Not just Sailor Moon, I started watching the Higurashi no Naku koro Ni series over, Chrono Crusade, Demashita Powerpuff Girls Z, etc. I've been watching them in raw format too which makes it a little more interesting and helps me to practice my listening. I feel like I'm turning back into that high school girl I once was.
....but when I say that....
I get really upset and scared.
Me in high school.... I hated myself a lot. Because of how I was.
Maybe I've gained enough confidence about myself throughout these past two years but it doesn't change how scared I feel about becoming that girl again. I was a really sad person, relied on anime to bring my hopes up and make me happy, and fantasizing.... too much. Fantasizing something that couldn't be really for me, and then when it did, I lost it. It makes me upset to think I've ever pretended to have something. But I've been doing that for awhile now anyway it seems.
But in any case I'm still watching some of my old shows, praying that I don't become that addict I once was.
I've also became sickly obsessed with a certain fanfiction from an autor who releases a new chapter every Saturday morning. I look forward to it all the time, and it brightens my day. It's pretty sad actually hahaa.... it's a Sailor Moon fanfiction, but Minako (Sailor Venus) was always my favorite and this author writes her life and all the other Sailor Senshi's lives when they're older and in their 20s. But the way he writes Minako's life is just how I always imagined her to be. Perverted in a way still obsessed with finding love. But what I found even better about this author's writing is that he follows how in the manga Minako was told she will never find love by this guy who lusted for her. And now in this story, she's in her second marriage and because that guy who she lusted for and he did same came back into her life, he ruins EVERYTHING and she's stuck alone again. Her marrage now though is SO perfect but I know because of this other guy AGAIN (his name is Ace) her life becomes turmoil and love fails again because she couldn't stop herself from having sex with Ace. But no one wants to read me rave about this amazing fanfiction so I'll stop there.
I'm working a third job.
Because....
I don't know what else to do with myself.
It's like I'd rather overwork myself instead of leave my thoughts to wander.
I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore.
My thoughts tend to wander away anyway.
I care about him a lot, and I just wish I could show him that I could make him happy like before every time he was with me. I'm not sure how to do it though, if I can't spend the time with him.
I'd write him a love song, but I'm not very good at music.
All I could ever do was draw.
These recent days seem harder and harder, and the strain seems more apparent. But like I wrote in my last blog, I won't give up, I can't.
I care too much about him, I want to love him. I want to show him that I do too.
I know I've screwed up.
I know I've become annoying.
But knowing all of this just makes me want to work harder.
It may seem like it's just another thing but, I've honestly learned a lot through this past year without him. I've learned how much he means to me and to what extent I'd go to to keep him here in my arms. It sounds stupid. But I'm 100% positive that I'm a better girlfriend than I was before. I know where I went wrong. And I'm willing to re-write all my previous steps to glue up all the broken pieces.
I just need him to believe in me.
I'm going to keep fighting.
I'll keep fighting, and hopefully soon I'll reach that point where I can truly prove myself.
I'm a stupid girl, for someone everyone tells me to forget about.
But I want to do something right in my life. And I know this is it.
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