You make many choices in life, so why would you choose the one that makes you cry, that makes you sad at night?

I've been working 8am-5pm on campus all this week. Then had a shift at P.S. 5pm-10pm for two days, well one of those days is tomorrow. It's long and well, tiring I guess you can say. Monday when I first started the 8am shift I woke up at 5:30-6ish and I know this sounds strange but, I smelled the air and it had a familiar scent. I thought I was waking up to go to classes. Last year I woke up around that time everyday so it kinda felt nostalgic. But not in a good way.

I was fine afterwards after I was up for like an hour. I hate taking a shower as soon as I wake up because I feel sleepy while taking it and even when I'm done I'm still not awake. But if I sit around not taking one as soon as I wake up, I'll end up talking myself into sleeping for a few more minutes which then will accidentally turn into an hour or more. Then I get mad at myself. I don't know if I ever said something about myself like that. I get mad at myself easily. Like really easily if I don't do something I'm supposed to. -sigh- That unfortunately will probably never change.

Can you believe though classes are starting up again? Next week already. I bought myself a new agenda at Borders. I keep going there to buy things I don't need. Sales are really addicting to me. This is where my money has been going. Closing sales.

It's bigger though which I really needed. The small one I used for second semester was cute and easy to carry and all but then when it came to writing down homework and etc. the space was limited and I didn't enjoy that much of writing small when I needed to write it quick and leave the class. This one is pretty cute too actually and it's floral ♥. I lovee floral by the way haha.


I'm also reorganizing my music.

This is like... an actual job it feels like. I started today at work since I was there for 9 hours to do nothing. I must have like 3,000 songs on my external hard drive and every single song is not in a folder. It annoyed me for some time, especially when some of the songs don't even have the artist listed. So I started organizing them by language, then artist, then by album (the English songs have a genre section too though for my dubstep and techno). I went crazy. Too many songs, too much work for me. My eyes and brain couldn't do much more once it hit 2pm today. I'm not even halfway done yet. And at the same time I was downloading all these Cantonese albums from this site that has albums from quite a few artists from the past two years. I found so many good albums from artists like Jason Chan, Jonathan Wong, Sherman Chung, and Vincy Chan and now I just can't stop listening to Cantonese music. Right now it's become such an addiction. It sounds amazing, and sung so beautifully. Something happened since I found my first album, and now I'm just super excited about going to Hong Kong. What's more is that I'm more excited to be able to speak it, like I just want to meet someone really bad now and practice saying things all the time now. It's not a very good thing for certain reasons but, I just want to learn more and more and use it and just everything! I can't wait!


And then another bad thought, well, ugh.....
something so stupid. Something that won't even happen anyway. Why am I even bothering to say something? I sometimes wonder... why I do some of the things I do. Or what's worse, why I think of some of the things I think about. I read a quote today that probably everyone should really take into their own lives. But at the same time, that quote made me really upset. While it was supposed to be inspirational, I found it to be really.... depressing. People are choosing to be a way but at the same time they're not. Because no matter how hard they try, sometimes it's just impossible to be that way. The quote was "If you want to be happy, be" - Leo Tolstoy

I thought about that.

What he says is unbelievably true. But you know.... some times there's just so many things weighing a person down that.... forcing a smile or a laugh can be the most painful thing in the world to you. Someone close to me came in my mind when I thought about that quote. It made me sad because I couldn't blame him for making a poor decision. And I blamed myself for not trying to make him happier. Because even though I know I should be doing everything I can for him, the me I am now isn't complying with what is right in my mind. It's just such a sad feeling, something so hurtful.

Maybe I should sleep leaving it on that note.

I'd cross out our eyes in sharpie, but the picture is too sweet to do so

I haven't posted in over a week now, I was just kinda busy. Working too much, and enjoying time with a visitor.

