I know I said I was going to stop posting. But I just can't hold back anymore.
There's so many things I need to say, even if I hide many feelings from other people.
But I'm regretful.
That I threw myself out there so much, I thought that we were getting somewhere.
I guess I knew this was coming. After all, he must have anticipated that he wanted a different relationship while abroad. That's why he broke up with me two weeks while he was gone in that country. And to be an asshole and wait until he left to break up with me. Fucking... relationships should be ended in person. Not by some other means like technology. That's fucking pathetic and weak.
But I still forgave him.
And even though I anticipated this, I still thought if I could give it my all and show that I was still here, he'd realize that I'm really worth something. So I tried. And even though I screwed up many times again just like in the past, I thought maybe we were still okay and that we were getting closer again. He would joke around with me like he always did, calling me stupid and such. He would do his stupid 'lalalala' thing that would always make me feel a little bit special in his eyes. And I thought we were getting close again, like I still existed to him.
But maybe I read it all the wrong way. Maybe this was just a sign of friendship. And I'm really blind to notice something like this.
I embarrassed myself for him. A few times.
I wonder why I did it, for all I know it could have just been because he's like that. Just like Chen has always said. And now I don't know how I feel about it. Considering we weren't dating... what does that say about me?
And when he told me he wanted me to wait for him back in January, but he said he would never ask me to do such a terrible thing just for him, I still said I would. And that's why I made that video for Christmas, because I wanted him to know I was still here for him, waiting. But is he just playing me? Is it just like everyone else said months before that he just wanted someone to be here for him when he came back? I didn't want to believe it, but I suppose things like that are true.
Then I think... maybe he waited until then to leave me, because he only wanted... you know.
But I never wanted to think of him as that kind of person. He even got offended, when I said something like that. He's too kind for that. But am I wrong? Was he just saying that to not make me worry?
I don't want to ever doubt him. I want to believe in him and trust him.
I still can't believe what everyone may say about him. I feel like I should know better. Even if I'm blinded by how much I care, I can't ever imagine him being such a senseless guy like that. I won't believe it.
And now he's almost serious about someone else.
It hurts. But I knew this would happen. And I can't argue against it.
Because we weren't dating to begin with.
I have no say.
I just wanted him to know, and I wanted to talk to him about this, about what I wanted to do.
If he reads this, hopefully... this might be the only way to tell him since he won't listen to me if I bring it up in chat...
I want him to know, I want to start from the beginning.
I want him to know that I know that I've freaked out on him, made him unhappy, overreacted too many times, complained, got him mad, etc. I know I treated him terribly. And that throughout this year of being without him, I know how stupid I've been and that it's my fault that I lost him. He gave me so many chances to change, and every single opportunity I had I fucked up so badly.
I'm aware that everything is my fault.
But throughout this year, I've realized how important he really is to me. That's why I kept hang on here, waiting. Supporting him. Sometimes forcing myself when I was in a bad mood to laugh and jokingly fight back when he ridiculed me through cam or chat in order to keep his mood happy.
That's why, I want to start over again. From the very beginning when we were happy. I know now what it feels like to be pushed this far like I had done to him over and over. And I know, I have to. I have to start over. I want him to know that. I want to give him happiness more than anything. I want to be there when he's upset and always put a smile back on his face.
But I feel like he won't believe any of this. Because I've said it in the past. And he's probably fed up with me, but just won't tell me the truth.
If I could have one more chance. Just once more. Once more at being that girl he always thought about first, I would give up everything I had in order to show him that I mean everything I've said.
I'm not trying to be obsessive or some crazy ex-girlfriend.
If he flat out told me that he'd never want to try with me again, I'd leave him alone for good. But because I've felt like we still had a connection, I thought maybe there's still hope for us. And I still want to believe that.
If you're reading this, I'm asking you to please give me one final shot at being the one who makes you happy. If all it take for me is to keep patiently waiting, I'll keep waiting. Even if there is someone else you like right now, I'll ignore it and you can still like her. I just want to start over from the beginning. And spend each day just like we did when we first started off in 2009. I know I'm stupid. I know I'm crazy. But I still made you laugh and smile. And you gave me one of the happiest years of my life.
If we can do a few months over again, just once more, we can know for sure if this is really worth it.
I love you.
I wish you truly knew how much I care about you. I don't believe in distance. Because if you love someone enough, they're never far away. You've always been in my mind since the day you left. So you were always still here with me.
Please, talk to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment