Note to self: Schedule bubble tea in the near future

Before the last party of the semester blog.

I'm, kinda excited for the summer.
"Kinda."


I can't wait to get these classes out of the way, especially Phonology class, it's really making me go crazy. And every time I think about last summer, I begin to miss it so much. And knowing I can only stay in Albany until the middle of July.... well... that's just depressing. There was so much happening to me over the summer, so much excitement, socializing, and I miss it all so so much. But this summer won't be anything like that. It's just work work work work work workkkk......

But that's a good thing. Because my savings keep going up.
My original goal for HK, $5K. New goal? $8K.

And it's very realistic. Right now I have almost $5K saved up, right? I'm going to have three jobs this summer, and the summer didn't even come yet.
Job #1.
Working here on campus again. Last summer I only worked 3hrs a day Mon.-Fri. which sucked. But I got $8/hr which is kinda cool. This summer I'm working here 8hrs/day and with a possibility of getting more than $8/hr.
Job #2.
Still working at my store in the mall, P.S. from Aeropostale. My pay rate won't change, a pay at $7.50/hr,  but I'll get around 10hrs-15hrs a week in there. Not bad, not bad. Could be better but I won't complain much.
Job #3.
A friend of mine hit me up on facebook last night. Asked if I was interested in working for him. Me? HELL YEAH. MORE MONEYY. So I accepted his offer. He and a friend are starting up their own stand in Crossgates Mall. What kind of stand? A yogurt stand. What else are they selling?  
BUBBLE TEA.

He asked me if I knew how to make bubble tea, and I said "No, but I'd be happy to learn!"
I'd be veryyyy happy to learn :D

It's like such an awesome thing, I'll be able to make bubble tea myself at home if I ever wanted to now! It's such an easy job too, I can't wait! He said the pay will be $7.50/hr which I'm used to, but what makes it better is that I can probably have many more hours than at P.S. I can work around that schedule and ask to work the nights I'm not working somewhere else. Perfect, right? They're opening up May 5th, it's so soon and yet such a great opportunity to make some extra cash while sipping down some bubble tea.
New savings goal for HK?
Totally attainable.

I'll be able to go to Japan next spring and have lots of fun in HK without worrying too much about money now. If possible, 10K would be ideal. Lets see how far I can budget myself in a short amount of time. I'm determined enough. I'm a very determined girl for the things I want. I've always been good at saving though too. Gosh, I can't wait to surprise my family about my savings. I've been trying to save for two years now, and I could have done better than this but I was foolish for a while there. But even so, I've said nothing about how much I have. You know what... LET'S AIM FOR 10K. I CAN DO IT.


I've been trying to gather more connections. I like talking to strangers, scary enough. Online at least. But I figured out how to meet more people from HK on this one postcard app I have. FINALLY. I met a few college/high school students and a few people with jobs. I'm hoping I can use it to my advantage in the future. Maybe they can hook me up with an open position in their company when I'm ready to graduate, or just help me find a job in general. Then trying to make some random friends, so when the summer comes I can practice the Cantonese I'll be learning on my own.

I also downloaded an app called 陌陌 (Momo). My friend told me about it and I was like, "oh cool! I want to give it a try." So when I got home I downloaded it. It's all in simplified characters and ONLY Chinese people know about this app. And let me emphasis ONLY. There is no English version. There is no English interface. I honestly don't even know how I made an account. Pure luck and maybe the lack of knowledge I have on Chinese characters. Especially simplified. But I made an account, somehow. And it's kinda creepy. It tells you how far away people who also have an account, like since there's SUNY students with an account it'll say next to their name "0.32km" and such. Such a creepy stalker app.... lol.

But it's funny. Because I'm pretty much the only white girl using this. Every person who has sent me a message on it has, in some form or another, asked me "how do you have this account?", "you're not Chinese", "how do you know about this?", etc etc etc. One person actually asked me if I was a ghost. Most people would talk to me in English seeing as how I'm obviously not Asian (from my profile picture. surprised I even knew how to set that), but then I have a few who wrote in Chinese and I responded back in Chinese.... and they don't get the hint that I really don't understand more than basic Chinese. I sometimes struggle when trying to respond. But hey, it's good practice for me.