I kinda really want to talk about that. It's really important for me since I've constantly posted again and again about my love life. Just because I wanted anyone to listen and hear me without saying it in person. But after all my complaining, nothing changed in the end. I mean, we aren't dating. I've learned to accept that I think, but I still wish we could of had one more shot. At least try to start over, you know?

I was hurt but, I can't do much about it. You can't force someone. Things happen, and well, in the end he couldn't do it. He couldn't think of me the same way like he used to. It sucks, it really does. But, we're still good friends I hope. As long as I can keep that I'll be fine. I'm happy that I really was able to change for him though. I really did become a better person.


Besides spending time with him and spending wayyyy too much money and stuff, I've just been working once a week at Sushi Tei and just work really. But I'm done with Sushi Tei now so I'm glad. I don't know why I said I missed it anymore. It was just so inconvenient and too much unnecessary pressure and not to mention I got screwed on my tips or I was getting paid less. I mean honestly. It wasn't worth it. I'm looking for another job on campus though for work-study. My work-study job last year upgraded me to SA (student assistant) so now I can get another work-study job. I'm hoping the job I had freshman year will take me back because all I did was sit there for 3 hours and do nothing so I can use the time to study and such. And I can only do nights anyway so it works out for me. If I don't get an email before classes I'll just go to them and annoy the hell out of them until I'm accepted. I want the job. I can use extra free money.

There's just so much.
Classes start next Monday, and I want to say I'm very excited. I want to try really hard and especially want to do my best to pass the JLPT 2 this December. So I think I'm really excited to actually try to fix myself from last year. Freshman year I did so good in my grades and I really need to try hard all over again I really fucked up last year... I was just worrying about things that shouldn't have been more important to me. I know why I did so good freshman year.... but because I can't get the same results I have to put more pressure on myself to care more about my grades.

I feel like it will also help me start learning Cantonese on my own too. I really need to find someone though to help me, I would prefer an actual international student from Hong Kong so I could become like his/her really good American friend or something but I have no idea how to find someone. So... I don't know.

There's so much I need to improve on.
It's come to my attention too that my ass is really fat. -sigh-

I have been lazy on the DDR lately so yesterday I decided to play DDR no matter what for at least one hour each day before going to sleep. And then I'll do squats afterwards to try to do something about my ass.... And then thanks to the new year started I can really start following that diet thing I planned for the longest time. I'll be making myself lunch the night before to take to classes, like a salad or something small and lightweight and such. It's always good to have 3 full meals a day, but you just have to eat in small portions. And it'll keep up my metabolism and free from hunger moments. So I need to go to Walmart and buy small tupperware that I can bring to classes with me. I would reallyyyy like a cute bento box but there are none around here and certainly nothing cute. So, maybe I'll ask my friend to buy me something in Flushing and bring it down. I want to eat my daily meals out of something supper cute ♥ And another goal of mine is to make lots of different meals, specifically Asian and other small, easy American dishes. For both lunch and dinner. Cooking is seriously my new hobby and I love it so much :)

Another thing I'm going to do is buy a cover for my computer. I'm going to be using a backpack this year and I'm going to start carrying my computer around since it's now much lighter and smaller than my last one. It'll be able to help me keep studying here at work on campus when I can't get to a library computer and I mean, if you don't play something fun or doing something fun for a bit then your brain begins to hurt so... I'll use it to beat random FB people on Tetris haha. I'm slowly figuring out what exactly is right. Took me too long to see clearly though.


And well, because of this new semester, I've made another blog. Nothing is posted on it, I just spent my entire 7 hours here working on campus to design it haha. I'll start using that one once Monday starts and that's where I'll be posting. It's going to be my third blog haha.... that's kinda pathetic in a way. I mean, I do have to admit, writing your life for the world to read on a blog is pretty stupid and obviously signals that you have no life. But, I try to think of it more as just motivation to make me do things. So look forward to my new blog based on my new college life with just random thoughts, how my life is moving ahead, and anything else really. Maybe you'll find something motivational for yourself as well :)

I have one more year to go in this college. Then I'll be abroad once more.
Lets go and aim forward

Why girls fall in love with men, things never seem to change

Last night, I had hooka for the first time, pomegranate flavor with tobacco.

I haven't smoked in a long time. Well, I'm that girl who just doesn't smoke. Not like I have anything against it, I'm just personally not a smoker. Okay, I have something against LONG TERM SMOKERS, just because... the future effects really scare me. And I don't like when people try to destroy their body like that knowing it'll cause them to possibly get lung cancer. I guess that's why I could never become a smoker myself. I love trying new things, but if it's harmful or dangerous, I can't keep up with it.

I guess I really am too innocent.

Hence the meaning of my name. -sigh- Saying it like that just sounds like a curse, doesn't it?


I would like to try smoking a cigarette again though, just because it's been two years since I last gave it a shot. There's actually one thing I've always wanted to do though, ever since I turned 18.

Buy a pack of cigarettes.

I know this may sound reallyyy silly, but I've always wanted to do it just to say that I've bought cigarettes before. It's like turning 21 and being able to buy alcohol for the first time. I've never done this yet and I really want to but it wasn't until now that I remembered how much I wanted to do it. I'm not really sure what I would do with the pack anyway, I mean it would be kinda wasteful to just keep it without opening it. I guess that means I'd have to buy a lighter too.... haha, but you know, I was never good at smoking! I was trying to smoke hooka properly last night but I failed at that and yes, I coughed again. Same like when I had pot for the first time.... and when I had a cig for the first time.... smoke just doesn't work with me it seems. But I enjoyed it, it smelled good, and it was kinda cool.... to blow it out hahahaaaaa



One thing that has to be on my sexy list:
Kissing with the taste of tobacco in one's mouth.

I've only done it a few times! And after awhile I do admit I got really sick of it, tasting it all the time. I was just thinking, "seriously, could you just quit with the smoking? You taste bad." And so I was happy when it stopped. But recently.... and I mean this thought of mine has been going through my head for a few weeks now, I really miss that taste. It like, brings out a new level of temptation and seduction I can't quite explain. Just tasting it along their tongue, their gums..... it's sooo good.

But I know I'll sick of it again if I get too much of it. So it's like a really nice treat every so often.

You gotta admit, guys can look pretty sexy and intelligent if you see them outside smoking. But those chain smokers, gotta go.



I never quite understood it though.
Why do people who smoke enjoy smoking right after sex?

I mean, even for a non-chain smoker, if you did that I would be quite annoyed. What pleasure is in that bud that it's almost necessary to in-hail smoke right afterwards? I would rather be cuddled up after having something amazing. Not rest against the chest of a guy sitting up in bed enjoying a cig. I just don't get it. There's girls who are exactly the same way. Then there's the couples who do it together! If you do it together, good for you both, but I don't understand it. I don't think there's any explanation that would make sense to me to be honest.

Ahhhhh ahhhh


The more I think about this....
We're so stupid. Women really are.
We fall for the wrong men sometimes.
But can't help when they make us smile.

I'll try smoking again in the future. And I'll buy that pack of cigarettes too!
I want that special, sexy kiss ;) hahaaa lollll

It's the way he kisses you, the way he touches you that makes you lose common sense

I'm still falling apart even when there's days I feel like I've gotten over all of this.

This is just really painful still. It's like a black, heavy mass of something just sitting in my torso. I tell myself time and time again that I'm over him. I just need closure. I know that's all I need! Then I can stop with the wishing and just get over myself.

I don't like this idea of waiting.... until October.
It's not like I'm going to hurt him or cling onto his arm. I just want to return his ring.
Return it so I don't have to hope anymore.



I don't understand how girls can be like this. We're grouped up to either caring less about the men we associate ourselves with and going with the flow, or we get attached and find it hard to let go.

Girls are so ridiculous.
I hate how complicated we have to be. I can't just go with the flow. Things just aren't that simple. Like I said before, I failed at that. I'm just not that kind of girl in the end.


