Converging muscle cramps only begin when you kill time in a similar fashion

It started by chance when I thought I'd give that supposed "cat-clawed" broken DDR mat a try for no apparent reason.

What ever the reason may have been, I'm glad I did.
When I plugged in the mat to the PS2 and inserted the disk, and stepped on the mat and played 3 songs... my heart was racing so fast I was breathing really hard from just, well, excitement.

I realize that when I say I am "in love" with DDR, people don't seem to understand how serious that is. It's very serious. And it's not like it just some fun game I love to play all the time, I legit am obsessed with this game.

I'm not exactly sure why, I mean if I get anywhere close to playing games it has to be either Kingdom Hearts or DDR. I play DS games from time to time but nothing ever keeps a hold on me, and so I've faded away from loving games like I used to. I think cause maybe I really like to move with games. I like to have to follow the steps and such and be able to interact like that. Maybe it's the catchy dance music too? Or maybe it's because I know I'm exercising and burning calories.

All I know is that I'm addicted. I'm obsessed.
DDR to me is like someone's idea of alcohol. Or heroin. Even when it comes to a good time, instead of drinking I'd be that weirdo to suggest a DDR party instead. I played DDR for three and a half hours today and drank so much water that when I shake my body I can feel and hear it swishing inside me. My clothes were drenched with sweat. And now here I am writing a blog after a nice refreshing shower... at two in the morning. I'm not even tired strangely enough.

I bought four DDR games at GameStop within these past two days. I now own all PS2 DDR games except for one which I will constantly be searching for.

I'm losing a lot of weight with DDR. I'm getting even more exercise than I was before now which is even better. It feels like high school summer all over again. I went and volunteered at the YMCA, came home, ate, then played DDR for hours until my mom came home (she always complained that she heard me stomping from downstairs so I always had to stop when she got home). DDR was my birthday present that year, it was all I wanted as an initiative to lose weight that summer before I went to Japan. And then somewhere along the way I got addicted. It keeps me from thinking about other things too.

When I'm upset or depressed all I have to do is play DDR.
When I'm thinking too much about something all I have to do is play DDR.
When I'm hungry all I have to do is play DDR and I'll stop thinking about eating food because I'll get sucked into the game.

DDR is like that little bit of happy magic in my life, and it helps on the road to being healthy. Not to mention I started eating healthy AND eating much smaller portions. I looked at my supper today and kinda frowned. I wanted to eat more lol. But then I went to DDR and forgot all about hunger lol. After taking a short nap of course ;)

When I get married and have a house of my own, I'm going to be that wife who has a basement for games and possibly a DDR arcade system hahaaa or at least whatever PlayStation that is out at that time and a PS2 for my DDR days. I love it, I really do.

I will be losing weight sooner than expected :)
Now that DDR has come back into my life, I'm going to be a happier, healthier person.
It always makes me feel good afterwards, and during game play.

Yayyy lol

Dear Ed, I dedicate this post to you darling

Ed.

Wonderful, Ed.

This guy is unbelievable, and has the wrong idea or is just trying awfully way too hard. He is spoiling me.
Dear Ed, did you know you are all the talk in this apartment?
After the text message I received from you today, I felt like the people around me, other than my two roommates, deserve to hear your story. Why should me and two others alone have all the joys and laughs of what you say? To be honest, I'm kinda glad we had a random meeting by the fountain, and then the other awkward chance meeting at the Campus Center. Every new text I receive I must try to contain my laughter.

This is the text I received this morning:

"Hey, it was nice to see you the other day. I couldn't believe how good you looked. I remembered you as being around average in outer beauty, but yesterday you were gorgeous. I could barely recognize you. Its what's in the inside that matters to me, so it doesn't matter so much if you are gorgeous or average looking so much as whether you care or not but still, it was a pleasant surprise. I really hope I can get to know you, I really want to know whether your outer beauty has any correlation with inner beauty"

Ahh, darling Ed. How you know how to spoil a girl.
But at the same time you know how to make her laugh so hard and think you are a creep.
However, you have won the love from my fellow roommates. You really are, the talk of 663's second floor apartment. They always ask me everyday, "Any new texts from Ed today?"

The story of meeting Ed comes in two parts, I first met him as I waited outside the fountain and he walked over and asked to have a conversation with me. Then he proceeded to take my number.
The second time involves me sitting in a deserted area in the Campus Center on campus and he just appeared out of nowhere. During this second meeting, he asked me:
"Have we met before?"
Me looking at him like he's kidding then got confused. "Yes, I think we did."
"Samantha?"
"No, I'm Natasha."
"Oh oh, I'm so sorry! It's just I couldn't recognize you at all. You looked different that day."
Feeling awkward already, "haha Yeah, I'm kinda having a bad hair day today."
"No, no, I think you look really good today! It's just for some reason I could have sworn you had freckles last time I saw you."
....WTF? "haha No, I don't have freckles...."
"Oh... then maybe it just might have been how you looked in the sunlight."

Oh Ed, how you amuse us so.

Here's a toast to you, Ed.
For your annoying text messages,
For you awkward presence,
For your more than corny words,
For the laughs I have with friends,
For the sudden appearances,
And more than weird conversations.

Ed, please leave me alone :)

Taking it back a notch, I've seen that same little girl waving in the mirror

It's been a month since I've been on Blogger. Partly due to.... I'm sure I have an excuse but I can't remember what was going on with myself around that time.

But then due to an unfortunate event, my laptop crashed, all my data lost, and I had to get a new one. Good thing: I love my new computer so so much♥ Bad thing: All my videos and pictures that I took while I was in Japan are now lost and gone for good. My hard drive crashed and according to Best Buy's Geek Squad, my hard drive is in such broken condition it's impossible to start it running again without sending it to some professionals with the price tag of around $800. I bought my new computer and all its extras for less than that price.

It's really unfortunate, and I'm extremely upset and sad about it but... it happened. I can't keep breaking down about something like this.


Nothing excited happens in my life.
One annoying little guy getting involved in my life but I noticed his facebook status was about me. And he clearly wanted me to see seeing as he had the word "she" in caps. Yeah, told ya pal, NOT INTERESTED.

It's what happens when you make one little mistake and mess around with a guy you know likes you. I do blame it completely on myself. For one it was thoughtless and cruel to have him believe I wanted something. Kinda makes me think of myself, and how I'm probably thinking like him right now. It hurts. A lot. I used him because I was depressed, and I'm not going to do it again to anyone. It just bothers me that I clearly told him I didn't want anything more than to just continue being a friend... I made a mistake, and I feel terrible about it. But I'm sorry, I can't change my decision about what happened that night, and I made it clear it was just a stupid decision. But please... it's not like we had some connection for a long time... you shouldn't need to get so, so uptight about it.

I don't really like what has started to happen.
At first I was all happy, and well, now I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to think about what other guys think about me anymore or having to worry about trying to keep the friendship. Then because of how kind I am to them, most tend to get the wrong idea. Sure, maybe I like attention, but I don't want to be a possible candidate in their love life. I only have my eyes set on one guy. It's stupid yet... but I'm still saying it, aren't I?


And today I went grocery shopping, AGAIN. I feel like I do this every week for no apparent reason.  But today was different. I'm on a diet again, and I realized I have to plan on what I'm going to cook a day ahead of time to avoid overeating. I tend to make ramen when I get home then realize I'm in the mood for something else and then eat that. Overeating right?

I haven't been paying attention to my weight again and when I stepped on the scale I was horrified. I wasn't looking like it (at least I didn't really notice) that I was getting fatter but the scale doesn't lie. I'm not HUGE, don't get that wrong of an idea...

That was step one of the plan.
Step two involves what I eat.

I've decided from today on, June 24 2011, that I will become a pescatarian. At Price Chopper today I bought a lot of veggies and apples. I need to start eating healthier while eating things that have such low calorie intakes. If I do this while planning out my meals and exactly how much to eat I think I can lose this weight. Another unfortunate event, due to work and lack of sleep I can't really work out like I planned to since day one. About two-three days a week though I do walk, I just don't really know the distance. I walk a pretty good amount everyday anyway, so if I keep watch on my calories and fat, then try to walk more often or at the least do leg exercises in my room (thigh exercises to be exact) I should be able to do something about this issue.

