Proper ways to dieting only make you look fatter

Today is our last day in North Carolina's Outer Banks. We're spending the day with jet riders and then the beach. So, it's going to be a slow day, and probably will be indoors for most of the day since you can only spend so much time at a beach before you get too hot and start burning haha


Have you ever thought about dieting?
I don't mean to make fun at anyone or point people out but, as I watch my sister try to diet, I think I've realized why so many people have trouble with it. I mean, of course there's the whole metabolism thing in which you just can't help if you were born with a slow or fast one, but there's so many things you can do to help yourself get healthier.

Lets just take my sister for example.
She's just trying to eat less with a little bit of exercise (I THINK she's also exercising). But she doesn't eat things she really should. She's not a big veggie person and I think that's a big problem. When I was a freshman in college I always went back to the dorm with a salad and that's all I ate. In all honesty though I was quite a bad dieter. Very unhealthy myself. I ate an orange for breakfast and an orange for lunch then had my salad for supper. I walked a lot though. Of course when you're on campus all you do is walk all over the place, but then when your dorm is so far away the school even offers a bus to get there but you decide to walk, that's double the walking. Okay, so the place wasn't THAT far of a walk, but still farther than most of the other dorms.

But I think veggies are really important.

Fruits are too I'm sure, but I don't really eat fruits. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE FRUIT, but I just choose to buy veggies instead. Another thing I've begun to notice is the way the metabolism works. For how much I weigh and I haven't really been gaining weight, just keeping it constant, I've realized you can't just stick with something. You HAVE to eat what you want. Just keep it in small portions depending on how many calories it is and how much of an intake would affect you.

I still think salads are the best thing out there though.
You need to learn how to love veggies, they help you out in so many different ways. I've been eating smaller portions, drinking  A LOT of water, and exercising if not every day I do for like 2 hours every other day (DDR really is the best ♥~). Exercising a little bit helps you out, even if it's just 20 minutes a day.

Look at Asian countries.
I've lived in Japan for a year, and I'm sure other foreigners who have spent time there will agree with me when I say that what they eat is really healthy. Excluding all their sweets haha. There's not a lot of calories in their food and it's full of veggies and not a lot of meat. Meat isn't really good for you either. I've been keeping away from that as best as possible, that's why I turned into a pescatarian.

America just stops thinking about what's good for you anymore and people need to be more self-conscious. I don't want to say I hate fat people. It's just I get disappointed when I see so many Americans suffering from being over-weight or obesity. However, I do understand that many people have problems such as diabetes which cause weight gain and they can't help being how they are. What I can't approve is the many people who just let themselves get out of hand and also allow their children to get how they are. It's sad really.


Everyone thinks I'm obsessed with weight-loss because I'm always saying I'm trying to loss weight. I'm not a freaking thin-thinking-whatever-crazy person. I just want to be at a certain weight and I'm done. So people need to stop worrying.

But a lot of people need to get more healthier in their daily lifestyles.

I can see myself spending more time on a blog to write more on this topic.
Maybe next time :)


FYI, TOFU IS THE SHIT ♥

Why Can't I.....逮

I thought it would be really cool if I bought a mood ring for my pinky, wear it around and kinda be impressed how it changed its color to try and figure out what kind of mood I'm in.

Right now, it says I'm relaxed :)



I went to the aquarium today, and then yesterday I got home late returning from an outdoor play. I was so exhausted yesterday I went right to sleep, and for once I slept in this morning. Well, 8AM isn't really sleeping in but, it's two hours later than normal that's for sure.

I had a lot of fun at the aquarium today, like A LOT of fun.
I felt like a kid again. I saw they had a certain fish and I ran over to it, calling my dad and sis over as well. It was a small aquarium, really nothing big, but I didn't need anything big to make me happy. I told my dad I was glad to go afterwards and he said it too "simple things please simple minds". Pretty much he was calling me stupid, not seriously though. But he's right. I say it myself and a lot of my friends say it too. The littlest things make me happy, make me smile.

I have a simple mind.
I know I'm not very smart.
I know I'm not really observant.
Heck, I'm not even accomplishing that much in my life. And I'm discovering too many things too late.

