The Last Post.

I got really angry sometime earlier this week.

I'm not say it was really an 'angry' type of feeling. It was more like, a broken kind of feeling. That feeling when it feels like your heart is broken I guess. But, it wasn't a heartbreak. It's hard to explain. I don't want to say what had caused the feeling. But it broke me. And I felt like I was about to quit all the hard work I've been doing until now. I didn't want to move, I wanted to just sit there and cry. But I knew better....

I couldn't let myself breakdown like this.

I wasn't sure what to do. My dad was still in the house and I didn't want to get all emotional suddenly, then he would just pressure the questions. So, I left. I went outside and ran. Because it was all I could think to do. What had happened? Why did it hurt so much? Why did I care that this is how it truly is? I know why I cared, but it's gotten to the point where I'm feeling sick and disgusted. All I was able to do was cry silently as I kept on running. I'd get tired, walk for a little bit, then I picked up my feet and ran again. I ran a lot. I didn't even know the pain in my legs until the very end when I knew I couldn't go much longer. All I knew was to keep running. I couldn't do anything else.

I wanted to scream. Run and scream at the top of my voice.
I haven't felt this distraught in such a long time. I wish it was avoided.

As I ran, I tried to convince myself. I told myself, "I need to get stronger", "I need to be stronger".
"I need to be brave"
"I need to keep believing"
"You need to believe in what you're doing"


I felt as if I was running blindly. Like in that anime, "The Girl Who Leap Through Time", when she ran and screamed when going back in time to save him... it was that kind of feeling, without so much the screaming. To be honest, I felt like next month when I'm in HK....
It's funny.

Did you realize yet that I'm blindly running towards a future that isn't there? That's what I felt like that day as I ran. I realized, no matter how hard I pushed myself, I can only be worthy to myself. To give someone a value... it's only possible on how you respect them, how you look up to them. In Japanese, 憧れ would be perfect here.
All I could do was ask myself what it is I am doing. In reality, what is it that I care so much about? I want to attract a lot of different people. I want people to see me as an amazing person. But most of all, I want to excel in what I love. I don't want to be blindly running. I want to be where I want to be. I can only fight for my happiness.

That's pretty much what I realized.
I broke.. and all I can do is try to fight back with all my might.
The truth is, the very thing that caused my desperation, well... it doesn't have much to do with this at all. It was something completely stupid and probably meant as a harmless joke. It wasn't aimed at me either, or well, I hope it wasn't. Instead of taking it personally to the point of getting agitated, I felt as if I had failed. I still do think this way. It hit close to my heart. Because I understood it. And I don't know what happened after that.

So what am I really doing in HK?

Fun isn't an answer I think I'll find easily. Neither is romance.
Especially romance.


I honestly don't know anymore. I don't know how to take the emotion that I'm feeling right now. I'm confused. Really confused.
I keep thinking, "Why didn't you go to Japan? You love Japan!"
I do. I want to speak it so much recently with other Japanese. With my friends. I want to see my friends again. But...

I can't go back. I've come to that realization. I only had two choices. TUFS or Kansai... I couldn't. Kansai is too far from the people I love, and TUFS... I just can't bring myself to attend that place. I could have looked into another school through a different SUNY program I suppose, but it's too late now. Not only that, what would I really learn in the end? I'd only be with the people I've cared about for so long. But you know... it's funny how they're memories still linger. I have a tendency of abandoning things. More importantly, people. I don't have my friends from elementary, I don't have my friends from middle and high school anymore either. The friends made during college may unfortunately end this way too.
When I go home, all I have is family. And I don't feel right with them.

It's a lonely feeling being trapped like this. I've abandoned people constantly, I don't keep in contact, I'm forgot, they become forgotten because I'm too absorbed in my own thing. I guess that makes me selfish. All I'm doing is preventing from anyone in.


I sometimes try to think of it as a good thing though. This way I can go and do anything I want without feeling like I need to take care of the other end. In a positive way, it would mean to chase my dreams of traveling and living abroad without the regret of leaving the people I grew up with. The more I see it that way, I've come to the conclusion that this is just my fate. I'm a traveler. I run away. I try to be independent. I don't want help from others so I abandon them. I run away from their aid.

That's why I find it so funny how I refused to let these people, the friends I've made in Japan, escape from my life. I haven't forgotten them at all. Sometimes I feel like our strings have been severed, but their lives are busy too, and in the end when I hear back from them they still seem happy to hear from me. And it makes me so happy.

They were the first people I've held close to my heart.
I find worth in them because of what they mean to me. They can't speak English, they don't have any special talents, they might have spoiled me just a little but, they made me felt like I belonged. Like I was Japanese too. And everyone knows how much something like that makes me happy. I'm probably being closed-minded, a lot of friends I've made in America have also treated me with kindness and I had so much fun spending time with them too. And it's sick of me to not put them into the same category as I have with those from Hitachi.
It's no one's fault but mine. I can't find a purpose here. I can't find a specific object that would make me want to stay.

The second person, and the last one for now, went away. The problem with this one is, the way I admire that person, I can't find a way to change it, and keeping them so close has only caused me trouble time and time again. It's gotten to the point where I need to sever our string. But no matter what, even if we never speak again, I believe that person has worth to me. I look up to them sometimes too, and for that reason alone I feel like my path has been going in a positive direction.

That's why, even though I'm really confused as to why I'm going to HK... I know it's best for me. I know it's the best thing for me to be doing right now, especially as this is my last year as a college student. I don't know what to do there other than study as hard as I can, but surely I'm supposed to be there. It's always been a dream to know more than two languages, if I could learn four I'd die happy. That's why... being in Japan doesn't serve me any purpose, other than being with the one's I've admired. That's what we sacrifice.

Every person is worthy in their own way, but more importantly, we're worthy to at least another person in our own lives. So there's always someone who respects you for whatever it is that you do. And we shouldn't forget that. Everyone is different in their own way, and we look for worth in others in our own way. But just because we can't find a specific worth in someone that we could look up to, doesn't mean they're worthless at all. It's hard to see it my way maybe.


But it's hard to find worth in yourself.
And that's my problem. As I left Albany, I saw the faces and emotions of the people I was leaving behind. And I was surprised. I meant a lot to them without even realizing it. I'm glad that I was able to be worthy of something to someone. Whatever the reason was, I am really happy that for a period of time we could share that.

And now, I need to find worth in myself.
I need to find the reason why I'm trying so hard right now.
I need to get stronger.
I need to be a little more thinner.
I need to be better in Japanese.
I need to be prettier.
I need to support myself.
I have to try harder.

Then, I'll find myself worthy for myself. I have to fight for everything.
What is it that I can do for myself to make me feel worthy?
For a little over a week now, I've been translating one Sailor Moon manga a day. I should have the completion done before I leave America. I've also been jogging everyday (~15mins/per jog) since Aug.1st. two-three times a day.

What I can do for now is just keep studying to increase vocabulary.
What I can do now is keep running everyday to get a beautiful thin, but healthy body.

What is it that I can do for now for the upcoming future,
That's what I realized as I ran.