I talked to one guy in English for like almost 3hrs last night on it. It's fun just having random conversations with international students. haha like about Taco Bell or what we're studying and stuff.


I have fun with the weirdest things. I always wondered why it is I like talking to random people online. I think, it's probably for the same reason I write blogs in a way. I just want someone to hear me, hear my life for a little. I don't want to get to know these people personally. I just want to exist maybe.

That's..... a really hard question. I really don't know how to answer it. I don't know why I do these things, but somehow it just makes me happy talking to someone different. It's like another form of socializing, you know? You can be who you want, the real you, without having to worry about the impression you make on them or having to ever see them again in case you feel uncomfortable. But I really don't know how to answer that question. Why do I do it? I really don't know... I just... do. I guess our interests can be varied between what is really cool and reasonable to what could be creepy, weird, and disgusting. I don't think I should be judged so poorly though... we're all different. And we all have a different way to occupy ourselves. We all have different things that please us.

I think the best way to describe my position though, I do this when I'm bored.
I only talk to strangers when I'm bored. Bored and when I have no other friends or people around me. So, when I'm in my room at night, I go on an app and send a message to the world, hoping for a response from someone, and then we have a conversation.
Yeah, that sounds about right, actually. I long for social interaction. And when I can't have it, I go to online strangers.


I almost had to give my Chinese speech at the EAS Speech Competition tonight. I was so scared. The one participant walked away because she was so nervous, but they had her go back after some time to breathe and then she gave it. Either way, I got a prize.$10 for CCK for dinner and $5 for lunch gift certificates. I'm happy with that :) Free Chinese food ♥ But a 202 level Japanese student gave a really good speech as I listened to it, it kinda made me want to cry. She was talking about who taught her the most in life. It wasn't her teachers in any subjects, but it was her Golden Retriever. Yes, a dog. Her dog got hit by a car and lost a leg. But in her speech she went on about how her dog continued to smile, continue to run and play and have fun with only three legs. Her dog taught her to never give up. And I thought, that was one of the best speeches I've ever heard. She won 1st place for 202.

I talked to Yeh老师 a little after the contest. She kept smiling and saying "goodjob even though you didn't go" and all I could do is laugh. She said I could try again next year and I said I'd be in HK, then she paused and continued "we can figure something out." I froze with a smile. And I thought, 'Don't be serious about that. DO NOT MAKE US DO A SPEECH IN CLASS.' And I laughed okay okay. She's so cute though. And hahahaaaaa she's just really cute and funny in class too. I don't know how many of the students can find her scary. Probably just intimidated?

But it's the last party of this semester tonight, at Yukina's house. And since I'm not working tomorrow, I think I'll have fun and drink a lot. It's been awhile since I drank a lot while socializing.

This was today's breakfast. Black iced coffee with a yummy chocolate chip muffin ♥ High calorie muffin, but the taste is heavenly~

今日から泣かないで、遠く聞こえるよ

今日は.... こういう日なんだ。

ドキドキするなんて
期待するなんて
意味ない、自分のこと。

あ、
眠い、想いとまらない、苦しくて、大音で音楽が外をしめる。
部屋に目をギュッと閉じて、空想を始まる。
いつもどおり。

まえのブログの中にHのことした。

これで本当のあったことを教える。

最近、わたしが不安だ。彼氏がほしくて、Hしたいんだ。AVを見て、普通と違うようにHしたくなった。だから、彼氏がいえば問題ない。知らない人としたくなくて、Hする友達がほしくなくて
水曜日
去年と少しだけ話した男の人がまたわたしと話させた。彼が私にそう想い込ませたの。「大丈夫」と思って彼に住所を教えた。「知らない人とHすることは大丈夫だ」と思って
次の日２人は約束した。「明日会おう」って言った。緊張して体も変な感じ。

 

緊張して、緊張しすぎて、

また後悔。

 

彼の真意わかった。大丈夫といってもココロの中に全然よくない！

だから前も会うことやめた。２回前.....彼とやめた。

だって、彼女がいるよ。

だから私は何?　何もない。優しい声で、私にいい言葉言わせても....

