It's just not me.
I was talking to another stranger on 陌陌. Another one of those creepy people who try to persuade you into meeting and to have a "fun time". And this time I wasn't buying it. I was sick of it. I was tired of the empty compliments. I still am. And instead of lashing out on him like most girls would by saying "wtf go away", "you're so creepy", etc or other mean things, I apologized and just said I couldn't help him out. Because I don't do that kind of thing. It feels wrong to sleep with someone without love. For me at the very least. That type of thing is just not meant for me.
And when he was done, he too apologized and began on how nice I was for acting the way I did, the way I ignored his hormones. That's when I took notice to my emotionless reaction to him and to one of the responses I gave him.
"It's fine. You're a guy, it's what you do."
That answer, is disgusting.
I've labeled men in my head. Every single one of them. I didn't mean to, but I've been surrounded by scumbags who can't reveal a decent man underneath their masks. They all act like this. And its all I ever see. Its all I ever hear. And maybe that was the reason why I've been avoiding relationships. Maybe not.... but I feel like it could be a reason. Men are all the same to me it seems anymore, and not one has particularly stood out to me. It's become tiring, all this searching. But yet I still enjoy their company in chat more than often.
It just makes me upset is all.
But this is petty. I'll drop it.
Because, I hate this feeling. The feeling of being content and/or depressed. Someone taught me to stay bright and smile. I taught myself to keep hope in everything I do. Because someone else taught me that everything will be okay in the end even if it's hard right now. And that's how I spent most of my summer last year. I was bright and attracted people with that. By being myself in the sun or smiling or screaming loudly for fun. I was bright Freshman year o college too. I remember first coming and meeting everyone and having fun, Richard upset me aplenty on my mind until I moved on, but then I was screaming again.
I liked that feeling a lot.
But what can I say, we can't reclaim the past so easily. We have to make the bumps to improve. We need to fall. We need to struggle and we need to have a hard times and moments when we feel like we've failed and have lost everything. Including hope.
That's how we grow. And I know that. I can't possibly ask to be happy all the time, but I can't let myself get down as often either. If I don't keep climbing, I'll slowly slide further down. If I don't keep building myself to be greater, I'll lose hope. But every slip-up is learning. Every tear I've cried makes me stronger. And that's what this is. I hate a lot of things but I always find a reason not to hate it anymore.
Today I learned something important. I can't force myself to do anything I know I'm not comfortable with. It also showed me that I'm better than that. Everyone is different. Yes, of course. But I'm better than that. What I feel is important and I want others to feel that too from me. I want them to know that they mean something to me. And giving myself away just to be "more open to the idea" does not support my beliefs. Everyone can do what they want, but I value it. And I'm really proud to say that right now.
I have my weird hobbies. I have my weird fetishes as well, but that's okay. There's shouldn't be anything that anyone is ashamed of. We are who we are. And we shouldn't have to criticize someone for wanting to do what they do or what they don't want to do. Persuading me isn't even an option anymore. I made that clear to both Zhen and Jiyong awhile back.
And I don't know.... understanding a little more about yourself, after making so many mistakes or arguing with what you want in life.... it's so reassuring that you can be content with yourself at last, you know? Maybe I'm being a little too dramatic right now... but you really have no idea how much I argued with myself day after day because I couldn't decide on what was right.
Drifting away from that,
I downloaded another creepy stranger app....
Called "Mr. & Ms. Smith" or also called in Japanese... 「斉藤さん」!!! lol
It's like the website chat roulette. But it's pretty much only Japanese people, and once they ask where you're from and you say America, you hear on the other end that "へえ?" noise... then a silence... then something like a disbelieving "まじで?" It was hard to get the app though because it's only available on itunes Japan and you need a Japanese account then to access it. I tried sooo hard the night before to set up an account but it wasn't working for some stupid reason, asking me for a Japanese credit card constantly. But I tried it again yesterday morning and then somehow it magically showed the "no credit card" option. wtf?
It's quite amusing however. You can cam-chat, but as we all know most Japanese don't do that and I personally don't wanna either. Good things about this though, I can talk in Japanese constantly and I can easily hang up if I suddenly get bored with them without feeling too bad or saying a word because it's random who you get and you can't save any info on them unless you exchange. Plus, it's a stranger. Say what you want, act how you want. It's just fun.
I had it on during our Japanese study yesterday with Rob and Ikuma and for like 30mins we were playing a "Guess The Warai-jin" game with the guy on the other end. It was funny and fun. And him and Rob exchanged contact info.
The app does not let you text chat though which is a good thing in my case because I would probably go right to that. It doesn't help me speak more, you know?
But in any case, it's tons of fun, and I enjoy it :) And it's only day one.
I'm okay.
I keep thinking about Hong Kong and my 10K for it. Life is good to me, lol it's totally okay.
Exams are over in two weeks time. I can't wait. I can't wait for summer. I can't wait to work my ass off and collapse when I get home afterwards. I can't wait to wear more heels (did I mention how much I love wearing heels recently?? lol), I can't wait to wear summer clothes and look more awesome, I just can't wait for everything here in Albany to being.
Also, the beginning of July, there's this run going on here. I think it's a 3mile run? But while you run, people throw bright paint on you lol. It's kinda like Dayglow without the loud music, drugs, and this is all pure healthy exercise haha. I'm going to participate even though there's no way I'll make the 3-5miles haha. Me and my co-workers at P.S. are doing it. Then we're all going to the bar to drink since the two of us will be 21, and my manager is already 24 (25?) haha
This is how I close my year in America.
It's really satisfying.
I'll miss is all. I'll miss everyone here too.
{let's draw a love story ♥}
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