But I never want to call myself stupid.

I might be easily fooled, but other times I fake it. I'll acted stupid just to... just because it helps me smile. If I act like a kid, I feel a lot better about things. Not that I'm depressed all the time, it just helps me lighten up situations and relax. But depending on the situation, if someone calls me dumb or well, "stupid", it really hurts. Not all the time, of course not, but there's just many times people will say something and all I can do is smile and be like "yeah, sorry I really am stupid."

I guess it's just hard to understand why I do things or act the way I do sometimes. I mean, I don't even fully understand it myself even.

But I'm trying to.

But some things won't change.
Like me acting like a kid. I feel like, if anything that has to be my best quality. It's just so carefree and laughing all the time. When you feel like a kid, especially around people, it gives you a new feeling of comfort. At least that's what I think. I never act like a kid around my family and stuff. But around my friends I'm always screaming and acting "stupid" because I feel so comfortable.

Pieces. 碎.

Pretty much in every single person there's scars that you just want to fix. Pieces of yourself you want to repair, you want someone to help you fix them but are to ashamed to ask. If not ashamed, you just don't know how to ask, or well, you know if you don't know how to repair it yourself there isn't a way someone could help you either.


You keep things quiet,
and then you realize too late, things have gone too far.
And by then, you're regretful.

hmm.....


same here, isn't it?


Help should have been asked for sooner.


You know, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. These words kinda just came off my head, but I was trying to make it have sense.

One thing doesn't change though.
Was there ever a time you realize you made a huge mistake and you wanted to fix it so badly you'd do anything? Or did you lose something because of something you never meant to do and wish you could have it back?

If you had that chance to regain what you could of had one more time, would you take it?


I can't defy what I've done.
And I've scared the one person I truly care about unintentionally.
It's been a year. I look desperate.

I scared him, and.....
-sigh- I want to make a wish.


I want to prove I'm normal.
I lost something really good to me. Something I really needed.
I wish......



Well, I'm sorry for everything I accidentally have done.
I'll never do it again. I just need him to believe in me.


I'm going to build a card castle now.
I guess maybe no one knew but, it is a hobby of mine. I just always forget I love to do it so much.

Nothing is ever gone, it's just sometimes misplaced

It's been five days since I've been in North Carolina, Outer Banks.

I went to the beach and got burnt badly, when I took off the top of my bathing suit and looked in a mirror, I looked like a lobster with a white bikini on. It was reallyyy embarrassing. No one had to see me naked though so it'll fade away soon before anyone does. You can probably see it a little on my facebook picture anyway :l


I've been wanting to go to an aquarium so badly all summer.
I posted it on facebook a few months back too, "someone should take me to an aquarium!!" or something like that haha, I really am a kid. I told my friend I was excited to go yesterday and all he said was that there will be so many kids there. DUH, I FIT RIGHT IN!! Unleashing my inner child ;)

I don't know why I like aquariums so much.
There's just something about ocean life that makes me happy. When I was in the ocean yesterday I was walking with a school of small fish and I was just so amazed with them. Turtles are really cool too. I want a pet turtle :) I remember freshman year two guys had a pet turtle where I stayed. If I knew them better I probably would have asked them if I could play with it all the time. I remember being a kid and going to aquariums were like a thing I really looked forward to. I didn't go to many though.... But I remember this HUGE one I went to! I think it was in New Jersey? Maybe Maryland?


I'm sure the one in NYC is huge too.
I would really like to go but I won't have that much time there. Satoshi really wants to go karaoke so I have to make sure I don't fall out on that plan this time. AND I NEED TO GO TO THAT CHINESE BAKERY AGAIN!!! My bread.....

I'm going to get a souvenir at this place for sure though.
Something really cute :)


Sushi Tei called me while I've been here though.
I'm starting to regret even saying I would consider the job now. I didn't pick up any of the three times. I'm afraid of what she'll say or ask of me. I know I can use the money but.... I don't think it would be a good idea in the end. Especially since I'm sure to be getting extra hours this month at P.S. because it's back-to-school season. I'm not going to screw P.S. over. No way No way! I love them all there. My manager actually told me she misses me last night haha and my roomies have been saying the same thing. They'll wish I was gone again though soon enough ;) I'll be back and with two more DDR games I'll be stomping around and be screaming at the TV again. And they'll tell me to "calm down, it's only DDR". haha

But now since I'm bring up my N64 controllers I'll be playing Mario Party with them and might buy Tetris yet for it so I can kick Shigeru's ass when he comes back. He destroyed me on the DS one, but I've been playing all summer since he's been gone. Now it's revenge.

It's sad that I can't bring up my second DDR mat though -sigh-

But yeah.... Sushi Tei.... I don't know what to say or do now.....




I'll be wearing my white skirt today for the aquarium and 2 hour play tonight. Really excited for today but of course everyone is still sleeping. Why can't I sleep normally? This is what work does to you.


I want to do something about me.
Entry after entry, apology after apology, things I want to say but are too afraid to say it to them. Things I want to say but I don't have the strength. Now that half a year has already passed so quickly, I thought a lot about things this past week. It was a good week, and I'm happy :) We just have to smile and find a reason to do so. I have three more days here, and I'll still be thinking a lot. But all the bad things happened, and you just have to say you're sorry and try to move on. Thinking too much about painful things of now and yesterday, from family or others, apologize and let go of that regret. I'm going to need to apologize to her soon.... I have to.
忘れないように

神様、願いどうしちゃったの...?

In a matter of minutes, one thing turned into another, and then....







I get it already.


I'm submissive.
Because I'm insecure.





I'm easy prey.
After all, I'm a white girl.


I don't know if I should be happy or sad you told me all of this.
I don't know if I wanted to know the truth that badly.






I believe her. I really believe everything she said.
But then again, I don't know.

It's kinda upsetting, people like us are the one's who get used the most. We look for someone to accept us when we can't accept ourselves. We turn into a doormat. Without realizing it.

I can't believe it all though.
I might have been used, but somewhere in all of that, I was really happy.
I believed I was wanted, and sometimes, it's better to lie to someone in order to keep them happy with themselves.


Well, I'm pretty sure none of that matters anymore.
I said something that was embarrassing and  upsetting to say. But I had to, because I was wrong.
I was wrong to do what I did. And it ate me up inside.



I'll be better.
I know that at some point in time in August, I'll know what will happen next.


everyone can change.

And I'm not talking about myself here.


You can hate someone for what they did to you all you want but they won't always stay that way.
I try to look for the best in each person, and I find it hard to hate someone. I use the word often, but not once have I meant it.

I always thought it would be cute if I could be the cause of change.
But for now, it's checkmate. I lost. I definitely know I did.
I just need to hear it in person to be satisfied.

I have a choice to believe what I want.
And I still want to believe that's thing had changed.
Maybe not completely, but I feel like when Shiina Ringo sings her song "ギブス" that's exactly how everything was.
I'll forget yesterday and the months before, as long as I can hold you tight tomorrow.
Well, that's my version haha

You know, it makes more sense that way.
I don't know why I'm letting something like that bother me. Sure, it's wrong of me to say it's all okay, but... why should I think about that? I don't have much time left anyway, you know? All I have is a year. It's not very long. And then, I'm gone forever.

So I don't want to keep thinking about that.

I'll take it as it happened, and that everyone will change. And everyone will learn.
Forget, but don't forget the wrong in it.
Forget, but remember to learn.



It's okay.

When I started writing this blog I was actually really upset.
But, it's okay now.


I think I accepted defeat.



I''ll post a different blog when I wake up in the morning.
I actually wanted to talk about something completely unrelated.... but then she messaged me and... messed me up...

So, good night for now, Blogger.
I'll see you in the morning.

希望 part ニ

希望 - take it, take it all, take all that I have



I sent out a mass message to a bunch of people on Facebook, and was honestly surprised with some of the answers I received. Some I didn't want to hear, others were more of my liking.