全部は嘘だ。

短時間に幸福がほしくない、うそもほしくないから

あの約束の日... 

「ごめんね、会えない。間違えた。本当にごめんなさいでも、私もうできないんだ。ココロがそんな強くないんだ。」

彼がまだまだ私と会いたがって、「嫌だ!　駄目って!　こっちまで来ないでください!」と私言った。

心配で、彼とHするのやめた。

 

面白いことで 

男の人のことたぶん..... 怖い。

 

 

いちゃつくのが好きなのだが......

安心できない。

 

たった一人で、私。

それは水曜日と木曜日の間違い。

 

 

香港って.....行きたいと思ったが

もう行きたくない気がする。

楽しみしてるが同時に楽しんでない。

まだまだ進めない。

見えるから。もうわかってる、私のことなんて。

 

 

ごめん。わたしが悪かった。

Talking about China&sorts

This Friday is the speech contest. For the EAS department. I signed up to do the Chinese section, but she didn't give me a chance.

Only two people are allowed to give a speech. Then there is one-two alternatives just in case someone backs out, or for whatever the reason can't give their speech. I really wanted to give the speech and try my best. I was going to practice to sound the best I could at being native, Spencer was going to help me too. But she sends me an email as the alternative.... and I really was.. crushed. Because I wasn't given a chance.

It's unfair. Just because I might not be so great in class doesn't mean I can't deliver a decent speech. All it is is about fluency and how natural it comes off. That's what they judge you on. With enough practice and help from other native speakers there's no doubt that you can make yourself sound like you've been living in China for a year or so. But yeah. Yeh 老师 didn't give me that opportunity to give my all here. So I'll sit in the audience looking like I'm supposed to be useful. I still get a prize though... maybe a Chinese book will be nice, if that's even my prize. I might get candy for all I know.

Oh, right! I still have to give Spencer his book back... from last semester.... ah geeze, failed and let him down too -sigh-



I still haven't even got an acceptance from HKBU, but they're telling me to pick out 6-8 classes...... so I've been looking at the list. But I'm just so indecisive and not sure what I'm wanting to take, but I've decided on these 4 already.

Japanese IV
Basic Cantonese for Non-Chinese Speakers
Study of Arts in Hong Kong
Looking Through The Leans

They said that they'll try to get me in 4 of my selected, but I really want five or six. Because the course list is soooo HUGE and it's such a variety of unique classes I want to take so many! I'm scared I won't be allowed in to Japanese IV, but if that's the case I'm going to fight my way in. Not only will it 1) allow me to continue Japanese language study in a more harder environment but also 2) introduce me to more natives. Because all the other international courses are taught in English. And think about it. When you take international only courses, you only meet other foreigners. Nothing wrong with that, but I want to meet more native HK students. Especially those who also have an interest in Japan.Other than the offered Cantonese class, the other two courses are more of a look into HK society and how the people are and why. That is what the "Study of Arts in HK" class is. Here's it's description.  

