神様、願いどうしちゃったの...?

In a matter of minutes, one thing turned into another, and then....







I get it already.


I'm submissive.
Because I'm insecure.





I'm easy prey.
After all, I'm a white girl.


I don't know if I should be happy or sad you told me all of this.
I don't know if I wanted to know the truth that badly.






I believe her. I really believe everything she said.
But then again, I don't know.

It's kinda upsetting, people like us are the one's who get used the most. We look for someone to accept us when we can't accept ourselves. We turn into a doormat. Without realizing it.

I can't believe it all though.
I might have been used, but somewhere in all of that, I was really happy.
I believed I was wanted, and sometimes, it's better to lie to someone in order to keep them happy with themselves.


Well, I'm pretty sure none of that matters anymore.
I said something that was embarrassing and  upsetting to say. But I had to, because I was wrong.
I was wrong to do what I did. And it ate me up inside.



I'll be better.
I know that at some point in time in August, I'll know what will happen next.


everyone can change.

And I'm not talking about myself here.


You can hate someone for what they did to you all you want but they won't always stay that way.
I try to look for the best in each person, and I find it hard to hate someone. I use the word often, but not once have I meant it.

I always thought it would be cute if I could be the cause of change.
But for now, it's checkmate. I lost. I definitely know I did.
I just need to hear it in person to be satisfied.

I have a choice to believe what I want.
And I still want to believe that's thing had changed.
Maybe not completely, but I feel like when Shiina Ringo sings her song "ギブス" that's exactly how everything was.
I'll forget yesterday and the months before, as long as I can hold you tight tomorrow.
Well, that's my version haha

You know, it makes more sense that way.
I don't know why I'm letting something like that bother me. Sure, it's wrong of me to say it's all okay, but... why should I think about that? I don't have much time left anyway, you know? All I have is a year. It's not very long. And then, I'm gone forever.

So I don't want to keep thinking about that.

I'll take it as it happened, and that everyone will change. And everyone will learn.
Forget, but don't forget the wrong in it.
Forget, but remember to learn.



It's okay.

When I started writing this blog I was actually really upset.
But, it's okay now.


I think I accepted defeat.



I''ll post a different blog when I wake up in the morning.
I actually wanted to talk about something completely unrelated.... but then she messaged me and... messed me up...

So, good night for now, Blogger.
I'll see you in the morning.