They are giving me more days, even if it's only 4hr shifts most of the time so far. But it's all in cash which means NO TAX :) and I think I'm getting $8/hr which is great for people like me. It's 75cents more than minimum wage, hell I'll take that.
I don't have to worry about Mandarin anymore, leaving me to complete freedom. The people who work there though are mostly all Chinese, so I'm hearing Mandarin CONSTANTLY, and so I try to pick words out. It's fun, but the one girl I met today is HK-born American, and she said she'd teach me any kind of Cantonese I want. When I learn to form sentences I'm totally going to give it a go. She's so nice. They're all so nice, we were talking and having fun and yeah. It's great :) An Asian environment, my environment lol, so racist lol.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know what I want to say. I kinda, wanted to see him again. I don't know why.
I just really did.
I know I'm okay.
There's nothing really holding me back, making my decisions like they used to. I'm my own person, I have my own experiences, I have my own associations. I feel a lot better than I used to.
But I don't know. I miss complaining to someone like I used to and be told to 'shuttup' or something, then being tickled about it. Not in a relationship way. I don't know. It's a complicated feeling.
I don't know how I feel about the truth. That is, how should I put it... the unexpected. The wish in the heart but hitting a wall when it comes true. It's a little uncertainty about myself. How do I say it...
I worry.
I know what I would do.
What I can do.
What I'm stupid enough to do.
What I want to do.
But I also know that I'm beyond this.
I can escape this.
I can do better with myself.
Well,
I couldn't see him.
I just do hope I can again in four months.
I don't know why. I don't know what I want from him anymore.
But there's just something that makes me want to care.
haha.... gosh, I just keep losing.
They say, you always try to find someone just like them, you know? You end up becoming attracted to the musicians, the wide&fatter men, etc.etc. People just like them.
I guess I'm going in that direction too. I went after William only because he was from HK... then I realized he still wasn't what I was looking for. I sometimes think that's the only reason I'm going to HK... and I don't want to hear anymore lectures from anyone. I know whatever it is I'm doing is a bad idea, but none of it was intentional. If it was intentional, that would be terrible.
I just swung in that direction.
I mean, I have other reasons, but one comes from another and so on and so forth.
So in the end, whatever it is I've been looking for in him, I was hoping to find it from another HK guy I guess. That's why no one here could grab me, I then decided not to bother with them and ended all conversations. Wasn't ready.
They didn't have what I needed.
And I don't know why I think I can find it there.
Isn't going there a bad idea?
It's a bad idea, isn't it?
These four months, are going to be the slowest days.
I don't know.
I'm so stuck in the past.
It's not fair that I can't move on.
It's not fair that he has something that I can't find anywhere else.
It's not fair.
I don't want to want him anyway.
Why should I?
After all, that's a stupid thought.
Then again, it's not a stupid thought.
Wasting a thought on him is stupid.
But the little things make me happy.
So when i think about that, I don't know, his nose and smile,
when he used to smile to me. That little stuff made me happy.
The way he'd ignore me too, but then looked at me for a split second.
It's funny when you wonder where everything goes.
It's funny, you know?
I don't know why I'm going off like this.
I haven't talked about it for awhile anyway.
Maybe it needed to come out again.
Overdue.
Just let this slide.
This is just thoughts, and stuff. Things I want to say,
but I don't want to be lectured or comforted by friends.
There's no comfort in that.
Sometimes, you just need to say it.
And eventually you'll be okay.
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