I even curled my hair the other day in an attempt to look different. I thought I looked great, and so summer-y, but there's still those things I can't change about myself. Complexion, noticeable eye size difference, etc... it's kinda depressing when I look at it that way, trying to look pretty and noticing you can't change that much...

Just have to keep trying and find what best works for yourself.
And not to get worked up about all the little details.

There's lots of things I wish I could change about my face in general,
But maybe it can be turned into that unique trait that one special guy can joke and smile about with you.

And you'll be falling for me as I'm falling for you; and then we can run away

Sometime last year I got really into this one fanfiction. A Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction. Like many, I supported the whole Tidus-Yuna thing going on there and I didn't really care about how the Wakka-Lulu thing developed, nor did I care about any of the other characters' possible relationships. Just the main characters were my concern (well, maybe just Rikku would have been awesome too). Then sometime last year I got back into the X-2 couple thing and l started searching up fanfictions. Of course though knowing me, I don't look for the kiddie ones.

FanFiction.net is my home when I need that lift up when I want to read about something cute and well... "perfect".

It's hard to say perfect, it would be more to say that this are more "ideal" than normal couple life.
But even if it's ideal, it doesn't mean it can't be possible in real life too.


And it made me feel better as a person.


Because...
look at me. I'm helpless. I treasure someone a little too much. I've stayed exactly the same way as when he left me. I didn't go out looking for anyone else, I didn't get "experience" if you know what I'm getting at, etc. Same feelings, same dedication.

But then you look at other people.
Those people who really do sleep around and "experience".


It makes me feel better that I'm NOT one of those people.
Because reading this story again... I feel like... all those other people don't know how to be in a relationship, or more like, they don't know what real passion is.

I should explain.
Because even I don't think I'm saying this right.

As I was continuing to clean my room today I came upon a blank disk.
At first I didn't know what it was for but then I remembered, for what purpose I planned to use it. Then I got my thoughts thinking back on that FF X-2 story. And something just clicked.

That feeling.

That feeling of something serious, something you know won't fade away. Something like being able to smile everyday because of that same person. The feeling of knowing you can keep turning back to them to keep you going. I think that's a better way of what I'm trying to say. People who just sleep around for the hell of it can't feel any of that and it's really just.... really sad. But most of the time it's their own fault too.

But do you get what I'm saying?
Like, I feel like I'm better than all of that because I know that feeling. And that I'm one of those people who would trying to make it that serious. And now I feel really disgusted about all those people who don't think of that. Those who do just sleep with whoever they want for thrills. It makes me feel like they don't have a heart yet.


I know that's really rude to say.
Any one reading this could be one of those people.
But it's just something that really hit me. I guess, reading that story again today threw me off guard. It was that perfect amount of romance and description of passion where you just couldn't take it anymore and your heart wanted to melt. Well, since I've bonded to the two characters from years ago it all just seems like the best story ever, very much fitting of their personalities too. 22pages, but the best 22 pages ever, however I'll admit to skipping one or two near the end. Just reading the first page grabs your attention though :)


'Cause when I read that story, I felt like this was happening. Their connection was just too great, too powerful, their feelings were more than just written words. You could feel their lust, their hope, the love they gave each other.



And then I looked at my CD....
And....


There were many times when I felt that same emotion. Many times.
Memories come back.


There's just a different feeling when you're spending time with the person you really really care about, where you both feel the same. It can't be matched even when you surround yourself with many other girls/guys for some fun. That is the feeling those kinds of people are missing out on. If they've never experienced that feeling before, maybe they're lucky or maybe they're unlucky. But I'm glad that I'm still retaining that emotion. I don't know what I'd do without it. Well... I mean I am living without having it anymore, and I really miss it.

I really miss it.

The story is called "That night on Besaid Beach" and is also the title of the first chapter.
If anyone is interested in reading what I think is a very well written romance fanfiction, here's the link:
Final Fantasy X-2 fanfiction<<<< clicky ♥

If you aren't familiar with either FF X or X-2 then places, people, and references will be confusing to you. But you can still keep up with the two love birds (I hope). As they say on Quizilla, there are "lemons" lol.

Oh my god, lemon.
I still don't know how they got the word lemon for sex.


But that's what this is.
I would never want to be anything other than this.
I want to be serious about someone all the time in a relationship. It's the right thing to do I think. Not only that, but it makes every moment so much better. Spending time for someone you're serious with, there's no better feeling in the world.

That's why I was going to make that CD.
Remembering the reasons I did so, just make that feeling come back to me again.

But the truth is....
Even though I remember it, because it's been so long since I've had any mutual response,

I feel like I don't know that person on the other side of the world anymore.
And then, I don't know who it is I'm actually in love with anymore. Almost like I made him up.
That feeling... is just as bad as not having the one I talked about.
Sometimes he doesn't feel like the same guy I liked anymore.

This music for you is just a moment of memories that I'll constantly sing to even after our time together has passed

I rearranged my room today.
My stuff is still piled up in the kitchen and on my bed, but I really like where my desk is now, even though I have wires kinda all over the place haha. And just for my readers, I'll give you a sneak peak of it below ;) I'll post a picture. The picture makes it look a lot bigger than the room actually is. Believe me, there's not much space at all but it's still refreshing. Much more refreshing than before. I mean, last time I messed around with my room it didn't feel any different to me. But now, I feel like it really is a different room and hopefully it'll cheer me up :)


I keep thinking about my last blog.

I know it was important for me to post it, but at the same time I feel like it was very rude.
I'm not regretting the post, it's just... something today made me uncomfortable about what I wrote.

While I was cleaning my room I found some old papers from back in November-December that he sent to me. And as I read them, I began to to feel... upset again. Because some of the things said really bothered me. But whether they really bothered me or not, he was right. And the way I see it now is, this blog is just another sad feature of control.

In all honestly that isn't my purpose when I post these.
Most of the time I post these just to let him know that this is what's on my mind, how I'm feeling, and if and when I get upset about something. All of this stuff can be related to him or it can't. I use it as a source of attention. It's very shameful to admit to that but it's the truth. And he knows it too. But then at the same time, after reading that old note, I felt like I understood how this also seems as a means of control.

I don't want him to hate me anymore.
Or at least... begin to hate me.

Because posting some things can only lead to bad feelings. And well, sometimes unconscious control.

I'm an idiot. I really am.
Here I've been thinking that if he kept reading these and began to understand how he was making me feel, then things would get better. But now I feel like it's getting worse. I don't want him sad all the time. Or unhappy or displeased.

He's right.
It's his life. And I need to stay out of it.


I know he's not the greatest guy out there. And he's.... well.... self-absorbed. And I've learned more things I could hate about him over this past year and I'm sure he came with just as many good reasons to call me a bitch, stalker, emotional, etc. person and have good reason for it.

I was upset at him. That's all I wanted him to know.

But I don't want it to change anything.


I'm going to stop getting into his life.
It's honestly too late to even begin doing this because it can't have as much of a positive effect as it could have sooner but...
I know why this is.

Let's admit it. He's my first for a lot of things. And things like that are hard to let go of.
I don't want to let go, no not at all. So I'm still hoping I can still be here for him when he gets back.
But I've been going about this all wrong.
I swear it's like trial and error with me.

I still have mixed thoughts about buying that webcam though just because of what happened. But I mean, it's not like it was all bad. I was just in a crummy mood and I regretted it all. How could I regret it? It's not like he was just anyone to me.


I need to correct myself badly.
My bad habits are going to far.
No one will want to deal with me eventually.


Maybe I've been going to far for both of us when I used the word "love".
Maybe I feellllllllll like I love him but, it's wrong to push a word as strong as that onto someone.

Wien Chung,
I reallyyyyy like you :)

I know you can be a pretty bad guy (lol)
but you're still pretty cool to me.
The coolest guy I know.
So, I like you, a lot.

haha Gosh, this just sounds really horrible and pathetic right now >w<

but I really am serious.
We both have our own lives and I should stop caring about which path he decided to take.
Sure I care, but you know, we're separate now no matter how hard it is to say that.

But I'll still be waiting.
I've continued to keep my promise. That promise to myself.

But I'm really glad I found that letter again.
Kinda painful to read, but without pain how is one to correct and learn from their mistakes?


Here's a sneak peak of my room before I go to sleep. Work in the AM.
I swear I work enough hours to be a full-time worker.
FMLLL

I'll post a video to Facebook hopefully tomorrow though to give the final presentation and a 360* view ;)
And yes, my bra is hanging on the wall.... don't ask questions. lol

Only in fairytales

I made a mistake when I bought my webcam. There was no point in having it. I told myself I wouldn't do this shit anymore, and look what I did. I regret it again, just like I've regretted all the other times.

