Control me, hold me, and tell me what you want to play

Two things:

#1


"Unreliable," she says.

What right does she have to say such bullshit. I made a mistake a few times. Why was it a few times? Because, YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW, 3WEEKS LATER. How the hell was I supposed to know I was screwing it up if you never tell us about it?

But do you have any other complaints for me? About me? No? None at all?
Who the hell drags her ass here every morning at 8am for you? Am I late? Maybe 5mins AT MOST. You still want to call me unreliable? Really? ME? UNRELIABLE??

That just makes me mad.
I work hard and you, YOU, are the only one who doesn't see that. All my co-workers at my other jobs think I work too much and then other people think I'm amazing for taking on three jobs like I am. Sure, I'm not going to say that working here is super hard or anything since I'm on the computer 90% of the time, but going so far as "unreliable" is unnecessary. I show up, do what I'm supposed to do or do unrelated things that you ask from me, and then you want to call me and everyone else here unreliable all of a sudden and you "try" to speak low into the phone enough to tell someone that you 'wish his daughter was still here working because she was oh-sooo reliable.'

I don't care enough to make it an issue other than n this blog, but you don't do much work either. We get a problem that's easily fixable and you think the day has become a disaster. We get a little more than the normal amount of customers, you call the day busy and crazy. Jesus Christ, woman! You play fb games all day on your computer, then you too fall asleep and snore away.

Calling me unreliable. That's the last thing I like to hear from anyone. Go ahead and complain about me about skills or lack of something else, but when it comes reliability, I don't fail in that. Whether it has to do with friends or work, I'm usually ALWAYS reliable. You have no right to judge me on that, especially when you don't even have any reason or evidence against me.

#2

I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I took a nap around 11pm, then woke up around 1-1:30am. Thought I'd go for sleep again at 2, but I woke up at 3:30. And then I laid there backwards in bed just listening to music. I forgot to take the garbage out, when I heard the garbage truck outside I then remembered. Oh well, next Tuesday.

As I'm sure pretty much everyone saw my status, I really did just mean it as a joke. 'Cause that's how I am. I joke about my Asian fetish all the time in public. Did I really mean I was going to go on a bunch of dates with all these guys? No. Did it mean I was going to sleep around with so many too? That's ridiculous. I'm not like that at all. Some people seriously.... I just like to joke around.

Last night I was honestly surprised with what happened.
All I did was try to get these group of people to buy some frozen yogurt, and then this guy said that to me... I wasn't sure how to respond because well... I wouldn't have expected it unless they decided to seriously want to piss me off. Why?

That's because I wear my hair up at the frozen yogurt store. I have to. And I learned to not care much anymore, even though it was really hard in the beginning to just let the thought pass through without really upsetting me. No one really realizes this. I think I even surprised my coworkers from the clothing store when they came to visit me. I'm really self-conscious about my face. Extremely self-conscious. That's why I always wear my hair down. You will rarely see a picture of me with my hair up, I have really bad acne where you can't see. And because I'm not a big fan of makeup, I can't really hide it.

So I don't expect people to say anything like, "you're pretty", or "you're really beautiful" to me, let alone ask me out, when I have my hair up. I remove the thought of such a possibility so I don't get hurt, so I don't have to think about such a chance. Doesn't it make sense?

He made my night, that's for sure. Because little by little, random people like him make me feel a little better about all these little defects I have.


As for HK, I'm a little worried about how I might act. I feel like my joking has gotten to a stage where I might seem desperate. When I Skyped with Antony the other night, I didn't expect him to be... so attractive. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea either. Because I joke about it so much, I guess it's hard to tell if I'm being serious sometimes too. What I wanted from Antony was just a really good friendship. He goes to HKBU as well, so I thought he could be my way in to HK culture and introduce me to his friends and stuff and like help me out with cellphone stuff and shopping and etc. Because he also seemed really excited to help me out too. He's always telling me to message him or Skype him whenever and he'd be happy to help me with Cantonese. We were even going over tones during our last conversation.

I never thought about looking for a boyfriend through what I did to find him. I mean, if we really did bond enough and that happened, that's great. But it wasn't my first thought or intentions. But since he's going to France for a year, that's now impossible.

But it's been too long.
It's not about sex anymore. Well.... it NEVER HAS been about sex. I don't want a relationship only for that. I wondered a little while I couldn't sleep about what it was that makes us so attractive to someone and how it becomes lost so easily. Believe it or not, it was while watching the movie 'Dumplings' where I heard a line, each said a little differently, by the married couple in the film.

I think I failed so much. And it might have led to my fall. I think back on what Jiyong would tell me. And then about last night.... thinking about freshman year, the craziness of me obtaining a boyfriend or even gaining the attention of the unattainable, Richard.....

Smiling.

"You used to smile and laugh so much."

"You're so cute when you smile."

At work, I'm really bubbly and speaking in a loud voice and have very persuasive conversations with customers to buy yogurt and joke around and laugh and smile. It's a really attractive personality. I guess, everyone likes when I smile.

Over time, I guess that smile just diminished. I frowned a lot more or just didn't smile unless I needed to. I forgot how to be interesting and funny around the people I liked. I still have my funny moments, but when I needed them to be there during the most crucial moments, that side of me wasn't there. I needed to smile and laugh more. That's how one is attractive.

It doesn't have to be the appearance (even though that is important sometimes too), but it's about how one shows his/herself. I mean.... I know there's a bad side to him too but, I still think the way he brings himself is still really attractive. I'm not really looking for a relationship just for a relationship abroad. I really, I really want to love someone than what I do now. Because it's so hard for me to get back into the jist of this. I never really felt like I was attracted to anyone in particular. So... yeah.

I really hope I can find something real when I get there. I miss enjoying the company and the feeling you have when with someone you can be more intimate with. Just even being able to cuddle is the greatest feeling in the world. Just being held in a strong hug is actually.... oh gosh...

