Fighting off as much temptation as I can

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood.
I didn't want to do anything, and in the end I skipped my Korean class, giving myself a 0 on our last quiz of the year. I couldn't go to class. I couldn't deal with trying to think when she called on me, I couldn't deal with people around me. So I just, didn't go.


And then...
something I considered a few months ago came into my mind again.
It's something I might regret, but then again it's not like I'll hate it. Well... I'm hoping I wouldn't hate it.
And I didn't fully decide yet, but, the more I thought about it...
only two things repeated in my head.

Those two reasons are the only things I have motivating me to make this decision.
And I'll be honest, they aren't very reliable. And they're terrible reasons at that.


I'm not sure what I want to do.

I feel like if I make this decision I'll be giving up.
Giving up on more than just one thing.

I still have time to make a choice.
But I wonder which will win.

If I'm able to get something within these few weeks... that might lead to the decision.
'Cause I'll feel like I don't have a choice.



And in all honesty, this may be my last shot to be able to do something.
How could I want something if I don't somehow try for it?
It would be better to just agree on this decision and stop thinking about it. But what I'm worried is that feeling of regret and disappointment I'll give to others.

Because I made a promise.

And I'm not one of those people to break one. It makes me feel even more horrible about myself. That's one reason I'm regretting one of the motivations. The other one, well... it just seems pointless to chase after. It may have its benefit and good intentions but... I don't know.

I need someone's opinion.

An honest opinion that won't ridicule me. Or tell me I'm being stupid. Because even though I know it could be stupid in a way, it also has positive sides! Just because my one "motivation" is the worst excuse ever...
I still have to make a decision.


And that one stupid motivation was the only thing that made me think a little positive all day.
Before I might wake up in another depressing mood.

Running through speeding cars is just like risking everything holding yourself together, and then you're gone.

I jogged my first mile ever today.

I decided a few weeks back that I wanted to start running this summer and today I finally made my move. I want to be more in shape, and look my best, so I decided that this summer I'm going to give it my all.

This is our last week of classes. And then we have exams. My entire week is really full just trying to do last minute things and preparing for finals while finishing the last presentations for classes... and then we have the Japan Night after party at our apartment? It's not good timing. And I'm not participating in going to Japan Night or the after party. I'm going to stay on the first floor most of the night. I still plan on popping my face in every so often but, I'm just not in the mood for a party anymore. I'm sick of them. And yeah. After everything this week, I'm just going under too much emotional stress over a variety of things and drinking is not going to help me. It's a poor excuse to try to get rid of your problems drinking. Instead I'm going to hang in here, and do something about those problems.

This summer is going to be so different.
No one has no idea yet, but I'm just... I'm just tired of trying sometimes. After all, I told myself if this doesn't work, then I'll never put myself in this position again. Maybe I'll put more details into that some other time.

But I'm really going for the win this summer.

I'm so confident already that I can do this. And I can see myself now already.
I'll be amazing by the time junior year arrives.



I'm curling my hair this Saturday. Even though I don't plan on staying there, only coming up for free food lol, but I still want to look really nice in front of everyone. Maybe turn a head or two. Which in speaking, I'm going clothes shopping this Friday. For summer clothes. I need shoes too. I figured I'd go to H&M or somewhere, buy some skirts/shorts (yes, I'm going to buy a skirt. My first in a LONG time), and some really nice tops. Then I want to get really nice sandals. Not like flip-flops, like legit wrap-around-the-ankle, heel sandals. That's what I want.

I plan on doing an entire makeover of myself.



Maybe my personality sucks... but I'm happy I'll look a lot better...
I suppose...



I still don't feel better about yesterday...
but...
is it really going to change my decisions if everything ended here and now?
Probably not.
Because...

I'm stubborn.
Stubborn enough, to keep hope.

And that ends this blog.

Now I just feel stupid, just like many other girls.

I know I said I was going to stop posting. But I just can't hold back anymore.

There's so many things I need to say, even if I hide many feelings from other people.


But I'm regretful.
That I threw myself out there so much, I thought that we were getting somewhere.
I guess I knew this was coming. After all, he must have anticipated that he wanted a different relationship while abroad. That's why he broke up with me two weeks while he was gone in that country. And to be an asshole and wait until he left to break up with me. Fucking... relationships should be ended in person. Not by some other means like technology. That's fucking pathetic and weak.

But I still forgave him.

And even though I anticipated this, I still thought if I could give it my all and show that I was still here, he'd realize that I'm really worth something. So I tried. And even though I screwed up many times again just like in the past, I thought maybe we were still okay and that we were getting closer again. He would joke around with me like he always did, calling me stupid and such. He would do his stupid 'lalalala' thing that would always make me feel a little bit special in his eyes. And I thought we were getting close again, like I still existed to him.

But maybe I read it all the wrong way. Maybe this was just a sign of friendship. And I'm really blind to notice something like this.


I embarrassed myself for him. A few times.
I wonder why I did it, for all I know it could have just been because he's like that. Just like Chen has always said. And now I don't know how I feel about it. Considering we weren't dating... what does that say about me?

