My stuff is still piled up in the kitchen and on my bed, but I really like where my desk is now, even though I have wires kinda all over the place haha. And just for my readers, I'll give you a sneak peak of it below ;) I'll post a picture. The picture makes it look a lot bigger than the room actually is. Believe me, there's not much space at all but it's still refreshing. Much more refreshing than before. I mean, last time I messed around with my room it didn't feel any different to me. But now, I feel like it really is a different room and hopefully it'll cheer me up :)
I keep thinking about my last blog.
I know it was important for me to post it, but at the same time I feel like it was very rude.
I'm not regretting the post, it's just... something today made me uncomfortable about what I wrote.
While I was cleaning my room I found some old papers from back in November-December that he sent to me. And as I read them, I began to to feel... upset again. Because some of the things said really bothered me. But whether they really bothered me or not, he was right. And the way I see it now is, this blog is just another sad feature of control.
In all honestly that isn't my purpose when I post these.
Most of the time I post these just to let him know that this is what's on my mind, how I'm feeling, and if and when I get upset about something. All of this stuff can be related to him or it can't. I use it as a source of attention. It's very shameful to admit to that but it's the truth. And he knows it too. But then at the same time, after reading that old note, I felt like I understood how this also seems as a means of control.
I don't want him to hate me anymore.
Or at least... begin to hate me.
Because posting some things can only lead to bad feelings. And well, sometimes unconscious control.
I'm an idiot. I really am.
Here I've been thinking that if he kept reading these and began to understand how he was making me feel, then things would get better. But now I feel like it's getting worse. I don't want him sad all the time. Or unhappy or displeased.
He's right.
It's his life. And I need to stay out of it.
I know he's not the greatest guy out there. And he's.... well.... self-absorbed. And I've learned more things I could hate about him over this past year and I'm sure he came with just as many good reasons to call me a bitch, stalker, emotional, etc. person and have good reason for it.
I was upset at him. That's all I wanted him to know.
But I don't want it to change anything.
I'm going to stop getting into his life.
It's honestly too late to even begin doing this because it can't have as much of a positive effect as it could have sooner but...
I know why this is.
Let's admit it. He's my first for a lot of things. And things like that are hard to let go of.
I don't want to let go, no not at all. So I'm still hoping I can still be here for him when he gets back.
But I've been going about this all wrong.
I swear it's like trial and error with me.
I still have mixed thoughts about buying that webcam though just because of what happened. But I mean, it's not like it was all bad. I was just in a crummy mood and I regretted it all. How could I regret it? It's not like he was just anyone to me.
I need to correct myself badly.
My bad habits are going to far.
No one will want to deal with me eventually.
Maybe I've been going to far for both of us when I used the word "love".
Maybe I feellllllllll like I love him but, it's wrong to push a word as strong as that onto someone.
Wien Chung,
I reallyyyyy like you :)
I know you can be a pretty bad guy (lol)
but you're still pretty cool to me.
The coolest guy I know.
So, I like you, a lot.
haha Gosh, this just sounds really horrible and pathetic right now >w<
but I really am serious.
We both have our own lives and I should stop caring about which path he decided to take.
Sure I care, but you know, we're separate now no matter how hard it is to say that.
But I'll still be waiting.
I've continued to keep my promise. That promise to myself.
But I'm really glad I found that letter again.
Kinda painful to read, but without pain how is one to correct and learn from their mistakes?
Here's a sneak peak of my room before I go to sleep. Work in the AM.
I swear I work enough hours to be a full-time worker.
FMLLL
I'll post a video to Facebook hopefully tomorrow though to give the final presentation and a 360* view ;)
And yes, my bra is hanging on the wall.... don't ask questions. lol
No comments:
Post a Comment