Now I just feel the guilt, of not returning anything.
I took my last final for the rest of my time here at UA. But I had to go to work at 12 (where I am now) and I didn't want to stick around him anyway. I could feel awkward with him so easily. So I left the exam early at 11:30, and he took me to the PAC (Performing Arts Center) into a small piano room that I didn't even know existed. And he played me a song. Well, two songs, the first I knew but he gave up halfway not remembering the rest. Then he played me a song he'd been practicing. And that's why I went.
Because he went through the trouble of remembering how to play this song, and he practiced. Because he wanted to say goodbye. And if I denied seeing him, I can image the hurt. Because you try so hard for one moment, you know?
I wanted to make him happy if for at least satisfying a single moment, even though the last words I said to him were the worst..
He played me a piano piece called "It's Hard To Say Goodbye" by Micheal Ortega. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXVlQJ8eFgE
I'm listening to it on youtube as we speak, because it's an amazing but really sad song. I don't know... but I like it. But watching him play it, even with his mistakes, it was much more enjoyable than hearing it here on youtube. And I felt guilty. Because, it's been a over a year.
He told me straight out that he knew I knew he liked me all this time. I smiled and nodded, "I know". And he said, "because of that, I just had to do this one last thing to say goodbye or else it just wouldn't have felt right."
I understood completely.
So I tried to waste some time with him afterward, joke around and look for this weird room in the PAC that I've heard of before finally going to work. I was afraid he'd ask for a goodbye kiss or try anything.
But he didn't. And I think because of that, I felt worse.
I'm not feeling down or anything or depressed. What I mean is like, just this ache in your heart type of thing because you know that he could have been special. Or that, well, all he wanted all this time, ever since Valentine's Day last year or longer... just to make me happy. And I also feel like I've left my last year here at UA... unsatisfied.
I'll admit, I didn't have the time or the money willing to spend on any relationship this year. I might have wanted one but, due to other events and for that reason alone, I prevented myself and only focused on saving for HK. But really, is that even as important? You can save all the money in the world and be able to travel and do things but, but what about yourself? I'm... unsatisfied.
My happiest time was freshman year, and since then I feel like I've just wasted time here in this school. What have I accomplished, really? That's the problem. I never was able to do anything because there was no one to look forward to, I just did what I had to do.
So I guess, I feel like maybe I should have sucked it up and gave him a part of my life, for the one year I could. He played me a song.
I wonder why that always has to happen for me to want someone now.
But I want to say thank you, Jiyong. I really appreciated it.
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