Probably, the biggest reason why I want to fall in love again, is just to know someone cares about me just as much as I care about them. I want to be able to do everything I can for someone again. It's like one of those human emotions and needs, to need and to be needed in return. Nature's cycle.

Round and round, oh how the emotions turn.
Time to shine brighter than before, love more than before, laugh more than before....
AND smile always. That is most important, even to being happy :)

But hey, I'm optimistic ;)
And after talking to Antony, I feel more motivate to study harder.
Learning, new things, new languages, I'll find what I'm looking for. For what I'm needing.
Learning everything I am will lead me there.

Summer heat, fingers touching his skin

Taking advantage of these past two days of what I should say is, freedom from work. But not advantage in what I would be calling relaxing or what I would really like to do. Oh no, I'm cleaning. Yesterday of the kitchen, TODAY I SCRUBBED THE BATHROOM. FLOOR AND TUB, SINK AND TOILET.

I bleached it too.

It was just so scummy and if I was going to be here alone for the next two months, hell no did I want to live in that. Same with this kitchen. It was gross. Everyone had to live in a f$%^in' shit hole. Ugh. It should have been established that we each do a little something every week. I don't know who will decide to scrub the bathroom and stuff now that I'm gone. I've been the only one doing it when it really got to me and if I had extra time. But like, they don't even grab a broom and sweep the floor in the kitchen etc etc CRUMBS EVERYWHERE. I just can't live in this place another year just because of the knowledge of all the scum that resides here.

Once I get my own place to live there is no way I would let it get like this.
I'm stop ranting on that though before I get over my head.


But it's a good thing, you know? I'm not being lazy about it and I'm actually doing something more productive. Cleaning is just a good thing to do. I'll get into the living room sometime this week, maybe tomorrow. I can't play DDR in a mess either. And since I'm alone, it'll all be kept up with and won't get such a mess wince there's no one else to mess it up on me.


I became friends with my co-worker at Yo D-sert yesterday. We went on a random trip to Walmart and surprisingly we talked more than I thought we would without it being once awkward. I was really surprised because... I'm not really one for just 'clicking' with someone like that. And when she asked for my fb and phone number so soon, considering we hung out for only a day... I don't know, I guess I'm just not used to that. Either that, or it's been way too long since I've actually meet someone to be my friend in a day. Like, I meet so many new people all the time and make friends/acquaintances but like... I never gave away my phone number unless they asked me for it. And I couldn't remember the last time I actually exchanged my phone number with someone. It's always fb fb fb.

I was happy.

Such a little thing. And I felt like the best thing all day just happened.



I bought this giant can (20oz) of coffee at Walmart so I should be set on my iced coffee fix every morning to keep me awake on campus. And I get paid on Friday for working 3weeks at Yo D-sert. I'm curious on what I'm making... $500? Argh... way too low....
And finding random foods in the freezer AGAIN. Sooooo, I'm eating all the abandoned food. 0.0

As for weather-wise, I'm sure everyone here is feeling it. It's HOT.
Like really hot. I forgot what summer felt like here. But I'll be honest, it's really nice being alone here. Alone as in no roommates. I get enough social interaction at work so I'm really okay. I was a bit worried at first, but it's really good. Everything is really okay. I'm happy and I can do my own thing. I have my house/dubstep music blasting every night&day when I'm here and yeah, walking around in less clothing without worrying about men is a plus. I'm pleased. And I can cook meals, keep things clean, play DDR without feeling weird when other people stare at you (that happened a few times and it annoys me when they try to cheer me on -.-''). Just focusing on my own thing.

It's much easier to stop myself from over eating than I thought. And when I get the chance to walk, I'm always doing that. The weather is just too beautiful anymore.


There's not much to talk about in this blog, I just felt like doing it.

I need to eat... and shower.
I would really like some watermelon right now though....omgg

to know you're still there.

I got my grades back.
I failed a class... well, whatever a D is.

But I'm done with grades now. My last year of college, I ended it with a 3.08.

Not the best, but I'm glad I didn't drop to a 2.something. I would have really hated that. But It would have been great to keep my 3.1. It was my fault for making poor decisions on choosing my minor and not trying hard enough. But that's fine. I knew I would fail that one class. It was really unavoidable. It was really hard and I was always asking for help. I chose a terrible minor. Linguistics, we just aren't meant to be together after all.


It's been a week now.
I'm tired of this shit already. I spent all day Wednesday creating my blog for HK, and I think I got it down right now. I made a header. It was hard to get the proportions right though and lots of trial and error occurred so it makes sense when I decided to make my Japan Exchange blog header yesterday morning that it was much faster to complete than it was Wednesday. If you'd like to take a look at both blogs, go for it. I have nothing written in my HK one yet though, I'll be starting on it sometime in August, and I'm gradually adding all my Japan Exchange blogs to this new one. I posted 13 yesterday, today I'm at 21. I'm tired of seeing Blogger in my tabs for the day.

natasha-in-hk-2012.blogspot.com
lovingjapan0809.blogspot.com

But I woke up this morning, ready to take a shower, and I stood to the side for a second and caught a glimpse of me through the mirror. My cabbage salads everyday for lunch are starting to show more. Did I mention my diet?

Breakfast: small bowl of cereal w/ soy milk.
Lunch: small tupperware full of cabbage salad I prepare for myself topped with diced veggies, egg, and chicken.
Dinner: unknown.

I recently started with half a can of tomato soup. But sometimes it's ramen. Most of the time I'm just too tired to bother and eat nothing.
Probably not good, and I'm not proud of that.
Yesterday I had a lot of fruit though that was left over from work (bubble&yogurt place) for supper.

But considering I realized I'm not going to make my goal by July 21st, the less I eat, the less electricity I use, the more money I can save.
I hate how my priority is something so artificial. I just keep telling myself, "it's only two months. Then it's all worth it."
Which is true. Not only because of the future, but what am I going to do with myself for two months anyway? Ah, who cares anyway. Cabbage is good for you. So is cereal. And all I have to think about is how people used to live way back when. Like hunters and gatherers. They couldn't find food all the time. Besides, food is a temptation. If anyone knows me, I eat like a horse. I DON'T STOP. So, this is good practice to stop eating so much. Luckily I didn't become as fat as I should be. Not that I'm fat anyway.
I've felt less hungry recently anyway. My body is either becoming adjusted to the change in calorie intake or well... I'm exhausted.

But two months.
Friday is the last day Aybun and his girlfriend will be at the apartment. Shigeru left Wednesday while Ruhi left on Monday. Then I'm alone. For good. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the loneliness.

That's okay, I'll just learn to sleep at 11 or something instead of staying up till like.... 2am.

$9,000 new goal?
Never.
But more attainable.

128lbs?
It's happening. 

I'm trying to speak Chinese at work sometimes too at the yogurt&bubble tea place. I don't remember that many words but it's fun to try and make concrete sentences. They always correct me too. Yesterday I tried to say "there's a lot in that bowl." I came out with "那个碗太了", but I forgot the "多". So she didn't understand me at all hahaa. At least the four hours go fast there unlike at the clothing store and... campus. The days are moving fast though. Before I know it, it'll be July. Then I'll only have three weeks left of Albany and working. The days are going fast just because I am so busy. The day I can be 'home' and sit outside with my dog.... no, I want to take her for a walk every morning. The month I can walk my dog every morning, that sounds... nice. I won't want to be home, but I'll want to get out as much as possible because I can't be trapped there again like I usually am. It's not like they keep me there, but there really is nothing to do since I don't drive and well.... like I said in my last two blogs... I don't have friends back home anymore. So, going home doesn't have a purpose for me in reality.

I'm a traveler.
Friends don't tend to stick around....
and speaking of that....
I had a dream about her two nights ago. We were all happy and just having fun with other people too. But I haven't heard anything from her at all. I feel like she parted from everyone. And I was afraid to ask my other friend because... last time I did, it really did seem like some kind of hatred was there. And I don't want to make it seem like I favor one over the other....
I want to send her an email asking if she got my letter. But I was afraid that I'm being too annoying. And I don't want to be annoying to her. It'll just make me seem desperate. But we... I don't understand. How long ago did I send her that NYC snow globe? Wasn't it like, four months ago...? But this is just so sudden. I had a dream that I saw her again in Japan though. They say when you dream about people it just means that you miss them a lot. It doesn't have any future predictions. So I sent another email anyway yesterday afternoon, wondering if she received my letter. I really do miss her.

Then just before I went to sleep yesterday, I checked my email and she actually wrote back! I was so happy, because that means everything is okay and stuff. It was such a relief and she said she was so happy to get my letter too... but as I remember what I wrote... it was such a terrible "お久しぶり" letter. Because I seemed so sad and confused in it. But she's writing me back! I'm so excited! It's been awhile since my last foreign letter (other than Connie's postcard which I love so much too), another to add to the box! I'm really really happy. :) :) :) :)

ios 5.1.1 untethered came out today!! I've been waiting forever for the damn thing. I need to have Anki on my itouch :( Easier to study. yayyyyy!!!!

Finally in, and application status is: ACCEPTED :D

(HKBU)

Today was kinda special, not that it was any more special since I knew already.

I received an email this morning about my acceptance into HKBU. It's official guys, I'm on my way. I need to be there September 5th for sure because of orientation but I can move in on the 3rd. Which I really want to do but.... I don't want to feel rushed. So I want to arrive on the 2nd.... I need to find somewhere to stay for a day.

I plan to talk to Anthony more. We're going to Skype later tonight, so maybe if I get to know him better, well I don't know. See what happens I guess. But it's just super useful knowing him better. That's what I mean. Like, that's why I want to come on the 2nd of September instead of the 3rd. Because I want to be able to throw my stuff in my dorm and then get right onto everything else. Like buying my bedding and all that other stuff that I need for my room. But if I arrive on the 3rd, I'll still feel out of it not only from the plane flight but just because of me being in a completely new environment. I still remember how I was when I first arrived in Japan. I really needed a day to fix myself. It wasn't jet lag, I was just so overwhelmed with being in the country of my dreams oh, and that's what the main thing was, JAPANESE.

If anyone has experienced traveling abroad to a country in a completely different language and trying your best to talk with them in their native language, you can agree with me on how it just takes the energy right out of you when you try to concentrate too hard to try to communicate.

But yeah, so I wanna get a little experience in before anything.

I.... mmm.... yeah...
I have so much I want to say right now. But I feel like even though this is a blog for everything of me, I feel like my right to say certain things is just fading away. I realized something that makes me just confused. It hurts.

But how could I explain it without offending anyone, or making myself sound... not the way I want to appear?

Forget itt.
It's alright. I'll get over it.
I've learned to give things patience. And patience has come to a point where I've learned to just not care anymore. Well, most of the time.

All I know now is that, I don't have a right to do some of the things I used to do. It makes for a wrong situation. And I realize that. I can't say that it stops temptation, however, that's how it is. The longer I stay in this place the harder it is to just... do anything about myself. I need a new environment fast. I need what I had in Japan. If I was stuck here forever in Albany, no, even if I was stuck here for my final year in Albany, I would be a mess.

I can't stand this place anymore. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this country. I need to abandon everything.

And the sad part of most of that is, it's all true.
Once I leave here, the same thing will happen again as it had in Japan. I lost touch with everyone. For those reading this, I really mean no harm in it. It's just how I am. I prefer to leave everything I've known behind. I think that's why I hate staying in one place for too long. Being at home was just that, Albany has now become that. Maybe if I didn't live in an apartment I'd feel a little different about that, but now things have become normal, it has become the norm, an everyday thing. And I hate that. I can't focus. I get impatient.

I'm just saying how it is.
I accept this. Like I've must have said before, I lose lots of friends because of my lack of communication. And that is my own fault. But when I think if change, I think of abandoning the norm. Drifting away from what was there, what I've had, who I knew. It's not like I want to forget anyone in my life, or drift so far away that we've become strangers. I just like the feeling of fresh and new. Something new I need to fight for, or like something new that I need to overcome.

