I'm not one of those kinds of people to fall in love very easily. I'm not one of those people who tend to begin to like someone all of a sudden either. Over the years I've learned to be more aggressive and to go after men, something I never felt confident in doing before, especially in high school and the beginning of freshman year of college. I never felt confident in myself. And right now, I wish I still felt the same.
It becomes a hassle when you realize that you are a normal-decent looking, attractive girl. Those other normal-decent looking males eat you right up because you seem pretty easy and hey, you're still attractive. It becomes a hassle because you know you don't want any of that attention, because you're not interested. I rather be stupid again, ignorant to the feelings of others around me, feelings of affection and possible love interest. Because it hurts me more than you could imagine.
It's nice to know that others what to know you, want to have a relationship with you, but if you're personally not interested and there's someone else you want to notice you, it hurts that you can't grab the attention of that special someone. And in my case, it feels like I'm being stabbed constantly with a knife.
I wish he really knew how much I'm in love with him.
I'd honestly do anything to have him back.
It wasn't until I lost him when I realized he meant so much to me. Him being there in my life made me so happy. He was so kind to me, he teased me, satisfied me, dealt with my bullshit. I loved him. I really loved him. And I don't think I ever really knew how much I did. Until he was gone.
I feel like I've made the mistake somewhere. I know I've screwed up many times, I over reacted with thinking I was pregnant, I overreacted in getting mad with him, I wasn't just in his hobbies, etc.etc. I feel like I did so much wrong. All I ever wanted to do was fix it and prove that I have changed. But he won't give me the chance.
I hung on even after he left, even after he delivered the final blow. He fell in love with two new people, but I was always still there when he needed me. If he needed me, or if just to fulfill his horny fantasies. I was there when he was down, and I was there to assure him that someone still cared for him even when his romances didn't work out the way he hoped. I kept believing in him. I cheered him on.
I was in love with him. I wanted to share what we could. Our happy moments, bored moments, sad moments... but my moments weren't so important. They were just inconvenient.
It's sad that I'm still in love with him.
He makes me cry more often because he won't talk to me. He won't answer my questions, or he ignores me in general. He doesn't want me to exist in his life anymore, but he won't tell me straight to my face. He's too nice to do that. But even if he would, it would crush me. More than I feel every wound my heart takes right now.
I can't trust people anymore. I gave him my heart. I'm afraid of giving it away again. But more than ever I just want another chance. I don't understand why we really broke up. I feel like the people he was surrounded by influenced him. I could be wrong but... the way it happened... it was unnatural. And he did it without saying it to my face. He didn't even speak it. Just text on a screen. I personally don't believe in breakups like that... I haven't once done it to anyone because I don't believe it's meant to be like that. It's a cowardly move.
He means so much to me.
But I mean nothing to him.
I can't type anymore.
I'm crying again.
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