But the truth to that question is probably the answer I didn't want to read.
I don't even know him that well, he doesn't even know me that well, but he's hitting it dead center.

希望

I'd ask the question myself, but that won't help.


I really do appreciate all the answers I received. Thank you everyone :)




Hope;
a foolish little thing.





Being here these past three days makes me feel different.
Not sure if that's a good thing... no, it doesn't feel that good at all really. My thoughts have been wandering off every time I look out onto the bay or over some body of water we pass on our ventures here.

I've been hanging onto my journal too, taking it everywhere I go and writing whatever is on my mind. I've written about a lot of different things. And now I've been posting a blog everyday..   -_____-''

But I've.. I've written a lot.


There's a page about ****, then there's a few pages family.
Family relationships and where mine have turned wrong.

I've always carried the weight on my mom, always made her the blame for most of my mess. And whether or not that is entirely true, is not my decision to make. I can repeat facts but I can't do much more. The more I've tossed the blame on her, the more guilty and ashamed I feel of myself so much that I hate myself for it. How could I blame her for everything? That's so immature, pushing the blame on someone else!

And yet I've done it.

Last year, even if I still can't bring myself to forgive her for what she did to me last year, I can't forgive myself for the letter I left her. I blamed her for so much... I blamed her for the way I was and for the childhood I never had with her.... for a childhood I couldn't remember but SURELY I HAD!!

....

why the fuck....

why do I have to be such a spoiled brat....

I'm... I'm so.sorry...



....mom.

希望 part イチ

どうしてだろう、あたしがこんなに弱くて。
どうしてだろうこのぐらい泣いてる。
どうしてだろうあのバカのことに落ち込んでしまう。
どうしてだろうね。

どうして全部が怖くなってしまっただろう。
何も悪こともしてなかった。

誕生日プレゼントが届けばよかったな。
そこも悪ことなんて書かなかった。「ハーピーバースデー」しか書かなかった。
ラブレターっていうものも書かなかった。
普通のカードだ。

悪ことなかった。今回。

前..... あのバカと安心できた。
安心でとても幸せだった。

今だけど.... 苦しさ、痛みなんてバッカリするんだ。

この苦しみもう慣れたと思ったが涙が止まらないんだ。
ゼンゼントマラナイ

優しくて２人で話したいのに

なんで日本に行って性格が変わっちゃうの？
前の彼氏返して！
あの優しい心どうしたんだ？
きっと捨てなかったでしょね！

アメリカへ帰ったときどんな君になるの？
あたしと会うでしょう？
ずっと待ってたから。

１年後まだこんなに好きなんて.....
それは素晴らしいことじゃないの？
じゃないの？

２人で過ごした年間どうした？
あたしを無視しないでいじわらせないで

あたしも心があるよ
人間だもん。

だって
バカな君と同じ
痛みするよ。

あたしの気持ちに気を使って

あたしのことが嫌いでまた会いたがってないのは本当なら　
教えてくれもう

君のために
まだ　頑張ってるからさ

あたしの悪性格
一所懸命直したから

また君の心に届けるように

even after all the hurt, I still want to be right there.
something is wrong with me,
but I'm not crazy. I'm honestly not
I just, I just believe in myself

[secret base～君がくれたもの～(10 years after Ver.)].mp3 by Chinni

North Carolina, not such a bad place after after all DAY ONE

Day one in the Outer Banks, North Carolina.

It made me have two different feelings.
One feeling, on the way down in the car, I smelled the ocean and I felt Hitachi.
The second feeling was as I sat on the deck in our rental home's backyard and looked out onto the bay... it was the feeling of Canada when I used to go up to a lake when I was a kid all those years back.

I'm glad I came here.
I mean, who knows, the next couple of days might not be so swell but being here against the wind and now that a storm has just arrived, it feels amazing.


I absolutely love thunderstorms.
Even here along the bay makes it better as the waves crash up, and you hear the wind swirling, seeing the bright strips of light strike the surface water.... I love it. I could sit outside just watching it and listening to really beautiful music at the same time, like the piano or even better Daishi Dance. If anyone reading this blog hasn't heard of Daishi Dance, look him up on YouTube and just listen to how magnificent and calming and relaxing his music is.