Leave me in a place for too long with the same old bullshit and I get lost in thought. I get lost in myself. Not a good thing sometimes. I think that's why working on campus here everyday Mon-Fri for 8hrs really feels like kill and suffocation and that I can't accomplish anything, even study unless I seriously force myself. So right now, I really want to apologize for whatever happens in the future. My relationships that I have made within these past three years might not exist while I'm abroad. I do realize that Facebook has made things much easier to communicate with everyone and when I was in Japan, I was still a MySpace user. As we all know MySpace did not have the same functions as status updates and liking and posting pictures as FB does. So I guess by appearing every so often in commenting or liking a status, I'll still be existing to everyone as well as keeping in as much contact as I can.

It sounds selfish, but I'm not acting out of selfishness. I just have a habit of unintentionally ignoring people when I'm discovering new things. Or well.... I tend to ignore those far away when I'm enjoying my life. As you can tell, it's not really that 'exciting' or 'joyful' right now. I even hardly used FB freshman year, if anyone really remembers that far back. Because it was all new to me and I was enjoying my life with new people, new places, just a number of NEW things and experiences.

I can't wait for that life again :)
So much more exciting now, kyaaaaa~~


I guess I just found a lot of really good Canto-pop songs, downloaded a bunch of stuff. It's been awhile for that. And there's this one movie I want to watch sooo badly, but there's no English subs for it yet. It's called, "浮城大亨" (A Hundred Years Of A Floating City). It looks really sad and emotional, just like "東風破" was, except this is like serious. I'll post the trailer so you can see for yourself. That has English subs. Watch the trailer. You'd want to see it too, right? :)

In any case, life keeps changing. My life too. And it's just something we need to continue dealing with for the rest of our lives. It's taking me too long sometimes, but that's the great thing about life. We make mistakes and learn how to fix them, we learn from everything.

We don't have to be scared

I went for a walk with Ruhi today.
We walked around Albany as usual but this was much more further than anywhere else we have gone. We went down to the river, I showed her 'The Palace', and then we walked home. But we went the wrong way... kinda.

We ended up in a super poor area. I've never seen such an area before in my life. I see it on TV or I hear or read about it, but never in my life have I actually experienced being inside this area, alone, and scared because it kept getting darker and darker with no way out. It was 8pm.

The people who were out were dirty, so many children, boarded buildings, sketchy alleyways, destroyed homes... it was poor. Honestly, I wasn't so sure what would happen to us if we were stuck there. We walked up an alleyway and as I past one home, a man walked out and stared at us as we walked out. A taxi came by and I was almost tempted to take it, and it stopped for us, but I moved it along.

I'm glad though.


I'm glad that I was able to experience this. Because it's not that I was ignorant, I just had no idea that this is what the ghetto is. This is what actually being scared is that something bad CAN actually happen to you. But the environment was so sad as well, I just couldn't possibly imagine what kind of living situation that is. Or what it's like. I was stunned to be walking the street like this.

What was even more stunning was how fast it was to get back to the rich area. We honestly thought we'd have to walk all the way back downtown to get anywhere safe before there was no more light, but then we saw these stairs in the trees leading up. This area was literally boarder line. It wasn't even a gradually moving into poverty type of thing. It just happened once you went down a hill. It was so depressing that something so close could be right there. It made me feel terrible about how the city of Albany was handling this type of issue.

What I have here are two pictures. The one of the taxi doesn't do enough just as to what I have seen tonight and I would have taken more but I was afraid to create too much attention when we need to get out. The boarded homes are what is something beautiful to me, and I'd love to go back in the daytime to take pictures. But I'd need a guy with me anyway. The second is of the stairs we found.

But I also wished I stayed a little bit longer or ventured deeper into this poverty. I know it's scary and risky... but I want to understand this better. I'm so.... confused I guess. I want to know more about the living conditions, I want to understand what it's like to live there, I want to know what the community is like... I just want to stand in it and take it all in.


I feel like tonight gave me the biggest wake up call.
I want to wake up more though. There's so much about society that I don't understand. There's so much about the level of classes that we live in. I know little of the poor. I feel like I need to know more. I want to go back. I want to know why we really are so scared. And I want to understand their fear too.

Birds waking up, we work till night.

I'll probably be posting a lot more of considering it's summer vacation and I don't have much to do at work/home. Especially now... what was supposed to be me and Ruhi.... well, now that's only me.

What happened is that Ruhi had to cancel her summer classes and is moving back home now for the summer. She said she'd come back every so often because she can't stay with her family for such a long period of time but, for the most part, this apartment will be empty. I mean that too. I work pretty much all day. Leave at 7:30am, then I don't come back until 10pm. And the only freedom I'll truly have are on Sundays since the mall closes at 6. If I get any free time, it'll be Sundays after 7.

Not that I really care. I actually like having the apartment to myself. Last summer I had some of that and it was great to just blast my techno or dubstep music in the house. And I did what I wanted to. But sure, every so often I'd like to have some company I guess. But it really doesn't matter because I feel like whatever time I do get, I'll want it to myself anyway. I think I'll just be using Skype a lot now. Or that MR.&Ms. Smith app to talk to Japanese strangers.. or Skype with the new HK friends I made and speak Canto. I don't know. But....

In a way this is also a good thing. I can't get distracted. This summer is super important to me. So concentration is key. Being alone will be a good thing.


I went for dinner with James Thursday night. He's going into the army for two years now, that mandatory thing for Koreans, and I felt like I had to see him off. He was really nice to me too. But I said my goodbyes and watched him leave my apartment at 1:30am... but I was happy to be the last text he would receive in America. I asked him if he was still in the airport, he replied back saying he was on the plane. But after I texted back, he must have been gone. He mentioned at dinner he had some regrets during the year. I just hope, liking me wasn't one of them.