The way we look at what women are is also just stupid.
The way we look at beauty.... it's unbelievable....


I've never really been one for make up. But most women wear it. Over half of American women, more than half of the entire world's population of women wear make up. I've tried before back in high school. I don't really like how it looks on me. When I was in Japan, I had to go on a mini-runway to show off a kimono. They dressed me up and applied the makeup..... but I just looked at myself and I thought it was ugly. My friend did my makeup for me once too and it looked wrong on me... and she's really good at putting makeup on herself too.


I'm not saying makeup is a bad thing. Many girls look beautiful with it on, and well.... lots of times I wish I could share that feeling with them. But what happened to a natural oneself?  It just makes me think about plastic surgery too... you're destroying your real image just to please a crowd.


Maybe I'm just envious that I can't look as amazing as others with makeup. I can't really plan to go to a party and look fantastic by spending time in front of a mirror for an hour, and.... my main reason I don't wear concealer is because of my skin. I know they make oil-free concealer and shit but, I guess I'm just paranoid that it'll clog my pores anyway and spread the bacteria and I don't want my skin to get worse than it already is. But if you only use eyeliner, it kinda looks funny without the rest, right?


I guess, maybe for me, I just don't want to lie about my appearance. Most girls who wear makeup still look really good without it, but I'm just kinda the opposite. So, I don't want to lie about my real appearance. I want everyone to know this is how I am. Skin problems but with a good heart.


I guess, I'm just trying to make up for that lack of beauty.
Some days it looks like my skin is slowly getting better but I mean, it's not really getting so clear that you can notice a whole difference. I've just been trying to keep up with medicine and trying to take care of it but you know how it is... well, then again maybe no one does. It's been something throughout my entire life that I've been dealing with, so it hits me hard.

All I can say is that I'm trying to make up for it in other ways. Making sure I have white teeth, still applying medication to my skin hoping for the best, keeping my weight stable, eating more veggies and drinking more water, etc. Trying to make better choices for the things I lack in.

I really do feel lucky though in a way.
Because, something that frightened me year after year, something that made me cry night after night, after years of just feeling horrible about myself..... I can move on. I stopped caring how my skin or face looks in front of people after some time. I stopped with the concealer, I eventually dropped the eyeliner, and I just kept my original appearance. I still hid myself around people, hardly anyone can tell I have bad skin when my hair is down... but at least this way there was nothing else covering my problems. Because... if someone got to know me, I'd feel guilty that I didn't let them see my true self. Then I'd be hurt in the end if I didn't live up to what they thought I was.


I was really scared of that.
I was really afraid of being with someone because I knew eventually the whole "dating" stage would end and then we'd get down to you know, "the sex stage". The only times I was able to go through the dating stages were twice in high school, and so when it went right to the sex stage in college.... I was really not sure what to do. I never got to know the guy well and he never got to know me.... maybe I was just desperate to get rid of my virginity but.... once it happened I got really worried.

Here I was, sleeping next to a guy who only saw my outer appearance and I was so scared to turn my head in a direction where he could see my flaws, where I couldn't pretend to be pretty anymore. It scared me. I thought he honestly wouldn't like me anymore. And then it eventually got so bad, I became paranoid, and I thought I should end things before I got hurt because I wasn't beautiful anymore. But it didn't matter to him. He stayed there.



When it comes to beauty, I'm really sensitive....


So... I guess maybe this is why it's so painful.
At that time of meeting him, I was still trying to change myself for a different guy. I was trying to be prettier, trying to fix my skin again, trying anything to gain his attention again because I knew I couldn't possibly have lived to his standards of his type of girl. And then, this idiot comes along and takes me how I was. The me still trying to figure out what beauty was. What it meant for me to be beautiful. And he took every ugly part of me without much complaint.


Ever since then, I've cared less and less about how I look in front of people when I'm home. I'll wear my hair up and not care that I have bad skin. I shouldn't care what they think of me, they're not someone I'm trying to impress anyway.

And I've met so many kind people.
I've been told time and time again how pretty I look, and I'm complimented on many different occasions for some outfits or even if my hair is up a few people have told me I look really cute and I have been told I look cute with my glasses on too. I smile and say thank you every time, but as I'm typing this right now, I'm actually crying. Because it means so much to me to hear something like that. Fighting with myself just to figure out how to be beautiful, fighting with this low self-esteem I have..... I can't possibly tell you how happy I am.

I'm without makeup, I'm not hiding these flaws, and somehow, somehow, there's kind people who make me feel better. Being told that I'm beautiful... makes me feel like the happiest girl at that moment.

That's why sometimes, when I hear Bruno Mars' song "Just The Way You Are", when I first listened to those lyrics, I cried. Because a guy who can tell their girl exactly that, he's made their day a whole lot better. If I had a guy who would tell me that every morning when I woke up, I'd never let us fall apart. I would hug him.... I would hold him forever in that bed.

"Thank you" is what I would reply, and would probably cry a bit too hahaaa.

A word for the guys with special girls out there:
Don't ever forget to let her know that she's beautiful.
Because she's trying her best to look good for you, for you to keep accepting her. Don't let her attempts go unnoticed. She cares a lot for you.

I'm 20 years old, but I'm feeling like I'm 15

The number 20 doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me like it used to. You call me 20 but recently as I think about being 20, I can't feel it at all. I wonder why that is. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. Just a stupid high school sophomore.

I thought about it for a little.
And I think it might have been because I've been watching Sailor Moon and translating my mangas.
I mean, those girls are only 13 years old when they start out, then they eventually become high school students once the Stars season starts. There's an obvious difference in the attitudes between the final series and the previous but, how could a 13 year old care about love like they know what the heck they're talking about? The show makes them seem more mature than they should be and I can't feel 20 anymore.

Then again here I was born in America while who the heck knows what goes on in the minds of young Japanese girls anymore.



20....
I got taller within this past year....
can't say my chest filled in though....
guess I have to wait till I'm pregnant now to see any change... ><


Still have that skin problem....
but my teeth are nice and white now....

I don't eat bad....
I exercise too....
And I learned to cook...


My mind has changed a lot obviously. but
I don't feel 20.


Somehow my mind just doesn't want to agree with it even if I'm here surviving on my own, making my own decisions, working, in college, I can go on.


It's weird to even feel like this right now.



I guess you can say I'm still making some pretty bad decisions though.
Still doing things for wrong reasons.


But 20 years old....
maybe that's the proof that I'm that old haha
making wrong choices and learning from them.





Trying to figure out which is the better you, I mean,
as you try to figure what to do with yourself in both a social sense and future prospective. I wonder sometimes how social I ought to be. Not that I'm anti-social, no, no! It's just.... what I used to think freshman year... of everything new I wanted to try,  well.... sometimes it seems in the end, I'm just a good girl after all hahaa.. I tried to do something this past year I kinda always wanted to do in my college life and it just didn't work out the way I thought it would. I guess that's just the learning process, in the end, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be or do something I wanted my life to go.



I joked around with everyone about it, but the truth is, I got really upset.
My emotions were twisted in a way that I was either ashamed of myself or because I failed. I didn't know which was my real feeling.

I guess, I learned from it.
But I'm still not happy about it.



Because failing at it just made my life less exciting.
And all the words and nonsense that I speak about with my friends, I can't live up to them.
Because, even though I love the concept, I can't bring myself to go through with the actual meaning anymore. Those fantasies are so distant now. I tried once. And the final result were those two different feelings. Something I don't want to have to feel again.


Maybe, Sailor Moon twisted my personality as a kid.
With all that 13 year old nonsense hahaa..



I'm just a pretty normal girl.
I obsess over guys, talk about bad things, but in the end that's all I can do.
I don't have any balls to live the college life I actually dreamed of having.


I'm probably, still growing up.
And now I'm going to make some coffee.