And you'll be falling for me as I'm falling for you; and then we can run away

Sometime last year I got really into this one fanfiction. A Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction. Like many, I supported the whole Tidus-Yuna thing going on there and I didn't really care about how the Wakka-Lulu thing developed, nor did I care about any of the other characters' possible relationships. Just the main characters were my concern (well, maybe just Rikku would have been awesome too). Then sometime last year I got back into the X-2 couple thing and l started searching up fanfictions. Of course though knowing me, I don't look for the kiddie ones.

FanFiction.net is my home when I need that lift up when I want to read about something cute and well... "perfect".

It's hard to say perfect, it would be more to say that this are more "ideal" than normal couple life.
But even if it's ideal, it doesn't mean it can't be possible in real life too.


And it made me feel better as a person.


Because...
look at me. I'm helpless. I treasure someone a little too much. I've stayed exactly the same way as when he left me. I didn't go out looking for anyone else, I didn't get "experience" if you know what I'm getting at, etc. Same feelings, same dedication.

But then you look at other people.
Those people who really do sleep around and "experience".


It makes me feel better that I'm NOT one of those people.
Because reading this story again... I feel like... all those other people don't know how to be in a relationship, or more like, they don't know what real passion is.

I should explain.
Because even I don't think I'm saying this right.

As I was continuing to clean my room today I came upon a blank disk.
At first I didn't know what it was for but then I remembered, for what purpose I planned to use it. Then I got my thoughts thinking back on that FF X-2 story. And something just clicked.

That feeling.

That feeling of something serious, something you know won't fade away. Something like being able to smile everyday because of that same person. The feeling of knowing you can keep turning back to them to keep you going. I think that's a better way of what I'm trying to say. People who just sleep around for the hell of it can't feel any of that and it's really just.... really sad. But most of the time it's their own fault too.

But do you get what I'm saying?
Like, I feel like I'm better than all of that because I know that feeling. And that I'm one of those people who would trying to make it that serious. And now I feel really disgusted about all those people who don't think of that. Those who do just sleep with whoever they want for thrills. It makes me feel like they don't have a heart yet.


I know that's really rude to say.
Any one reading this could be one of those people.
But it's just something that really hit me. I guess, reading that story again today threw me off guard. It was that perfect amount of romance and description of passion where you just couldn't take it anymore and your heart wanted to melt. Well, since I've bonded to the two characters from years ago it all just seems like the best story ever, very much fitting of their personalities too. 22pages, but the best 22 pages ever, however I'll admit to skipping one or two near the end. Just reading the first page grabs your attention though :)


'Cause when I read that story, I felt like this was happening. Their connection was just too great, too powerful, their feelings were more than just written words. You could feel their lust, their hope, the love they gave each other.



And then I looked at my CD....
And....


There were many times when I felt that same emotion. Many times.
Memories come back.


There's just a different feeling when you're spending time with the person you really really care about, where you both feel the same. It can't be matched even when you surround yourself with many other girls/guys for some fun. That is the feeling those kinds of people are missing out on. If they've never experienced that feeling before, maybe they're lucky or maybe they're unlucky. But I'm glad that I'm still retaining that emotion. I don't know what I'd do without it. Well... I mean I am living without having it anymore, and I really miss it.

I really miss it.

The story is called "That night on Besaid Beach" and is also the title of the first chapter.
If anyone is interested in reading what I think is a very well written romance fanfiction, here's the link:
Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction<<<< clicky ♥

If you aren't familiar with either FF X or X-2 then places, people, and references will be confusing to you. But you can still keep up with the two love birds (I hope). As they say on Quizilla, there are "lemons" lol.

Oh my god, lemon.
I still don't know how they got the word lemon for sex.


But that's what this is.
I would never want to be anything other than this.
I want to be serious about someone all the time in a relationship. It's the right thing to do I think. Not only that, but it makes every moment so much better. Spending time for someone you're serious with, there's no better feeling in the world.

That's why I was going to make that CD.
Remembering the reasons I did so, just make that feeling come back to me again.

But the truth is....
Even though I remember it, because it's been so long since I've had any mutual response,

I feel like I don't know that person on the other side of the world anymore.
And then, I don't know who it is I'm actually in love with anymore. Almost like I made him up.
That feeling... is just as bad as not having the one I talked about.
Sometimes he doesn't feel like the same guy I liked anymore.

This music for you is just a moment of memories that I'll constantly sing to even after our time together has passed

I rearranged my room today.
My stuff is still piled up in the kitchen and on my bed, but I really like where my desk is now, even though I have wires kinda all over the place haha. And just for my readers, I'll give you a sneak peak of it below ;) I'll post a picture. The picture makes it look a lot bigger than the room actually is. Believe me, there's not much space at all but it's still refreshing. Much more refreshing than before. I mean, last time I messed around with my room it didn't feel any different to me. But now, I feel like it really is a different room and hopefully it'll cheer me up :)


I keep thinking about my last blog.