In any case, this lightning is beautiful ♥


I'm not really sure what's up for the week. Since we spent a nine hour drive up here we just relaxed today and I kinda just want to relax here forever haha

But I know we're going to go to the beach for a bit tomorrow :)


I think I've kinda decided on something.

I'm really excited for a summer when I can tell my husband/boyfriend, "Let's go and rent a place near the beach. I'll cook lots of stuff and it'll be a lot of fun." sexsexsex

Well, isn't that the same as getting a house or apartment of your own?
Pretty much, but I look at this more as a romantic getaway, if you know what I mean ;)




North Carolina......
よろしくおねがいします～♥

Now I'll go listen to Daishi Dance,


\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Tetris has also become a very bad addiction.
And I'm starting to get really really good at it. I play it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
:DD


vvvvvvvvv Sailor Moon!!! vvvvvvvvvv

This is why I hate coming back home.

I don't get it. I always hate coming to PA. I can't stand being around my family, and I don't really know why. We're going on vacation tomorrow and now my dad is just telling me to leave if I don't want to be here. Maybe I should.

What good is this place to me anyway?
I always act different when I'm here.
I always act the way I hate.

I don't even do it intentionally. It's just do the things I would normally do if I was in Albany or anywhere else. He tells me to get off the computer, because I'm always in front of it. Well, yeah. When I'm in Albany I'm always on my computer, and even when I was in the city, as soon as we got back to my friend's house I went back on the computer. It's just something I do everyday. If there's anything else for me to do here it's to play DDR or take my dog for a walk (which I want to do today). I did the same thing in Albany>>computer, work, DDR, cook. Yeah. I can't even cook here.

I'm not going to just leave.
That would be super rude of me.

Now all I do is argue with my dad now too. I don't even know what happened to our relationship. He gets upset with whatever I do.

I've realized that, I just do better living by myself. I mean, I love living with my roommates of course! I have a lot of fun with them and it's great. But when it comes to my family, everything just becomes awkward, and everything turns into a mess. I don't know where it screwed up. Every time things like this happen, I always wonder back to 'why'? Where did everything go wrong? Why is our family relationship like this so much? Maybe I'm the one at fault for not trying hard enough to just work with this situation. But it feels so lost. I really can't look at my mom in the face for more than a minute. I can't look at my aunt in the face for less than that. I never want to do anything with my dad because I've come to realize I just can't share the same interests with him like he once thought we could. I'm forcing smiles around almost everyone around me. Nothing is natural here. I don't like it. If I had to spend another entire summer here again I'd go crazy.


There's nothing for me to even do here too.


If I go crazy at the apartment all I have to do is ride the bus and go somewhere. I'm stuck here. I can only go for a walk in an area that is no less different. Because I'm still in Pennsylvania. 




I don't know why I always make myself look proud to be Pennsylvanian. I joke around to everyone how the way we talk is cooler, and how we have cool places and etc. But even as I say all of that.... I know I'm lying. I say it just to have a funny argument with my friends. You know, to lighten up the atmosphere and have fun and joke around. Everyone makes fun of me, but I know they aren't seriously making fun of me. I like to be that different and strange one in the group. And I'm known to be the fun one because I make everything so random and enjoyable. Then I come here....


.....and that monotone voice really comes through.




I don't belong here. I hate it here.


Everything that I've been through is here. Everything I want nothing to do with is here.






I won't come back.
Once I graduate I won't come back. I don't want to live or work in Pennsylvania ever again.
I don't want to get close to here again. I turn into a bad person. Because that's all I feel like I am here.

Flushing is my home

I decided to take a trip to NYC before heading on my way to Pennsylvania. I stayed at a friend's place who surprisingly lives in Bayside, a legit 5 minute bus ride away from Flushing. I was... absolutely beyond happy. Ever since I first went to Flushing last year, I fell in love with the place. Sure, at that time I was in love with anything Korean and when I saw all the signs and billboards I was just ecstatic and took pictures of every random thing in my path. But it's an Asian area that isn't Chinatown and it has that mixture of both Korean life and Chinese life.