And when he told me he wanted me to wait for him back in January, but he said he would never ask me to do such a terrible thing just for him, I still said I would. And that's why I made that video for Christmas, because I wanted him to know I was still here for him, waiting. But is he just playing me? Is it just like everyone else said months before that he just wanted someone to be here for him when he came back? I didn't want to believe it, but I suppose things like that are true.

Then I think... maybe he waited until then to leave me, because he only wanted... you know.
But I never wanted to think of him as that kind of person. He even got offended, when I said something like that. He's too kind for that. But am I wrong? Was he just saying that to not make me worry?

I don't want to ever doubt him. I want to believe in him and trust him.
I still can't believe what everyone may say about him. I feel like I should know better. Even if I'm blinded by how much I care, I can't ever imagine him being such a senseless guy like that. I won't believe it.

And now he's almost serious about someone else.
It hurts. But I knew this would happen. And I can't argue against it.
Because we weren't dating to begin with.
I have no say.



I just wanted him to know, and I wanted to talk to him about this, about what I wanted to do.
If he reads this, hopefully... this might be the only way to tell him since he won't listen to me if I bring it up in chat...
I want him to know, I want to start from the beginning.

I want him to know that I know that I've freaked out on him, made him unhappy, overreacted too many times, complained, got him mad, etc. I know I treated him terribly. And that throughout this year of being without him, I know how stupid I've been and that it's my fault that I lost him. He gave me so many chances to change, and every single opportunity I had I fucked up so badly.

I'm aware that everything is my fault.

But throughout this year, I've realized how important he really is to me. That's why I kept hang on here, waiting. Supporting him. Sometimes forcing myself when I was in a bad mood to laugh and jokingly fight back when he ridiculed me through cam or chat in order to keep his mood happy.

That's why, I want to start over again. From the very beginning when we were happy. I know now what it feels like to be pushed this far like I had done to him over and over. And I know, I have to. I have to start over. I want him to know that. I want to give him happiness more than anything. I want to be there when he's upset and always put a smile back on his face.

But I feel like he won't believe any of this. Because I've said it in the past. And he's probably fed up with me, but just won't tell me the truth.

If I could have one more chance. Just once more. Once more at being that girl he always thought about first, I would give up everything I had in order to show him that I mean everything I've said.


I'm not trying to be obsessive or some crazy ex-girlfriend.
If he flat out told me that he'd never want to try with me again, I'd leave him alone for good. But because I've felt like we still had a connection, I thought maybe there's still hope for us. And I still want to believe that.



If you're reading this, I'm asking you to please give me one final shot at being the one who makes you happy. If all it take for me is to keep patiently waiting, I'll keep waiting. Even if there is someone else you like right now, I'll ignore it and you can still like her. I just want to start over from the beginning. And spend each day just like we did when we first started off in 2009. I know I'm stupid. I know I'm crazy. But I still made you laugh and smile. And you gave me one of the happiest years of my life.

If we can do a few months over again, just once more, we can know for sure if this is really worth it.



I love you.
I wish you truly knew how much I care about you. I don't believe in distance. Because if you love someone enough, they're never far away. You've always been in my mind since the day you left. So you were always still here with me.

Please, talk to me.

Probably near my last

I've finally decided to give this blogging a rest. Nothing good has come from it, and it's not as satisfying as I thought it would be.

I was at Walmart just the other day and I was looking at journals, I remembered how much I used to write in my last one. Real feelings were released, both the painful and the greatest things in my life. But here when I make a blog I'm always overthinking about what I write because people I know are reading it. I can't say what I want to say because I'm afraid of offending others, and hurting their feelings.

I realized this was just a poor excuse for attention as well.


So I bought the journal I saw at Walmart and already within the past three days I've been writing what I've always wanted to write.

I don't know why I bothered to get attention through this. But I feel like it's no longer important for people to look inside my life anymore. It was my fault in the beginning for starting this and allowing others to read but now I know better. I might every so often decide to post a blog here and there but they're only consist of random things and nothing more about my feelings and how I feel about everything from here on out.

A journal is what I really needed.



So until next time, thank you everyone who decided to read my blogs. I had random views from random places all over the world, don't know who you are but, it's cool.

I kept my promise after all this time

These past few weeks I felt so much better and happier than I have for such a long time now. I can't explain this feeling well, but it makes me just want to tell everyone how great I've been feeling. I'm not as attached to needing him anymore. I'm finally free.


This feeling, I feel like the old me.

I feel more my old self anymore. I walk campus and I feel like I can do anything, smile whenever I want, and relax like I own the place or something haha. It sounds reallyy stupid but I mean, I feel so much better about myself for some reason. I don't know if it's because of the weather and new clothes or if maybe it's because of this recent release of attachment but I actually enjoy being on campus for no apparent reason recently.

It HAS to be the weather. The sun is shinning and I seriously just want to go on a walk to the park. Problem is, I just haven't been getting the time to do so. Considering this week is Spring Break however, I'm going to make he trip! Maybe I'll go for a jog too! LOL "jog". I'll more than likely give up and just do like two or three laps around walking. It'll be nice to have this spring break all to myself. I can do anything I please without having to rely on others to take me somewhere and needing to beg to do something or even ask permission. It'll be like summer vacation too. Minus the working, it'd be perfect.