I know it was important for me to post it, but at the same time I feel like it was very rude.
I'm not regretting the post, it's just... something today made me uncomfortable about what I wrote.

While I was cleaning my room I found some old papers from back in November-December that he sent to me. And as I read them, I began to to feel... upset again. Because some of the things said really bothered me. But whether they really bothered me or not, he was right. And the way I see it now is, this blog is just another sad feature of control.

In all honestly that isn't my purpose when I post these.
Most of the time I post these just to let him know that this is what's on my mind, how I'm feeling, and if and when I get upset about something. All of this stuff can be related to him or it can't. I use it as a source of attention. It's very shameful to admit to that but it's the truth. And he knows it too. But then at the same time, after reading that old note, I felt like I understood how this also seems as a means of control.

I don't want him to hate me anymore.
Or at least... begin to hate me.

Because posting some things can only lead to bad feelings. And well, sometimes unconscious control.

I'm an idiot. I really am.
Here I've been thinking that if he kept reading these and began to understand how he was making me feel, then things would get better. But now I feel like it's getting worse. I don't want him sad all the time. Or unhappy or displeased.

He's right.
It's his life. And I need to stay out of it.


I know he's not the greatest guy out there. And he's.... well.... self-absorbed. And I've learned more things I could hate about him over this past year and I'm sure he came with just as many good reasons to call me a bitch, stalker, emotional, etc. person and have good reason for it.

I was upset at him. That's all I wanted him to know.

But I don't want it to change anything.


I'm going to stop getting into his life.
It's honestly too late to even begin doing this because it can't have as much of a positive effect as it could have sooner but...
I know why this is.

Let's admit it. He's my first for a lot of things. And things like that are hard to let go of.
I don't want to let go, no not at all. So I'm still hoping I can still be here for him when he gets back.
But I've been going about this all wrong.
I swear it's like trial and error with me.

I still have mixed thoughts about buying that webcam though just because of what happened. But I mean, it's not like it was all bad. I was just in a crummy mood and I regretted it all. How could I regret it? It's not like he was just anyone to me.


I need to correct myself badly.
My bad habits are going to far.
No one will want to deal with me eventually.


Maybe I've been going to far for both of us when I used the word "love".
Maybe I feellllllllll like I love him but, it's wrong to push a word as strong as that onto someone.

Wien Chung,
I reallyyyyy like you :)

I know you can be a pretty bad guy (lol)
but you're still pretty cool to me.
The coolest guy I know.
So, I like you, a lot.

haha Gosh, this just sounds really horrible and pathetic right now >w<

but I really am serious.
We both have our own lives and I should stop caring about which path he decided to take.
Sure I care, but you know, we're separate now no matter how hard it is to say that.

But I'll still be waiting.
I've continued to keep my promise. That promise to myself.

But I'm really glad I found that letter again.
Kinda painful to read, but without pain how is one to correct and learn from their mistakes?


Here's a sneak peak of my room before I go to sleep. Work in the AM.
I swear I work enough hours to be a full-time worker.
FMLLL

I'll post a video to Facebook hopefully tomorrow though to give the final presentation and a 360* view ;)
And yes, my bra is hanging on the wall.... don't ask questions. lol

Only in fairytales

I made a mistake when I bought my webcam. There was no point in having it. I told myself I wouldn't do this shit anymore, and look what I did. I regret it again, just like I've regretted all the other times.

Because there is no point in this.


I'm tired of crying.

He doesn't get it.
He says he knows how much I love him, but he doesn't.
And then every time I tell him I miss him or anything to express any of my emotions, all he tells me is "understood".


What is that?
That just really hurts. He doesn't even acknowledge me here, that's what it means. How can you just "understand" and accept something as much as a confession of ones feelings as something "understood"? That is just the worst word to use. And I always blew it off before... but yesterday I couldn't anymore.

I cried.
I cried because I felt like nothing.
And then I went to work still feeling the tears dry around my eyes. Forcing a smile for my manager.



I watched Phantom of the Opera yesterday.
The movie was incredible, and I fell in love with it.
I couldn't ask for a better love story.

I've been listening to random music but it always seems like all Chinese music is love related.
Not sure if that's even a good thing....


But I don't know what to do.
I feel so apart after yesterday. I don't know what I'm doing. And when this happens all I can do is think of all the reasons I should give up. Like how he gave up, or how there's no way he would have liked me before he left or he wouldn't have done this to me, or how there's no way he could still care about me if he already tried to get someone else, and all these other random thoughts. And then I feel like I'm being lied to.

