#1
"Unreliable," she says.
What right does she have to say such bullshit. I made a mistake a few times. Why was it a few times? Because, YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW, 3WEEKS LATER. How the hell was I supposed to know I was screwing it up if you never tell us about it?
But do you have any other complaints for me? About me? No? None at all?
Who the hell drags her ass here every morning at 8am for you? Am I late? Maybe 5mins AT MOST. You still want to call me unreliable? Really? ME? UNRELIABLE??
That just makes me mad.
I work hard and you, YOU, are the only one who doesn't see that. All my co-workers at my other jobs think I work too much and then other people think I'm amazing for taking on three jobs like I am. Sure, I'm not going to say that working here is super hard or anything since I'm on the computer 90% of the time, but going so far as "unreliable" is unnecessary. I show up, do what I'm supposed to do or do unrelated things that you ask from me, and then you want to call me and everyone else here unreliable all of a sudden and you "try" to speak low into the phone enough to tell someone that you 'wish his daughter was still here working because she was oh-sooo reliable.'
I don't care enough to make it an issue other than n this blog, but you don't do much work either. We get a problem that's easily fixable and you think the day has become a disaster. We get a little more than the normal amount of customers, you call the day busy and crazy. Jesus Christ, woman! You play fb games all day on your computer, then you too fall asleep and snore away.
Calling me unreliable. That's the last thing I like to hear from anyone. Go ahead and complain about me about skills or lack of something else, but when it comes reliability, I don't fail in that. Whether it has to do with friends or work, I'm usually ALWAYS reliable. You have no right to judge me on that, especially when you don't even have any reason or evidence against me.
#2
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I took a nap around 11pm, then woke up around 1-1:30am. Thought I'd go for sleep again at 2, but I woke up at 3:30. And then I laid there backwards in bed just listening to music. I forgot to take the garbage out, when I heard the garbage truck outside I then remembered. Oh well, next Tuesday.
As I'm sure pretty much everyone saw my status, I really did just mean it as a joke. 'Cause that's how I am. I joke about my Asian fetish all the time in public. Did I really mean I was going to go on a bunch of dates with all these guys? No. Did it mean I was going to sleep around with so many too? That's ridiculous. I'm not like that at all. Some people seriously.... I just like to joke around.
Last night I was honestly surprised with what happened.
All I did was try to get these group of people to buy some frozen yogurt, and then this guy said that to me... I wasn't sure how to respond because well... I wouldn't have expected it unless they decided to seriously want to piss me off. Why?
That's because I wear my hair up at the frozen yogurt store. I have to. And I learned to not care much anymore, even though it was really hard in the beginning to just let the thought pass through without really upsetting me. No one really realizes this. I think I even surprised my coworkers from the clothing store when they came to visit me. I'm really self-conscious about my face. Extremely self-conscious. That's why I always wear my hair down. You will rarely see a picture of me with my hair up, I have really bad acne where you can't see. And because I'm not a big fan of makeup, I can't really hide it.
So I don't expect people to say anything like, "you're pretty", or "you're really beautiful" to me, let alone ask me out, when I have my hair up. I remove the thought of such a possibility so I don't get hurt, so I don't have to think about such a chance. Doesn't it make sense?
He made my night, that's for sure. Because little by little, random people like him make me feel a little better about all these little defects I have.
As for HK, I'm a little worried about how I might act. I feel like my joking has gotten to a stage where I might seem desperate. When I Skyped with Antony the other night, I didn't expect him to be... so attractive. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea either. Because I joke about it so much, I guess it's hard to tell if I'm being serious sometimes too. What I wanted from Antony was just a really good friendship. He goes to HKBU as well, so I thought he could be my way in to HK culture and introduce me to his friends and stuff and like help me out with cellphone stuff and shopping and etc. Because he also seemed really excited to help me out too. He's always telling me to message him or Skype him whenever and he'd be happy to help me with Cantonese. We were even going over tones during our last conversation.
I never thought about looking for a boyfriend through what I did to find him. I mean, if we really did bond enough and that happened, that's great. But it wasn't my first thought or intentions. But since he's going to France for a year, that's now impossible.
But it's been too long.
It's not about sex anymore. Well.... it NEVER HAS been about sex. I don't want a relationship only for that. I wondered a little while I couldn't sleep about what it was that makes us so attractive to someone and how it becomes lost so easily. Believe it or not, it was while watching the movie 'Dumplings' where I heard a line, each said a little differently, by the married couple in the film.
I think I failed so much. And it might have led to my fall. I think back on what Jiyong would tell me. And then about last night.... thinking about freshman year, the craziness of me obtaining a boyfriend or even gaining the attention of the unattainable, Richard.....
Smiling.
"You used to smile and laugh so much."
"You're so cute when you smile."
At work, I'm really bubbly and speaking in a loud voice and have very persuasive conversations with customers to buy yogurt and joke around and laugh and smile. It's a really attractive personality. I guess, everyone likes when I smile.
Over time, I guess that smile just diminished. I frowned a lot more or just didn't smile unless I needed to. I forgot how to be interesting and funny around the people I liked. I still have my funny moments, but when I needed them to be there during the most crucial moments, that side of me wasn't there. I needed to smile and laugh more. That's how one is attractive.
It doesn't have to be the appearance (even though that is important sometimes too), but it's about how one shows his/herself. I mean.... I know there's a bad side to him too but, I still think the way he brings himself is still really attractive. I'm not really looking for a relationship just for a relationship abroad. I really, I really want to love someone than what I do now. Because it's so hard for me to get back into the jist of this. I never really felt like I was attracted to anyone in particular. So... yeah.
I really hope I can find something real when I get there. I miss enjoying the company and the feeling you have when with someone you can be more intimate with. Just even being able to cuddle is the greatest feeling in the world. Just being held in a strong hug is actually.... oh gosh...
Probably, the biggest reason why I want to fall in love again, is just to know someone cares about me just as much as I care about them. I want to be able to do everything I can for someone again. It's like one of those human emotions and needs, to need and to be needed in return. Nature's cycle.
Round and round, oh how the emotions turn.
Time to shine brighter than before, love more than before, laugh more than before....
AND smile always. That is most important, even to being happy :)
But hey, I'm optimistic ;)
And after talking to Antony, I feel more motivate to study harder.
Learning, new things, new languages, I'll find what I'm looking for. For what I'm needing.
Learning everything I am will lead me there.
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