I really love Flushing and I really wish I could stay there the entire summer or even live there. There's so much to try, so many new foods, bakeries, ASIAN MEN~

Flushing is just like, my real home.


I went to the all you can eat Korean BBQ that I first went to with Wien. I went with five other friends, well, the one girl I just met that day. I over-ate too much rice and made this sauce that tasted amazing with the grilled squid and meat. But this one meat there was really amazing :)

And as always I got myself bubble tea, because I'm so Asian lol
Taro flavor this time ♥ And it was sooo yummyy

Day two involved eating at a Vietnamese restaurant in Flushing. I got Chicken Curry Stew and the flavor of the broth was just so fantastic, I can't even begin to tell you. See, that's what I mean. There's just so much new things and such a variety of culture and food and.... I missed it. A lot.

That night I made plans to meet with Wien's family. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea at all. I mean, I really wanted to see them again, I really like them. But the last thing I wanted to do was upset him. I mean after everything that has happened, I'm still clingy and wanting him but, I didn't want there to be the idea of being desperate. The entire time before the time of meeting them I was getting so nervous. I just didn't know if I was doing something good or bad and if I should have regretted letting his mom know I was in NYC. But then, I still wanted to make sure she was feeling alright too.

I didn't know what to wear. I just wanted to impress them and I think I really did accomplish that. I wore the dress that I bought, and had my hair up again and it looked really cool with my large hoop earrings and sunglasses. I kept telling myself that I looked like a ROCKSTAR when I looked at myself in the mirror. I think I did good, and when his aunt and brother took me to the Cantonese restaurant where I met up with his mom and cousin, the look on her face made me really happy and embarrassed. I knew I did good, I knew I looked really good! His mom still looked amazing as every too! I was stunned AGAIN by how young she looks for her age.

And I was really surprised at how not ackward it ended up being. I enjoyed myself a whole lot and the food was really good too. They were really kind, and his cousin looked soo much more attractive than I last remembered haha. Everything felt just like normal hearing them talk their Cantonese, talking to me in English every-so-often and it felt completely normal. And hearing all that constant Cantonese again made me realize something important.

It's not just because of him anymore.
It was the help of everyone that I made this decision to go to Hong Kong.

It was hard to just put into words in my head at that time. I clearly understood nothing unless his brother translated it for me, but I still smiled as they laughed and it felt like I was studying abroad again. The Cantonese language sounds so cool, and I really like how a lot of the sentences end with a "aaaaa" type sound. I kinda caught onto that as that spoke at the table and then completely understood when I was at their house and we played Mario Party. Willard kept saying sentences like "B-aaa" or "battery-aaa" and I mentally translated that as "the" or "it is". Kinda like the "だ/です" in Japanese.

After we ate I felt a lot more comfortable walking back to the car. Willard kept talking to me about anime and it wasn't any kind of weird feeling. I don't really remember talking to him too much in the past but it felt like we did. And then before taking me home they offered me to come and play games back at their house. I thought maybe it would be going to far to say okay, I mean, going back inside was really pushing it in my eyes. So I just said I didn't want anyone to feel like I'm imposing myself or anything and they it was fine. So, there I went.

I waited in the living room and I saw these three paintings that Willard did. He's really talented, it's incredible. One plays guitar and piano, the other is a master at art. Jealousss

But we played Mario Party with everyone except his mom. I had a lot of fun and I started screaming at the TV as I normally do. I didn't regret it at all. I stopped thinking about that constant wonder if it was a good or bad idea. I was so happy I made plans to meet up. I enjoyed everyone's company again.

And then I had to say goodbye.

I'll admit, I wish he could have been there so I could have teased him when I kicked his ass or something, to be lead back into his basement and fall asleep on that folding couch, and all I know is that it could have been a stupid move to even go through with this. But I had a lot of fun, and I'm really really glad I was able to see them again.


My last day in Flushing was me and my friend going for Dim Sum. And then I went to the Chinese bakery next door where I proceeded to buy $7 worth of bread and then I forgot it at my friend's house before leaving to Port Authority.