And for the first time,
I felt like I was being treated like shit.

Just because I gave my feelings.


There's no point in me saying anything because whether it's sincere or not I just end up crying in the end.
Because I'm pushed back down to the dirt.


So I try to think of the reasons I should just give up. Things about me. Because it's easier to take this constant rejection if I blame myself for something. If if I blame myself for that, if I feel not worthy, it makes things easier. Things like I'm not pretty enough, or I'm just too stupid, or something like that. I think of all my bad features and work from that.

But that always only lasts for so long.
Because then I'm dragged back in from talks with him that make me feel almost accepted.
Accepted, but I clearly know it's nothing but friend conversation. But even still... because of all the words about myself stuffed into my head, and realizing how right he probably is, it hurts to joke around with him when he calls me stupid. Even that I can only take so much.

And then my shelf fell off my wall last night.
And just with all these bad things happening, I just feel depressed and cry more often.

Because I really do care.
I'm not being creepy. It's just, I know I want this for a reason.
Since when was it so wrong to know you want to protect this person? That you want to care for this person? Since when was it ever wrong to be so serious about someone you'd do anything for them? Since when was that something only a wife would do?


What's even true anymore...
Is it him that's not worth everything I'm willing to give....
Or is it me that's not worth everything he is.....


I know he's happy over there.... but why does he have to be mean to me here?
I just miss him.... but it never seems like he appreciates it.

I can't do this anymore....
I don't know when I'm going to break.
What am I doing wrong?
I don't understand anymore.

I found this GIF (below) online somewhere.
It has a lot to say.... but every bit of it is correct.
And the last sentence....
I just want that acceptance too. Because I felt perfect with him.
And I'd still give anything to feel perfect again.
I'm an idiot, I know this.... but I can't let go of my feelings.
No matter how much I should force myself to disappear from any part of his life.

He doesn't understand how I feel.
I don't know how to respond anymore.
What should I do?

A terrible addiction

Internet radio on my iPod.


I am so attached to this, it's getting ridiculus.

I've been attending to two different stations,
one is a dance/techno radio station in Chicago,
the other an Asian music station (plays Japanese, Korean, and Chinese) that's centered in Hong Kong.

I'll just sit around and listen in between stations and write down songs I really liked.
I was able to collected a few Chinese songs, and I got a broader view of how far out the dance community stretches. I remember back in junior high/high school, on Friday nights after 10 I think it was, they had remix night of all the popular songs on this one radio station and I'd always go to sleep listening to it. It made my nights complete.

It's been one of those things that's keeping me going, well, keeping me happy here.
Like I said, laying on my bed, listening to the internet radio with the lights of and window open for the warm summer breeze, it's the greatest relaxation I feel. Especially when it's the dance station I'm listening to.

The Asian station is nice too, but ever since a long time ago, me and dance just got along really well :)


I like internet radio ♥

An original mix, here's to us

I think I dream a little too much.

Trying to figure out what part of reality I should take with me is the hardest part. Throughout this year I could of had multiple realities, multiple decisions. Choices existed.

For some reason, I just feel unsatisfied. I probably know why but I really don't want to admit to it. And when I think about the other position, I feel either disgusted or really.. broken. I mean, I understand that's how life is and that most if not all are like that. But I can't swallow it when it comes to me. Swallowing the fact that it most likely happened just leaves a hole inside me. It stays there for a long time. So then I hide from all other realities. Following the path of a dead end reality. Well, it probably is a dead end somewhere along the way.

Imaging images of what could be or what it must have been like. It's disgusting. Then again, I see something else. But that too isn't a good feeling.

The fact that I'm still here though has to mean something.
Isn't everything supposed to be okay in the end?
Weren't those always the words I'm supposed to believe for the rest of my life?


If everything is supposed to be okay then eventually I have to climb somewhere at some point, right? Somewhere on this reality I'll have to move onto another one?

I'm trying to understand. I know I'm not the brightest person but, I'd hate to consider myself stupid. Especially right now. I just thought I was being the better person, at least in the best way I could put that.

But I'm too complicated.

Climbing up, or just taking that drop.
Either way I'm not satisfied, and I'm tired of the images. If I'm existing in this reality, if I'm alive in this reality.

All the past seem like dreams.
Because I dream too much.

The past choices are only what were possible realities. In the end, I still chose this dead end fairytale.

Feeling mixed up and uncertain, looking for that special push to go higher. A certain happiness that seems hard to obtain. That safe place where you know the ground won't disappear below you. A soft pillow. A satisfaction, without those scary thoughts.

And then,
there was everything.
I can find it.

I feel like this is what damaged is.


"Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that I know
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged so how would I know
I'm scared, and I'm alone
I'm ashamed, I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause I feel you
I feel you near me"

But I wish you would come with me and choose my hand to hold...

Confused again.
Don't know what I'm thinking.
Wondering what regret is.
It turned into one of those days where fears crawl their way forward, wanting to crush my being...

Crushing me enough that I'm crying for it all to please stop.
But it won't.



It was another one of those days.

I should blame myself, I get too curious and seek some form of truth even if it does nothing but hurt me.

It was another one of those days...




And I think I'm stupid.
Like I'm not smart at all.
Why does everyone think I'm stupid???

After today, words went in and out of my memories. Memories...
Can't they all just disappear for once?
What do I need these for?
What do they want from me?





I went searching for a new job today.
And got an interview on the spot at P.S, an Aeropostale for younger kids. I'll know in two days if I have the job or not, but I really do hope I get it... the manager was telling me about the amazing deals they get on clothes. That would be really nice.

And I'm finally done with Korean in my life.
Now I can study Cantonese like I planned to.


I haven't slept in like three days..
I just want to cry anymore..


Fuck..
What am I doing to myself..

A summer full of uncertainty

Not exactly sure how I should put this, but this summer feels so uncertain anymore. Classes just ended today and here I am just sitting here like what will be a normal summer night.

A normal summer night...

It's times like this I really wish this apartment had a front or back deck, not a indoor back porch like we have here now. I want to sit outside and listen to the piano. Like I am now.
Listen to this.
"Musique pour la Tristesse de Xion"

Other good piano versions:
"Final Fantasy X-2 Piano Collections - Wind Crest"
"Final Fantasy X-2 Piano Collections - Eternity Memory of Lightwaves"
"Halo 2 piano cover - Unforgotten"
"Higurashi no naku koro ni - Dear You piano version" (I've loved this song for over 5 years now)
For "Dear You", I listened to every version of all the characters from the series singing it. Even the original versions sung are breathtaking.

I'd sit there outside on my porch or deck just listening. Closing my eyes, breathing. My heart would stop at the delicate notes played.

I began to love the piano more than often since last year.
I always thought it was beautiful but... now I hear something else.
It's become a habit to randomly search piano versions of songs and just enjoy the sound.


I was just thinking...
all those things I planned to do, in a night like this, seem somewhat distant...

This is the end of a three year's dream, but there are 1000 more words to learn to say 'I love you' with this next venture

Looking forward to something for three years, and then to have to say goodbye to it really... sucks.

Ever since I came back from Japan in August 2009, my dream was to go back and exchange for a year in Tokyo. I got so excited, I went to see the Japan advisory within the first 2 months of starting classes to get information. I was so excited...

And to see my dream fall like that...
it's really hard to swallow.



But, things happened.
And it somewhat began as words of revenge, but then as I looked up more information about it, I began to get... excited. I had to think of my future first. I'm not as lucky like many people who were born knowing two languages. I was stuck with one. One language to speak the rest of my life. Clearly my parents didn't see this coming at all; me learning more. And it upsets me to think about how my life as a kid was wasted unproductive.

While there's children worldwide taking English seriously both in school and by pressure of their families or surroundings, I'm stuck knowing none but one.



And that's when the future plays a roll.


I want to have fun.
I want to see my friends again.
I want to do what I WANT, and not have to be thinking about all this useless future stuff.

But if that was the case, I should have just studied abroad this past year or the next year, instead of being an idiot and waiting until senior year. And I had to think about myself for once. Think about what I said I wanted. I want Japan, but there's one thing I want even more.

The ability to speak languages. To be able to communicate, and be understood.


That being said, I had to make a serious decision.
Based on this, and considering what position I'll be in starting this August, it became clear that Japan could no longer be an option. What am I going to do? What am I going to accomplish by going to Japan? Learning Japanese? That thought alone is foolish. There are many people who learn Japanese fluently just by using the tools around them. I'm more than confident about my Japanese and to prove it I'm going to pass the JLPT level 2. This December.

This August, I'm going to be living with a Japanese friend and even now we meet sometimes. Only Japanese is spoken. I'm gradually improving more and more and I know living with him will be amazingly beneficial for me. I'm so grateful to have this opportunity.

And then I'm officially giving up on Korean and auditing Chinese next semester. Chinese is best for me to learn considering how much I love characters/kanji so much. And it's a very needed language right now for many jobs. But I wanted to learn something else... and because of being very busy this year, I couldn't keep up with it. But now I can learn both, and not only that, I can continue my Japanese studies while there. It's much cheaper too, considering me and my family don't have that much money. The campus looks beautiful and they have a much bigger course selection for me.

So...


It's been decided.
And I can't wait.