Flushing is my home

I decided to take a trip to NYC before heading on my way to Pennsylvania. I stayed at a friend's place who surprisingly lives in Bayside, a legit 5 minute bus ride away from Flushing. I was... absolutely beyond happy. Ever since I first went to Flushing last year, I fell in love with the place. Sure, at that time I was in love with anything Korean and when I saw all the signs and billboards I was just ecstatic and took pictures of every random thing in my path. But it's an Asian area that isn't Chinatown and it has that mixture of both Korean life and Chinese life.

I really love Flushing and I really wish I could stay there the entire summer or even live there. There's so much to try, so many new foods, bakeries, ASIAN MEN~

Flushing is just like, my real home.


I went to the all you can eat Korean BBQ that I first went to with Wien. I went with five other friends, well, the one girl I just met that day. I over-ate too much rice and made this sauce that tasted amazing with the grilled squid and meat. But this one meat there was really amazing :)

And as always I got myself bubble tea, because I'm so Asian lol
Taro flavor this time ♥ And it was sooo yummyy

Day two involved eating at a Vietnamese restaurant in Flushing. I got Chicken Curry Stew and the flavor of the broth was just so fantastic, I can't even begin to tell you. See, that's what I mean. There's just so much new things and such a variety of culture and food and.... I missed it. A lot.

That night I made plans to meet with Wien's family. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea at all. I mean, I really wanted to see them again, I really like them. But the last thing I wanted to do was upset him. I mean after everything that has happened, I'm still clingy and wanting him but, I didn't want there to be the idea of being desperate. The entire time before the time of meeting them I was getting so nervous. I just didn't know if I was doing something good or bad and if I should have regretted letting his mom know I was in NYC. But then, I still wanted to make sure she was feeling alright too.

I didn't know what to wear. I just wanted to impress them and I think I really did accomplish that. I wore the dress that I bought, and had my hair up again and it looked really cool with my large hoop earrings and sunglasses. I kept telling myself that I looked like a ROCKSTAR when I looked at myself in the mirror. I think I did good, and when his aunt and brother took me to the Cantonese restaurant where I met up with his mom and cousin, the look on her face made me really happy and embarrassed. I knew I did good, I knew I looked really good! His mom still looked amazing as every too! I was stunned AGAIN by how young she looks for her age.

And I was really surprised at how not ackward it ended up being. I enjoyed myself a whole lot and the food was really good too. They were really kind, and his cousin looked soo much more attractive than I last remembered haha. Everything felt just like normal hearing them talk their Cantonese, talking to me in English every-so-often and it felt completely normal. And hearing all that constant Cantonese again made me realize something important.

It's not just because of him anymore.
It was the help of everyone that I made this decision to go to Hong Kong.

It was hard to just put into words in my head at that time. I clearly understood nothing unless his brother translated it for me, but I still smiled as they laughed and it felt like I was studying abroad again. The Cantonese language sounds so cool, and I really like how a lot of the sentences end with a "aaaaa" type sound. I kinda caught onto that as that spoke at the table and then completely understood when I was at their house and we played Mario Party. Willard kept saying sentences like "B-aaa" or "battery-aaa" and I mentally translated that as "the" or "it is". Kinda like the "だ/です" in Japanese.

After we ate I felt a lot more comfortable walking back to the car. Willard kept talking to me about anime and it wasn't any kind of weird feeling. I don't really remember talking to him too much in the past but it felt like we did. And then before taking me home they offered me to come and play games back at their house. I thought maybe it would be going to far to say okay, I mean, going back inside was really pushing it in my eyes. So I just said I didn't want anyone to feel like I'm imposing myself or anything and they it was fine. So, there I went.

I waited in the living room and I saw these three paintings that Willard did. He's really talented, it's incredible. One plays guitar and piano, the other is a master at art. Jealousss

But we played Mario Party with everyone except his mom. I had a lot of fun and I started screaming at the TV as I normally do. I didn't regret it at all. I stopped thinking about that constant wonder if it was a good or bad idea. I was so happy I made plans to meet up. I enjoyed everyone's company again.

And then I had to say goodbye.

I'll admit, I wish he could have been there so I could have teased him when I kicked his ass or something, to be lead back into his basement and fall asleep on that folding couch, and all I know is that it could have been a stupid move to even go through with this. But I had a lot of fun, and I'm really really glad I was able to see them again.


My last day in Flushing was me and my friend going for Dim Sum. And then I went to the Chinese bakery next door where I proceeded to buy $7 worth of bread and then I forgot it at my friend's house before leaving to Port Authority.

I had a lot of fun and I'm now proud to say that I can successfully get from Port Authority to Flushing my train ALL BY MYSELF :)
And then be able to ride the 12 or 13 bus in Flushing to any stop on those paths BY MYSELF :)

I'm going back to Flushing August 1st and 2nd.
I know it's impossible to see the family again, just because that would be really strange to ask so but...

I had a great time those three days. I only hope the next two days I spend in Flushing again in two weeks can be even better :) I'm hoping so

And I'm not really Asian no matter how much I say it, but, I'm glad I'm in love with the culture and I'm glad I want to believe it in the inside. Because nothing is beating this feeling ♥

Stepping stones of Confidence don't always bring you a Happy Ending

Throughout the year I've been posting random blogs on a Japanese site. As I read back on them, I'm not so sure how I feel about them. As I flip the pages back in a journal from the past few months, I don't know how I feel about those entries.

I look toward another journal I kept as a kid.
I carry it everywhere (as in when I move to new places for a long time) just to remind me of the kind of person I used to be in high school. High school... a time of low self-esteem and random days of constant depression. The things I worried about then are almost completely behind me, sure I still worry about it but, clearly not in the way I used to. As we all know my mind is pretty locked on one object only anyway.

Confidence.
I was thinking back on it while I had a conversation with my friend last night. He said something to me... and I completely disagreed with him. Did I want to? Actually.... I didn't want to disagree with him at all. If I agreed with him, I would have been over confident. Or to be blind and make myself seem like the greatest thing in the world. I told him, "you're wrong. I really am a bitch. I've screwed up so much."


Yesterday I went to Great Escape with him and his other friend. I didn't know where the confidence suddenly came from. I felt good just stripping down to my bikini and walking around the water park area just as. Maybe I've lost that considerable amount of weight that I'm not afraid to show a stomach. Maybe I've toned down my thighs a bit so they're not as big. I just felt super confident about myself. But from where?

I started wearing my hair a different way.
I pull my bangs back and pin them up.
It looks really cute on me, and recently I've been getting a lot of compliments.
I'm even buying clothes I never thought I'd ever buy myself to wear, such as dresses and skirts.

And I gained a new hobby.
All of a sudden I just love cooking! I love experimenting on random foods with veggies and tofu or with real recipes. It's soo much fun! I want to cook for others too!

When you say confidence, isn't the way I'm taking it probably in the worst way?


Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself, it's more than going out and being able to gain attention. Confidence has to be within yourself. Be happy with yourself from the inside. Little things can begin to bring out that shine of confidence, but it can only satisfy you for so long. Lets just say it this way... the times I get complimented or when I'm told something that makes me happy, I am really happy at that point. Like, reallyyyy happy. But then I get that time alone, and I realize, this confidence isn't satisfying at all. Of course, there's always the missing piece.

To no matter what it is, there's always something missing. For everyone.


Every time I take steps of confidence here,
the more I realize it's worth nothing without that missing piece.


Well, at the least, I do feel comfortable about myself and my personality.
I told him last night I've screwed up many times, but I know I wouldn't anymore.
I just need a chance to fill up that missing piece to complete my confidence.

Another love song about you, that's probably going to fall short of reaching you

I've been watching all my old animes again.
Not just Sailor Moon, I started watching the Higurashi no Naku koro Ni series over, Chrono Crusade, Demashita Powerpuff Girls Z, etc. I've been watching them in raw format too which makes it a little more interesting and helps me to practice my listening. I feel like I'm turning back into that high school girl I once was.

....but when I say that....
I get really upset and scared.

Me in high school.... I hated myself a lot. Because of how I was.
Maybe I've gained enough confidence about myself throughout these past two years but it doesn't change how scared I feel about becoming that girl again. I was a really sad person, relied on anime to bring my hopes up and make me happy, and fantasizing.... too much. Fantasizing something that couldn't be really for me, and then when it did, I lost it. It makes me upset to think I've ever pretended to have something. But I've been doing that for awhile now anyway it seems.