At work we were talking about muscles and workouts and people who look disgusting if they lose too much weight or gain 6packs and stuff. I like the idea of women having a toned body, well, at least their stomachs. And that's what I want. I think it's really attractive to see a girl have a really toned lower body and with the hourglass waist. I'm not looking for perfection, but as I see it now, I have...... lol, a stomach. I don't know what I should be doing exactly to tone out, but I did 100 crutches last night before passing out in front of my computer. I can feel burning... it's been so long since I've done them. But it was a rewarding feeling afterwards. And then on workout mode on DDR, I'll play until I've ran an equivalent of 10miles (~460cal.). And then.... starting tonight.... I'll finally put squats into my daily routine. I've constantly heard Chen tell me about it, even to the point where he sent me a picture.... but he's right. And then, okay, this is going to sound weird, but then recently I started comparing my co-workers' to mine. And he's right even more! My ass is just so... FLAT and unshaped.

I just want to do something with myself. Be better in appearance. Be better as a person. Feel a little more confident. Be a little smarter. That's why this summer is so important. I don't want to have to worry about why I can't do this or that, so I work. I want to be more healthier, so I eat vegetables and drink soy milk most of my day. I want to be able to make someone stand out, so I do my best to improve my outer appearance. I want to be able to have someone say I'm the best thing that happened to them, so I fix my way of thinking.

You're not supposed to change for someone. That's just not how it's supposed to work. If they can't like who you are, then they aren't worth it, right?

I know that.

I just want to find someone knowing I could find anyone. Just because I'm in Asia... just because I'm a white girl... I don't want that. If I had to dislike something in particular about myself, it would probably have to be my obsession over Asia. Asia is great and all, the languages are beautiful, especially when written, the cultures and traditions are fantastic, but like... when it comes to my life, I don't know what say. I think I'm just angry that I want to be inside the community so much, but that's something I can never have.

I'm white.

I can marry a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Korean guy, a Thai guy, whatever. But I'll never be a part of that word. It would be different if say I married a Russian guy, a French guy, or a German guy. I learn the language, learn the customs, and work. And they probably wouldn't know the difference. But I'm so different in Asia. Forget the advantages. I can't blend in. And that's all I want. Sure, sometimes it's nice to get special attention, especially from guys, but I want to be treated all the same. I don't want that again when I was in Japan. Sitting in the classroom, girls from the other classes running up to the window just to see you and hope you wave back. Then giggle off all excited.

Yeah, you're the American. You're suddenly a special guest.

You get the weird looks when you're out shopping by yourself. Then the ones who need to speak to you in English because they think you don't understand shit.

I don't blame them. This is all stereotypical in a way. But you don't understand.

I love Asia. I really do. But I love it so much that I don't want to be any different than any other local. But I will always be judged and looked at. Because I want to live in Asia too, whether that be HK or Japan. And eventually I'll be married. And then I'll have a child. Pushing a stroller or walking around with my son/daughter who looks more Asian than myself, there will be those who judge me.

But that's the life I've chosen.
I've chosen to try to blend into this society to the best of my ability.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
enough with all the sad stuff. I have work all day today, no time to be sad.

I started to create my blog for HK. I'm actually going out of my way and creating a banner. Well, other than studying and watching movies all day there's nothing else to do, lol. It looked cool the first one I made but then it got deleted :( Oh well..

From here on, I'll probably start posting earlier in the day since I seem to be passing out every night. It might be tough now, but the future is well worth it. That's what I have to keep thinking. Keep thinking forward, keep thinking positive, I might say I should have done things differently last year, but it was all for this moment. This moment in 4months.

Check it out, 107days left. 

107days to study.
107days to get fit.
107days until I get to experience a new life again :)
in a city full of Asians.

You probably deserved a chance

I'm writing this now because I feel like I'm going to forget everything of what I'm feeling right now if I wait until tomorrow. He moved me. And maybe, if he'd done it sooner.... things would be different.

Now I just feel the guilt, of not returning anything.



I took my last final for the rest of my time here at UA. But I had to go to work at 12 (where I am now) and I didn't want to stick around him anyway. I could feel awkward with him so easily. So I left the exam early at 11:30, and he took me to the PAC (Performing Arts Center) into a small piano room that I didn't even know existed. And he played me a song. Well, two songs, the first I knew but he gave up halfway not remembering the rest. Then he played me a song he'd been practicing. And that's why I went.

Because he went through the trouble of remembering how to play this song, and he practiced. Because he wanted to say goodbye. And if I denied seeing him, I can image the hurt. Because you try so hard for one moment, you know?

I wanted to make him happy if for at least satisfying a single moment, even though the last words I said to him were the worst..


He played me a piano piece called "It's Hard To Say Goodbye" by Micheal Ortega. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXVlQJ8eFgE

I'm listening to it on youtube as we speak, because it's an amazing but really sad song. I don't know... but I like it. But watching him play it, even with his mistakes, it was much more enjoyable than hearing it here on youtube. And I felt guilty. Because, it's been a over a year.

He told me straight out that he knew I knew he liked me all this time. I smiled and nodded, "I know". And he said, "because of that, I just had to do this one last thing to say goodbye or else it just wouldn't have felt right."

I understood completely.

So I tried to waste some time with him afterward, joke around and look for this weird room in the PAC that I've heard of before finally going to work. I was afraid he'd ask for a goodbye kiss or try anything.
But he didn't. And I think because of that, I felt worse.

I'm not feeling down or anything or depressed. What I mean is like, just this ache in your heart type of thing because you know that he could have been special. Or that, well, all he wanted all this time, ever since Valentine's Day last year or longer... just to make me happy. And I also feel like I've left my last year here at UA... unsatisfied.

I'll admit, I didn't have the time or the money willing to spend on any relationship this year. I might have wanted one but, due to other events and for that reason alone, I prevented myself and only focused on saving for HK. But really, is that even as important? You can save all the money in the world and be able to travel and do things but, but what about yourself? I'm... unsatisfied.