I'll admit though... I am jealous of everyone else doing things...

Spending their week in the city... or even worse, the people who decided to go to Florida etc. with their significant other. One day... I'll have that too hopefully.


But for now, I'm just free. Living the way I used to.
Getting less depressed about the things I can't change.


I almost forgot this part of me even existed.
I'm still not completely fine though.
Still working it out, but I'm improving. And I'm seeing noticeably differences.


This will be a good spring and summer :)
But right now, the thing I want to do the most this summer vacation is.....
spending a day at a huge aquarium with someone I can hold hands with and view a huge tank of fish, exchanging smiles with each other.

but I don't think anyone will take me.
I think I'm starting to fantasize again.

But I'm okay, each day is becoming a little bit easier, a little bit better, and much more brighter.
I just need to get over myself, just a little bit more time, at least maybe until the end of the school year, I'll be all better again

I just can't wait, Once we set sail

How many times did I mention how much this semester sucks? I can't wait until it's summer vacation. I just can't. I'll have this freedom to work and study what I want during my own time. I won't get those days to sleep in, considering I'm going to be working two jobs and one of them starts at 8AM, five days a week, but it'll still be good. Money, study, and a new year to look forward to. But.... this summer..... it's going to be so.... awkward.

At least for around two(?) months he will be.

Remember a certain someone giving me chocolate on Valentine's Day?
BINGO.


He's going to be living with me this summer break.
I really don't know what's going to happen. And I'm not too sure if I like this idea, but I needed someone to take the room and he was really the only one who spoke up and said he would. I didn't really have a choice of people to choose from. It's not like he's a bad guy, but today he seemed to have tried really hard to keep a conversation with me when asking about the apartment after class. He tried too hard to make himself not seem weird he made himself act weird anyway. I kinda felt bad about that, I don't want people having to try hard like I'm almost impossible to approach. Not to mention it leaves jokes for others. I wouldn't joke about it though, it's too mean, especially since I can see myself doing the same thing.

But then yesterday Chen goes and comments on our Facebook conversation (well, status) about the room and says "Yeah she needs a boyfriend, get on it", or something like that. I almost freaked. Chen was doing something stupid again and THANK GOD I saw the comment he posted before Jiyong did and I deleted it. Like seriously? WTF.


I kinda thought it was random that he said he would take the room anyway. We haven't been talking for awhile now other than random comments on Facebook status updates, etc. But I'm not going to think too much into it. Nothing about me will change.



But summer vacation!
So excited to go to the park in my new outfits and awesomeness ♥


and.....
Don't these pancakes look sooo GOOD!!
I'm going to try to make these for myself and someone to share them with me one morning. Not sure when, but I especially want to make them for you

We may be machines but I'm in love tonight ♥

I had to change my blog title. Again. Because everything was getting too depressing lol.

I came to some realization within the past few days. You know, I was scared for the nice weather to come. But, it's helping me so much. I feel much more... independent. I guess you can say that's one of the first signs of finally getting over something you couldn't forget about. I started making some changes. About a month ago.

And it finally kicked in.

It's not like I'm abandoned what I know I feel, it's just more of not giving a shit anymore.
I don't know what exactly he wants, maybe he wants me to stand to the side for a bit. So I did. And I just keep forcing the same words over and over down my throat every time I get the temptation to message him, "if he wants to talk to you he'll message you, so just leave him alone". He's always busy when I try to talk so I figured this would even be the best way to stop myself from being disappointed and getting upset.

And it's working. Added with the other little things I changed, the feeling of needing him in my life the way I had before is starting to neutralize. It feels good. Almost regretful at the same time, but I feel just a little bit more relieved. It's scary, but I started thinking about the future again. And somehow I feel like I'm going to hurt myself if I try anymore. Pretty much if I try to like someone for the rest of my college years. Two people that I don't know very well came into my mind today and I thought about where their lives are/will be heading. Something I predicted for myself two years earlier is probably... what's going to be.

And in all honesty, I don't want that to happen.


I felt really happy just the way things were. In a weird way I guess you can say.\\

See, I guess I kinda want to still be more different in a place where I'll be different already. It's not a choice, it's just more of a feeling I'm receiving after all of this. Just take it that I've found that special "him" in that country. I'll be different but not as different as I can be. I feel like it can't match. I want to break the rules. More importantly I want to try to aim for something GREAT and reach for that DREAM we can share. Maybe you aren't following, but I don't plan on revealing too much. Let's just say, that's where I might be starting to feel regretful.

Letting go of this opportunity?
Hardly.
I'm not letting go of my promise.

I've received that "different" thing in my life before I've even known it was what I wanted.
If I give up, searching again is just going to be a pain in the ass, not to mention, I may never find it.


I looked at myself in the mirror today.
Again I realized how much I changed.
Again I realized how lucky I was.

And I wanted to show off.
But maybe in the end it was a good thing I didn't get my chance.


That independence might have crumbled.