I had a lot of fun and I'm now proud to say that I can successfully get from Port Authority to Flushing my train ALL BY MYSELF :)
And then be able to ride the 12 or 13 bus in Flushing to any stop on those paths BY MYSELF :)

I'm going back to Flushing August 1st and 2nd.
I know it's impossible to see the family again, just because that would be really strange to ask so but...

I had a great time those three days. I only hope the next two days I spend in Flushing again in two weeks can be even better :) I'm hoping so

And I'm not really Asian no matter how much I say it, but, I'm glad I'm in love with the culture and I'm glad I want to believe it in the inside. Because nothing is beating this feeling ♥

Stepping stones of Confidence don't always bring you a Happy Ending

Throughout the year I've been posting random blogs on a Japanese site. As I read back on them, I'm not so sure how I feel about them. As I flip the pages back in a journal from the past few months, I don't know how I feel about those entries.

I look toward another journal I kept as a kid.
I carry it everywhere (as in when I move to new places for a long time) just to remind me of the kind of person I used to be in high school. High school... a time of low self-esteem and random days of constant depression. The things I worried about then are almost completely behind me, sure I still worry about it but, clearly not in the way I used to. As we all know my mind is pretty locked on one object only anyway.

Confidence.
I was thinking back on it while I had a conversation with my friend last night. He said something to me... and I completely disagreed with him. Did I want to? Actually.... I didn't want to disagree with him at all. If I agreed with him, I would have been over confident. Or to be blind and make myself seem like the greatest thing in the world. I told him, "you're wrong. I really am a bitch. I've screwed up so much."


Yesterday I went to Great Escape with him and his other friend. I didn't know where the confidence suddenly came from. I felt good just stripping down to my bikini and walking around the water park area just as. Maybe I've lost that considerable amount of weight that I'm not afraid to show a stomach. Maybe I've toned down my thighs a bit so they're not as big. I just felt super confident about myself. But from where?

I started wearing my hair a different way.
I pull my bangs back and pin them up.
It looks really cute on me, and recently I've been getting a lot of compliments.
I'm even buying clothes I never thought I'd ever buy myself to wear, such as dresses and skirts.

And I gained a new hobby.
All of a sudden I just love cooking! I love experimenting on random foods with veggies and tofu or with real recipes. It's soo much fun! I want to cook for others too!

When you say confidence, isn't the way I'm taking it probably in the worst way?


Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself, it's more than going out and being able to gain attention. Confidence has to be within yourself. Be happy with yourself from the inside. Little things can begin to bring out that shine of confidence, but it can only satisfy you for so long. Lets just say it this way... the times I get complimented or when I'm told something that makes me happy, I am really happy at that point. Like, reallyyyy happy. But then I get that time alone, and I realize, this confidence isn't satisfying at all. Of course, there's always the missing piece.

To no matter what it is, there's always something missing. For everyone.


Every time I take steps of confidence here,
the more I realize it's worth nothing without that missing piece.


Well, at the least, I do feel comfortable about myself and my personality.
I told him last night I've screwed up many times, but I know I wouldn't anymore.
I just need a chance to fill up that missing piece to complete my confidence.

Another love song about you, that's probably going to fall short of reaching you

I've been watching all my old animes again.
Not just Sailor Moon, I started watching the Higurashi no Naku koro Ni series over, Chrono Crusade, Demashita Powerpuff Girls Z, etc. I've been watching them in raw format too which makes it a little more interesting and helps me to practice my listening. I feel like I'm turning back into that high school girl I once was.

....but when I say that....
I get really upset and scared.

Me in high school.... I hated myself a lot. Because of how I was.
Maybe I've gained enough confidence about myself throughout these past two years but it doesn't change how scared I feel about becoming that girl again. I was a really sad person, relied on anime to bring my hopes up and make me happy, and fantasizing.... too much. Fantasizing something that couldn't be really for me, and then when it did, I lost it. It makes me upset to think I've ever pretended to have something. But I've been doing that for awhile now anyway it seems.