My happiest time was freshman year, and since then I feel like I've just wasted time here in this school. What have I accomplished, really? That's the problem. I never was able to do anything because there was no one to look forward to, I just did what I had to do.


So I guess, I feel like maybe I should have sucked it up and gave him a part of my life, for the one year I could. He played me a song.

I wonder why that always has to happen for me to want someone now.
But I want to say thank you, Jiyong. I really appreciated it.

Stop it. I want you to thunder for a better reason.

I started my new job today, and I felt kinda awkward at first, because I didn't know the girls and they all seemed friends with each other. Okay, it was me and two other girls but then we all got along. It was really slow at noon until around 2 or 3, then we had customers coming in and it was fun. The other guy there who owns the place, he told me to call him "10", he was experimenting on making bubble tea so he was having us sample all his milk tea, taro, and then a passion fruit flavor bubble tea.

They are giving me more days, even if it's only 4hr shifts most of the time so far. But it's all in cash which means NO TAX :) and I think I'm getting $8/hr which is great for people like me. It's 75cents more than minimum wage, hell I'll take that.

I don't have to worry about Mandarin anymore, leaving me to complete freedom. The people who work there though are mostly all Chinese, so I'm hearing Mandarin CONSTANTLY, and so I try to pick words out. It's fun, but the one girl I met today is HK-born American, and she said she'd teach me any kind of Cantonese I want. When I learn to form sentences I'm totally going to give it a go. She's so nice. They're all so nice, we were talking and having fun and yeah. It's great :) An Asian environment, my environment lol, so racist lol.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I don't know what I want to say. I kinda, wanted to see him again. I don't know why.
I just really did.

I know I'm okay.
There's nothing really holding me back, making my decisions like they used to. I'm my own person, I have my own experiences, I have my own associations. I feel a lot better than I used to.

But I don't know. I miss complaining to someone like I used to and be told to 'shuttup' or something, then being tickled about it. Not in a relationship way. I don't know. It's a complicated feeling.
I don't know how I feel about the truth. That is, how should I put it... the unexpected. The wish in the heart but hitting a wall when it comes true. It's a little uncertainty about myself. How do I say it...
I worry.


I know what I would do.
What I can do.
What I'm stupid enough to do.
What I want to do.

But I also know that I'm beyond this.
I can escape this.
I can do better with myself.


Well,
I couldn't see him.
I just do hope I can again in four months.
I don't know why. I don't know what I want from him anymore.
But there's just something that makes me want to care.

haha.... gosh, I just keep losing.


They say, you always try to find someone just like them, you know? You end up becoming attracted to the musicians, the wide&fatter men, etc.etc. People just like them.

I guess I'm going in that direction too. I went after William only because he was from HK... then I realized he still wasn't what I was looking for. I sometimes think that's the only reason I'm going to HK... and I don't want to hear anymore lectures from anyone. I know whatever it is I'm doing is a bad idea, but none of it was intentional. If it was intentional, that would be terrible.
I just swung in that direction.
I mean, I have other reasons, but one comes from another and so on and so forth.

So in the end, whatever it is I've been looking for in him, I was hoping to find it from another HK guy I guess. That's why no one here could grab me, I then decided not to bother with them and ended all conversations. Wasn't ready.
They didn't have what I needed.
And I don't know why I think I can find it there.
Isn't going there a bad idea?
It's a bad idea, isn't it?

These four months, are going to be the slowest days.


I don't know.


I'm so stuck in the past.
It's not fair that I can't move on.

It's not fair that he has something that I can't find anywhere else.
It's not fair.

I don't want to want him anyway.
Why should I?
After all, that's a stupid thought.
Then again, it's not a stupid thought.
Wasting a thought on him is stupid.

But the little things make me happy.
So when i think about that, I don't know, his nose and smile,
when he used to smile to me. That little stuff made me happy.
The way he'd ignore me too, but then looked at me for a split second.

It's funny when you wonder where everything goes.
It's funny, you know?

I don't know why I'm going off like this.
I haven't talked about it for awhile anyway.
Maybe it needed to come out again.
Overdue.

Just let this slide.
This is just thoughts, and stuff. Things I want to say,
but I don't want to be lectured or comforted by friends.
There's no comfort in that.
Sometimes, you just need to say it.
And eventually you'll be okay.

Meet me there

Well, it's a new summer. After Thursday afternoon. I know I decided to study Cantonese like my life depended on it (which it kinda does), but it's not good enough. I mean, for one thing, I'm working on campus for eight hours Mon-Fri. That's a lot. Even if I sleep the first hour or two, I still have six more hours to waste. And when I say waste, that really is what I do. I don't want to waste my summer. I want to be as productive as possible. And... I really want to read a book.

I want to be one of those people who reads books over the summer.

But I'm really picky about my books, you know? It's hard for me to get interested in a specific story. Like, it really has to be good for me to be interested and read it to the end. But then I thought about all those Japanese novels in my room going to waste.

So I came up with this plan.
Read one of my Japanese Twilight novels this summer. That not only fills the gap of feeling the need to read, but also I'll be studying. I can study a whole bunch of new vocab words everyday too. So this way I'll have Cantonese and Japanese study during those 8 hours at work.
Good plan, right?

I also just met this guy who goes to HKBU :)
I found him through my postcard app and he seems so nice and was willing to help me out and stuff. We were even talking about finding a part time job and how he was happy to hear that I wanted one. 'Cause he said "usually all exchange students just want to travel around and stuff when abroad", and he kinda made me feel a little bit more special. Because I'm not there for just fun. Of course not. It's my last year, I need to get serious, and working in the country will help me learn so much more so much faster. Think about it, the more you associate yourself in the community the faster it is to pick up customs and language skills. Not only that, you get to meet a variety of people and maybe you might just find meet someone who can help you find a permanent job. Working can give you so many great personal experiences and opportunities and better yet, who else can say,"yeah, I worked in a local store while abroad"? I want to work so badly and I'll do It one way or the other. I know I'll find somewhere.