But in any case I'm still watching some of my old shows, praying that I don't become that addict I once was.


I've also became sickly obsessed with a certain fanfiction from an autor who releases a new chapter every Saturday morning. I look forward to it all the time, and it brightens my day. It's pretty sad actually hahaa.... it's a Sailor Moon fanfiction, but Minako (Sailor Venus) was always my favorite and this author writes her life and all the other Sailor Senshi's lives when they're older and in their 20s. But the way he writes Minako's life is just how I always imagined her to be. Perverted in a way still obsessed with finding love. But what I found even better about this author's writing is that he follows how in the manga Minako was told she will never find love by this guy who lusted for her. And now in this story, she's in her second marriage and because that guy who she lusted for and he did same came back into her life, he ruins EVERYTHING and she's stuck alone again. Her marrage now though is SO perfect but I know because of this other guy AGAIN (his name is Ace) her life becomes turmoil and love fails again because she couldn't stop herself from having sex with Ace. But no one wants to read me rave about this amazing fanfiction so I'll stop there.



I'm working a third job.

Because....
I don't know what else to do with myself.
It's like I'd rather overwork myself instead of leave my thoughts to wander.


I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore.
My thoughts tend to wander away anyway.


I care about him a lot, and I just wish I could show him that I could make him happy like before every time he was with me. I'm not sure how to do it though, if I can't spend the time with him.

I'd write him a love song, but I'm not very good at music.
All I could ever do was draw.

These recent days seem harder and harder, and the strain seems more apparent. But like I wrote in my last blog, I won't give up, I can't.
I care too much about him, I want to love him. I want to show him that I do too.


I know I've screwed up.
I know I've become annoying.
But knowing all of this just makes me want to work harder.
It may seem like it's just another thing but, I've honestly learned a lot through this past year without him. I've learned how much he means to me and to what extent I'd go to to keep him here in my arms. It sounds stupid. But I'm 100% positive that I'm a better girlfriend than I was before. I know where I went wrong. And I'm willing to re-write all my previous steps to glue up all the broken pieces.

I just need him to believe in me.


I'm going to keep fighting.
I'll keep fighting, and hopefully soon I'll reach that point where I can truly prove myself.
I'm a stupid girl, for someone everyone tells me to forget about.

But I want to do something right in my life. And I know this is it.

determining. reading. finalizing. syncing.

It's simple to say one can never forget.
It's harder to say you want to forget.
Where am I supposed to stop? Or better yet, when should I?


Randomly a friend messaged me.
I really... respected him.
He didn't have to tell me anything, but what he told me just really surprised me.
And I respected him as a guy, but the girl is being foolish.


But she's scared too.
At least it seems like that.
But he's trying really hard. And she's blind for it.

So for both of us,
when does that happen? The point of release.
The point of knowing,

everything seems pointless.


Another guy.
Last night.

Hardly know him, only met him once, and he started saying weird, uncomfortable terms with me.
"Hey gorgeous", "you're cute but strange lol" ???? wtf.


Makes me wonder if someone is trying to slap me in the face.
It is nice to be called cute once in a while though, whether it's just for my actions or appearance....


I gave myself into it.
I said what I wanted to say.
I said what I had to say.

But like me and the first guy,
how do you just stop something you've put everything in to?

Then I thought about others who are similar like me.


hope.


It drives a person.
It comes in foolish colors.
It makes them not think straight.
It's what feeds me now.
I absorb it just as much as a plant absorbs sunlight to survive.


Does it make sense when I say,
I'm afraid to give up
but I'm not afraid to lose?

because I think it's the best way to put it.
Giving up, it's just as worse.
If I really do give up, all I'll keeping wondering is what could have happened if I didn't.
I'll live off of that "IF" scenario. I hate wondering 'what if'.
why can't I try hard? why can't I do my best and do what I can?
don't freaking... criticize me.
it's just something, I feel like I have to do.

I want to be a little selfish here.
I want to be selfish right now.

I think I'm just full of a lot of different ideas right now.
Had to say it to someone somehow. I apologize, it's just,
I'm not very good talking to people about emotions.
no wrong intended.

Converging muscle cramps only begin when you kill time in a similar fashion

It started by chance when I thought I'd give that supposed "cat-clawed" broken DDR mat a try for no apparent reason.