Every place has its own story/stories that can be narrated, illustrated and represented creatively through visual arts if not in words. This course attempts to tell the many stories of Hong Kong by looking at examples of local art works, including painting, sculpture, cartoons, photography and architecture that are produced from the early 19th century to the present day, as a way to outline the character and history of the place. With the supplement of texts and documentaries, students will learn from the visual examples how Hong Kong transformed from a small fishing village to a metropolis city of over seven million people; or from a British colony to be a part of the People’s Republic of China nowadays. Alternately, the socio-political changes, technology development, education reform, cultural interaction of a place can also influence the production of works of art, in terms of style, medium and meaning. The search for identity before the return of sovereignty before 1997, for example, triggered off a substantial amount of art creation on the issue on Hong Kong identity. The course will adopt a multi-disciplinary approach in reading stories of Hong Kong, not solely from the view points of visual arts, but also sociology, history, cultural studies, geography, and/ or literature, whichever can bring new insight to enhance our understanding on the topics. The opportunity to study original works of art, either from museum or private collection, enables students to make direct encounter with the history of the place, which will ultimately inspire their thoughts and interpretation of the subject of Hong Kong.

I thought this would give me more an understanding on what the culture is and more about HK in general. Then this next class, "Looking Though The Lens", I thought would open my eyes to more of what's around me and of sights and things I might miss otherwise since I need to make movies and such.

 The world and its cultures are external before one looks deeply. As artists and as responsible citizens, ways of focused looking will help us to learn from, and benefit back to our society and the world. This is a course on fundamental knowledge of lens-based media, including photography and moving image productions. The essential foundations provided in this course are not merely technical craft but ways of inquisitive looking. Looking is attentive and active while seeing is external and passive. Accordingly, supplementary to technical training, this course aims at broadening students’ visual perceptions and sharpening their senses responding to the outside world. Students will explore and experiment how photographers, moving image artists understand, capture and represent actuality. Technical workshops on colours, optical theories, camera movements, framing and operations will be offered. Field work for practising skills of observation is an
important part of the course. Class assignments will enhance students’ ability to look into details both in aesthetic realm and in cultural contexts.
Students will be working on photography and video production that are essential craft for media artists in various fields and in a cross-disciplinary manner. This course serves as a foundation for works of photography and moving image, interactive media with moving and still content, spatial design, visual narrative, and video installation. Students will be both technically and intellectually ready to engage in further experimentations of lens-based media
creations in advanced courses.

They both sound really exciting. The Lens class is still up in the air though, but I'm going to take the Art in HK class, if they let me in.

I'm grateful for my itouch even more now.
I've had a mixi account for a few years now, but hardly went on it because well, it's just harder to use than facebook. But every so often I check up to see if I have any new friend requests or messages, etc. I added most of my Japanese friends in Japan on it so I would never lose contact, thus led me to Twitter when I saw some were starting it. But the mixi app for the iphone/itouch used to be 99cents which is stupid. But now it's free! So I downloaded it, and now I'm on it constantly. I'll even post pictures on it now or respond to others' つぶやき (status updates) or post my own つぶやき. The app version is easier to use than the online site.

Even when I started using Twitter for my friends, I was using it a lot at first. But Twitter is still Twitter to me. It's not very interesting nor is it fun. It's like a facebook but of nothing. I post pictures on it every so often and write a tweet in Japanese (I only use it for Japanese, but I post things in English every so often). But then as I scroll down to just see what has been happening, I'm thinking "why the hell do I need to know what these people are doing with their lives?" And I get disgusted with Twitter again. To be honest, I don't even know why I have 17 followers.... I follow 21 people, over half of them are my friends in Japan, but the others are little stars or people who post rarely as well, but usually have something important to say. A good amount of my followers are my Japanese friends as well, which is what I wanted to keep in contact, but people from SUNY began to follow me... and I refuse to follow them. I don't want to see statuses from them other than facebook, and even from facebook their posts sometimes never show. I just think, my life is not that spectacular, and the weirdest parts about it, I usually never reveal on statues. This blog is probably the only place I get personal with myself. And not everyone gets a look either.

But the SUNY friends can follow me, it doesn't bother me much actually. But I just won't give back the favor of following them.

But thanks to these apps, I'm using mixi more often and Twitter on a basis that's not everyday. Facebook has always been a different story. It takes over my life.... lol.... if only it was funny haa.

It's like what, 1:50am and I'm drinking champagne... 

maybe another mimosa before sleep lol.... I already took a 3hr nap though. Chinese test tomorrow, -sigh- I feel like drawing and music.

