This is why I hate coming back home.

I don't get it. I always hate coming to PA. I can't stand being around my family, and I don't really know why. We're going on vacation tomorrow and now my dad is just telling me to leave if I don't want to be here. Maybe I should.

What good is this place to me anyway?
I always act different when I'm here.
I always act the way I hate.

I don't even do it intentionally. It's just do the things I would normally do if I was in Albany or anywhere else. He tells me to get off the computer, because I'm always in front of it. Well, yeah. When I'm in Albany I'm always on my computer, and even when I was in the city, as soon as we got back to my friend's house I went back on the computer. It's just something I do everyday. If there's anything else for me to do here it's to play DDR or take my dog for a walk (which I want to do today). I did the same thing in Albany>>computer, work, DDR, cook. Yeah. I can't even cook here.

I'm not going to just leave.
That would be super rude of me.

Now all I do is argue with my dad now too. I don't even know what happened to our relationship. He gets upset with whatever I do.

I've realized that, I just do better living by myself. I mean, I love living with my roommates of course! I have a lot of fun with them and it's great. But when it comes to my family, everything just becomes awkward, and everything turns into a mess. I don't know where it screwed up. Every time things like this happen, I always wonder back to 'why'? Where did everything go wrong? Why is our family relationship like this so much? Maybe I'm the one at fault for not trying hard enough to just work with this situation. But it feels so lost. I really can't look at my mom in the face for more than a minute. I can't look at my aunt in the face for less than that. I never want to do anything with my dad because I've come to realize I just can't share the same interests with him like he once thought we could. I'm forcing smiles around almost everyone around me. Nothing is natural here. I don't like it. If I had to spend another entire summer here again I'd go crazy.


There's nothing for me to even do here too.


If I go crazy at the apartment all I have to do is ride the bus and go somewhere. I'm stuck here. I can only go for a walk in an area that is no less different. Because I'm still in Pennsylvania. 




I don't know why I always make myself look proud to be Pennsylvanian. I joke around to everyone how the way we talk is cooler, and how we have cool places and etc. But even as I say all of that.... I know I'm lying. I say it just to have a funny argument with my friends. You know, to lighten up the atmosphere and have fun and joke around. Everyone makes fun of me, but I know they aren't seriously making fun of me. I like to be that different and strange one in the group. And I'm known to be the fun one because I make everything so random and enjoyable. Then I come here....


.....and that monotone voice really comes through.




I don't belong here. I hate it here.


Everything that I've been through is here. Everything I want nothing to do with is here.






I won't come back.
Once I graduate I won't come back. I don't want to live or work in Pennsylvania ever again.
I don't want to get close to here again. I turn into a bad person. Because that's all I feel like I am here.