What ever the reason may have been, I'm glad I did.
When I plugged in the mat to the PS2 and inserted the disk, and stepped on the mat and played 3 songs... my heart was racing so fast I was breathing really hard from just, well, excitement.

I realize that when I say I am "in love" with DDR, people don't seem to understand how serious that is. It's very serious. And it's not like it just some fun game I love to play all the time, I legit am obsessed with this game.

I'm not exactly sure why, I mean if I get anywhere close to playing games it has to be either Kingdom Hearts or DDR. I play DS games from time to time but nothing ever keeps a hold on me, and so I've faded away from loving games like I used to. I think cause maybe I really like to move with games. I like to have to follow the steps and such and be able to interact like that. Maybe it's the catchy dance music too? Or maybe it's because I know I'm exercising and burning calories.

All I know is that I'm addicted. I'm obsessed.
DDR to me is like someone's idea of alcohol. Or heroin. Even when it comes to a good time, instead of drinking I'd be that weirdo to suggest a DDR party instead. I played DDR for three and a half hours today and drank so much water that when I shake my body I can feel and hear it swishing inside me. My clothes were drenched with sweat. And now here I am writing a blog after a nice refreshing shower... at two in the morning. I'm not even tired strangely enough.

I bought four DDR games at GameStop within these past two days. I now own all PS2 DDR games except for one which I will constantly be searching for.

I'm losing a lot of weight with DDR. I'm getting even more exercise than I was before now which is even better. It feels like high school summer all over again. I went and volunteered at the YMCA, came home, ate, then played DDR for hours until my mom came home (she always complained that she heard me stomping from downstairs so I always had to stop when she got home). DDR was my birthday present that year, it was all I wanted as an initiative to lose weight that summer before I went to Japan. And then somewhere along the way I got addicted. It keeps me from thinking about other things too.

When I'm upset or depressed all I have to do is play DDR.
When I'm thinking too much about something all I have to do is play DDR.
When I'm hungry all I have to do is play DDR and I'll stop thinking about eating food because I'll get sucked into the game.

DDR is like that little bit of happy magic in my life, and it helps on the road to being healthy. Not to mention I started eating healthy AND eating much smaller portions. I looked at my supper today and kinda frowned. I wanted to eat more lol. But then I went to DDR and forgot all about hunger lol. After taking a short nap of course ;)

When I get married and have a house of my own, I'm going to be that wife who has a basement for games and possibly a DDR arcade system hahaaa or at least whatever PlayStation that is out at that time and a PS2 for my DDR days. I love it, I really do.

I will be losing weight sooner than expected :)
Now that DDR has come back into my life, I'm going to be a happier, healthier person.
It always makes me feel good afterwards, and during game play.

Yayyy lol

Dear Ed, I dedicate this post to you darling

Ed.

Wonderful, Ed.

This guy is unbelievable, and has the wrong idea or is just trying awfully way too hard. He is spoiling me.
Dear Ed, did you know you are all the talk in this apartment?
After the text message I received from you today, I felt like the people around me, other than my two roommates, deserve to hear your story. Why should me and two others alone have all the joys and laughs of what you say? To be honest, I'm kinda glad we had a random meeting by the fountain, and then the other awkward chance meeting at the Campus Center. Every new text I receive I must try to contain my laughter.

This is the text I received this morning:

"Hey, it was nice to see you the other day. I couldn't believe how good you looked. I remembered you as being around average in outer beauty, but yesterday you were gorgeous. I could barely recognize you. Its what's in the inside that matters to me, so it doesn't matter so much if you are gorgeous or average looking so much as whether you care or not but still, it was a pleasant surprise. I really hope I can get to know you, I really want to know whether your outer beauty has any correlation with inner beauty"

Ahh, darling Ed. How you know how to spoil a girl.
But at the same time you know how to make her laugh so hard and think you are a creep.
However, you have won the love from my fellow roommates. You really are, the talk of 663's second floor apartment. They always ask me everyday, "Any new texts from Ed today?"

