We may be machines but I'm in love tonight ♥

I had to change my blog title. Again. Because everything was getting too depressing lol.

I came to some realization within the past few days. You know, I was scared for the nice weather to come. But, it's helping me so much. I feel much more... independent. I guess you can say that's one of the first signs of finally getting over something you couldn't forget about. I started making some changes. About a month ago.

And it finally kicked in.

It's not like I'm abandoned what I know I feel, it's just more of not giving a shit anymore.
I don't know what exactly he wants, maybe he wants me to stand to the side for a bit. So I did. And I just keep forcing the same words over and over down my throat every time I get the temptation to message him, "if he wants to talk to you he'll message you, so just leave him alone". He's always busy when I try to talk so I figured this would even be the best way to stop myself from being disappointed and getting upset.

And it's working. Added with the other little things I changed, the feeling of needing him in my life the way I had before is starting to neutralize. It feels good. Almost regretful at the same time, but I feel just a little bit more relieved. It's scary, but I started thinking about the future again. And somehow I feel like I'm going to hurt myself if I try anymore. Pretty much if I try to like someone for the rest of my college years. Two people that I don't know very well came into my mind today and I thought about where their lives are/will be heading. Something I predicted for myself two years earlier is probably... what's going to be.

And in all honesty, I don't want that to happen.


I felt really happy just the way things were. In a weird way I guess you can say.\\

See, I guess I kinda want to still be more different in a place where I'll be different already. It's not a choice, it's just more of a feeling I'm receiving after all of this. Just take it that I've found that special "him" in that country. I'll be different but not as different as I can be. I feel like it can't match. I want to break the rules. More importantly I want to try to aim for something GREAT and reach for that DREAM we can share. Maybe you aren't following, but I don't plan on revealing too much. Let's just say, that's where I might be starting to feel regretful.

Letting go of this opportunity?
Hardly.
I'm not letting go of my promise.

I've received that "different" thing in my life before I've even known it was what I wanted.
If I give up, searching again is just going to be a pain in the ass, not to mention, I may never find it.


I looked at myself in the mirror today.
Again I realized how much I changed.
Again I realized how lucky I was.

And I wanted to show off.
But maybe in the end it was a good thing I didn't get my chance.


That independence might have crumbled.