Tomorrow I need to figure out the rest of these study abroad forms that they suddenly sent me. So much for waiting on an acceptance letter :O

..............oh....wait. 

Sleep with me tonight

It's ridiculous what I've done. He comes back out of the blue, says he missed talking to me, but then all I feel like is a toy. To be honest though, when I think about it, that's all girls really are. A toy for men.

I'm wrong though too.
Some girls aren't like that at all. Some girls take simple pleasures as an enjoyment. More than just a thing to do. How do I put it.... they're like men. They hunt too. Men want sex so they look for it and take what they can grab. Women on the other hand, it's not so hard for them to get sex. If they want it.

But they hunt men down too. But there's worse. There's the women who hunt men down just to drown away their loneliness. But when the man disappears or they realize that it's become to dangerous to continue their game, the loneliness comes back. I've played that game. And it's no longer fun when you're left with a guilty conscious.

So then is it better to just be the toy? You have a night, but you're still wondering what you're doing when you wake up in the morning. Is it the same for a man? I wonder that sometimes, but I think I've pretty much have it embedded in my head that men are just terrible creatures most of the time. Most of them.
I've met my share of douchbags, the assholes, the ones who want to get lucky. And then there's the cocky men who think they're all that. They brag about all the girls they dated, and then he thinks he has a right to say that he's had "more than one at a time". What the fuck. Do you think that makes me think high of you now? Oh wait, no. You meant to keep that all a secret.


I just don't get it sometimes. The mentality of sex. I'm probably just way too complicated for these kinds of things. Because, you can imagine anything you want, you can get thrills and excitement from things you would never want in real life. But when it can happen in real life, you go blank. You're heart starts racing and you have to make a decision, a simple decision as a 'yes or no', and you can't do it. You chicken out because you're scared of what you'll be like the next morning, or if you don't pass out to sleep, right when the deed has been done.

Are you regretful? Can you just forget what you've done and think of it as if you've just seen a movie or went out to eat with a friend? Why does sex have to be sex? Why does it have to be so specific a feeling, so specific a sensation, that one can not just act normal after it? That's wrong to say. The correct thing to say is, why am I like this?

It's just me who's acting like this. I'm sure I'm not the only girl out there of course that feels like this. But right now, it's just ME who's complaining about this.

I'm a 21 year old. 21! And the more I think about how I'm wasting my days not trying to have more 'fun' in this selfish game, it makes me angry. But how do you just do that? Because there's too many risks. Without mentioning all the sexual diseases out there, I just don't think I have the emotional state. But I won't know until I try right?

It just contradicts me.
The things you imagine. The wild passions, the men, and flavors. Different experiences, different sensations. Sounds like a porn to me....

What you imagine, contradicting what you really want to be, someone innocent, only sharing a bed with someone you love. Because when you image something like sex, you think of all the possibilities. All the amazing possibilities.
But when it comes to reality, to me, sex is not just about possibilities. It's more like giving yourself away to someone, someone you care about. It's more like giving that person all you have and it makes you happy.

So I don't understand men. I don't understand why sex isn't really all that important most of the time.


I have to change my thoughts though.
Because, he's probably the only one I'll approve of for something like this.
So suddenly. Out of the blue.
And I've fought against temptation too much.

The texting games begin.

A blog written with a cup of iced black coffee and a bowl of Coco Krispies

This weekend has been pretty great. Friday I think was a waste of my time though. I don't really remember what it was that I did anyway. Oh, long blog, and lots of pictures.