Because there is no point in this.


I'm tired of crying.

He doesn't get it.
He says he knows how much I love him, but he doesn't.
And then every time I tell him I miss him or anything to express any of my emotions, all he tells me is "understood".


What is that?
That just really hurts. He doesn't even acknowledge me here, that's what it means. How can you just "understand" and accept something as much as a confession of ones feelings as something "understood"? That is just the worst word to use. And I always blew it off before... but yesterday I couldn't anymore.

I cried.
I cried because I felt like nothing.
And then I went to work still feeling the tears dry around my eyes. Forcing a smile for my manager.



I watched Phantom of the Opera yesterday.
The movie was incredible, and I fell in love with it.
I couldn't ask for a better love story.

I've been listening to random music but it always seems like all Chinese music is love related.
Not sure if that's even a good thing....


But I don't know what to do.
I feel so apart after yesterday. I don't know what I'm doing. And when this happens all I can do is think of all the reasons I should give up. Like how he gave up, or how there's no way he would have liked me before he left or he wouldn't have done this to me, or how there's no way he could still care about me if he already tried to get someone else, and all these other random thoughts. And then I feel like I'm being lied to.

And for the first time,
I felt like I was being treated like shit.

Just because I gave my feelings.


There's no point in me saying anything because whether it's sincere or not I just end up crying in the end.
Because I'm pushed back down to the dirt.


So I try to think of the reasons I should just give up. Things about me. Because it's easier to take this constant rejection if I blame myself for something. If if I blame myself for that, if I feel not worthy, it makes things easier. Things like I'm not pretty enough, or I'm just too stupid, or something like that. I think of all my bad features and work from that.

But that always only lasts for so long.
Because then I'm dragged back in from talks with him that make me feel almost accepted.
Accepted, but I clearly know it's nothing but friend conversation. But even still... because of all the words about myself stuffed into my head, and realizing how right he probably is, it hurts to joke around with him when he calls me stupid. Even that I can only take so much.

And then my shelf fell off my wall last night.
And just with all these bad things happening, I just feel depressed and cry more often.

Because I really do care.
I'm not being creepy. It's just, I know I want this for a reason.
Since when was it so wrong to know you want to protect this person? That you want to care for this person? Since when was it ever wrong to be so serious about someone you'd do anything for them? Since when was that something only a wife would do?


What's even true anymore...
Is it him that's not worth everything I'm willing to give....
Or is it me that's not worth everything he is.....


I know he's happy over there.... but why does he have to be mean to me here?
I just miss him.... but it never seems like he appreciates it.

I can't do this anymore....
I don't know when I'm going to break.
What am I doing wrong?
I don't understand anymore.

I found this GIF (below) online somewhere.
It has a lot to say.... but every bit of it is correct.
And the last sentence....
I just want that acceptance too. Because I felt perfect with him.
And I'd still give anything to feel perfect again.
I'm an idiot, I know this.... but I can't let go of my feelings.
No matter how much I should force myself to disappear from any part of his life.

He doesn't understand how I feel.
I don't know how to respond anymore.
What should I do?

A terrible addiction

Internet radio on my iPod.


I am so attached to this, it's getting ridiculus.

I've been attending to two different stations,
one is a dance/techno radio station in Chicago,
the other an Asian music station (plays Japanese, Korean, and Chinese) that's centered in Hong Kong.

I'll just sit around and listen in between stations and write down songs I really liked.
I was able to collected a few Chinese songs, and I got a broader view of how far out the dance community stretches. I remember back in junior high/high school, on Friday nights after 10 I think it was, they had remix night of all the popular songs on this one radio station and I'd always go to sleep listening to it. It made my nights complete.

It's been one of those things that's keeping me going, well, keeping me happy here.
Like I said, laying on my bed, listening to the internet radio with the lights of and window open for the warm summer breeze, it's the greatest relaxation I feel. Especially when it's the dance station I'm listening to.

The Asian station is nice too, but ever since a long time ago, me and dance just got along really well :)


I like internet radio ♥