work either. We get a problem that's easily fixable and you think the day has become a disaster. We get a little more than the normal amount of customers, you call the day busy and crazy. Jesus Christ, woman! You play fb games all day on your computer, then you too fall asleep and snore away.

Calling me unreliable. That's the last thing I like to hear from anyone. Go ahead and complain about me about skills or lack of something else, but when it comes reliability, I don't fail in that. Whether it has to do with friends or work, I'm usually ALWAYS reliable. You have no right to judge me on that, especially when you don't even have any reason or evidence against me.

#2

I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I took a nap around 11pm, then woke up around 1-1:30am. Thought I'd go for sleep again at 2, but I woke up at 3:30. And then I laid there backwards in bed just listening to music. I forgot to take the garbage out, when I heard the garbage truck outside I then remembered. Oh well, next Tuesday.

As I'm sure pretty much everyone saw my status, I really did just mean it as a joke. 'Cause that's how I am. I joke about my Asian fetish all the time in public. Did I really mean I was going to go on a bunch of dates with all these guys? No. Did it mean I was going to sleep around with so many too? That's ridiculous. I'm not like that at all. Some people seriously.... I just like to joke around.

Last night I was honestly surprised with what happened.
All I did was try to get these group of people to buy some frozen yogurt, and then this guy said that to me... I wasn't sure how to respond because well... I wouldn't have expected it unless they decided to seriously want to piss me off. Why?

That's because I wear my hair up at the frozen yogurt store. I have to. And I learned to not care much anymore, even though it was really hard in the beginning to just let the thought pass through without really upsetting me. No one really realizes this. I think I even surprised my coworkers from the clothing store when they came to visit me. I'm really self-conscious about my face. Extremely self-conscious. That's why I always wear my hair down. You will rarely see a picture of me with my hair up, I have really bad acne where you can't see. And because I'm not a big fan of makeup, I can't really hide it.

So I don't expect people to say anything like, "you're pretty", or "you're really beautiful" to me, let alone ask me out, when I have my hair up. I remove the thought of such a possibility so I don't get hurt, so I don't have to think about such a chance. Doesn't it make sense?

He made my night, that's for sure. Because little by little, random people like him make me feel a little better about all these little defects I have.


As for HK, I'm a little worried about how I might act. I feel like my joking has gotten to a stage where I might seem desperate. When I Skyped with Antony the other night, I didn't expect him to be... so attractive. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea either. Because I joke about it so much, I guess it's hard to tell if I'm being serious sometimes too. What I wanted from Antony was just a really good friendship. He goes to HKBU as well, so I thought he could be my way in to HK culture and introduce me to his friends and stuff and like help me out with cellphone stuff and shopping and etc. Because he also seemed really excited to help me out too. He's always telling me to message him or Skype him whenever and he'd be happy to help me with Cantonese. We were even going over tones during our last conversation.

I never thought about looking for a boyfriend through what I did to find him. I mean, if we really did bond enough and that happened, that's great. But it wasn't my first thought or intentions. But since he's going to France for a year, that's now impossible.

But it's been too long.
It's not about sex anymore. Well.... it NEVER HAS been about sex. I don't want a relationship only for that. I wondered a little while I couldn't sleep about what it was that makes us so attractive to someone and how it becomes lost so easily. Believe it or not, it was while watching the movie 'Dumplings' where I heard a line, each said a little differently, by the married couple in the film.

I think I failed so much. And it might have led to my fall. I think back on what Jiyong would tell me. And then about last night.... thinking about freshman year, the craziness of me obtaining a boyfriend or even gaining the attention of the unattainable, Richard.....

Smiling.

"You used to smile and laugh so much."

"You're so cute when you smile."

At work, I'm really bubbly and speaking in a loud voice and have very persuasive conversations with customers to buy yogurt and joke around and laugh and smile. It's a really attractive personality. I guess, everyone likes when I smile.

Over time, I guess that smile just diminished. I frowned a lot more or just didn't smile unless I needed to. I forgot how to be interesting and funny around the people I liked. I still have my funny moments, but when I needed them to be there during the most crucial moments, that side of me wasn't there. I needed to smile and laugh more. That's how one is attractive.