But Sunday and Saturday, it felt accomplishing. It felt like last year's summer in a way. This beautiful weather, wanting to go out, wearing pretty clothing all over again instead of worrying on how to stay warm, going to work in the morning and enjoying the rest of the sunshine of the day. Sitting with a cup of iced coffee (successfully homemade this time♥), listening to classic music of the late early 00's.
EXERCISING.
Getting back into that healthy stage from last summer. It's the greatest feeling, you know? I used to play DDR for an hour everyday but I never knew how many calories I was really burning. So I went on workout mode Saturday after playing tennis, and according to workout mode, I burned 455 calories in an hour! Not only that, it said it was equivalent to a 10 mile jog! I was like holy sh*t. I was doing that EVERY DAY. Plus with the addition of tennis, Saturday was amazing. And I would have done it today too if I didn't decide to take up extra hours at work, worked 8 hours Sunday......

There's actually a few things I want to talk about.
1) This whole concept of dieting.
Recently it's been on my mind. Like what it really means and how it's falsely portrayed in society anymore. I myself am a victim to the fake images and beliefs, but it doesn't mean I have a separate opinion on the matter.
2) New things into my lifestyle. And life. Maybe some personal thoughts after that, depending how deep this runs.

I guess I'll start with number 2.

Ever since I got my new itouch (after my last one broke while in Florida and well this one has much better features +IOS 5.1) I've been app crazy, as always. But two apps in particular are going to start helping me out for the future. I'll explain them.

 I circled two apps here. 'My Fitness Pal' and 'Easy Envelop Budget App (EEBA)'. 'My Fitness Pal' is a calorie counter app. Okay, I know "counting calories" is a bogus religion here, but I do believe it has it's benefits. For one thing, it keeps you reminded on what the heck you've been eating all day. Because that's what I'm bad at.

 I track everything that I eat on here and what's really awesome is that there's such a huge database of food that I don't have to type in calories, it already knows! This has me at a 1200 calorie intake a day so I could lose 4lbs a week. This was my intake yesterday. It also tracks the calories burned from exercise therefore allowing me to eat more because I'll still be in my 1200 space by subtracting what I ate from what I lost. So I think this method of calorie counting has it's benefits, also ONLY if you're eating healthy foods would this work and still exercise. I really like this app so far.

This this is EEBA. It's also a tracker but for how much I spend. I've realized that I've been falling behind and spending too much lately instead of saving for HK like I should be. I'm almost at my goal of course, but I want to exceed that goal now.... by an extra $1,000... lol. Anyway, here's an example of my past week. This way I won't ever forget how much I've been spending.



Then these next two apps are for Chinese. eStroke is a great character/dictionary app I paid $7 for (kinda stupid but well worth it). It can read traditional, simplified, and it also gives me the kunyomi and onyomi for Japanese characters! It also has a dictionary too to define Mandarin, Cantonese, and Japanese! So cool, right? Well worth it. It'll help me out for this upcoming year for sure. And then the app near the bottom that I circled as well is an app that has a list of Cantonese slang with their English meanings. I'm not sure how out dated they might be, but it's a long list. I just figured it's really good to know and have.


And so this is what I've been working with lately. It's really keeping me focused and after talking with Rob today, he made me want to try harder. He didn't tell me what I needed to do. He said I need to find what works for me. And he's right. It's hard to find the perfect solution to what will continue to motivate me to study what I think is important. Definitely this change in weather will help motivate me. I found a new favorite spot on campus since sitting by the fountain is no longer an option and with the green fence there it has just become ugly. This place would be the small fountain in front of the Science Library. I was hanging out there today and it felt comfortable. You could still hear the water of the fountain and it's not loud there at all. It was really nice. And even in the Science Library I've found a specific place to sit away from things and with a nice view of outside.

After today, I feel like I can get myself on track again. The sun is out, the weather is warm, it's bright and shinning, it's my environment. And it feels like summer again. The summer of last year. One of the best summers of my life. And I'll end with this. The diet thing is kinda important to me too, I really want to give my opinion, but I feel wide awake and in a mood to study. I'll have another glass of iced coffee maybe, 'cause I'll make tomorrow be a good day.

Foreign, fleeting ships with black flags

Noticing a lot of things.
Pretty much the people around me more than anything.
Pretty much... knowing you're alone.