The story of meeting Ed comes in two parts, I first met him as I waited outside the fountain and he walked over and asked to have a conversation with me. Then he proceeded to take my number.
The second time involves me sitting in a deserted area in the Campus Center on campus and he just appeared out of nowhere. During this second meeting, he asked me:
"Have we met before?"
Me looking at him like he's kidding then got confused. "Yes, I think we did."
"Samantha?"
"No, I'm Natasha."
"Oh oh, I'm so sorry! It's just I couldn't recognize you at all. You looked different that day."
Feeling awkward already, "haha Yeah, I'm kinda having a bad hair day today."
"No, no, I think you look really good today! It's just for some reason I could have sworn you had freckles last time I saw you."
....WTF? "haha No, I don't have freckles...."
"Oh... then maybe it just might have been how you looked in the sunlight."

Oh Ed, how you amuse us so.

Here's a toast to you, Ed.
For your annoying text messages,
For you awkward presence,
For your more than corny words,
For the laughs I have with friends,
For the sudden appearances,
And more than weird conversations.

Ed, please leave me alone :)

Taking it back a notch, I've seen that same little girl waving in the mirror

It's been a month since I've been on Blogger. Partly due to.... I'm sure I have an excuse but I can't remember what was going on with myself around that time.

But then due to an unfortunate event, my laptop crashed, all my data lost, and I had to get a new one. Good thing: I love my new computer so so much♥ Bad thing: All my videos and pictures that I took while I was in Japan are now lost and gone for good. My hard drive crashed and according to Best Buy's Geek Squad, my hard drive is in such broken condition it's impossible to start it running again without sending it to some professionals with the price tag of around $800. I bought my new computer and all its extras for less than that price.

It's really unfortunate, and I'm extremely upset and sad about it but... it happened. I can't keep breaking down about something like this.


Nothing excited happens in my life.
One annoying little guy getting involved in my life but I noticed his facebook status was about me. And he clearly wanted me to see seeing as he had the word "she" in caps. Yeah, told ya pal, NOT INTERESTED.

It's what happens when you make one little mistake and mess around with a guy you know likes you. I do blame it completely on myself. For one it was thoughtless and cruel to have him believe I wanted something. Kinda makes me think of myself, and how I'm probably thinking like him right now. It hurts. A lot. I used him because I was depressed, and I'm not going to do it again to anyone. It just bothers me that I clearly told him I didn't want anything more than to just continue being a friend... I made a mistake, and I feel terrible about it. But I'm sorry, I can't change my decision about what happened that night, and I made it clear it was just a stupid decision. But please... it's not like we had some connection for a long time... you shouldn't need to get so, so uptight about it.

I don't really like what has started to happen.
At first I was all happy, and well, now I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to think about what other guys think about me anymore or having to worry about trying to keep the friendship. Then because of how kind I am to them, most tend to get the wrong idea. Sure, maybe I like attention, but I don't want to be a possible candidate in their love life. I only have my eyes set on one guy. It's stupid yet... but I'm still saying it, aren't I?


And today I went grocery shopping, AGAIN. I feel like I do this every week for no apparent reason.  But today was different. I'm on a diet again, and I realized I have to plan on what I'm going to cook a day ahead of time to avoid overeating. I tend to make ramen when I get home then realize I'm in the mood for something else and then eat that. Overeating right?

I haven't been paying attention to my weight again and when I stepped on the scale I was horrified. I wasn't looking like it (at least I didn't really notice) that I was getting fatter but the scale doesn't lie. I'm not HUGE, don't get that wrong of an idea...

That was step one of the plan.
Step two involves what I eat.

I've decided from today on, June 24 2011, that I will become a pescatarian. At Price Chopper today I bought a lot of veggies and apples. I need to start eating healthier while eating things that have such low calorie intakes. If I do this while planning out my meals and exactly how much to eat I think I can lose this weight. Another unfortunate event, due to work and lack of sleep I can't really work out like I planned to since day one. About two-three days a week though I do walk, I just don't really know the distance. I walk a pretty good amount everyday anyway, so if I keep watch on my calories and fat, then try to walk more often or at the least do leg exercises in my room (thigh exercises to be exact) I should be able to do something about this issue.

I even curled my hair the other day in an attempt to look different. I thought I looked great, and so summer-y, but there's still those things I can't change about myself. Complexion, noticeable eye size difference, etc... it's kinda depressing when I look at it that way, trying to look pretty and noticing you can't change that much...

Just have to keep trying and find what best works for yourself.
And not to get worked up about all the little details.

There's lots of things I wish I could change about my face in general,
But maybe it can be turned into that unique trait that one special guy can joke and smile about with you.