The days you want to get depressed, or feel the need to be depressed, everything feels to get in the way. People come into that attraction of needing to talk to you when you just want to shut the world out. You then carry the burden of their worry for you. Which is annoying.
The ones who compliment you, tell you look beautiful, then to shut you down when you can't give them what they want. The one's you pursued, took, then left and their negative thoughts about you then start to circulate. The one that's always been there turns into a desperate puppy, making yourself feel like it's been a lie. Every nice word was all for the attraction of just being able to sleep with you. He looses his girlfriend, you out of concern asks what happened, in the end you've became an 'easy' target, and that's probably all you've ever been since the summer.
And the worst part of that is, in reality you really are. You're heart is just too scared to respond, and your body isn't up to your standards.
And with the random confessions of what you've appeared like that you suddenly receive from the people around you, you take it with a smile and a thank you. But then you feel like it's just some excuse on them trying to make you feel better, and them not understanding you when you yourself believe you would do something stupid when they wouldn't expect from you.
"Do you wanna go to a Korean restaurant tonight?" he asks. You're uncomfortable. Started something again. Regret: possibly. Ready? Not nearly enough.
Once again, a whore. Looking for escape.
Right and wrong decisions.
Interactions.
Just bullshit.
You won't say anything.
You hate talking about it. Only because you can't express yourself right because you just feel so complicated.
How much tea does one have to drink in order to get drunk off of it?
You'll wash out all your nutrients in your body. It won't be yellow anymore.
It is a drug. Tea is a way to make you feel better instead of eating. Tea is a substitute for food, a weight loss pill. Go ahead and make yourself look beautiful and thin. Go ahead and look like an anorexic girl. You have it so embedded in your mind that's what guys like. Go ahead and aim for that 128lbs. Drink more. Keep drinking it.
If beauty is never the main focus, why is it the only attraction?
You start from a image based on that group of society and on hope of winning the object your desires. Attraction is focus. Attraction is all that matters, isn't that correct? Isn't that what you want to be correct?
You don't want to keep hearing from people that you're beautiful. You don't believe any of it. If you can't believe what they say yourself, what makes it so true? You need to feel beautiful in order to believe that you're beautiful.
It's been... a long time since it's felt like this.
And I can't run away. I have nowhere to go.
Are you surprised? Yes, I am.
That things would be so hard.
You have no experience. Only yourself and the images you've created. And somehow that feels natural.
You've created a lie that you continue to write. There's a selected amount of people who don't know the truth and only the story you've created to satisfy you're desires. How much is exactly true is up to how much you want to incorporate the truth into the fold of what's part of your other reality.
You're tired of thinking. You fall asleep.
Never knowing was probably better than knowing.
The unknown was more exciting as unknown. The thought and temptation was more satisfying as an idea.
But you're not alone in the battle.
Maybe you need to find someone who feels the same as you. They say you shouldn't group yourself with someone feeling just as negative, but how else will anyone understand you?
"I know how you're feeling, we've all been there."
"It'll all get better soon, try to cheer up okay?"
"There's much better out there, don't get so hung up."
"You're beautiful, so stop saying all that."
"You know, I..."
Did you know I didn't expect things to change?
Did you know no one else can reach me?
Aren't you..... lucky.
Because you know that you aren't 'easy'. You never were. You're indecisive. You have low self-esteem. You don't know how to properly take a compliment without wanting to deny it. You don't know what kindness really is from a person and are easily deceived. You question, but take no action.
You want attention.
But that's why, you have to, have to, you really have to exceed beyond what it represents.
And it's harder and harder even after all you say you'll do.
Because drugs don't really ever go away. But you still don't realize, or want to admit that there's something seriously wrong with you. You can fix it, but then you can't get the same high. And that high was the best feeling every time it returns to you.
"Let me in," in screams.
So let me cry. Because beauty can't win. Happiness.. smiling.
You'd only tell me to smile. And I would. So I try to smile.
You try to be beautiful by smiling. You try to make that bad day into a good day. But you guess it just hurts because of the knowledge of something good. You have no reason to hate them. And you were too stupid to catch it earlier. Maybe you could have done something better. But in most chances, there was probably nothing you could do. And you know this. It's just... stupid.
Writing it all down, does it really make you feel that much better? Emotions into written words.
So go ahead and drink your tea towards beauty. If that is all that will satisfy you.