It's not about love. The love people have given me, I've pushed to the side anyway.
Pushed it away, enough that I can pick at it, but using it to my advantage. Disregarding the emotions they've put into it. It's a selfish move. And I've made family cry.

But how could they understand me?
What I mean is, how can they expect me to feel what they want me to feel? After all, what I've become is a loner. And for the most part it's true. I was working at the mall this morning, and after seeing my co-workers all huddled together talking while I'm filling in clothes and ringing customers out, etc. they all laughed together, exchanged stories, and talked about just, 'things'. And there I stood just wondering what the hell I expected from people.

I love my co-workers. They're all really nice to me and we have fun. But what I saw and felt in that moment was something I could never obtain. That friendship. I wasn't meant to be in their conversation and I knew I had to stay my distance. But it hurt a lot. And I sucked it up the best I could and sang along to Sean Paul's "Hold My Hand" song when it came on. I knew better not to expect something amazing from working here a year now. And that's what I regretted.

I left myself open. I opened the doors to my life to these people instead of keeping them inside like I should have known better. Why should they need to know what makes me upset, the daily occurrences in my everyday life, funny stories. Why should I act like a completely different human being, someone who's fun to be with, always smiling and laughing, and being overly sarcastic for her own good? When yet that person is still me. I love being with most of the people there. I'm happy. And yet, that happiness can never last because I keep moving. And so I hurt myself. Time and time again. Because I don't close my personality, my life, and I laugh.

It hit me hard when she asked about my birthday party this Thursday. I told her I was the one hosting it, and she was surprised.
"Why don't your friends just have one for you? Why are you doing it yourself? That's not your job." ....or so something like that.
I was a little speechless at first. Because she was right. Why am I hosting my own party? If I had friends I would be surprised or they would have considered planning this out without my suggestion to do so. And I realized again.

I'm alone.
Still alone.
I consider most of the people I know as acquaintances. I too didn't know who is a friend or someone who is just in my life. And I've been living my life like this. The people I've wanted to stay in my life have disappeared or on their way of doing so. I've lost contact with someone I wanted to consider a friend and the only way I have a chance at getting them back is through a letter. Which I have yet to send....

I'm throwing this party as a way to hopefully remember the people I used to know. I want them to remember me even though I too will only be a fleeting memory. It's really sad, and I hate my traveling soul. I hate distancing myself from others to avoid getting hurt most of the time. I hate the way I am most of the time.

I left work hardly saying a word. I didn't want to cry after realizing I had nothing.
Then they called me saying they've never seen me like that before. And they were worried, that they don't like to see me sad. They asked if it was something they did; I denied it, promising them I just had something on my mind and it had nothing to do with them. But they worried.

And I acted unreasonably.




It doesn't change anything though. I'm just a traveler. No one will remember me in the future. The ones I knew in high school, the ones I've met in college, the ones who's heart strings I've tugged. I'm just an image in the end. Someone they used to know.

Being forgotten is....
but that's the only life I've lead.

Grab spotlight before it leaves you.
Ask for their attention.
But soon you won't mean anything at all, other than that girl who went away. Who did she really know?
That's right.... I don't know anyone's back story. I don't hang out with anyone either. Only when I'm interested in personal goals do I bother to stand out. I'm such a bitch, really.


I've decided to make a manga.
I drew one page of one I was going to start and started digitally coloring it in through 'Paint Tool SAI' from a good person who told me about it. But as I stood on the bus back home, repeat on a certain dubstep song,
I realized I need something different. More than just heartbreak. Uncertainty, unfamiliar surroundings, addiction, the introduction to new things and a darker society.
Maybe the journey to not only what love is, but the journey to where friendship and trust lies. And breaking habits.

I'll try my hardest. Because I really want to do this. It will be read like a Japanese manga from right to left and it will also be in Japanese. As part as a new hobby I need to begin, to regain a talent and a love I lost but dreamed of continuing, and to learn/practice Japanese



Today, I learned another mistake to learn from.