Only in fairytales

I made a mistake when I bought my webcam. There was no point in having it. I told myself I wouldn't do this shit anymore, and look what I did. I regret it again, just like I've regretted all the other times.

Because there is no point in this.


I'm tired of crying.

He doesn't get it.
He says he knows how much I love him, but he doesn't.
And then every time I tell him I miss him or anything to express any of my emotions, all he tells me is "understood".


What is that?
That just really hurts. He doesn't even acknowledge me here, that's what it means. How can you just "understand" and accept something as much as a confession of ones feelings as something "understood"? That is just the worst word to use. And I always blew it off before... but yesterday I couldn't anymore.

I cried.
I cried because I felt like nothing.
And then I went to work still feeling the tears dry around my eyes. Forcing a smile for my manager.



I watched Phantom of the Opera yesterday.
The movie was incredible, and I fell in love with it.
I couldn't ask for a better love story.

I've been listening to random music but it always seems like all Chinese music is love related.
Not sure if that's even a good thing....


But I don't know what to do.
I feel so apart after yesterday. I don't know what I'm doing. And when this happens all I can do is think of all the reasons I should give up. Like how he gave up, or how there's no way he would have liked me before he left or he wouldn't have done this to me, or how there's no way he could still care about me if he already tried to get someone else, and all these other random thoughts. And then I feel like I'm being lied to.

And for the first time,
I felt like I was being treated like shit.

Just because I gave my feelings.


There's no point in me saying anything because whether it's sincere or not I just end up crying in the end.
Because I'm pushed back down to the dirt.


So I try to think of the reasons I should just give up. Things about me. Because it's easier to take this constant rejection if I blame myself for something. If if I blame myself for that, if I feel not worthy, it makes things easier. Things like I'm not pretty enough, or I'm just too stupid, or something like that. I think of all my bad features and work from that.

But that always only lasts for so long.
Because then I'm dragged back in from talks with him that make me feel almost accepted.
Accepted, but I clearly know it's nothing but friend conversation. But even still... because of all the words about myself stuffed into my head, and realizing how right he probably is, it hurts to joke around with him when he calls me stupid. Even that I can only take so much.

And then my shelf fell off my wall last night.
And just with all these bad things happening, I just feel depressed and cry more often.

Because I really do care.
I'm not being creepy. It's just, I know I want this for a reason.
Since when was it so wrong to know you want to protect this person? That you want to care for this person? Since when was it ever wrong to be so serious about someone you'd do anything for them? Since when was that something only a wife would do?


What's even true anymore...
Is it him that's not worth everything I'm willing to give....
Or is it me that's not worth everything he is.....


I know he's happy over there.... but why does he have to be mean to me here?
I just miss him.... but it never seems like he appreciates it.

I can't do this anymore....
I don't know when I'm going to break.
What am I doing wrong?
I don't understand anymore.

I found this GIF (below) online somewhere.
It has a lot to say.... but every bit of it is correct.
And the last sentence....
I just want that acceptance too. Because I felt perfect with him.
And I'd still give anything to feel perfect again.
I'm an idiot, I know this.... but I can't let go of my feelings.
No matter how much I should force myself to disappear from any part of his life.

He doesn't understand how I feel.
I don't know how to respond anymore.
What should I do?