Which also gives me more motivation to learn Cantonese fast over this summer break. The more I know once I get there, the easier it will be to get hired. I know it's going to be hard to begin with, but I'll have people to help me out, I won't be alone.

I've also found another guy willing to teach me. I woke up thus morning and he left me a voice message on LINE saying "jou san" and it's meaning. I knew that word already but I appreciated it nonetheless, especially since it helps me with tones.
And it was really really cute... to wake up to that... :)


And, I haven't really talked about this, but maybe I should. It's been on my mind, and well.... it bothers me more and more. It's kinda a scary feeling, but there's nothing to be scared about at all. Because, it's just supposed to happen. Whether it's avoidable or not, you can try your hardest to keep what you have, what you can salvage or restore.... but then you lose it. I'm afraid of that again. Because something that is so important to you is lost.

I sent out my letter last week. I had to, how could I keep putting it off and wait for an email that will never come? Because I felt like that's what I have been doing.Waiting. Again.
I wonder when my patience will finally cave in. Or maybe I'm so patience because I carry too much hope in my heart. Hope is so deadly.
They tell you to keep believing, and not to lose hope.
I'm a natural at it.



So I sent my letter. But it's been a week now. And I haven't gotten a response. Was I wrong?
Was I wrong to send that letter? Is she really that busy maybe? So busy that she could never respond to a single email of mine.... for over a month.
I was patience. I really was.

And so my letter was a little sad.
I didn't know what we have become now. And I mentioned that, but not as blunt and obvious. But I miss her too. But all I've been feeling is the abandonment. Am I not that friend that I thought we were? I miss talking to her. I miss the friendship, the one person I truly wanted to be friends with. We have so much in common.. I can't understand that maybe she would be so self-centered.

And that's what happens.
I blamed myself a lot because I thought she was someone who I could tell anything to, and that she'd be able to give a pretty solid opinion or well.... I just thought I was able to talk to her about certain things. And now I feel like I was wrong. I opened up my big mouth, dumped my problems and thoughts into emails in the past. But she never said anything negative about it so I was so confused. I didn't know I should have stopped.
But I was foolish, I should have known better.



I don't know if it was obvious... but I hate losing things that are important to me. Most of the time those things are people.

But that's the life of a traveler, I suppose. I try to think of it as, getting to meet so many different people, making new connections, etc. etc. But most importantly, making new friends.
Either I just found the wrong person or.. my life of a traveler is that who goes his/her own way, making brief appearances in everyone's' lives. I tried to keep this friendship since I've lost so many in the past because of my ventures. She was a really special person to me... but now what?

But I'm still waiting for a response, even now. And I'll just keep waiting.


Back to DDR nights.
I have to lose these extra pounds I gained.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number

Yesterday we had our presentation for my Chinese Drama class. In all honestly, I didn't think we did that great of a job. But everyone loved us! They laughed a lot, and applauded, and well.... I was so nervous. But I did it. I performed a play in front of the class. I acted. And it was... such a great feeling.

In the play I was supposed to be the wife of someone and I was supposed to technically 'cheat' on him. So I had to try to seduce the guy who wasn't my husband and say all these dirty jokes and whatnot. haha It was embarrassing as I thought of having to act a certain way but it came out so naturally and I ended up adding a few more extra sexual actions to it. It was so awesome, I even had a whip hahahahaa

My final scene: I actually jumped out the window. No joke. And I felt like a hero or something hahaha

I miss acting actually. I used to do it in junior high but I had serious stage fright and I wasn't good enough for the big scenes. So that's why when it came to high school, I stuck backstage and worked on spotlights. Maybe I can get involved again in something in HK?

What made me more happy was a text message I got from a friend in the same class. She told me that this is the first time she hasn't heard me mono-toned and actually have a lot of emotion in my voice. I didn't think my voiced changed that much.... did I really get into the play that much? Because I know my voice changes during points of my life. :D


Then I went to Alumni as I do every Tuesday night to do my laundry, right? I walk up the stairs and look down the other end of the hallway..... and there it was, a naked man. Okay, he was shirtless and going towards the bathroom. But...... it was Richard. And I was so embarrassed I looked away hoping he didn't realize that I noticed him AGAIN. But that was clearly impossible. He knows I saw, and again I couldn't pick up any courage to say anything to him. Not even a hello... when I'm pretty sure he smiled. It just brought back dumb moments from the past again. Like the first time when he tried to be sexy taking his shirt off in front of me, and I turned away pretending not to look. I really knew nothing....

I feel like, if I got caught with the wrong people freshman year, I could have been seriously taken advantage of. He flustered me, seduced me, but I still..... knew nothing of satisfaction. Pretty much, he's beautiful. Still. Even seeing his torso again, or just being able to see one so wide like his in such a long time, or maybe....

He just throws me off guard.
He is, the person I desire to talk to. But I don't know how to start a conversation. And then there's the fact that I'm not supposed to be there interrupting his life. Not that I would be interrupting or anything.... he hasn't once forgotten me though if he still recognizes me. I think I can try to cope with that again. But he makes it harder every time I see him. Because I want to say more than just a hello. But I have none of the right words.



Men.... arggggggh.



Lets be honest though.
I feel really immature about it. Just everything. I feel so far out of the game already. I feel wronged. And lacking. I'm wondering what I've learned.




But I got somewhat of an acceptance email today about HKBU. I forgot to sign something on my visa so I had to resend it. But she said she's happy to see me join the group so I'm excited about that too. I'm pretty confident in this. I'm getting more and more excited, and I sent out an email to the other three people going with me, but they are only a semester long. I'm actually kinda glad I'll be there long than them, and then when the spring Albany students come.... heh, I know more than them. Feeling a little more superiority here.