But in any case I'm still watching some of my old shows, praying that I don't become that addict I once was.


I've also became sickly obsessed with a certain fanfiction from an autor who releases a new chapter every Saturday morning. I look forward to it all the time, and it brightens my day. It's pretty sad actually hahaa.... it's a Sailor Moon fanfiction, but Minako (Sailor Venus) was always my favorite and this author writes her life and all the other Sailor Senshi's lives when they're older and in their 20s. But the way he writes Minako's life is just how I always imagined her to be. Perverted in a way still obsessed with finding love. But what I found even better about this author's writing is that he follows how in the manga Minako was told she will never find love by this guy who lusted for her. And now in this story, she's in her second marriage and because that guy who she lusted for and he did same came back into her life, he ruins EVERYTHING and she's stuck alone again. Her marrage now though is SO perfect but I know because of this other guy AGAIN (his name is Ace) her life becomes turmoil and love fails again because she couldn't stop herself from having sex with Ace. But no one wants to read me rave about this amazing fanfiction so I'll stop there.



I'm working a third job.

Because....
I don't know what else to do with myself.
It's like I'd rather overwork myself instead of leave my thoughts to wander.


I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore.
My thoughts tend to wander away anyway.


I care about him a lot, and I just wish I could show him that I could make him happy like before every time he was with me. I'm not sure how to do it though, if I can't spend the time with him.

I'd write him a love song, but I'm not very good at music.
All I could ever do was draw.

These recent days seem harder and harder, and the strain seems more apparent. But like I wrote in my last blog, I won't give up, I can't.
I care too much about him, I want to love him. I want to show him that I do too.


I know I've screwed up.
I know I've become annoying.
But knowing all of this just makes me want to work harder.
It may seem like it's just another thing but, I've honestly learned a lot through this past year without him. I've learned how much he means to me and to what extent I'd go to to keep him here in my arms. It sounds stupid. But I'm 100% positive that I'm a better girlfriend than I was before. I know where I went wrong. And I'm willing to re-write all my previous steps to glue up all the broken pieces.

I just need him to believe in me.


I'm going to keep fighting.
I'll keep fighting, and hopefully soon I'll reach that point where I can truly prove myself.
I'm a stupid girl, for someone everyone tells me to forget about.

But I want to do something right in my life. And I know this is it.

determining. reading. finalizing. syncing.

It's simple to say one can never forget.
It's harder to say you want to forget.
Where am I supposed to stop? Or better yet, when should I?


Randomly a friend messaged me.
I really... respected him.
He didn't have to tell me anything, but what he told me just really surprised me.
And I respected him as a guy, but the girl is being foolish.


But she's scared too.
At least it seems like that.
But he's trying really hard. And she's blind for it.

So for both of us,
when does that happen? The point of release.
The point of knowing,

everything seems pointless.


Another guy.
Last night.

Hardly know him, only met him once, and he started saying weird, uncomfortable terms with me.
"Hey gorgeous", "you're cute but strange lol" ???? wtf.


Makes me wonder if someone is trying to slap me in the face.
It is nice to be called cute once in a while though, whether it's just for my actions or appearance....


I gave myself into it.
I said what I wanted to say.
I said what I had to say.

But like me and the first guy,
how do you just stop something you've put everything in to?

Then I thought about others who are similar like me.


hope.


It drives a person.
It comes in foolish colors.
It makes them not think straight.
It's what feeds me now.
I absorb it just as much as a plant absorbs sunlight to survive.


Does it make sense when I say,
I'm afraid to give up
but I'm not afraid to lose?

because I think it's the best way to put it.
Giving up, it's just as worse.
If I really do give up, all I'll keeping wondering is what could have happened if I didn't.
I'll live off of that "IF" scenario. I hate wondering 'what if'.
why can't I try hard? why can't I do my best and do what I can?
don't freaking... criticize me.
it's just something, I feel like I have to do.

I want to be a little selfish here.
I want to be selfish right now.

I think I'm just full of a lot of different ideas right now.
Had to say it to someone somehow. I apologize, it's just,
I'm not very good talking to people about emotions.
no wrong intended.