What happened is that Ruhi had to cancel her summer classes and is moving back home now for the summer. She said she'd come back every so often because she can't stay with her family for such a long period of time but, for the most part, this apartment will be empty. I mean that too. I work pretty much all day. Leave at 7:30am, then I don't come back until 10pm. And the only freedom I'll truly have are on Sundays since the mall closes at 6. If I get any free time, it'll be Sundays after 7.
Not that I really care. I actually like having the apartment to myself. Last summer I had some of that and it was great to just blast my techno or dubstep music in the house. And I did what I wanted to. But sure, every so often I'd like to have some company I guess. But it really doesn't matter because I feel like whatever time I do get, I'll want it to myself anyway. I think I'll just be using Skype a lot now. Or that MR.&Ms. Smith app to talk to Japanese strangers.. or Skype with the new HK friends I made and speak Canto. I don't know. But....
In a way this is also a good thing. I can't get distracted. This summer is super important to me. So concentration is key. Being alone will be a good thing.
I went for dinner with James Thursday night. He's going into the army for two years now, that mandatory thing for Koreans, and I felt like I had to see him off. He was really nice to me too. But I said my goodbyes and watched him leave my apartment at 1:30am... but I was happy to be the last text he would receive in America. I asked him if he was still in the airport, he replied back saying he was on the plane. But after I texted back, he must have been gone. He mentioned at dinner he had some regrets during the year. I just hope, liking me wasn't one of them.
At work we were talking about muscles and workouts and people who look disgusting if they lose too much weight or gain 6packs and stuff. I like the idea of women having a toned body, well, at least their stomachs. And that's what I want. I think it's really attractive to see a girl have a really toned lower body and with the hourglass waist. I'm not looking for perfection, but as I see it now, I have...... lol, a stomach. I don't know what I should be doing exactly to tone out, but I did 100 crutches last night before passing out in front of my computer. I can feel burning... it's been so long since I've done them. But it was a rewarding feeling afterwards. And then on workout mode on DDR, I'll play until I've ran an equivalent of 10miles (~460cal.). And then.... starting tonight.... I'll finally put squats into my daily routine. I've constantly heard Chen tell me about it, even to the point where he sent me a picture.... but he's right. And then, okay, this is going to sound weird, but then recently I started comparing my co-workers' to mine. And he's right even more! My ass is just so... FLAT and unshaped.
I just want to do something with myself. Be better in appearance. Be better as a person. Feel a little more confident. Be a little smarter. That's why this summer is so important. I don't want to have to worry about why I can't do this or that, so I work. I want to be more healthier, so I eat vegetables and drink soy milk most of my day. I want to be able to make someone stand out, so I do my best to improve my outer appearance. I want to be able to have someone say I'm the best thing that happened to them, so I fix my way of thinking.
You're not supposed to change for someone. That's just not how it's supposed to work. If they can't like who you are, then they aren't worth it, right?
I know that.
I just want to find someone knowing I could find anyone. Just because I'm in Asia... just because I'm a white girl... I don't want that. If I had to dislike something in particular about myself, it would probably have to be my obsession over Asia. Asia is great and all, the languages are beautiful, especially when written, the cultures and traditions are fantastic, but like... when it comes to my life, I don't know what say. I think I'm just angry that I want to be inside the community so much, but that's something I can never have.
I'm white.
I can marry a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Korean guy, a Thai guy, whatever. But I'll never be a part of that word. It would be different if say I married a Russian guy, a French guy, or a German guy. I learn the language, learn the customs, and work. And they probably wouldn't know the difference. But I'm so different in Asia. Forget the advantages. I can't blend in. And that's all I want. Sure, sometimes it's nice to get special attention, especially from guys, but I want to be treated all the same. I don't want that again when I was in Japan. Sitting in the classroom, girls from the other classes running up to the window just to see you and hope you wave back. Then giggle off all excited.
Yeah, you're the American. You're suddenly a special guest.
You get the weird looks when you're out shopping by yourself. Then the ones who need to speak to you in English because they think you don't understand shit.
I don't blame them. This is all stereotypical in a way. But you don't understand.
I love Asia. I really do. But I love it so much that I don't want to be any different than any other local. But I will always be judged and looked at. Because I want to live in Asia too, whether that be HK or Japan. And eventually I'll be married. And then I'll have a child. Pushing a stroller or walking around with my son/daughter who looks more Asian than myself, there will be those who judge me.
But that's the life I've chosen.
I've chosen to try to blend into this society to the best of my ability.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
enough with all the sad stuff. I have work all day today, no time to be sad.
I started to create my blog for HK. I'm actually going out of my way and creating a banner. Well, other than studying and watching movies all day there's nothing else to do, lol. It looked cool the first one I made but then it got deleted :( Oh well..
From here on, I'll probably start posting earlier in the day since I seem to be passing out every night. It might be tough now, but the future is well worth it. That's what I have to keep thinking. Keep thinking forward, keep thinking positive, I might say I should have done things differently last year, but it was all for this moment. This moment in 4months.
Check it out, 107days left.
107days to study.
107days to get fit.
107days until I get to experience a new life again :)
in a city full of Asians.
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