It's finals week and my 8hr shifts on campus begin. Hopefully the frozen yogurt&bubble tea place will open soon, and then my working like crazy weeks begin. So excited for this too~
Tulip Fest this weekend, my day and sister are coming and taking half of my stuff in my room so, Friday will be the last day I have all of my belongings. So sad ;_;

Then vacation in North Carolina again for a few days, one final month in PA,
THEN
THEN
THEN
THENNNN


must I say more? :)

Sharing another french kiss with you

It wasn't anything special. But after all this confusion, it became clear that I'm not the type of girl to do foolish things like that. No matter how much open I want to be, to be more accepting of other actions, it's not in my nature. And in the end I realized...

It's just not me.


I was talking to another stranger on 陌陌. Another one of those creepy people who try to persuade you into meeting and to have a "fun time". And this time I wasn't buying it. I was sick of it. I was tired of the empty compliments. I still am. And instead of lashing out on him like most girls would by saying "wtf go away", "you're so creepy", etc or other mean things, I apologized and just said I couldn't help him out. Because I don't do that kind of thing. It feels wrong to sleep with someone without love. For me at the very least. That type of thing is just not meant for me.

And when he was done, he too apologized and began on how nice I was for acting the way I did, the way I ignored his hormones. That's when I took notice to my emotionless reaction to him and to one of the responses I gave him.

"It's fine. You're a guy, it's what you do."

That answer, is disgusting.
I've labeled men in my head. Every single one of them. I didn't mean to, but I've been surrounded by scumbags who can't reveal a decent man underneath their masks. They all act like this. And its all I ever see. Its all I ever hear. And maybe that was the reason why I've been avoiding relationships. Maybe not.... but I feel like it could be a reason. Men are all the same to me it seems anymore, and not one has particularly stood out to me. It's become tiring, all this searching. But yet I still enjoy their company in chat more than often.

It just makes me upset is all.
But this is petty. I'll drop it.


Because, I hate this feeling. The feeling of being content and/or depressed. Someone taught me to stay bright and smile. I taught myself to keep hope in everything I do. Because someone else taught me that everything will be okay in the end even if it's hard right now. And that's how I spent most of my summer last year. I was bright and attracted people with that. By being myself in the sun or smiling or screaming loudly for fun. I was bright Freshman year o college too. I remember first coming and meeting everyone and having fun, Richard upset me aplenty on my mind until I moved on, but then I was screaming again.

I liked that feeling a lot.

But what can I say, we can't reclaim the past so easily. We have to make the bumps to improve. We need to fall. We need to struggle and we need to have a hard times and moments when we feel like we've failed and have lost everything. Including hope.

That's how we grow. And I know that. I can't possibly ask to be happy all the time, but I can't let myself get down as often either. If I don't keep climbing, I'll slowly slide further down. If I don't keep building myself to be greater, I'll lose hope. But every slip-up is learning. Every tear I've cried makes me stronger. And that's what this is. I hate a lot of things but I always find a reason not to hate it anymore.
Today I learned something important. I can't force myself to do anything I know I'm not comfortable with. It also showed me that I'm better than that. Everyone is different. Yes, of course. But I'm better than that. What I feel is important and I want others to feel that too from me. I want them to know that they mean something to me. And giving myself away just to be "more open to the idea" does not support my beliefs. Everyone can do what they want, but I value it. And I'm really proud to say that right now.


I have my weird hobbies. I have my weird fetishes as well, but that's okay. There's shouldn't be anything that anyone is ashamed of. We are who we are. And we shouldn't have to criticize someone for wanting to do what they do or what they don't want to do. Persuading me isn't even an option anymore. I made that clear to both Zhen and Jiyong awhile back.

And I don't know.... understanding a little more about yourself, after making so many mistakes or arguing with what you want in life.... it's so reassuring that you can be content with yourself at last, you know? Maybe I'm being a little too dramatic right now... but you really have no idea how much I argued with myself day after day because I couldn't decide on what was right.


Drifting away from that,
I downloaded another creepy stranger app....
Called "Mr. & Ms. Smith" or also called in Japanese... 「斉藤さん」!!! lol
It's like the website chat roulette. But it's pretty much only Japanese people, and once they ask where you're from and you say America, you hear on the other end that "へえ?" noise... then a silence... then something like a disbelieving "まじで?" It was hard to get the app though because it's only available on itunes Japan and you need a Japanese account then to access it. I tried sooo hard the night before to set up an account but it wasn't working for some stupid reason, asking me for a Japanese credit card constantly. But I tried it again yesterday morning and then somehow it magically showed the "no credit card" option. wtf?

It's quite amusing however. You can cam-chat, but as we all know most Japanese don't do that and I personally don't wanna either. Good things about this though, I can talk in Japanese constantly and I can easily hang up if I suddenly get bored with them without feeling too bad or saying a word because it's random who you get and you can't save any info on them unless you exchange. Plus, it's a stranger. Say what you want, act how you want. It's just fun.

I had it on during our Japanese study yesterday with Rob and Ikuma and for like 30mins we were playing a "Guess The Warai-jin" game with the guy on the other end. It was funny and fun. And him and Rob exchanged contact info.

The app does not let you text chat though which is a good thing in my case because I would probably go right to that. It doesn't help me speak more, you know?

But in any case, it's tons of fun, and I enjoy it :) And it's only day one.

I'm okay.
I keep thinking about Hong Kong and my 10K for it. Life is good to me, lol it's totally okay.
Exams are over in two weeks time. I can't wait. I can't wait for summer. I can't wait to work my ass off and collapse when I get home afterwards. I can't wait to wear more heels (did I mention how much I love wearing heels recently?? lol), I can't wait to wear summer clothes and look more awesome, I just can't wait for everything here in Albany to being.

Also, the beginning of July, there's this run going on here. I think it's a 3mile run? But while you run, people throw bright paint on you lol. It's kinda like Dayglow without the loud music, drugs, and this is all pure healthy exercise haha. I'm going to participate even though there's no way I'll make the 3-5miles haha. Me and my co-workers at P.S. are doing it. Then we're all going to the bar to drink since the two of us will be 21, and my manager is already 24 (25?) haha

This is how I close my year in America.
It's really satisfying.
I'll miss is all. I'll miss everyone here too.


{let's draw a love story ♥}