It doesn't have to be the appearance (even though that is important sometimes too), but it's about how one shows his/herself. I mean.... I know there's a bad side to him too but, I still think the way he brings himself is still really attractive. I'm not really looking for a relationship just for a relationship abroad. I really, I really want to love someone than what I do now. Because it's so hard for me to get back into the jist of this. I never really felt like I was attracted to anyone in particular. So... yeah.

I really hope I can find something real when I get there. I miss enjoying the company and the feeling you have when with someone you can be more intimate with. Just even being able to cuddle is the greatest feeling in the world. Just being held in a strong hug is actually.... oh gosh...

Probably, the biggest reason why I want to fall in love again, is just to know someone cares about me just as much as I care about them. I want to be able to do everything I can for someone again. It's like one of those human emotions and needs, to need and to be needed in return. Nature's cycle.

Round and round, oh how the emotions turn.
Time to shine brighter than before, love more than before, laugh more than before....
AND smile always. That is most important, even to being happy :)

But hey, I'm optimistic ;)
And after talking to Antony, I feel more motivate to study harder.
Learning, new things, new languages, I'll find what I'm looking for. For what I'm needing.
Learning everything I am will lead me there.

Summer heat, fingers touching his skin

Taking advantage of these past two days of what I should say is, freedom from work. But not advantage in what I would be calling relaxing or what I would really like to do. Oh no, I'm cleaning. Yesterday of the kitchen, TODAY I SCRUBBED THE BATHROOM. FLOOR AND TUB, SINK AND TOILET.

I bleached it too.

It was just so scummy and if I was going to be here alone for the next two months, hell no did I want to live in that. Same with this kitchen. It was gross. Everyone had to live in a f$%^in' shit hole. Ugh. It should have been established that we each do a little something every week. I don't know who will decide to scrub the bathroom and stuff now that I'm gone. I've been the only one doing it when it really got to me and if I had extra time. But like, they don't even grab a broom and sweep the floor in the kitchen etc etc CRUMBS EVERYWHERE. I just can't live in this place another year just because of the knowledge of all the scum that resides here.

Once I get my own place to live there is no way I would let it get like this.
I'm stop ranting on that though before I get over my head.


But it's a good thing, you know? I'm not being lazy about it and I'm actually doing something more productive. Cleaning is just a good thing to do. I'll get into the living room sometime this week, maybe tomorrow. I can't play DDR in a mess either. And since I'm alone, it'll all be kept up with and won't get such a mess wince there's no one else to mess it up on me.


I became friends with my co-worker at Yo D-sert yesterday. We went on a random trip to Walmart and surprisingly we talked more than I thought we would without it being once awkward. I was really surprised because... I'm not really one for just 'clicking' with someone like that. And when she asked for my fb and phone number so soon, considering we hung out for only a day... I don't know, I guess I'm just not used to that. Either that, or it's been way too long since I've actually meet someone to be my friend in a day. Like, I meet so many new people all the time and make friends/acquaintances but like... I never gave away my phone number unless they asked me for it. And I couldn't remember the last time I actually exchanged my phone number with someone. It's always fb fb fb.

I was happy.

Such a little thing. And I felt like the best thing all day just happened.



I bought this giant can (20oz) of coffee at Walmart so I should be set on my iced coffee fix every morning to keep me awake on campus. And I get paid on Friday for working 3weeks at Yo D-sert. I'm curious on what I'm making... $500? Argh... way too low....
And finding random foods in the freezer AGAIN. Sooooo, I'm eating all the abandoned food. 0.0

As for weather-wise, I'm sure everyone here is feeling it. It's HOT.
Like really hot. I forgot what summer felt like here. But I'll be honest, it's really nice being alone here. Alone as in no roommates. I get enough social interaction at work so I'm really okay. I was a bit worried at first, but it's really good. Everything is really okay. I'm happy and I can do my own thing. I have my house/dubstep music blasting every night&day when I'm here and yeah, walking around in less clothing without worrying about men is a plus. I'm pleased. And I can cook meals, keep things clean, play DDR without feeling weird when other people stare at you (that happened a few times and it annoys me when they try to cheer me on -.-''). Just focusing on my own thing.

It's much easier to stop myself from over eating than I thought. And when I get the chance to walk, I'm always doing that. The weather is just too beautiful anymore.


There's not much to talk about in this blog, I just felt like doing it.

I need to eat... and shower.
I would really like some watermelon right now though....omgg